Do Internet Daters Suffer from Online Dating Fatigue?

Lately, I’ve been questioning whether singles who are members of online dating sites really want to meet someone and create a real relationship that goes from online to offline, or just spend time hanging out in cyberspace.  It appears that many daters are suffering from a relationship syndrome called ODF, the acronym for online dating fatigue. It can also be defined as IDF, Internet dating fatigue.

While I might sound like eHarmony’s founder Neil Clark Warren, who wrote an article on Huffington Post, On Second Thought, Don’t Get Married, where I’m telling online daters that they might need to take a break as well, there’s some truth to ODF.  In Warren’s article,  he questioned whether marriage has become obsolete. The article is still being talked about and was shared by over 4000 people on Facebook and Twitter and “liked” by over 13,000 people. Something to ponder.

As an online dating expert and coach, I’m not suggesting you should abandon online dating completely, but instead consider taking a break and return refreshed, along with a new set of rules and digital tools that might increase your chances of success. Just as athletes get muscle fatigue, daters do get online dating fatigue.

In my coaching practice, I meet singles and divorcee’s who are already fed up with the process.  There are several reasons why I believe they’re suffering from ODF, and am here to provide some suggestions and online dating tips that just might wake you up from the exhausting process.

1. You’re tired of logging on and coming up empty handed.

You go to the gym three times a week, meet your friends for drinks twice a week, and spend an hour a day logging on to your online dating account to view photos of eligible singles. You hand pick 10 men or women to write to and take the time to personalize the subject line.  The result is, no one ever writes back.  You don’t know why they weren’t interested, wondered if they had an inactive profile where they couldn’t read your email, or were testing the waters with a few others and would consider you for the future. You diligently send emails more often-than-not, and still wake up to an empty inbox. It’s discouraging, I know. You feel like it’s a chore.

 2. You’re tired of trying to create interesting introduction emails.

You know you’re smart, witty, and have that great sense of humor everyone advertises that they’re looking for.  Yet, you find it hard to write an introduction email that will be catchy and stand out. You didn’t grow up wanting to be a copywriter, so your personality doesn’t shine. As a result, you spend less time logging on.  Finding a date or a mate goes down a notch or two on the totem pole. You’ve worked hard all day at work. You really don’t want to work that hard when you get home. The end result is, you lose interest. You’re suffering from ODF.

Take for example *Mike (name changed), who has been sending the same 770 word count email about himself for four years to women promising a lifetime of happiness. He wrote a novel with over 50 sentences to introduce himself.

Chances are Mike never reads the profiles of the pretty faces he views. He diligently copies the same email daily and sends it cold to women with a shotgun approach. His subject line is empty and says, (none). Sure online dating is a numbers game, but if you aren’t an educated player, your email may end up deleted by the third sentence. I finally had to tell him, “Copy + paste = erase” and suggested that he leave the novel at home. He didn’t appreciate my constructive criticism and is still single to this day.

3. You’re too picky.

If anyone has ever suggested that you might be too picky, chances are, they’re right. Your list may be so long on your profile, that it discourages would-be suitors to find someone more easy-going. If your search parameters are too narrow, it’s rare that you’ll find a compatible partner, online or offline.

Take *Janie for example. She’s a vivacious woman with a lot to offer a man. She has a successful career, beautiful home, loves to cook, and really wanted to fall in love. She came to me as a last resort, having been single for a decade. I looked at her profile and her search requirements were so limiting. She only wanted to meet a man who lived within a five-mile radius of where she resided. Her age parameters only spanned five years. It was an impossible task with unrealistic expectations. She didn’t realize it, but she was too picky. We broadened her search to 40 miles and expanded her age range to 12-years, 6 older and 6 younger than herself. She’s now dating someone age-appropriate who lives a town away. Are you too picky?  If so, it’s time to cast a wider net.

4. You’re unavailable.

You wouldn’t send a resume looking for your dream job without an email and phone contact for the recruiter to call you for the job interview, so you shouldn’t be so difficult to reach to set up a date.

Take *Bill, a handsome and successful man as an example. He always makes a good first impression in his introductory emails. He sends the women his phone number along with a message telling them that he’s only available to speak at 12pm and 9pm.  Most people have busy lives, both personally and professionally.  So if a woman called Bill outside of those two limited time slots, they’d not only get his voicemail, but he also had “call intercept” on his line requesting that you announce yourself before he’d pick up the call. Pre-screening your date’s inbound phone call is a netiquette no-no. Of course most of the women hung up. Bill’s still single. A little more flexibility and removing call intercept on his phone to make time for love might help with his search. If you want to get on his or her date card, you need to move the process along from the initial email and find the time to put a real date on the calendar.

5. You’ve gone on too many first dates.

You’ve managed to pass the dating filters, sent a few emails and text messages back-and-forth, and the first phone call went well. You dined at a restaurant that you hoped might impress him or her. The process took about two weeks, but it seems you never graduate to a second date. While the reasons may vary, most include:

• He or she didn’t look like their photo
• There was no chemistry
• He or she never called again
• He or she didn’t respond to your text or email message

You thought the first date went well. They laughed at your jokes and said they’d like to see you again.  You spent precious resources of time and money on the dating process with no return on your investment.

Yes, dating can be expensive, but you don’t need to dine at the Four Seasons to impress someone. These days, it’s not unhip to use a deal-of-the-day coupon or Groupon for a dating idea, providing you’re not only asking for two-for-one yogurt at $4.99. The result is, you’re wallet is now thin and you still find yourself alone on date night. You get frustrated with the process and end up with ODF.

If any of these five scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Online dating fatigue is very real. Sometimes you need to take a break, other times you need to fine tune your profile or change your parameters and habits. At the end of the digital day, there are over 120 million singles in the world looking for love online. Not everyone suffers from online dating fatigue.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert, social media strategist and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Connect with Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert

Should You Become Facebook Friends With Someone You Just Started Dating?

To friend, or not to friend? This question comes up all too often from singles I’m coaching when they first start dating someone new.

My advice is always a firm no. Not just yet.

Although you may be enthusiastic about your phone conversations, have sent a few text messages back-and-forth, and enjoy spending 1-3 hours every day on Facebook,  it might seem like the next logical step to add your new date as a friend on Facebook. I call this trend “premature friending” and it might lead to a startling ending of a relationship that never had the full chance to move forward on a normal digital course.

Setting romantic boundaries on Facebook and other social networks can be quite tricky. However, it really doesn’t have to be so complicated after all.

So without further digital adieu, here are some of the most popular questions I’m asked, with answers to help your love life, both online and in real life.

Should you ignore a Facebook friend request before meeting your date?

If you regularly ignore other requests from strangers or friends-of-friends, then do the same with the man or woman you have not yet met. Think about it. Your new date might be secretly cyber stalking you to check on your where-abouts to see if it adds up to the way you described yourself. Sound creepy? Well, it is. So yes, ignore it. They aren’t a friend yet, nor are they your boyfriend or girlfriend.

You had a great first date. Is it safe to send a friend request?

No, not just yet. Unless you discussed a business deal or partnership and want to ease your way in with a Linkedin request, he or she is quite likely still on the market. They won’t want you gazing at their online activity, nor should you be staring at theirs. Avoid posting comments about your date or post the cute photo that you snapped on your iPhone after your first martini. It’s too soon to go spreading the news on the public Internet.

You had sex. Are you ready to be Facebook friends?

Just because you spent time together between the sheets, doesn’t mean it’s time to change your status to “In a Relationship.” Make sure you have the talk first about your relationship. If you’re both on the same digital page, then go ahead and change the relationship status together. If you aren’t in a committed relationship, you’re likely to have your feelings hurt when you see his arm around another girl or her in an uncompromising photo with another guy. If either one of you is sitting on the digital fence, then stay friends offline before becoming friends online.

The relationship never took off. Can we just be friends?

If you know for certainty that there was no chemistry or a chance for romance, and no one feels jilted, go ahead and become friends if you truly like each other and know it will be platonic. If you find yourself staring at his or her wall wondering what they’re up to, then you’re not being honest with yourself. Politely unfriend them until you know you’re over it.

At the end of the digital day, don’t let your feelings be hurt if the other party ignores your friend request. Everyone has their own prerequisites for friending and unfriending each other on the world’s largest social network.

Julie Spira is a leading online dating and netiquette expert.  She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice. Connect with Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira, Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and Facebook.com/RulesofNetiquette

Digital Dating – Tips for Long-Distance Love

Thinking about expanding your zip code or dusting off your passport while looking for love online? I can tell you from first-hand experience that you need to cast a wide net and brush up on your technology skills.  Mobile phone use and high speed Internet makes it so much easier than in the pre-Internet days where you spent a fortune in long-distance bills and time buying Hallmark cards. Now, a cute e-card, Skype, twitter, and facebook along with your smartphone should keep you digitally connected and happily-in-love.

In a recent interview in the Times-Union, A Modern Twist on Long-Distance Love, I talked about the use of Skype and texting to keep you connected to your loved ones.

Julie Spira, author of “The Perils of Cyber Dating,” says many people look at technology to enhance relationships. Whether you use Skype, iChat or text, technology makes it virtually impossible to be disconnected from the world.

Spira said people must still invest in the relationship, and that relationships held together over distance are big commitments.

Spira advises women to even put on that cute dress and lipstick, the same as they would do face to face.

But Spira cautions that relationships starting out as long distance have a longer honeymoon stage. “Sometimes long-distance relationships give the false illusion you are in a long-distance relationship, but it is a vacation relationship,” Spira said. “Time is so concentrated you only know vacation mode; it is a romantic fantasy.”

Spira said in vacation relationships, you often only see each other for a short period of time, so you usually stay at nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants and leave the real world behind.

“You don’t talk about issues real couples face, like talking about paying bills and mold in the house,” Spira said. “Vacation couples often have trouble making the transition into real relationships when they move to the same city or household.”

If you feel you’re in a vacation relationship, Spira said to incorporate regular life into the relationship, find boundaries and how to manage them.

“Try and focus on reality and not just romance.”

Are you involved in a long-distance relationship? Are you using video chat on facebook or skype as part of your digital dating regime? Your comments are always welcome and if you get a moment, follow me for dating advice on Twitter @JulieSpira, on facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and on Google+ gplus.to/juliespira

Mobile Phone Etiquette for National Cell Phone Courtesy Month

You may have a high IQ and a smile that makes guys hearts melt, but what happens when your attachment to your mobile phone ranks higher on the totem pole than your date? As July marks National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, it’s time to pause and take notice on how discourteous we’ve become as we continue to spend the majority of our time attached to our smart phones.

According to the International Telecommunications Union, there are an estimated 5.3 billion mobile subscribers worldwide and the number is growing. In addition, 6.1 trillion SMS messages were sent in 2010. It’s no wonder with these numbers that cell phone etiquette, or in reality netiquette is on the decline.

So how does this enormous mobile phone usage affect matters of the heart?

In a recent survey on the relationship between cell phones and dating, social dating community Zoosk found out their members were extremely frustrated as they constantly competed with cell phones on a date. In short, daters are regularly breaking the rules of netiquette in a variety of ways with glancing at their cell phones during a date leading the list.

Alex Mehr, co-founder and co-CEO of Zoosk said,  ”We are surprised to hear that flagrantly reckless cell phone behavior has driven one third of singles to actually get up and excuse themselves from a date altogether. It’s our hope that singles follow proper cell phone etiquette to ensure that a mobile faux pas doesn’t ‘cell’ their date short.”

I’m personally not surprised in the least by their findings, as I’ve gone on record as saying, “Your mobile phone isn’t an accessory.” I believe that unless you’re expecting a call from the President of the United States or a kidney transplant, your should leave it in your purse or pocket while on a date.

So without further digital adieu, here are some of the results of Zoosk survey.

• 1/3 of singles say they left a date early, because the other person was too absorbed with their cell phone
• 86% of singles say, constantly glancing at a cell phone is the  most offensive mobile-related  behavior, worse than sending a text
• 51% of singles think taking a call on a date is offensive
• 25% of female Zooskers have dumped their guy in a text message, as compared to 15% of the men
• Only 25% of singles didn’t mind when their date was distracted by their cell phone
• 73% of singles do like hearing their date’s voice on their voicemail

At the end of the digital day, leave a voicemail message for your sweetheart and make sure they remain higher on the totem pole than your mobile device.

Do you have any mobile dating pet peeves? Comments and thoughts are welcome

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and coach and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com, like her at facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert and follow her on twitter @JulieSpira

First Date Conversations – To Tell, or Not to Tell

I’m a believer in authenticity when it comes to dating. That means I believe you should tell your correct age, post recent photos, and be recognizable when you meet your date in person.

I also believe you should ration your information flow early on, so I find it disheartening to see dates with promise quickly end with no chance of a second date ever being put on the calendar.

Where am I going with this? Quite simply, you need to be prepared for your date. Before you leave the house, think about what you should and what you shouldn’t talk about. Think about what you’d tell a perspective boss to land your dream job, and what personal information shouldn’t make it to the interview. So without further digital ado, here are some dating tips and conversation topics to tell, and those that should quietly go to sleep with you at night alone.

1st Date Conversation Deal-Breakers Include:

• The ex-factor – Too much talk about your relationship history.
• The crazy ex-factor – Yes, every ex-wife or husband and ex-girlfriend or boyfriend were crazy. Can you elaborate? Please don’t.
• Your divorce – Leave that to the attorneys. Your date isn’t your legal counsel.
• Your therapist – We won’t give you sympathy on a first date, so leave your emotional problems for your next shrink session.

To Kiss, or Not to Kiss – First Date Rules [video]

The question came up in our He said, She Said video on YourTango on whether you should kiss or not on the first date. As Dr. Adam Sheck and I duke it out,  I think I kiss isn’t mandatory on a first date to get to a second date. However, if you do engage in an exciting kiss and you feel some chemistry with your date, let them know you enjoyed it and make sure to put a second date on the calendar.

Share your thoughts and comments and like us at facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert for more dating advice.

Where to Find Love Online this Father’s Day

Just in time for Father’s Day, our friends at Match.com have come up with their Top 10 list of single dads looking for love online in three popular categories. [See infographic below]

Foodie-Dads: The online dating site polled their members and found that those men who are happy in the kitchen can be found in Scottsdale, Seattle, San Francisco, Portland and Boise.

Do-It-Yourself Dads: You won’t have to head to Home Depot alone if you’re in Spokane, Boise, Vancouver, Sarasota, or Toledo.

Sports-Crazed Dads: If you’re ready to fall for a sports fanatic or at least cheer him on, you’ll be the most successful in two cities in Arizona, Milwaukee, and Charlotte, to name a few.

When’s the most popular time for single dads to log on to look for love? According to Match’s members, early in the morning. Most men sign on from 6am – 9am, over coffee and a newspaper before they get ready for their busy day. Whitney Casey, Match.com’s relationship insider and author of The Man Plan says it’s because their testosterone level is the highest when they wake up.

The best news is that single dads are really interested in meeting women with children. With 30% of Match’s male members being single dads, newly divorced and single women with children should be able to fill their date card. Match reports that single dads are 56% more likely to email single moms than men without children. How are you planning on celebrating Father’s Day this year?

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible profiles and coaches singles on the dating scene. Like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

5 Ways to Botox Your Online Dating Profile

If you’ve suddenly become single  or have an online dating profile that’s over a year old, guess what? Chances are your profile is as outdated as your resume from 10-years ago, which is still sitting in a drawer.  If this sounds familiar, it’s time for your dating profile to be reviewed and get a digital facelift.

My friend Lisa Johnson-Mandel, author of Career Comeback talks about ‘How to Botox your resume.’ I was a recent guest on her television show, “This Week in Careers,” where I realized that her strategies for resume revisions would also apply to Internet dating. Hence, I decided it’s time for me to share some tips on how to “botox” your online dating profile.  I promise it will be painless and won’t break the bank.

This doesn’t mean that you need to make an appointment with your cosmetic dermatologist for expensive injections, but it does mean that some of your wording, especially keeping an outdated screen name, may send a message to your perspective dates that you’ve been on the site too long. He or she may quickly move onto a fresher and more appealing profile. Lisa provides tips that I highly recommend on how to look younger in a job interview. I’ll take it a step further for matters of the heart.

It’s a competitive digital landscape and you must appear as the fresh new face to get noticed. Here are some tips to Botox and refresh your online dating profile.

1. Screen name revision. If your screen name included your age such as Ken53 and your date of birth on your profile indicates that you’re 56, it will appear that you hadn’t been successful in finding love online for three years. Even if your two-year relationship just ended and you’re back again as a new profile, take the age off completely, especially if it’s inaccurate.
2. Discard the glamour shots. We all know that nothing is more important than your profile photos. If you invested in glamour shots years ago, it’s time to toss them away, along with the “big hair” look. Replace them with more natural activity photos that are represented on your Facebook or social networking sites. If your online dating profile photos don’t look anything like your current Facebook photos, your perspective date will find out quickly and will be turned off, or possibly even walk out on the date. 
3. Update your wardrobe. Any photos showing clothing with padded shoulders or last year’s trendy styles should be deleted from your profile. Get rid of the little black dress and add some new photos with bright colors that will help your profile photo stand out from the thousands of thumbnails in his or her search. Confidence is in. Sexy is out. Photos of men with bare chests or women with too much cleavage may result in getting more views of your profile, but it doesn’t mean you’ll find the man or woman of your dreams. Leave the lingerie shots for the bedroom, not for mass advertising on your Internet dating profile.
4. Toss out confusing photos. If you are seen with a mustache and beard in one photo and are clean-shaven in others, it will confuse the person viewing your profile. Toss out the outdated photos for your current look to avoid disappointment. This applies to hair color as well. If you were brunette in the fall, auburn in the spring, and blonde in the summer, make sure you only post photos with one hair color–your present one.
5. Delete any reference to your children’s ages. If your kids were 8, 10, and 12 when you wrote your first profile and they’re now driving age, you and your profile will appear outdated. Mention your three terrific kids in your profile, but don’t provide details of their dates, weddings, or graduations. You can always talk about that on the phone, in an email, or in person.

Other tips to keep your profile on the top of a search include changing the order of your photos and add new ones, periodically update your screen name and your bio description, and log on daily to show that you’re active and are serious about meeting someone.

For more help in creating your irresistible online dating profile, contact us at CyberDatingExpert.com and we’ll work with you to personalize your experience and help you while looking for love online.

Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and follow her at Twitter.com/JulieSpira

How to Forgive a Cheater [VIDEO]

In our continuing “He Says, She Says” video dating and relationship advice series on YourTango, Charles J. Orlando and I tackle the subject of infidelity in a relationship. Should you forgive or walk away? Is there a difference between a one-night stand and an ongoing affair? I invite you to share your comments on this painful subject.

If you like this video, share it with your friends and chime in with your comments.

Online Dating – Is Honesty the Best Policy?

I recently attended a swanky party in Beverly Hills and met a lovely single woman who said she had to talk to me about her online dating profile. Naturally, I was ready to hear what her secret was.

She boasted about how she had written the most creative and best profile of anyone on Match.com. She went into great details about how she listed everything that was unacceptable in a man and that if he had any of these personality traits, they shouldn’t bother writing to her.

After listening to her enthusiasm about a profile filled with negativity, I asked the million dollar question, “Did you lie about your age?” Her response was an immediate yes. She claimed, as many singles do, that she looked so much younger than her real age and took six years off her age to fit into a search. When I asked her how long she had been looking for love online, she responded that she hadn’t been in a relationship for six years.

Obviously her personal digital marketing plan wasn’t working. She had never been married and was almost 60 years old. She agreed to a critique and was ready for some dating tips.

Sure, she went to one of the top dermatologists in town. Sure, she wore designer labels and dressed to impress the women who would recognize them. At the end of the day, she was inauthentic and still single.

I offered to critique her profile and made some subtle changes. She listed her dream life, one where she wanted a man to financially support her and proudly claimed she was high maintenance. It wasn’t the life she was living yet, and her inbox wasn’t filled with male suitors ready to sign up. She stated in her first sentence that she was great looking. Men are visual. They will decide upon viewing your profile photo if they are attracted to you or not. Stating it in the first sentence appeared conceited to most men who viewed her photo and most of them moved on.

I share these true stories with you because authenticity is sexy. Being authentic translates to being confident and happy. Where you are now is just fine. Keep your dreams, but portray yourself in your profile as approachable, realistic and human. I encourage all of you who feel you need to lie in your profile about your age, weight, or financial status to toss that belief out the digital window. You are just perfect, the way you are. It’s time for some truth-in-advertising and for you to really find love online.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com. Like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert for dating advice and follow her at Twitter.com/JulieSpira

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