Dating Advice: To Take Down, or Not to Take Down Your Profile
Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert
Dating in a Web 2.0 World can be very tricky and emotional at times. The big drama often surrounds one pulling down their online dating profile while the other is still playing the field. I’m not into game playing and believe you should follow your heart.
However, it’s rare for two people who are in a new relationship to be on the same digital page on each and every date. While you’re in the getting-to-know you phase, the best rules are ones which include honesty and avoid entrapment.
So when I was asked by Diane Mapes to contribute to her article on Match.com’s Happen Magazine, in Pulling your profile after finding The One, I was happy to share my thoughts.
Let’s start with the unplugging parties. Should you agree to have a celebration and pull down your profiles together? It’s a growing popular trend, but I think it comes with too much pressure. If the man suggests an unplugging celebration and you feel great about it, go ahead and do so. It’s like having a digital anniversary. While I believe a woman could suggest future outings and dates, I don’t believe she should be the one to schedule a date to unplug. There’s still some old-fashioned chivalry and courtship that takes place, both online and offline.
In matters of digital courting, typically the man takes down his profile first. Perhaps he’ll share that information with his date, but if they’ve just met, it can scare a woman away. She’ll be flattered, but might not be ready to go to the next step of dating exclusively or be ready for any intimate expectations that might be expected with retiring dating profiles. If a woman takes down her profile, guys shouldn’t run away thinking she did it for them. Often a woman will receive too many emails from men she isn’t interested in, or her paid membership may have expired.
Taking down your profile as well as changing your Facebook relationship status can be a big deal and come along with 2-dimensional assumptions that could kill your relationship.
The best times to take down your profile:
1. You’re tired of online dating and are receiving too many emails from incompatible people, or too few emails to make it worth your while.
2. You have a crush on someone and you don’t want him or her to think you’re a serial dater logging in daily to see the next fresh face.
3. One has already taken their profile down and you feel you’d like to reciprocate and see where the relationship will go.
4. You both agree to date exclusively.
5. Before you become physically intimate.
The worst times to take down a profile:
1. After a first date. Sorry, it’s just too soon and will send him or her running with the fear they are in an instant relationship.
2. If you feel pressured to do so by the other party.
3. To make someone else you like feel jealous.
4. To pressure your date to do the same.
5. To hide it temporarily before your date knowing you plan on re-posting it when you get home.
When *Debbie was thinking about going on her first romantic weekend away with *Mike, it made sense for the two of them to take down their profiles. However *Mike gave her the big ultimatum. She wasn’t exactly ready to retire her profile, but he kept her on the phone and walked her through the instructions until he was satisfied that her profile was removed. Debbie found this behavior controlling and their relationship ran its course. She still tells me that she remembers the day that he forced her to take down her profile, or he’d be moving on.
When *Mark told *Jill he had taken his profile down on their 4th date, Jill was flattered, but told him she just wasn’t ready. She hoped that she would catch up, but was open to dating others still. After the 6th date, Jill decided to date Mark exclusively and took down her profile on her own. This relationship started off based upon honesty and without manipulation. Mark was willing to wait for Jill rather than leave her for a more eager face. The two eventually got engaged.
At the end of the digital day, I believe in developing the friendship part of your relationship if you’re looking for long-term love. Remember, you’ve met online and you’re creating your relationship history now offline. Taking down your profile doesn’t mean you’re going ring shopping or heading to the altar. It doesn’t mean you’re jumping into bed either. Often it’s a gesture to show genuine interest. Be flattered when he or she takes down their profile, but don’t go crazy with assumptions and over analyze the situation. You’re just dating and getting to know each other. Enjoy the journey.
Julie Spira is an online dating and cyber-relations expert. She’s the Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt and Like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Cyber Love Links
It’s a beautiful spring weekend and time to share some of our favorite stories about dating, love and romance from around the web and on Twitter with you.
First of all, we’d like to thank Ithaca College for the terrific article in their IC View magazine that is sent out to all alumni. The story, Finding Love Online featured my dating advice and tips for singles on the dating scene. Many thanks to our friends at Sparkology for including us in their Dating Experts column in, “How to Politely Say You’re Not Interested.”
My two cents worth:
More often-than-not, online messages are ignored. Don’t start humming to the Nick Lowe song, “You’ve Got to be Cruel to be Kind” if you decide to respond. Say thank you, but add that you don’t feel you have enough in common to pursue a relationship, or let them know if they’re out of your geographic location or age range.
Of course the hot romantic news of the week was the Friday the 13th announcement of Brad and Angelina’s engagement. There’s no shortage of stories about the ring, but our favorites include CBS News who reports that Brad worked on the engagement ring for a year and Vanity Fair who announced that the famous ring now has an agent.
USA Today interviewed Steve Harvey, author of Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, which we had featured in our Reading Room. In this article, the cast dished dating advice, both from the film and how they handle love in the real world. Cosmo posted 10 Fun First Date Ideas He’ll Love. Our favorite was sneaking into a matinee. Our friend Natasha Burton posted on Huffington Post Weddings: Should You Follow Your Nose — Not Your Heart–To Find Love. Would you go to a Pheromone Party to find love at first sniff? See what Natasha has to say on the subject.
YourTango reported on Chris Noth’s (aka Mr. Big) Hawaiian wedding bells to his long-time girlfriend Tara Wilson. Yes, there can be happy ending for a 10-year relationship. Sometimes patience is a virtue.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
The Cyber-Dating Expert Team
Online Dating Advice on Planet Love Match
It was an honor to be a guest on Planet Love Match Radio with hosts Jen Tapiero and Josh Nasar. Some dating advice included what to put in your online dating profile as well as topics to avoid. Learn what makes a profile irresistible with dating tips for singles looking for love online. Also in this episode, Quentin Aaron, from The Blind Side joined the show and talked about his views on dating.
For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Julie Spira is a cyber-relations and online dating expert. She’s the Editor-in-Chief at CyberDatingExpert.com and writes irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene.
Dating and Love in a Web 2.0 World [infographic]
We love Infographics showing the latest trends in online and social dating and couldn’t wait to share this latest one with you.
Some old standards remain to this day, including 49% of singles look at physical characteristics and 64% are interested in dating someone with common interests, but 27% of women are reporting they’ve been dumped in an email, text, or IM. Guys, where are your digital manners? We’re still happy though that 54% of men have experienced love at first sight, so romance is still alive and well.
Since “Brunette” is the new “black,” we had to point out that 60% of men prefer dark hair over blonde.
Enjoy!
~The Cyber-Dating Expert Team
Dating in a Virtual World by Free Dating.co.uk
For online dating advice, Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Finding Love Online – Tonya Hall Radio Show
Join online dating expert Julie Spira as she returns to The Tonya Hall Show on KCRN, The Radio Colorado Network on Friday, March 30, 2012. We’ll be talking about social dating, love and romance in a web 2.0 world.
The online dating industry is continuing to grow at rapid speed with thousands of sites to choose from. Julie and Tonya will talk about how to stand out in the crowded digital marketplace and how to embrace mobile dating.
Should you be sending that Facebook friends request to someone you just started dating? Will you talk about searching him or her on Google? Should you send a text message to confirm?
Call in at 855-464-5905 at 8am/pacific time with your questions. We’ll be discussing this and more on The Tonya Hall Show.
Cyber Love Links – Gaming and Dating in a Web 2.0 World
Love never goes out of style and there was no shortage of love links this week on our Twitter stream.
The week started out with the huge news that the California Attorney General Kamala D. Harris announced her joint release for online dating safety. Dating sites eHarmony, Match, and Spark Networks, owner of JDate and Christian Mingle joined together to make singles feel safer while looking for love online. This story was covered everywhere in the world, including USA Today, Time, and Mashable.
As a cyber-relations and online dating expert, I helped spread the good news on Huffington Post in How to Use Google and Facebook for Online Dating Safety. On GenConnect, you can view videos from both myself and Attorney General Kamala D. Harris in Online Dating to Become Safer for Singles. On Sunday at 5pm/pt, I’ll be a guest with Phil Shuman on FOX News to talk about this subject as well. For more safety tips, check out the SAFETY link on our home page. We take online dating safety seriously. We also want to help you fall in love online.
On a lighter note, MBA Programs posted an Infographic called “Gamers Get Girls.” We loved it so much that we added it to our pinboard on Pinterest. You’ll see an interesting comparison of how online dating stacks up to online gaming. Our friends at Ask Men taught the guys that telling your date too much just isn’t a good idea. Check out Killing Challenge: Why you shouldn’t reveal too much too soon. In honor of the return of Mad Men, How About We shared a great post, Are You a Don Draper or a Trudy Campbell: Find Your Mad Men Dating Style. One of our latest success couples sent me a text message from the airport on their way to Paris! Yes, her irresistible profile on Match helped her find her dream guy. In honor of their new love, I’m sharing an article I enjoyed on GalTime, 6 Most Romantic Places in Paris. Speaking of GalTime, many thanks to Marianne Beach for featuring our dating advice in A Dozen Tips for Dating in a Facebook World, which also appeared on Yahoo! Shine.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
~The Cyber-Dating Expert Team
Like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for more dating advice
5 Ways to Make Your Dating Profile More Irresistible
If your inbox is rather empty and your online dating profile is ho-hum, it’s time for a digital facelift to ramp up your search.
When you watch the TV commercials for eHarmony, Match.com, or Zoosk and see several success couples, do you wonder why it’s not working for you?
Before you hang up your digital hat, know that it doesn’t take an army to help you create an irresistible online dating profile, but just like a good newspaper or magazine article, you do need to stand out in the crowded marketplace.
Here are five tips that you can try on your own. If you need a little hand-holding, visit IrresistibleProfiles.com and we’ll get you started in no time.
Tips for Creating an Irresistible Online Dating Profile
1. It’s all About the Photos. If hiring a professional photographer is in your budget, it’s an excellent idea. Perhaps you don’t need to buy that extra dress on sale. If not, grab a friend with a digital camera and snap about 100 photos in 5 different outfits. You can always fall back on browsing the photos you’ve uploaded on Facebook to add to your profile. Men are visual. If you look like you’re photo, he’ll be pleasantly surprised and will let you know. Most men are disappointed when you post photos from your Senior Prom, or that are a decade old. Post 3-5 photos, and remember to make one of them a full-length shot. Hint: He might be checking Facebook to see if your online dating photos resemble those you’ve posted on Facebook.
2. Create a Catchy Screen Name. Stumped as to what’s catchy? You’d be surprised how many people take the random name assigned by the computer. Suzie12389 isn’t as catchy as BalletDancerinNY. If you’re still scratching your head and your favorite name is taken, remember the lyrics to a song that you were singing to in the car. How Music Can Enhance Your Online Dating Profile
3. Be Specific. While browsing through profiles, you might notice that so many just seem to look alike. Who wants to date a plain vanilla when they can have sugar and spice or cookies and cream? Don’t say you like music. Say you like classic rock music and are a Bruce Springsteen fanatic as you grew up in New Jersey. Who knows? You might get invited to a concert. Don’t say you like to travel, but say you loved skiing in Lake Tahoe one winter at a specific ski resort. Get the picture?
4. Leave the Novel at Home. There’s no need to reveal all. Sometimes, less is more. Profiles with over 200 words will be looked over after the first few sentences. It’s best to leave some mystery for your phone conversations and when you meet in real life.
5. Leave the Baggage Behind. Whether it’s an ex-boyfriend, ex-spouse, or ex-boss for that matter, no one wants to hear your dirty laundry. Avoid being the “Debbie Downer” of online dating and write about things you love. Everyone has had a bad date or two, but it’s not worth broadcasting. Ask yourself what you’re the most passionate about and let your potential date know what brings you joy.
At the end of the digital day, online dating is a numbers game. With over 120 million people worldwide logging on looking for love, there’s no better way to fill your date card until you find “the one.”
Julie Spira is an online dating expert, bestselling author, and the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating and relationship advice, follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Winks, emails, and IMs — oh my! Online Dating Etiquette
Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert
Yes ladies. Men do take online dating seriously.
After creating an irresistible profile for a newly widowed male client on Match.com, he decided it was time to put all ten toes and suddenly realized he needed a lesson in online dating etiquette.
He’s a terrific catch, signed up for the Totally in Love plan, and actually wants to meet an age-appropriate woman and wonders, what is the proper online dating etiquette? Within 24 hours he was bombarded with emails, winks, and IMs. He already has a date on the calendar with a highly educated woman who lives close to him. He’s on the right digital path.
I told him to get ready for the ride and showed him how to get organized. I knew he’d get a lot of initial emails and views to his profile. He wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming response from women interested in meeting him. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, he decided to embrace the process. He wanted to know how to put his best foot forward to be successful. His questions were ones that many singles are confused about when they first join an Internet dating site. All are worth sharing.
1. I haven’t responded yet to the 3 or 4 women who’ve “winked” at me. What’s the proper etiquette?
When a woman winks at a man, she’s signally to him that she’s open to communicating. Generally, it’s her way of saying, “check out my profile and if you’re interested, please email me.” What she won’t probably want is to be winked back in return, so if you like what you see, read her profile and find something unique and interesting to write about and put that in the subject line. This way you’ll have a greater chance of receiving an email in return from her.
2. Same thing with the women who’ve e-mailed me. What’s considered good, what’s simply appropriate, and what’s rude?
If you’re interested in someone who has emailed you, read her profile and write back in a timely manner. Remember, you’re not the only guy she’s communicating with and a prompt response will not only be appreciated, but will put your name on her date card. If you’re not interested, you can either ignore the email, or thank her for writing to you. If her profile isn’t inline with what you’re looking for, you can politely point that out and wish her the best. The only way you’d be rude is if you insulted her, which I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do.
3. A couple of women have IM’d me while I was online. Personally I find that really intrusive, even obnoxious. For that reason, I’m highly reluctant to IM anyone else. But I don’t know how the game is played. Again, what’s the proper thing to do? Can I just turn off my IM capability?
Instant messaging isn’t for everyone. While it can be fun, flirty, and instantaneous, some might find it annoying. To remove the IM feature, log onto your account, click on Account in the upper right hand side of the profile and in the dropdown menu click on settings, and then click on Instant messenger. This is where you can both turn off your instant messaging and IM alerts.
4. What’s a polite but clear way to express disinterest (for example, if I decide I’ve got no interest in meeting someone who contacts me first)?
There’s no perfect answer to this question. While you might want to appear like the nice guy and let them know that you don’t think you’re a match, they might be offended and insulted. If you ignore them, then they’ll wonder why they’re being rejected. You can take your time before you quickly push the reply button to the email and do what you feel is right for you, but remain polite. After all, she might have a friend to introduce you to if you’re a genuine guy, so don’t close the door completely.
Do you have questions about online dating? Visit CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice, like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and subscribe to our Weekly Flirt.
How to Get Over a Valentine’s Breakup
There’s no doubt about it, breaking up around Valentine’s is the pits. It’s in line with being left at the altar, broken engagements, and birthday breakups.
There’s no good time to breakup, but in the digital age, breaking up means changing your Facebook status, deleting and untagging photos, and sometimes having a few down days. Since we have a long holiday weekend, go ahead and take the time to recover.
My friend ellie at Pink Kisses contributed a great Valentine’s breakup post that I wanted to share with you again. It’s time to heal that breaking heart.
Beating the Post-Valentine Breakup Blues
by ellie scarborough of pinkkisses.com
Valentine’s Day has been hyped up since the days of cheap paper cartoon cards with lollipops stuck through the center. We all went home one day each year with a bunch of obligatory doilies and dimestore candy stuffed into our backpacks, and February 15th was just another day.
Now that we’re adults, the annual schmoopfest is every bit as ubiquitous as it was back then, but it takes on a different meaning these days. In a way, even though it’s billed as “the most romantic day of the year,” it somewhat ironically signals the end of … well, couples season. It starts with the age-old “do I or don’t I take you home to meet the family” question just before Thanksgiving, cruises beneath the mistletoe of December and pauses for a much-anticipated (and sometimes overrated) midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve. There’s so much societal pressure leading up to mid-February that, once the candies have been devoured and the roses have died, it’s no wonder so many couples start splitting up before the spring.
At pinkkisses.com, we’ve been hearing lately from girls whose boyfriends called it quits right after Valentine’s Day. And it’s not a huge surprise that with spring break coming up, lots of college couples are going their separate ways as well; in fact, a study of Facebook noted recently that the weeks leading up to spring break are a peak time of year for statuses to switch from “in a relationship” to “single.” The bottom line is this: although temperatures are starting to warm up and flowers are beginning to bloom, lots of relationships are cooling and the victims left in their wake are probably feeling a little wilted right about now.
But here’s the thing: while the end of a relationship may signal a low point, bringing out all your insecurities and temporarily damaging your sense of self-worth, you don’t have to wallow in the mire. In fact, you can flip your so-called “low point” on its ear and create a turning point out of it. Sure, it’s necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of what you once shared with your ex, but a breakup offers a hidden treasure: the opportunity to start fresh – not just with your dating life, but with your entire life in general.
All that time you were spending with your ex can now be spent doing… well, whatever you damn well please. The pursuits you weren’t making room for in your life can now take center stage. You may be feeling small, but in reality you’re standing on a perfect platform for transformation. The weeks and months following a tough breakup present an amazing opportunity to — as we like to say — find your inner badass. Think of it as a clean slate. It’s a chance to take control of your life and emerge stronger, wiser and happier on the other side. Make no mistake: no matter when, how or why it all had to end, moving on and living well is most definitely the best revenge. And in the end, it’s sweeter than any Valentine chocolates could ever be.
If you love this post, like Pink Kisses and Cyber-Dating Expert on Facebook.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Sign up for the Weekly Flirt for dating advice and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com
Science or Luck – The Great Online Dating Debate
By now you’ve probably heard the good news. Online Dating has officially lost its stigma and now ranks second in the U.S. for matchmaking. Whether you’ve met your dream date or spouse by answering 250 questions on eHarmony or answered some intimate questions on OkCupid, one thing’s for sure, online dating is no longer for the socially challenged. It’s here to stay and is now residing primarily on your mobile phone or iPad.
A group of 5 researchers collected data on the subject to be published in the February issue of the Journal for the Association of Psychological Science. These experts claim that these dating algorithms are nonsense. The report claims that online dating encourages a “shopping mentality” and that singles are getting too picky with too many choices. Do you agree? Is it just the luck of the draw, or is there some magic to the proprietary methods Internet dating sites use to keep you engaged and active on their site?
Dating algorithms and scientific matching were a subject of heated panel at the recent Internet Dating Conference in Miami, where Dr. Eli J. Finkel, the study’s lead author and an associate professor of social psychology at Northwestern University, said there was no science behind the algorithms. OkCupid’s CEO and co-founder Sam Yagan and Dr. Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, who created the Personality Profiler for online dating site Perfect Match, vehemently disagreed. The sites stood by their list of questions to help singles meet better matches, whether through math or science.
At the end of the digital day, online dating has become social dating, and it’s not going away anytime soon.
How do you feel about personality profiles on Chemistry, Perfect Match, and eHarmony.com? Do you believe you’ll get better matches? Are you finding it hard to commit with too many choices in your inbox?
Your comments are welcome and appreciated.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
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