I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish and we’ve been dating for about six months. We took your advice and both took our profiles down together as a bit of a ceremony and celebration after two months of dating and have even been talking about the future.
Last week, my friend saw a new POF profile that he posted with a different name, as he viewed hers while he was searching.
My heart is broken. I confronted him on it and he said it was an old profile, one he had before he met me, but deep down I think he always had two profiles up and that I’ve been played.
I’m not sure if I can trust him or not or if I’m overreacting. Please help.
Disappointed in Baton Rouge
I can feel your pain and what you’re going through is not uncommon. As a matter of fact, I hear this all the time.
Often when a man gets too close to a woman, especially around the 6-month mark, he starts to panic. Men are very basic. The thought of never sleeping with another woman again feels like death to him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or that you aren’t the best thing that’s ever happened to him in the whole wide world.
The Internet makes it so easy for people to take a peek to see who else is out there, especially if he’s thinking about a more permanent relationship with you. In the bestselling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus , author John Gray talks about the rubber-band man. The guy who gets really close to you and then has to retreat and disappear when he needs time for the tension in the rubber band to build up again. Sometimes he goes into his cave and doesn’t want to be with you. Other times, he pulls back because he isn’t sure of his feelings about love and commitment. Either way, don’t chase after him and ask what’s wrong.
Before you think he’s breaking your heart, give it a little time. A pull back and new Internet dating profile are both something to be concerned with, but don’t overreact just yet. Accusing him of messing around on you isn’t the answer. If he wants to be with you, let him know you’d appreciate him taking down the second profile, but don’t insist on it. It’s up to him to decide if he wants to continue fishing and run the risk of losing a lifetime of love with you.
Now is not the time to get even and put up your profile and start dating until you’ve resolved this issue together. If he truly wants to date others, wish him well and do so as well.
There are over 1500 dating sites on the Internet, so if you decide it’s time to move on find a different site to hang your digital hat so you don’t find yourself staring at his profile and obsessing whether he’s found someone else or not.
Looking at other women online is very hurtful, I know. It’s emotional cheating, even if he isn’t setting up other dates. But it also gives him the time to look at some photos and decide if you’re the one he wants to move forward with. Think of it as if he’s looking at photos in a magazine. I know it’s worse, but remember, your friend saw his profile online, she didn’t catch him in bed with another woman.
Please keep us posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Do you have a dating question for Cyber Dating Expert Julie Spira?
The Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert mailbox is filling up these days. Many of the questions are from men who would like to move their relationship from online to offline.
Here’s a question from Tim who can’t seem to get past an instant message.
I recently started online dating and I have gotten decent responses, but when I ask the women to chat or talk, I never seem to get a reply.
What can I do to take it to the next step and have girls reply to me?
You are not alone with your frustrations with online dating. Keep in mind that online dating is a numbers game. Some singles are online enjoying chat rooms and aren’t interested in a serious relationship. They may like social dating or just the companionship from their computer screen.
If you are looking for a serious relationship, these are not the women you should be wasting your time with. There are many women online who would like to hear from you. Here’s my advice.
My suggestion is to be proactive. If you find someone you would like to communicate with, ask for their email address and phone number. Find out when the best time to contact them will be. If you call a woman and she doesn’t return your call, she may be just busy, or she could be juggling several men. After all, you are both members of a dating site. Try waiting a few days and calling a second time. If she doesn’t return your call, move on. Period. Erase her name from your database and continue on your search.
RETHINK YOUR SEARCH CRITERIA
If you are attracting women who aren’t interested in talking to you repeatedly, take a look in the mirror and do a personal inventory. Perhaps the image of the woman you want to attract doesn’t really meet your criteria. Change it up a bit and try contacting someone whose profile is different than the ones who have ignored you.
KEEP IT SIMPLE
Make sure your initial emails or instant messages are brief. Say something fun and flirty to pique her curiosity so she will want to be available for your calls. Long-winded instant messages and emails are a turn-off to women. I say leave the baggage at home.
MAKE A DATE
After you have spoken on the phone, if you feel there is phone chemistry, ask her out and put a date on the calendar. You need to move your relationships from online to offline as soon as possible so you can see if you have a connection in person.
I wish you all the best of luck with your search.
Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Julie Spira is known worldwide as the Cyber-Dating Expert. She is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and host of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com
Just how powerful is the relationship status change on Facebook? Read this story from “Facebook Leftover” and feel free to share your own.
My ex-boyfriend and I are both on Facebook. While we were still together we became friends on Facebook. After our break up, we decided together that we would remain friends. We both removed our status on Facebook from “In a Relationship” to no status at all, hoping people wouldn’t make a fuss about it.
The problem is, I can’t help but look at his status updates. I still have strong feelings for him. If I de-friend him, I might hurt his feelings and may never have the chance to get back together with him.
Now, I’m the one who is feeling hurt. He recently changed his status to “In a Relationship” and I know it’s not with me. He’s moved on and is dating someone else and I haven’t. Why does this hurt so much? What should I do?
Dear Facebook Leftover,
There is nothing more powerful on Facebook than the relationship status change. Friends worldwide are obsessed when you change your status from “Single” to “In a Relationship” and then back to “Single. Most people don’t really want to know why “It’s Complicated” but they like to provide their comments regardless.
Friends who never comment suddenly want to know who you are in a relationship with when you change your status from “single” to “In a Relationship.” Even if you change from “Single” to eliminating your relationship status entirely, some question whether you have done so because you have met someone.
To get over your former facebook beau, here’s my advice: you MUST de-friend him. You can’t obsess over what is happening with him and his new sweetheart. If he is interested in getting back together with you, he knows how to find you. Every day that you hang on to the memories of your past and look at his life, you are wasting your precious youth.
Sound harsh? I’m sorry, but de-friend him now. Don’t stare at his wall and start thinking about your future. Let’s start with putting your relationship status back on facebook and list yourself as “Single.” Yes, you open yourself up to questions of “What happened?” and “So sorry it didn’t work out” comments, but you also allow the world to know that you are single. Perhaps a secret crush may see you as single on facebook and contact you. This is exactly how one of our Cyber Love Story of the Week featured couples met in real life.
Other friends of yours may now think about fixing you up when they hear about a great single guy in town. I suggest you go from single without status, to announcing to the world that you are happy and available. It’s a free way to let your true friends lend a hand in your matchmaking activities and get over the guy who apparently has gotten over you.
Keep me posted and best of luck.
If you have a question to ask for Julie Spira, please send an email to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
I’ve met a man online that I’m absolutely crazy about. He’s tall, sexy, worldly, and I knew instantly there was a connection. The problem is, he lives in another country. I know I should try to meet someone closer to home, but every month one of us flies to visit the other. I call him my boyfriend.
I am recently divorced and he’s never been married. He says he dates other women due to the distance. Yet, I hear from him every day via text messaging, emails, and phone calls and we plan wonderful trips together. I count the days until I see him.
I feel like I am being kept on hold just waiting for him to tell me that I’m the one and that he wants me to move in with him. It’s been a year already. What can I do to get him to commit to me exclusively? I am not interested in dating anyone else.
You are in a classic vacation romance relationship. It can be so exciting, especially when there’s a passport involved. However, you are wasting your precious youth as you wait for him to decide if you’re the one. Have you counted the amount of nights you end up alone for significant holidays or for special events? You also indicated that you are recently divorced, so this may be a transition relationship, which is not a bad idea.
However, for you to call a man who lives thousands of miles away your boyfriend when you know he is dating others, isn’t realistic. You also can’t force a man to decide to be exclusive. He is sending you all of the messages that this a relationship of convenience and fun. If he isn’t talking monogamy, future, and marriage, he is just plain not interested. My best advice is to put your online dating profile back up on one or two sites and start casually dating. Men hate the big ultimatum and there’s no reason for you to put your life on hold.
It’s time to move the fantasy of your relationship over and let an available men enter your life. You don’t have to break up or stop communicating, but it’s an international friends with benefits relationship you’ve got going.
Good luck with your search.
Do you have a relationship question for Julie Spira or need dating advice? Contact us at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Spring fever is here and my Inbox is filling up with questions from frustrated singles looking for love both online and offline. What happens when you are only attracting married men? Read my dating advice for Sandra who is newly single.
My boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. We had been together for 6 years and I thought he was “the one.”
He has moved on and is now living with a new woman. I understand that the relationship is truly over.
However, now that I am single, I seem to be attracting married men. At parties, the married men seem to gravitate towards men. I signed up for an online dating service and met two men who were separated, and weren’t really available.
What am I doing wrong? Please help.
Thank you for your email. It’s not uncommon for a man to move on quickly when a relationship ends. The fact that you are not pining or jealous that your ex is in a relationship, while you are not, is a good sign that you are healing and moving forward with your life.
Now let’s get to the heart of the matter here. You have become a married-man magnet. Perhaps you are more comfortable talking to unavailable men offline as you know you won’t get rejected. The relationship can’t go anywhere. Keep in mind this is only a friendship, and probably an acquaintance at best.
The truth is, you probably are not ready for a new relationship yet. I suggest you take it slow and make the most of your online dating site. Don’t respond to men whose profiles say “separated.” Ask more questions before you get to a first date. When you become an available woman, you’ll become a man magnet (without the married).
Keep me posted and best of luck with your search.
If you have a question for Cyber Dating Expert Julie Spira, please send them to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact