Is Flirting Online Considered Cheating?

Imagine this scenario. You met him or her online. You fell in love online. You fell madly in love and took your profiles down together to live your offline life.

The end. Or is it?

When a former boyfriend decided to take his profile down so we could date exclusively, he was excited about our future. He was marriage-minded, gave me an office in his home with a beautiful view so I could write, we met each others’ families, and we were both excited about the possibilities of our new relationship going the distance. It was his decision to take his profiles down.  He asked me for my help in removing his online dating profiles from OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, and Senior People Meet. It was a ritual and a milestone in our relationship and he was absolutely sure this is what he wanted to do. But there was a piece of him that still felt uneasy about it.

When a man makes a relationship milestone, he wonders if this is the last woman he’ll ever make love to or ever touch. He wonders if other women would still want him if the relationship doesn’t turn out. My guy was going through a major digital withdrawal and his ego was taking over. He started telling me that his inbox was feeling lonely and he wasn’t getting emails from women anymore. After spending six solid months logging onto three dating sites every day, he had mixed feelings about the situation and felt a bit of a loss in not hearing from admiring women.

Before my guy made the big digital commitment, he would log on to view who wrote to him, but would never write back. He was curious. It was an ego decision, but he wanted to make sure that I knew where he stood and that he didn’t want to date others. I smiled and told him to take his time. There was no rush.

Typically when someone has spent a lot of time on online dating sites, it’s hard to make the final break. They know in the back of their minds if it doesn’t work out, they can go back online at any time and go fishing again for a new date or a mate.

I’ve watched both men and women put up secret profiles or reactivate their profiles temporarily after a bump in the road in their relationships. While this is normal, it’s incredibly hurtful. As big as the digital dating landscape is, there are too many friends and family members who will notice the profile, even if it’s up for a few days or so. They will bust you. It will blow up. It might not be recoverable. Is it worth the risk?

In my book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, I describe the serial online dater or online dating addict in chapter 12. This man said “I love you,” while on a romantic vacation, while simultaneously logging onto Match.com for hours every night to talk to other women. This, my friends, is emotional cheating.  Even if he never took the relationships offline, this act was so hurtful that it resulted in the ending of the relationship with the woman he really did love.

Often a man or woman might go fishing just before making a major commitment to make sure he or she is not making the wrong decision. More often than not, it’s for the ego. We all want to know that we’re loved. It’s so powerful, isn’t it? But is it worth losing your relationship over? Is it considered cheating?

My online dating advice is: If you’re in a committed relationship, I urge you not to blow it by flirting with a former love interest on Facebook or reactivating your online dating profile while checking out your options. If your significant other finds out you’ve reactivated your profile without discussing it with them, don’t be surprised if they either leave, or start withdrawing from the relationship. You just may lose the person you love so much.

If you’ve agreed to be exclusive or “facebook official,” communicate offline with the person you’re in a relationship with, instead of flirting online and looking for other options. If a relationship runs its course, be a grown up about it. Agree together that it’s time to move on, or talk about what needs of yours need addressing to move together to the next stage. Often the love you have with the person you’ve invested the time with is worth saving and will be worth its weight in gold, compared to the heartbreak you might be creating.

Your comments and thoughts are welcome.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

Photo credit: Lasse Kristensen – Fotolia.com

Should I Give My Online Date My Phone Number?

Dear Cyber-Dating Expert,

My new profile is starting to get more attention and I’m excited about it, but I’m confused about phone etiquette.

What should I do when a guy I meet online asks me for my phone number?

I’m a bit squeamish about giving my number out to someone I haven’t met. One guy, who seems nice, has asked for it so we can talk this weekend.

Another guy just gave me his number. Do I have to reciprocate and give him mine as well, or should I just let him know that I’ll call.

~Confused

Dear Confused,

As a woman, I can understand why you’d like to keep your phone number private from someone you haven’t met.

There’s no reason to give out your phone number so quickly. I always recommend signing up for a free Google Voice phone number for dating. It’s simple to do. Just go to Google.com/voice. You will be assigned a phone number that isn’t associated to your name in any phone directory. You can have the calls forwarded to your cell phone.

This way if anyone who bothers you keeps calling, you can block their number or have the option to change it to another Google Voice number for dating.

Having a Google Voice number protects your identity and should solve the problem.

Phone number exchanges are really very personal. Some women prefer to give out their number so the men can call them. Others like to take control and do the dialing.

My suggestion is to ask the man for his number and what times are convenient for him to talk. If he doesn’t answer when you call, leave a message and say you’ll call back later.

As far as reciprocating, you don’t have to give out your phone number when a man provides his. See how the conversation goes and if you’re comfortable, then yes, give him your CELL number. He doesn’t have to know it’s really a Google voice number. It’s your secret for now.

If someone asks for your number, let them know you’d be happy to call him and ask for his number.

If all goes well on your date, you’ll be happy to exchange numbers with the man who you’d like to add to your date calendar.

Happy Dating!

Do you have a question for Julie Spira?

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

Read Julie Spira’s bestselling book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Should I Respond to Someone Without a Photo?

Dear Julie,

I met this guy online before the holidays and he seemed interested in me.

The conversation pleasant enough, but I’m a little creeped out about his recent message.

In this most recent one, he asked me, Have you been single long? What kind of men are you typically interested in?” He also never put up a photo of himself.

I’ve been single for longer than I really want to mention and I don’t really have a type, but I don’t want anyone super unattractive or unhealthy.

What do you think I should do?

~C

Dear C,

It’s great that you’re communicating with someone online.

When a guy posts a profile without a photo, he doesn’t really have all ten toes in.

While you’re concerned about how to respond to him, you actually don’t need to respond to him at all.

The questions he’s asked of you are generic questions. Sometimes guys just don’t know what to ask and are trying their best to open a digital dialog.

You don’t have to say how long you’ve been single to someone you’ve never met. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 3 months or 3 years. He’s single, you’re single and you’re both on a dating site.

If you feel uncomfortable, just don’t reply. If you’re still interested in getting to know him, ask him if he can post his photos so you can see who you are chatting with.

If he isn’t willing to do so, he just isn’t date ready. There are plenty of guys who are genuine and will post recent photos. Take your time and put your energies into a relationship that has the potential of turning into a pleasant date.

Keep us posted.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

~Julie

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie’s dating advice has appeared on eHarmony, JDate, Match.com, Zoosk, and on her columns on DatingAdvice.com, Examiner, and Huffington Post. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt, and like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

To Gift, or Not to Gift: Surviving Holiday Dating

The holidays are filled with both joy and anxiety for many singles. The week before Christmas marks the year’s busiest week for online dating activity, so don’t be surprised if your inbox starts to fill up with new suitors. It’s also peak time for breakups. Could it be that your date doesn’t want to splurge on a holiday gift?

If you’ve just started to date someone you’ve met online and have only had a few dates, you may be wondering if should you buy him or her a lavish gift. While the easiest solution would be to leave town for the holidays, or even put your head under the covers, know that you’re not alone with the gift dilemma.

Jenna writes in that she’s been dating someone for four weeks, but both of them still have active online dating profiles. Although she believes they’re exclusive, she thinks she’d like to give her new beau a holiday gift during one of their dates. However, the subject of exchanging gifts never came up. She’s hinted about things she’d like in her stocking, but her new guy hasn’t asked her what she’d like for the holidays or made specific plans for Christmas.

Jenna wonders if it’s too soon to be exchanging gifts and what she should do.

My take on the situation, is that you always give a gift without expecting one in return. If she sees that he loves doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzles, why not go to a bookstore or order a large puzzle book from Amazon? The cost is less than $20 and it will show the man you’re dating that you’ve paying attention to things that interest him.

Other singles will be bold and ask each other what they’d like for the holidays. If this happens, then know that you’ll be opening your wallet. For a new relationship, there’s nothing wrong with putting a budget on holiday gift giving or suggesting going to a sporting event or concert together to celebrate.

The worst thing you can do is to lavish your date with an expensive gift early on in the relationship. It may make him or her run the other way, or feel guilty that they haven’t reciprocated.

So just how early would it be to give her a diamond watch or a new puppy?

Unless you’re in a serious relationship, where you have a history of buying each other a birthday present or other special gifts, don’t assume you’ll be receiving a gift, nor should you ever feel obligated to buy your date a gift. It’s impossible to ignore the holidays with all of the Cyber Monday specials and Christmas songs on the radio.

Some of my favorite thoughtful gifts, which won’t break the bank include:

• An iTunes Gift of your date’s favorite band
• Gift certificate for a movie and dinner
• Gift certificate for a massage
• A golf lesson
• An accessory for his or her iPhone/iPad
• A gift certificate for a handyman for the day

The worst thing you can do when you give your date a gift, is to ask him or her what they were planning on getting you if it appears they aren’t reciprocating. You’ll make him or her feel uncomfortable about not taking the time to buy you a present, or they’ll feel obligated to pick up a gift and resentment could build up. It’s just too much pressure for a new relationship.

Remember, the best gift you can give each other is time spent together creating new memories. A hug and a kiss under the mistletoe is priceless.

Do you have a holiday gift tradition?

Julie Spira is an online dating and mobile dating expert. She’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, visit CyberDatingExpert.com to sign up for the Weekly Flirt and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

5 Ways to Create a Great Date Night

So you’re now dating that special guy you met online. You’ve made it past the first three months of dating and have decided to become exclusive.

You know it’s important to date your mate or significant other after the honeymoon phase is over, but it’s easy to get caught up with work deadlines and juggling your calendar.

As a dating expert, my number one piece of advice is for couples to create the ritual of scheduling a ‘Date Night’ every week. This can actually save your relationship from fading away. Not sure where to start?

Here are 5 Relationship tips to keep your date sizzling both online and offline.

1. Select a day and stick to it. Make sure you know your date night won’t be pre-empted by a baseball game or a standing nail appointment and stick to it. Know that every week on the same evening, you’ll be scheduling a romantic evening for you and your honey. Date night is sacred. Hire a babysitter or dog sitter and take a pass on the happy hour invite. If you’re sweetheart is out of town, schedule a Skype date as we know that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2. Take turns on scheduling plans. Every week, you and your honey should alternate as to who selects the outing. Get creative. It can be as simple as in-room-dining by candlelight, to finding events to attend such as comedy shows, movies, plays, or free concerts. It doesn’t have to break the bank, so check out Groupon, Living Social or the free outdoor concerts in your area.

3. Pre-date night foreplay. Show some enthusiasm and excitement leading up to your date. Leave a love note on your pillow or send a sexy text messages to each other in anticipation of your special night. Take out the lingerie that has been collecting dust in your bureau and wear it all day long. Let him know in a text message. He’ll be anxious to leave work, perhaps even a little bit earlier than usual.

4. Leave the boardroom behind. If you have had a fight with your boss or are worried about an upcoming presentation, take a break from talking about it on date night. There’s plenty of time to talk about work outside of your special evening. He wants bedroom eyes, not boardroom drama.

5. Memorialize it. Be your own love historian. Bring your iPhone to take cute photos and videos, log onto Instagram and post a lovey-dovey shot of you and your your sweetheart, and upload them to your photo sharing account on Flickr or to Facebook. If you’ve already announced to the world that you’re “In a Relationship,” use Facebook’s timeline to announce your first kiss or vacation together. Upload your favorite shot of the two of you onto your desktop for quick viewing in between date nights and keep it handy on your mobile phone.

The simple ritual of creating a date night can help you become as excited as you did during the first three months of dating, and can last for months, years, or decades to come.

Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She was a very early adopter of online dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie helps shorten the search so you can happily ride into the digital sunset together.  Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and follow Julie @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert

Dating Advice – First Date Mistakes You Can’t Afford to Make

By now you’ve probably heard that online dating is a numbers game. You need to play to win and should always put your best digital foot forward when you find that special profile that piques your curiosity. What many singles fail to realize is that your number-one pick may be the favorite of others looking for love online.

I sometimes compare Internet dating to an online auction: there might be multiple bidders at any time, and may the best man or woman win. Do I think that online singles are nothing more than objects of affection? Not at all. Online dating is simply the first step in building a relationship between two people that you need to successfully move offline. But remember, there could be heavy competition for dates — and you can’t afford to blow your first impression, either online or off-line.

Here are nine dating rules that will help you put a second date on the calendar.

Flirting with disaster

My dad likes to flirt with waitresses. It’s fine for my parents, as they have been married for over 50 years. Too often, though, I hear about men staring at their cute waitress or having a roving eye while on their first date with someone. So, men: focus on the woman you are meeting. Be captivated by your first-date conversation. Engage with the person sitting across the table from you.

Dressing for the Bedroom

Men are visual creatures and they can imagine undressing women with their eyes the moment they meet. This doesn’t mean that women should wear a sexy low-cut outfit showing off lots of cleavage. Men like to slowly unwrap a package, so to speak. Unless you’re just looking for a hook-up, women should leave the sexy clothes for when they really are ready for a more intimate relationship.

Misusing the Food and Beverage Rule

Dating can be expensive if it includes multiple restaurants or drink tabs every week. If a man asks a woman out for coffee on a first date, he should offer to order her a beverage. If you think this is ridiculous, you’d be surprised. Often, I hear about coffee dates where a gentleman will either bring his own water or just refuse to order a cup of tea for the woman he is meeting. If he is truly interested in getting to a second date, a coffee date means exactly that: it involves a beverage. Offer to order a coffee. A lunch or dinner date means ordering something to eat, but don’t suggest restaurants that are out of your budget. It’s about getting to know someone, not dining at the fanciest restaurant in town with someone you don’t have chemistry with.

Blabbing About the Ex

I’ve seen too many dinner dates that start out great only to end up being over before the main course has arrived. Why? Because too many people bring their exes to the table with them. This includes not only former spouses and lovers, but jobs, too. No one wants to hear about your sad past on a first date. Instead, always try to keep it light and fun. Talk about your favorite film, play, vacation spot, book, or what you enjoy doing on the weekends.

Using Your iPhone as an Accessory

Sure, you like connecting with others online.  But when you get to your date, put your smartphone in your pocket or purse and leave it there. It shouldn’t be a visible accessory on your date. Otherwise, it will give the impression that you are waiting for a better invitation to come in. Avoid the urge to check your messages and text a friend while you’re on a date.

Becoming Facebook Friends Too Fast

Sure you’re excited about your first date, but should you send a Facebook friends request after your first phone call? I say no. If your date does so, resist the urge to accept it. You don’t know how the date will go, and more often than not, you don’t get to a second date. There’s no reason to scrutinize his or her photos hugging someone thinking it’s your competition, when in fact it’s their cousin.

Not Doing Your Homework

Just as you should be prepared for a job interview by researching your prospective employer to make a good impression, you should remember important details about the date you’re meeting. If your calendar is filled with dates, it can be confusing. Nothing is more of a turn-off than a man asking a woman why she never got married when she’s actually been married twice before. A man won’t feel good about his date when she asks why he decided to go into real estate when he’s really a doctor. Print out your date’s profile. Make notes on the page outlining the conversations you have together. Mention something that you liked about his or her profile. Don’t act like this person’s just another number in a series and that you’re too busy dating around to remember individual details.

Assuming Your in an Instant Relationship

Dating and courting is a process. Even if you connect on a deeper level and think he or she could be “The One,” don’t start talking about your future together right now. It’s just a first date. Enjoy the fact that it’s going well. Be excited that you both want to put a second date on the calendar, but don’t start filling up someone’s life as the instant girlfriend or boyfriend. You’ll come across as needy and you might get a voicemail message later on canceling date number two. Show your date that you have a full and happy life without them. Having someone special in it will just make it that much better. And remember that courtship should be enjoyable.

Don’t Discard the Dating Duds

Even if there is no chemistry on your date, don’t be rude and walk out. What if your date happens to have a friend he or she’d be happy to introduce to you that would be a better fit? What if your date invites you to a business-networking event? Look at every date as a possibility for expanding your social network or meeting a new friend. If it turns into a romantic relationship, then you’ve hit the jackpot.

Have you made any of these first date mistakes and regretted it?

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert

Follow @JulieSpira

Dating Advice: I’m Upset About His Facebook Page Likes

 

Dear Julie,

I met this cute guy online and there was a lot of chemistry. He asked me out at the end of the first date for a second date and I was happy about it. When I got home, there was a Facebook friends request from him. I decided not to accept it as we only had one date and I didn’t think I wanted him seeing the details of my personal life.

Finally, a few days later I decided to accept his request and was stunned at what I saw on his profile. It appeared he liked a Facebook page of a site that looked racy. I’m not into these types of things, so I unfriended him, blocked him on Facebook, and canceled our second date.

Did I overreact or did I save myself from a heartbreak? Please help.

Leah

Dear Leah,

Your date was clearly into you, which is why he wanted to be friends on Facebook as well. You should be flattered. Not accepting a friends request after a first date was wise, as no one had agreed to date exclusively so early on. It’s natural to want to take a digital peek to see what each other is up to on Facebook. However, you shouldn’t jump to conclusion that your guy has a dark side. Contact him and let him know what you saw and ask him if this really describes who he is and what his interests are.

Chances are he might not even have realized what he had clicked “like” to and has no idea that site appears on his personal Facebook page. Keep it light and friendly as you were the one who canceled the second date and blocked him. Let’s see if he deletes that page from his profile or keeps it as a favorite.

You’ll know in time if he’s your type or not.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie

Do you have a dating dilemma? Are you unsure if your online dating profile shows you in the best digital light? Contact us with your questions and sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter for more advice from online dating expert, Julie Spira

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Dating Advice: To Take Down, or Not to Take Down Your Profile

Dating in a Web 2.0 World can be very tricky and emotional at times. The big drama often surrounds one pulling down their online dating profile while the other is still playing the field. I’m not into game playing and believe you should follow your heart.

However, it’s rare for two people who are in a new relationship to be on the same digital page on each and every date. While you’re in the getting-to-know you phase, the best rules are ones which include honesty and avoid entrapment.

So when I was asked by Diane Mapes to contribute to her article on Match.com’s Happen Magazine, in Pulling your profile after finding The One, I was happy to share my thoughts.

Let’s start with the unplugging parties. Should you agree to have a celebration and pull down your profiles together? It’s a growing popular trend, but I think it comes with too much pressure. If the man suggests an unplugging celebration and you feel great about it, go ahead and do so. It’s like having a digital anniversary. While I believe a woman could suggest future outings and dates, I don’t believe she should be the one to schedule a date to unplug. There’s still some old-fashioned chivalry and courtship that takes place, both online and offline.

In matters of digital courting, typically the man takes down his profile first.  Perhaps he’ll share that information with his date, but if they’ve just met, it can scare a woman away. She’ll be flattered, but might not be ready to go to the next step of dating exclusively or be ready for any intimate expectations that might be expected with retiring dating profiles. If a woman takes down her profile, guys shouldn’t run away thinking she did it for them. Often a woman will receive too many emails from men she isn’t interested in, or her paid membership may have expired.

Taking down your profile as well as changing your Facebook relationship status can be a big deal and come along with 2-dimensional assumptions that could kill your relationship.

The best times to take down your profile:

1. You’re tired of online dating and are receiving too many emails from incompatible people, or too few emails to make it worth your while.

2. You have a crush on someone and you don’t want him or her to think you’re a serial dater logging in daily to see the next fresh face.

3. One has already taken their profile down and you feel you’d like to reciprocate and see where the relationship will go.

4. You both agree to date exclusively.

5. Before you become physically intimate.

The worst times to take down a profile:

1. After a first date. Sorry, it’s just too soon and will send him or her running with the fear they are in an instant relationship.

2. If you feel pressured to do so by the other party.

3. To make someone else you like feel jealous.

4. To pressure your date to do the same.

5. To hide it temporarily before your date knowing you plan on re-posting it when you get home.

When *Debbie was thinking about going on her first romantic weekend away with *Mike,  it made sense for the two of them to take down their profiles. However *Mike gave her the big ultimatum. She wasn’t exactly ready to retire her profile, but he kept her on the phone and walked her through the instructions until he was satisfied that her profile was removed. Debbie found this behavior controlling and their relationship ran its course. She still tells me that she remembers the day that he forced her to take down her profile, or he’d be moving on.

When *Mark told *Jill he had taken his profile down on their 4th date, Jill was flattered, but told him she just wasn’t ready. She hoped that she would catch up, but was open to dating others still.  After the 6th date, Jill decided to date Mark exclusively and took down her profile on her own. This relationship started off based upon honesty and without manipulation. Mark was willing to wait for Jill rather than leave her for a more eager face. The two eventually got engaged.

At the end of the digital day, I believe in developing the friendship part of your relationship if you’re looking for long-term love. Remember, you’ve met online and you’re creating your relationship history now offline. Taking down your profile doesn’t mean you’re going ring shopping or heading to the altar. It doesn’t mean you’re jumping into bed either. Often it’s a gesture to show genuine interest. Be flattered when he or she takes down their profile, but don’t go crazy with assumptions and over analyze the situation. You’re just dating and getting to know each other. Enjoy the journey.

Julie Spira is an online dating and cyber-relations expert. She’s the Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt and Like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert

Follow @JulieSpira

Online Dating Advice – How Many People Should I Talk to At Once?

We’ve all heard that online dating is a numbers game. 122 million worldwide to be exact according to ComScore’s research.

When we created Jerry’s irresistible profile, [winks, emails, and IMs, oh my!] his response was “OMG, this stuff is like crack!” While we want you to fall in love and give you many tools to do so, we certainly don’t want to create a universe of online dating addicts.

Having too many conversations at once or viewing too many profiles doesn’t mean you’re going to be successful with the process. As a matter of fact, it could actually backfire on you.

The first week your profile is active is always the busiest time.  It then settles down to a more manageable pace. Those who winked at you or flirted with you without a profile are probably not paying members or are not serious about the process, so unless you like their profile, you can just ignore them. If you like the profile, don’t wink or flirt back. Be bold and send an email saying hello. You can even thank them for the wink to let them know you’ve noticed.

I recommended to Jerry that he shouldn’t communicate with more than 5 people at a time. Limiting the ongoing communication will give you the opportunity to get to know someone. If the online conversation goes well, then schedule a phone date.  If you feel like you’re at the dentist’s office where someone is pulling teeth, don’t schedule a date.

I shared my thoughts in the ask the dating experts column on Sparkology on how to politely say you’re not interested.

More often-than-not, online messages are ignored. Don’t start humming to the Nick Lowe song, “You’ve Got to be Cruel to be Kind” if you decide to respond. Say thank you, but add that you don’t feel you have enough in common to pursue a relationship, or let them know if they’re out of your geographic location or age range.

Wishing you much joy and love in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and cyber-relations expert. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Like us at Facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert for more dating advice.

Winks, emails, and IMs — oh my! Online Dating Etiquette

Yes ladies. Men do take online dating seriously.

After creating an irresistible profile for a newly widowed male client on Match.com,  he decided it was time to put all ten toes and suddenly realized he needed a lesson in online dating etiquette.

He’s a terrific catch, signed up for the Totally in Love plan, and actually wants to meet an age-appropriate woman and wonders, what is the proper online dating etiquette? Within 24 hours he was bombarded with emails, winks, and IMs. He already has a date on the calendar with a highly educated woman who lives close to him. He’s on the right digital path.

I told him to get ready for the ride and showed him how to get organized.  I knew he’d get a lot of initial emails and views to his profile. He wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming response from women interested in meeting him. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, he decided to embrace the process. He wanted to know how to put his best foot forward to be successful. His questions were ones that many singles are confused about when they first join an Internet dating site. All are worth sharing.

1. I haven’t responded yet to the 3 or 4 women who’ve “winked” at me.  What’s the proper etiquette?

When a woman winks at a man, she’s signally to him that she’s open to communicating. Generally, it’s her way of saying, “check out my profile and if you’re interested, please email me.” What she won’t probably want is to be winked back in return, so if you like what you see, read her profile and find something unique and interesting to write about and put that in the subject line. This way you’ll have a greater chance of receiving an email in return from her.

2. Same thing with the women who’ve e-mailed me.  What’s considered good, what’s simply appropriate, and what’s rude?

If you’re interested in someone who has emailed you, read her profile and write back in a timely manner. Remember, you’re not the only guy she’s communicating with and a prompt response will not only be appreciated, but will put your name on her date card.  If you’re not interested, you can either ignore the email, or thank her for writing to you. If her profile isn’t inline with what you’re looking for, you can politely point that out and wish her the best. The only way you’d be rude is if you insulted her, which I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do.

3. A couple of women have IM’d me while I was online.  Personally I find that really intrusive, even obnoxious.  For that reason, I’m highly reluctant to IM anyone else.  But I don’t know how the game is played.  Again, what’s the proper thing to do?  Can I just turn off my IM capability?

Instant messaging isn’t for everyone. While it can be fun, flirty, and instantaneous, some might find it annoying. To remove the IM feature, log onto your account, click on Account in the upper right hand side of the profile and in the dropdown menu click on settings, and then click on Instant messenger. This is where you can both turn off your instant messaging and IM alerts.

4. What’s a polite but clear way to express disinterest (for example, if I decide I’ve got no interest in meeting someone who contacts me first)?
There’s no perfect answer to this question. While you might want to appear like the nice guy and let them know that you don’t think you’re a match, they might be offended and insulted. If you ignore them, then they’ll wonder why they’re being rejected. You can take your time before you quickly push the reply button to the email and do what you feel is right for you, but remain polite. After all, she might have a friend to introduce you to if you’re a genuine guy, so don’t close the door completely.

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