Cyber-Dating Expert

This scene may sound familiar. You meet a guy and have an instant connection. You start flirting back and forth and the next thing you know, you’re wondering, Are we in a relationship? Are the feelings mutual?

When Deb wrote to me with this familiar scenario after sending multiple flirty text messages to each the new man she had a crush on, she was concerned that things were moving too quickly. Was she becoming too attached?

Deb now wonders if her new guy is a player as he was also flirting with other women. She became anxious about the situation. Now her dream guy is sending her emails and text messages saying that he loves her. Even more confused, she called him out on his flirtatious behavior, of which he replied, “I get it.” Should she move forward with this guy? What should she do?

Well Deb, some people are born flirts. Instant chemistry is rare and when we find it, we automatically fast-forward our feelings and start thinking about our relationship, our future, marriage, children, the works. But slow down Deb. Why is this guy who’s texting you with love notes flirting with others in the same sentence as he uses the “L” word so freely. Just how many other women does he say that to? Is he waiting to hear it back to feed his ego or is he sincere?

A man who is committed to being in a relationship with you isn’t going to screw it up by making you jealous and putting himself in the position of being discarded, with his phone number permanently deleted on your iPhone and in your heart.

What should you do? Play the field. Yes. There’s no ring on your finger, and hopefully you haven’t been intimate yet. Don’t confuse love with lust. While your emotions and hormones are running at high speed, you don’t know his intentions other than he’s that instant chemistry guy, which can be dangerous. I know this first hand, as I wrote about it in my book The Perils of Cyber-Dating, when I too, had that instant chemistry with a guy I met. It turned out that he was a major player, and just like the Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, I’ll hum the line, “Players on love you when they’re playing.” It’s a game that can leave you feeling empty and alone.

My advice is simply, to take it slow. Date other men. Don’t sleep with this chemistry guy. Have fun flirting here and there, but don’t assume you’re in a relationship. Some relationships that start off hot-and-heavy, end just as quickly.

Hopefully your guy is different. Perhaps he’s just nervous. Texting can’t replace quality time in person. Take a look at my latest YourTango Experts video, where I address the texting issue in a relationship. Time will tell if your guy is for real and time is a precious gift.

Keep me posted.

Wishing you much love and happiness.

Julie

Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Send your dating and relationship questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact and sign up for our Weekly Flirt.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Follow her @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.  

When you’re in love and happy and have a facebook status of “In a Relationship,” you’re letting the world view your romantic life and share your joy.

When the relationship ends, you know it’s best to cut your digital ties, but will you?

It’s hard to resist taking a peek, but it’s not healthy if you want to move forward with your life.

In a recent article in the Toronto Sun, I was asked my dating advice and opinions on the creeping an ex syndrome. So without further digital adieu, I hope this article helps you move on, both online and offline. As usual, your comments and suggestions are always appreciated.

“I’m against creeping exes,” says Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. “There’s a reason he or she is your ex, so do what you can to move on. If you stare at their Facebook photos, it will be much harder to move on to a better and healthier relationship.”

Spira advises de-friending the ex on Facebook, untagging yourself from photos of the two of you together and unfollowing them on Twitter immediately.

“It’s just too tempting to take a digital peek,” Spira says.

But cutting your ex off from your social media circle doesn’t necessarily have to be a permanent measure.

Click here for the full article at the Toronto Sun

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and The Rules of Netiquette. Follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and Facebook.com/RulesofNetiquette

Should you accept all facebook friends requests?

In our Ask the expert series on Your Tango, I was asked, “Should I accept a friends request from my husband’s friends?” Just what are the rules of netiquette on Facebook?

Watch our video with my tips on how to handle a delicate digital situation.

For more dating and netiquette advice, like us at Facebook.com/rulesofnetiquette and Facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert and follow Julie Spira on Twitter @JulieSpira

We’re jumping for joy at Cyber-Dating Expert Headquarters as we celebrate our IRRESISTIBLE anniversary all weekend long.

It’s been 3-years since we launched CyberDatingExpert.com as a site to help singles while dating in a Web 2.0 World. We’d like to thank you for helping us remain the #1 online dating expert site!

In honor of our birthday, we’d like to give you a gift to help you with your love life.

From Friday, October 14th through Sunday, October 16th, we will be giving our readers a free .pdf copy of our bestselling online dating book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Click here to reserve your copy.

In addition, we’ll be answering your dating questions for FREE all weekend long. So do take a moment and join in on the fun. If you have a dating dilemma, let us know!

Now for a few bragging rights and in case you missed some of our highlights, we’re sharing our year-in-review for you.

  Best Dating Blog Finalist

You voted for us for the best dating blog in the world and we became a finalist. Yes, there were thousands of votes and the competition was steep. CyberDatingExpert.com was a finalist in the 2011 Readers’ Choice Awards from About.com, a New York Times company. It’s with heartfelt thanks that we acknowledge your support.

In the News

From tips on using digital coupons on a date, online dating safety, breaking up in a facebook world, and our latest article on CNN, which was shared over 450 times on facebook, we were featured in many articles and programs about dating in a web 2.0 world. Our dating advice reached millions on multiple continents!  Most of our media can be found in our press room. Here’s a sample of media outlets we’re so proud of being a part of this past year.

ABC TV, Ai inSite, Always New You, BBC, Bad Online Dates, Business 2 Community, CBS News, CNN, College Times, Columbia News Service, Cupid’s Pulse, Daily Buzz, Daily Kansan, Date Night Magazine, Dating Marketplace, Elle magazine, Examiner, Fabulous Living, Fast Company, First Wives World, Forbes, Forces PenPals, GalTime, GenConnect, Heartbeat Radio, Her Campus, Huffington Post, In York, JDate, John Tesh, KCSF, KFI Radio, KFWB Radio, KPSP-TV, KZSB Radio, Love to Know, Mancow Radio Show, MarketWatch, Match.com, Men’s Health, MSN Glo, NBC TV, North by Northwestern magazine, Pink Kisses,  Pittsburgh Better Times, Planet Love Match, Power Connection show, Psychology Today, Redbook magazine, Romance Files, Safer Dates, She Knows, Single Edition radio, Single Minded Women, Singular City, The Joe Show, The Kilgore News Herald, The Look TV, The Sydney Morning Herald, The Times Herald, The Toronto Sun, TodayShow.com, Top 10 Blog, Uniquely You magazine, Wall Street Journal, WCHE Radio, WHK Cleveland, WLW Radio, Woman’s Day, Women’s eNews, Yahoo! Shine, and YourTango

In Real Life

I had the opportunity to meet many of you when I was a speaker at the Internet Dating Conference in Miami, 140 Conference in LA, West Hollywood Book Fair, as well as seeing you at BlogWorld, where I’ll be speaking about the Rules of Netiquette at 1:45pm on Friday, November 4th this year in Los Angeles.

Videos

During the past year, YourTango came to my home to shoot several dating advice videos for their Ask the Expert and He Said/She Said series. I was joined by colleagues Charles J. Orlando and Adam Sheck for the guys point of view. In case you missed them, here’s a list of videos for your viewing pleasure.

• Cell Phone Netiquette: Help My Boyfriend Won’t Put His Cellphone Away
• Should You Google a First Date?
• Can a Couple Get Past Infidelity?
• Should a Woman Propose to a Man?
• When Should You Change Your Facebook Relationship Status?
• Should You Kiss on the First Date?

Online Dating Minute Videos

Our Online Dating Minute featured social dating site Jazzed, which you can now see on the dating TV show Excused, as well as Match.com’s study about the relationship between dating and money, and more.

Top 10 Mobile Dating Apps

Back by popular demand and in conjunction with Social Media Week, we announced the Cyber Dating Expert Top 10 Mobile Dating Apps for 2011. According to Comscore, over 14 million people worldwide are now using mobile dating apps. They are now more popular than web dating on your computer. Why wait until you get home? It’s time to start dating on your cell phone. We included the super eHarmony iPad App, which ranked high on our list for iPad. View our post to see all the features of our favorites this year.

Online Dating Safety

We tackled a subject that breaks my digital heart, online dating safety. I was interviewed by ABC News, KESQ-TV, KPSP-TV, Online Dating Awareness, Sympatico.ca,  The Sudbury Star, and Your Tango.

 Your Online Dating Stories

We thank you for submitting your online dating stories for consideration in the Cyber Love Story of the Week and the Peril of the Week. Thank you for sharing your stories.

Irresistible Profiles

We’ve enjoyed working with singles looking for love online and have created irresistible profiles all year long. Contact us if you’d like to find the man or woman of your dreams!

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for another amazing year of support. If you get a moment, do like us on Facebook and follow me on Twitter @JulieSpira. 

Is he paying more attention to his mobile phone than you on a date? Watch my latest “Ask the Expert” video for advice on Dating in a Web 2.0 World.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

Your source of online dating and relationships advice for singles looking for love online.

There’s no doubt about it, that online dating allows you to cast a very wide net. You can easily change your zip code to a new city when you’re traveling to meet single men or women to find love online in another city. (Yes, I’ve done this myself).

If you’ve just moved and are the new face in town, chances are you don’t have a social network to rely on. This is where Internet dating can become your best digital friend.

Take for example, our Cyber Love Story couple, Sophie and Greg who met on JDate. Sophie was from Paris. Greg resided in Los Angeles. After 5-months of corresponding online, the two met. They had a whirlwind romance and were married in eight months. Sophie happily relocated to Los Angeles.

On Catholic Match, success couple John and Krystina didn’t let distance get in the way. John had just relocated to Michigan. He had hoped to meet someone close to home, but fell in love with Krystina, who resided in Massachusetts. Eighteen months later, the couple became engaged.

Recently, I was interviewed for an article on Match.com for dating advice magazine, Happen. In the article, Love: Make Your Move on how to find love online and offline when you move to a new city, I provided some tips for those who are willing to widen their search or have just relocated to a new city.

Online Dating Profile Makeover tips

“You should overhaul your online dating profile every few months. This is especially the case when you’re moving to a new city. Add some recent photos and start your ‘About Me’ section with something like, “I’ve just relocated from Chicago and am new in town.”

Offline Dating Strategy

Don’t forget your off-line strategies, says Julie Spira (www.cyberdatingexpert.com), a Los Angeles author, blogger and public speaker. “Introduce yourself to your neighbors and let them know that you’re single,” she suggests. “Find clubs and activities that match your interests and join them.”

Would you move for love? Are you presently in a long-distance relationship with someone you met online?

Your comments are welcome and if you get a moment, follow me on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/JulieSpira 

Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and coach. She creates irresistible online dating profiles for singles on the dating scene and is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and to share your online dating stories.

Dear Julie,

Hi there. I wanted to run something by you.  I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy for a few years now, and I’m looking for at least a hint of commitment from him.  On the surface, it appears that we have everything together — both well educated, accomplished individuals who have lots of friends and strong family ties.  But, there have been a series of red flags that lead me to believe that this is just a relationship of convenience for him.  It was my birthday last week and he completely forgot and actually went out with his guy friends that night   I know, not so good huh??  Worse yet, when I told him about it a few days later when he was at my apartment, he gave the most insensitive remark of all time: “well, there’s always next year.”  I was taken aback to say the least.

Once I regained my bearings, I took two steps forward and delivered a stinging slap to his face for that remark.  His response (as he’s standing there holding his jaw) “Well how about dinner tonight?” Strike two. I pointed to the door and he got the message loud and clear. I’ve given him the silent treatment over the past week. What would you do?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your email and for reaching out for advice.

I have to wonder, why would you want a commitment for someone who doesn’t make you a priority in his life?

When you know for sure there are red flags, you should write them down. Ask yourself if you’d want your best friend to be in a relationship like this, or would you encourage her to find someone who has her on a pedestal.

A birthday to a woman is like Valentine’s Day. All men know that. To disappoint you on a day like that is very hurtful. He made it clear by forgetting that you’re lower on the totem pole than his friends are. Sure you may both be well educated and have great times together, but if you’re asking if you’re a convenience after a few years, the answer is pretty clear that it’s yes.

Rather than giving him the silent treatment, it’s time to regain your power. Tell him you’d like to take a break and start dating others. Consider joining an online dating site and fill your calendar with interesting people to meet. You’ll be expanding your social circles and may even find someone who will treat you the way you truly deserve to be treated. You’re not giving him an ultimatum, which men dislike. You’re just taking action with your love life and regaining your power.

If he comes running back to you, think about creating a list of deal-breakers that you can’t live with and discuss them with you. Either he steps up to the plate and won’t want to lose you, or you’ll be free to meet someone who will cherish you.

Keep me posted on your progress. Let me know if you need my help in creating your irresistible online dating profile.

All my best,

Julie

Have a dating question? Interested in relationship advice? Send us your questions and follow Julie on Twitter and Facebook for more dating advice.

Should you Google a date before you meet?

It’s an exciting feeling getting ready for a first date. You can’t wait to learn everything about them,  so why not check him or her out on Google? On this episode of Ask the Expert, I was asked the following question:

Dear Julie,

Should I tell my new boyfriend that I Googled him before we met? I know a little bit more about him that I probably should and I don’t want to get caught lying to him later on. What should I do?

Watch my video answer on YourTango and feel free to chime in with your comments.

For more dating advice, visit me on Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and YourTango.com/experts/datingexpert

Lately, I’ve been questioning whether singles who are members of online dating sites really want to meet someone and create a real relationship that goes from online to offline, or just spend time hanging out in cyberspace.  It appears that many daters are suffering from a relationship syndrome called ODF, the acronym for online dating fatigue. It can also be defined as IDF, Internet dating fatigue.

While I might sound like eHarmony’s founder Neil Clark Warren, who wrote an article on Huffington Post, On Second Thought, Don’t Get Married, where I’m telling online daters that they might need to take a break as well, there’s some truth to ODF.  In Warren’s article,  he questioned whether marriage has become obsolete. The article is still being talked about and was shared by over 4000 people on Facebook and Twitter and “liked” by over 13,000 people. Something to ponder.

As an online dating expert and coach, I’m not suggesting you should abandon online dating completely, but instead consider taking a break and return refreshed, along with a new set of rules and digital tools that might increase your chances of success. Just as athletes get muscle fatigue, daters do get online dating fatigue.

In my coaching practice, I meet singles and divorcee’s who are already fed up with the process.  There are several reasons why I believe they’re suffering from ODF, and am here to provide some suggestions and online dating tips that just might wake you up from the exhausting process.

1. You’re tired of logging on and coming up empty handed.

You go to the gym three times a week, meet your friends for drinks twice a week, and spend an hour a day logging on to your online dating account to view photos of eligible singles. You hand pick 10 men or women to write to and take the time to personalize the subject line.  The result is, no one ever writes back.  You don’t know why they weren’t interested, wondered if they had an inactive profile where they couldn’t read your email, or were testing the waters with a few others and would consider you for the future. You diligently send emails more often-than-not, and still wake up to an empty inbox. It’s discouraging, I know. You feel like it’s a chore.

 2. You’re tired of trying to create interesting introduction emails.

You know you’re smart, witty, and have that great sense of humor everyone advertises that they’re looking for.  Yet, you find it hard to write an introduction email that will be catchy and stand out. You didn’t grow up wanting to be a copywriter, so your personality doesn’t shine. As a result, you spend less time logging on.  Finding a date or a mate goes down a notch or two on the totem pole. You’ve worked hard all day at work. You really don’t want to work that hard when you get home. The end result is, you lose interest. You’re suffering from ODF.

Take for example *Mike (name changed), who has been sending the same 770 word count email about himself for four years to women promising a lifetime of happiness. He wrote a novel with over 50 sentences to introduce himself.

Chances are Mike never reads the profiles of the pretty faces he views. He diligently copies the same email daily and sends it cold to women with a shotgun approach. His subject line is empty and says, (none). Sure online dating is a numbers game, but if you aren’t an educated player, your email may end up deleted by the third sentence. I finally had to tell him, “Copy + paste = erase” and suggested that he leave the novel at home. He didn’t appreciate my constructive criticism and is still single to this day.

3. You’re too picky.

If anyone has ever suggested that you might be too picky, chances are, they’re right. Your list may be so long on your profile, that it discourages would-be suitors to find someone more easy-going. If your search parameters are too narrow, it’s rare that you’ll find a compatible partner, online or offline.

Take *Janie for example. She’s a vivacious woman with a lot to offer a man. She has a successful career, beautiful home, loves to cook, and really wanted to fall in love. She came to me as a last resort, having been single for a decade. I looked at her profile and her search requirements were so limiting. She only wanted to meet a man who lived within a five-mile radius of where she resided. Her age parameters only spanned five years. It was an impossible task with unrealistic expectations. She didn’t realize it, but she was too picky. We broadened her search to 40 miles and expanded her age range to 12-years, 6 older and 6 younger than herself. She’s now dating someone age-appropriate who lives a town away. Are you too picky?  If so, it’s time to cast a wider net.

4. You’re unavailable.

You wouldn’t send a resume looking for your dream job without an email and phone contact for the recruiter to call you for the job interview, so you shouldn’t be so difficult to reach to set up a date.

Take *Bill, a handsome and successful man as an example. He always makes a good first impression in his introductory emails. He sends the women his phone number along with a message telling them that he’s only available to speak at 12pm and 9pm.  Most people have busy lives, both personally and professionally.  So if a woman called Bill outside of those two limited time slots, they’d not only get his voicemail, but he also had “call intercept” on his line requesting that you announce yourself before he’d pick up the call. Pre-screening your date’s inbound phone call is a netiquette no-no. Of course most of the women hung up. Bill’s still single. A little more flexibility and removing call intercept on his phone to make time for love might help with his search. If you want to get on his or her date card, you need to move the process along from the initial email and find the time to put a real date on the calendar.

5. You’ve gone on too many first dates.

You’ve managed to pass the dating filters, sent a few emails and text messages back-and-forth, and the first phone call went well. You dined at a restaurant that you hoped might impress him or her. The process took about two weeks, but it seems you never graduate to a second date. While the reasons may vary, most include:

• He or she didn’t look like their photo
• There was no chemistry
• He or she never called again
• He or she didn’t respond to your text or email message

You thought the first date went well. They laughed at your jokes and said they’d like to see you again.  You spent precious resources of time and money on the dating process with no return on your investment.

Yes, dating can be expensive, but you don’t need to dine at the Four Seasons to impress someone. These days, it’s not unhip to use a deal-of-the-day coupon or Groupon for a dating idea, providing you’re not only asking for two-for-one yogurt at $4.99. The result is, you’re wallet is now thin and you still find yourself alone on date night. You get frustrated with the process and end up with ODF.

If any of these five scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Online dating fatigue is very real. Sometimes you need to take a break, other times you need to fine tune your profile or change your parameters and habits. At the end of the digital day, there are over 120 million singles in the world looking for love online. Not everyone suffers from online dating fatigue.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert, social media strategist and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Connect with Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert