Do Internet Daters Suffer from Online Dating Fatigue?
August 30, 2011
Lately, I’ve been questioning whether singles who are members of online dating sites really want to meet someone and create a real relationship that goes from online to offline, or just spend time hanging out in cyberspace. It appears that many daters are suffering from a relationship syndrome called ODF, the acronym for online dating fatigue. It can also be defined as IDF, Internet dating fatigue.
While I might sound like eHarmony’s founder Neil Clark Warren, who wrote an article on Huffington Post, On Second Thought, Don’t Get Married, where I’m telling online daters that they might need to take a break as well, there’s some truth to ODF. In Warren’s article, he questioned whether marriage has become obsolete. The article is still being talked about and was shared by over 4000 people on Facebook and Twitter and “liked” by over 13,000 people. Something to ponder.
As an online dating expert and coach, I’m not suggesting you should abandon online dating completely, but instead consider taking a break and return refreshed, along with a new set of rules and digital tools that might increase your chances of success. Just as athletes get muscle fatigue, daters do get online dating fatigue.
In my coaching practice, I meet singles and divorcee’s who are already fed up with the process. There are several reasons why I believe they’re suffering from ODF, and am here to provide some suggestions and online dating tips that just might wake you up from the exhausting process.
1. You’re tired of logging on and coming up empty handed.
You go to the gym three times a week, meet your friends for drinks twice a week, and spend an hour a day logging on to your online dating account to view photos of eligible singles. You hand pick 10 men or women to write to and take the time to personalize the subject line. The result is, no one ever writes back. You don’t know why they weren’t interested, wondered if they had an inactive profile where they couldn’t read your email, or were testing the waters with a few others and would consider you for the future. You diligently send emails more often-than-not, and still wake up to an empty inbox. It’s discouraging, I know. You feel like it’s a chore.
2. You’re tired of trying to create interesting introduction emails.
You know you’re smart, witty, and have that great sense of humor everyone advertises that they’re looking for. Yet, you find it hard to write an introduction email that will be catchy and stand out. You didn’t grow up wanting to be a copywriter, so your personality doesn’t shine. As a result, you spend less time logging on. Finding a date or a mate goes down a notch or two on the totem pole. You’ve worked hard all day at work. You really don’t want to work that hard when you get home. The end result is, you lose interest. You’re suffering from ODF.
Take for example *Mike (name changed), who has been sending the same 770 word count email about himself for four years to women promising a lifetime of happiness. He wrote a novel with over 50 sentences to introduce himself.
Chances are Mike never reads the profiles of the pretty faces he views. He diligently copies the same email daily and sends it cold to women with a shotgun approach. His subject line is empty and says, (none). Sure online dating is a numbers game, but if you aren’t an educated player, your email may end up deleted by the third sentence. I finally had to tell him, “Copy + paste = erase” and suggested that he leave the novel at home. He didn’t appreciate my constructive criticism and is still single to this day.
3. You’re too picky.
If anyone has ever suggested that you might be too picky, chances are, they’re right. Your list may be so long on your profile, that it discourages would-be suitors to find someone more easy-going. If your search parameters are too narrow, it’s rare that you’ll find a compatible partner, online or offline.
Take *Janie for example. She’s a vivacious woman with a lot to offer a man. She has a successful career, beautiful home, loves to cook, and really wanted to fall in love. She came to me as a last resort, having been single for a decade. I looked at her profile and her search requirements were so limiting. She only wanted to meet a man who lived within a five-mile radius of where she resided. Her age parameters only spanned five years. It was an impossible task with unrealistic expectations. She didn’t realize it, but she was too picky. We broadened her search to 40 miles and expanded her age range to 12-years, 6 older and 6 younger than herself. She’s now dating someone age-appropriate who lives a town away. Are you too picky? If so, it’s time to cast a wider net.
4. You’re unavailable.
You wouldn’t send a resume looking for your dream job without an email and phone contact for the recruiter to call you for the job interview, so you shouldn’t be so difficult to reach to set up a date.
Take *Bill, a handsome and successful man as an example. He always makes a good first impression in his introductory emails. He sends the women his phone number along with a message telling them that he’s only available to speak at 12pm and 9pm. Most people have busy lives, both personally and professionally. So if a woman called Bill outside of those two limited time slots, they’d not only get his voicemail, but he also had “call intercept” on his line requesting that you announce yourself before he’d pick up the call. Pre-screening your date’s inbound phone call is a netiquette no-no. Of course most of the women hung up. Bill’s still single. A little more flexibility and removing call intercept on his phone to make time for love might help with his search. If you want to get on his or her date card, you need to move the process along from the initial email and find the time to put a real date on the calendar.
5. You’ve gone on too many first dates.
You’ve managed to pass the dating filters, sent a few emails and text messages back-and-forth, and the first phone call went well. You dined at a restaurant that you hoped might impress him or her. The process took about two weeks, but it seems you never graduate to a second date. While the reasons may vary, most include:
- He or she didn’t look like their photo
- There was no chemistry
- He or she never called again
- He or she didn’t respond to your text or email message
You thought the first date went well. They laughed at your jokes and said they’d like to see you again. You spent precious resources of time and money on the dating process with no return on your investment.
Yes, dating can be expensive, but you don’t need to dine at the Four Seasons to impress someone. These days, it’s not unhip to use a deal-of-the-day coupon or Groupon for a dating idea, providing you’re not only asking for two-for-one yogurt at $4.99. The result is, you’re wallet is now thin and you still find yourself alone on date night. You get frustrated with the process and end up with ODF.
If any of these five scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Online dating fatigue is very real. Sometimes you need to take a break, other times you need to fine tune your profile or change your parameters and habits. At the end of the digital day, there are over 120 million singles in the world looking for love online. Not everyone suffers from online dating fatigue.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert, social media strategist and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Connect with Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Digital Dating – Tips for Long-Distance Love
July 26, 2011
Thinking about expanding your zip code or dusting off your passport while looking for love online? I can tell you from first-hand experience that you need to cast a wide net and brush up on your technology skills. Mobile phone use and high speed Internet makes it so much easier than in the pre-Internet days where you spent a fortune in long-distance bills and time buying Hallmark cards. Now, a cute e-card, Skype, twitter, and facebook along with your smartphone should keep you digitally connected and happily-in-love.
In a recent interview in the Times-Union, A Modern Twist on Long-Distance Love, I talked about the use of Skype and texting to keep you connected to your loved ones.
Julie Spira, author of “The Perils of Cyber Dating,” says many people look at technology to enhance relationships. Whether you use Skype, iChat or text, technology makes it virtually impossible to be disconnected from the world.
Spira said people must still invest in the relationship, and that relationships held together over distance are big commitments.
Spira advises women to even put on that cute dress and lipstick, the same as they would do face to face.
But Spira cautions that relationships starting out as long distance have a longer honeymoon stage. “Sometimes long-distance relationships give the false illusion you are in a long-distance relationship, but it is a vacation relationship,” Spira said. “Time is so concentrated you only know vacation mode; it is a romantic fantasy.”
Spira said in vacation relationships, you often only see each other for a short period of time, so you usually stay at nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants and leave the real world behind.
“You don’t talk about issues real couples face, like talking about paying bills and mold in the house,” Spira said. “Vacation couples often have trouble making the transition into real relationships when they move to the same city or household.”
If you feel you’re in a vacation relationship, Spira said to incorporate regular life into the relationship, find boundaries and how to manage them.
“Try and focus on reality and not just romance.”
Are you involved in a long-distance relationship? Are you using video chat on facebook or skype as part of your digital dating regime? Your comments are always welcome and if you get a moment, follow me for dating advice on Twitter @JulieSpira, on facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and on Google+ gplus.to/juliespira
First Date Conversations – To Tell, or Not to Tell
July 12, 2011
I’m a believer in authenticity when it comes to dating. That means I believe you should tell your correct age, post recent photos, and be recognizable when you meet your date in person.
I also believe you should ration your information flow early on, so I find it disheartening to see dates with promise quickly end with no chance of a second date ever being put on the calendar.
Where am I going with this? Quite simply, you need to be prepared for your date. Before you leave the house, think about what you should and what you shouldn’t talk about. Think about what you’d tell a perspective boss to land your dream job, and what personal information shouldn’t make it to the interview. So without further digital ado, here are some dating tips and conversation topics to tell, and those that should quietly go to sleep with you at night alone.
1st Date Conversation Deal-Breakers Include:
- The ex-factor – Too much talk about your relationship history.
- The crazy ex-factor – Yes, every ex-wife or husband and ex-girlfriend or boyfriend were crazy. Can you elaborate? Please don’t.
- Your divorce – Leave that to the attorneys. Your date isn’t your legal counsel.
- Your therapist – We won’t give you sympathy on a first date, so leave your emotional problems for your next shrink session.
- How proud you are of your children. Don’t hide them from us. If you’re a great parent, we’d like to know.
- Where you grew up and who inspired you.
- Favorite vacation spots and cuisine.
- Favorite musical acts or concerts you’ve seen or books you’ve read.
For starters upon meeting, the gentleman proceeded to tell the lady she didn’t look like her photos at all. While that’s a common problem and one of the biggest fears a man has when he’s making a dinner reservation for a blind date, it quite simply wasn’t the case. Her photos posted to her online dating profile were recent and every other man she dated in the past few months had remarked about how much she looked exactly like her photos. Some even said she looked better than her pictures.
This gentleman justified his comment and proceeded to tell her that he was formerly a professional photographer. He was an expert and he was quite certain that she didn’t look like her photos. He then proceeded to say that she was extremely photogenic, but in real life looked very plain. Are you laughing yet? He insulted an attractive woman who he was actually interested in by telling her she was plain.Flattery does go far, s0 why tell a woman on a first date that she looked like a plain Jane? It was simply insulting. Isn’t it better to say nothing and just enjoy the conversation?
Then he started the nervous interrogation about her previous marriage by saying, “So who ended your marriage? You, or your husband?” Did it matter? No. She had been divorced for almost 10-years. It was old news and not first date conversation material. All that mattered was that her divorce was final and she was available to date. Her reply, with my coaching was “I don’t recall.”
Then he went down memory lane about his past and told her how he did LSD at Woodstock in 1969. Did she really need to know about his drug habit from 40 years ago? No, not really. Was he putting his best foot forward? Not at all.
Finally, he told her how crazy his ex-wife was and that she was bi-polar. As he started to talk about her manic-depression episodes, fortunately the alarm went off on her BlackBerry to let her know that the 2-hours in the parking meter had run out. She had 5 minutes to leave in order to avoid getting a parking ticket.
She gracefully thanked him for dinner and received a text message the next day telling her he had a great time and wanted to get together again. Remember, it’s a first date, not a therapy session. You may be nervous. After a few drinks, you might feel comfortable revealing all, but you’re making a first impression on someone you might spend the rest of your life with. If you think you shouldn’t tell a prospective boss about your days of doing LSD and bi-polar spouse to land your dream job, then you shouldn’t do the same with a woman or man you’re interested in dating.
Can you relate to this dating dilemma? Comments are welcome and we’d love it if you’d like us at facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert and at twitter.com/juliespira
Julie Spira is the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and to learn how to create an irresistible online dating profile.
5 Post-Valentine’s Tips for Online Dating
February 17, 2011
Whew! You made it through Valentine’s Day, or did you?
If you’re single, you might have stayed home and pulled the sheets over your head until the clock struck midnight. Other singles that I heard from gathered together for the evening and sipped a few cocktails together and then went home alone. It was agonizing. It was painful. I know, you don’t want to have another Valentine’s Day alone, which is why you’re visiting this site right now.
So, as the bearer of good news, we’re heading into March Madness and Spring Fever will be around the corner. What does this mean for singles? It means the holiday season from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s is thankfully over. The men who disappeared in the weeks leading to Valentine’s Day are resurfacing right now since the holiday pressure has subsided.
So toss away your favorite red dress for a moment and let’s talk about some online dating tips to get your profile noticed and rise to the top.
1. Start from Scratch. If you still like your current site, you don’t need a makeover of your present profile. What you need is a brand new profile originating from a new and unique email address. If you’ve taken a break from online dating and are ready to jump back in, don’t refresh your existing profile. Retire it permanently and start from scratch. This way you’ll show up in a search as “brand new” and you’ll be the fresh new face in the digital playing field.
2. Change Your Catchy Screen Name. Let’s face it. Your current screen name isn’t really that catchy is it? If so, you’d be riding into the sunset with someone right now. Think about a name that doesn’t describe you to your girlfriends. You’re writing to attract a quality man and he doesn’t want to hear about your shopping expeditions. While you may be a fashionista and will look great on a date, he’ll think you’ll be spending all of his money while gallivanting at the mall and won’t be spending time with him. Think about what you’d like to do together as a couple. What activities and interests will you have in common? Imagine spending them with your dream guy. Pick three different catchy screen names and rotate them on your profile headline. Don’t describe yourself as pretty or beautiful as you will seem shallow. Men are visual. They’ll notice how you look in your profile photos. You’ll know soon enough which names get the most attention.
3. Be Realistic. I’m not saying don’t be picky. Wanting a Renaissance man who makes $300,000 a year and will give you back massages and write you love notes all day long is not realistic. Whatever you have on your list, cut your list in half to show the absolutely most critical things you want in a partner. Our goal is to help you find love and a meaningful relationship. I know you can find it online and I’m here to help you do so.
4. Spend One Hour a Day Online. You say you’re too busy to spend one hour searching through profiles and finding quality men to date? If you can find time to go to the gym three times a week, meet your girlfriends for drinks, and attend business networking events, then you must allocate one hour a day to devote to your love life. I know you’re already logging onto Facebook up to an hour every day. While you’re checking the latest status updates and commenting, cut that time down and visit your online dating site.
5. Two is Better Than One. Online dating is a numbers game. Fortunately, there are over 1500 sites to pick from. My suggestion is to sign up for one mainstream popular site that has a lot of active members and select a second niche site to post another profile. If you’re wondering what a niche site is, it’s one that focuses in on your hobbies or religious beliefs. There are sites for book lovers, vegetarians, pet lovers, and those with medical conditions. There truly is someone for everyone. Visit our Dating Community for some sites that I recommend.
Make this spring your time to find the love that you truly are looking for. If you need personalized help with your online dating profile, you’re not alone. Contact us to find out more about coaching programs at CyberDatingExpert.com/Irresistible Coaching. We’ll help you create an irresistible online dating profile to attract your dream date.
eHarmony’s Valentine’s Advice – Ask the Cyber Dating Expert Show
February 12, 2011
Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert
What an honor and pleasure it was to feature eHarmony on the Valentine’s edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Show.
Dr. Gian Gonzaga, Senior director of research and development took time from his busy media schedule and book tour for this exclusive 30-minute radio interview.
Find out his online dating tips and relationship advice for Valentine’s. We know it’s stressful and your expectations are high.
You’ll hear about their new book the eHarmony Guide to Dating the Second Time Around and we’ve got 10 signed copies that we’re giving away on Facebook, so I hope you like us to enter to win.
We talked about when and how to introduce your children in your new relationship, what makes a good date, and if you should say “I Love You” on Valentine’s Day for the first time.
You’ll be surprised to find out that both men and women want the same three things.
Here’s the list:
1. Funny
2. Smart
3. Adaptable
Did you notice that sexy and hot aren’t on this list? So ladies, be flexible and enjoy the show!
Holiday Dating Advice on Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show
December 2, 2010
Just in time for the holidays! Join Cyberdating Expert Julie Spira along with DeAnna Lorraine for a very special edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show.
You’ll hear our best dating and relationship advice with tips for singles looking for love online during the holidays.
According to an article in the New York Post, singles would rather find a date as their number one choice during the holidays over a gift. From holiday gift giving, to last minute online dating profile tips, it’s time to ask us anything!
Call in at 646-929-0012 at 2pm/ET, 12 noon/PT or join in on the live interactive chat room at BlogTalkRadio.com/CyberDatingExpert and learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
How to Get Your Online Dating Profile Noticed
November 18, 2010
In my series of online dating advice videos on GenConnect.com, I tell singles not to cancel their Internet dating membership before trying some of these tips:
It’s important for women to realize that it’s okay to actually initiate contact with a man. I have a saying, don’t wait, initiate. I truly mean it because a man sometimes will be flattered when he sees your email in his inbox.
Log on in the morning and keep your account open all day. By the time you come home for dinner you might have quite a few emails there. You might be surprised.
Well, it’s no secret that men love to gravitate to the new fresh face. Log on to your profile, and just tweak a few sentences here and there. Or, if you’ve recently done something interesting, add it to your profile to have it raise up to the top of the list.
Singles need to look at online dating as an opportunity to expand your social and business network. So, I always say cast a very wide net. You just never know who you might meet, who could help you, or maybe you’ll just make a new friend along the way.
Cyber Dating Tip – Going from Online to Offline
August 26, 2010
This week’s Cyber Dating tip for successful online dating is quite simply, take your relationship from online to offline as soon as possible.
How soon you may ask? After sending a few emails, it’s best to move the relationship to the telephone. Find out if you have that same offline chemistry and you have online. Too often, I see singles falling in love from behind their computer screens. Sometimes, it’s with someone they believe is single and is available for a relationship, when in fact the complete opposite can be true. If during your phone conversation, you don’t feel comfortable, don’t feel obligated to set up a date on the calendar.
For more cyberdating tips and dating advice, Visit CyberDatingExpert.com
Signs You May be Dating a Cyber Player
August 23, 2010
You’ve signed up for an online dating site. Your inbox is full of interested singles trying to capture your attention. You put yourself out there and opened up your heart. How can you tell if he’s sincere or if he or she is a cyber player or serial dater?
In a recent article on Sympatico.ca Personals, I shared some of my insights, online dating tips, and red flags with Jenna Stone.
They’re the scourge of the dating scene, the stealth enemy of anyone seeking a long-term, committed relationship – The Players.
There you are, putting yourself out there, hoping to find someone with whom to spend your life, and there he/she is messing it all up. They make the apparent right gestures and tell you what you want to hear, all the while working the same schtick on someone else, or several someone elses.
And they’re not just lurking in the bars and clubs either. They’re online, sneaking around your favourite dating sites. How can you avoid…(insert dramatic B Movie monster music here)…THE CYBER PLAYER?
Julie Spira is a cyber dating expert, and author of the online book The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She offered some insight on how to keep the cyber serial dater at bay.
She says, “There are certainly a lot of them online. They become these little kids in a candy store because they can always find a pretty face. And they get five new e-mails in their inbox every day.” Spira is quick to point out that, while many people DO indeed commit, the web has “really created a feeding ground for people who can’t.”
Spira says there are two categories of online players. The first are people who are also offline players and it’s how they live their lives. “They see online dating as an extra way to feed their egos.” The other type, she says, are those who were shy and unlucky in love, but then tried online dating and “all of the sudden they go from being socially challenged to suddenly having all of these options.”
Sometimes, she adds, they don’t even meet anyone in person. “They just talk and chat. They get sort of addicted to it.”
So, that’s red flag #1. They keep putting off meeting you in real life. Seems obvious right? But a lot of people can’t read the clearest signs and wind up wasting a lot of time.
If someone won’t eventually come play outside, they might not be socially capable. They might even be hiding behind an entirely constructed persona.
Once you do meet them outside, Spira says that, oddly, they tend to come on strong and talk a lot about commitment. “When you go on a date with a cyber player, they will say things that are the complete opposite from what you’d expect. They say things like ‘I was married before and I want to be married again,’ ‘I’m looking for one woman to wake up with every morning.’ They say these types of things a little too much and you might find yourself raising an eyebrow.”
But then, right after they leave you, they’re back cruising the cyber singles scene.
“They go home and send you an e-mail that says ‘I had such an amazing date with you, there was so much chemistry. I can’t wait to see you again,’ and you see that they’ve already logged on at 12:30 in the morning after your date ended at eleven o’clock that night.” (Most dating sites allow you to see when a member is online)
Of course, it’s OK to spend as much time as you please cruising when you’re just dating. It’s when things are supposed to be getting serious that these become red flags.
Spira advises you err on the side of caution, keep your own profile up and continue to date other people. And, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, “Do not sleep with someone who is unwilling to pull down their profile.
“If you’re on a casual dating site and are advertising that you’re accepting that type of relationship, that’s one thing. But if you go on a site dedicated to serious relationships, like e-Harmony or JDate or Match.com, and you state on the profile that you are looking for a long term relationship and marriage, that’s another.”
It’s a common question: When is the appropriate time to take down the profile? There’s no right answer. But you need to be comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable with the other person’s profile remaining up, then it’s not unreasonable to address that.
Spira says, “I’ve seen it too many times where a woman says ‘I’ve been dating this guy for a year and he won’t pull down his profile.’ I say, ‘Well, you never really talked about that before your clothes wound up on the floor.”
The bottom line? Talk about it.
Once offline, if you find yourself falling for a player and want to try to get them to tame their wild ways, Spira suggests a few things that include,
1: Keeping busy. Don’t always be readily available and live a life that’s exciting and fun, and will continue to be so with or without them in it.
2. Setting a time limit. Make it clear you’ll only wait around for so long.
3. Giving instructions on how you want to communicate. If you want daily phone calls and flirty text messages, Spira says don’t be afraid to ask for them.
A lot of people do find themselves trying to catch the player, convinced they can make them change. It’s one option.
Remember, there’s always another option. You could just move on to someone else.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for Dating Advice
How to Scope Someone Out Online – PC World
June 28, 2010
In a recent interview with PC World, I was asked about online dating romances. Too often we have a false sense of illusion that we are in a relationship because of all of the online communications. This is where knowledge of online dating safety comes in.
“Keep in mind, you are communicating with someone you have never met before,” advises Julie Spira, author of the bestseller The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online .
“Take your relationship from online to offline as soon as possible to see if there is any chemistry,” Spira says.
Read the article by Hillary Rhodes on PC World for more tips on finding out if your online beau or beauty is worth investing in an airline ticket for.
