One of the most common questions we receive for our “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” column is what to do when you find your boyfriend on Tinder or other mobile dating apps.
Here’s Ashley’s dilemma.
I have a huge relationship dilemma that is currently happening as I type this.
I have been together with my man for just over a year now. ( we don’t have the “title”)
I am 19 almost 20 and he is 23 turning 24. We have a dog together and he basically lives with me, just sleeps at home when he works nights. He cares a lot and is always here for me, but this is why I need advice.
My friend from my home town, which is an hour away from where I live, now sent me a message with a photo of him on Tinder. This has happened before but he was really good at lying about it not being him, I was just too blind.
I had to create a fake account and see for myself and within 5 swipes I swiped yes to him. Later on tonight he came on and matched with me and sent a message. I froze. I responded and started having a conversation and it still continues.
He has no idea it’s me obviously nor does he even know I know he’s on there. I am very attached to him and he treats me well. We laugh and get along , but we do argue sometimes. I am very confused because I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him going behind my back and doing this.
I have no idea what to do or even how to bring this up to him. I really need some advise on what I should do in this situation.
You are one of many who asks this very same question.
First of all, you can’t control him going behind your back and going on Tinder to flirt with other girls. We don’t know if he’s meeting anyone, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted on Tinder. Do you really think you can trust him?
He also hasn’t defined the relationship and given you the important label of girlfriend.
For him, it’s a relationship of convenience. For you, you’re hoping it’s more, but with his Tinder activity, it isn’t. At your age, you have plenty of options to meet men who will be crazy about you.
If he’s dating or flirting with others, you should as well. When it gets to the point that you have to create a fake profile to “catch” him on Tinder, the situation isn’t good. There’s no trust, and if you tell him you did that, it will get worse.
I haven’t met you or him, but my recommendation in cases like these (and I see it happen all the time) is to let him know that he means a lot to you, but it’s clear that you’re not looking for the same type of relationship.
Let him know you’d like to be a girlfriend in an exclusive relationship that has a future. He will either step up to the plate, or disappoint you, which gives you the freedom to find someone who will cherish you.
It’s time to have the convo, so you can find a relationship without being in a love triangle with Tinder.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.
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In this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a female reader is uncomfortable with the text messages her boyfriend is sending and receiving from another woman. What would you do? Read our answer here.
My boyfriend of over a year texts a woman who lives in a different state constantly. She has feelings for him. I told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable. But he tells me that I’m insecure and that they work together.
Thanks for your message and I’m so sorry to hear about this painful experience you’re going through with your boyfriend.
That would make any girl uncomfortable. If you’ve been together for over a year, I’m assuming you’re in a committed relationship.
Texting or chatting with a woman on social media when it makes you uncomfortable is a form of emotional cheating. He’s giving you reasons to feel insecure, even though she lives in another state. He may be getting a dopamine boost, or at least an ego boost every time he hears the chirp text message from her.
If he said, “gee I’m sorry. I’ll stop doing that because I don’t want to hurt you,” I’d be happy to hear that.
Instead he wants to keep flirting with his digital girlfriend, who perhaps doesn’t even know you exist. I get it that it’s a great ego boost for him and it seems new and shiny to him, unattainable, and a bit of a fantasy relationship since she doesn’t live in town.
Here’s what I think you should do. Explain to him that you believe this texting is a form of emotional cheating and ask him why he feels the need to text her. Start sending him flirty texts so that need is fulfilled by you and perhaps he won’t feel the desire to text her. Then ask him to put the brakes on it and stop texting her out of respect for you. Ask him if he will let her know he’s involved with you and that he wants to focus his energies on your relationship.
Know that every man likes to look at women who are attractive and that’s normal. Creating this emotional bond over texts is crossing the line. He can’t have his girlfriend (you) and this girl on the side on his keyboard and lead her on. She probably doesn’t even know about you! Even if he isn’t interested in her romantically, if she made it clear she has feelings for him, this has potential to grow and could be harmful to your relationship.
Instead of demanding to see his phone to see the texts, just ask him if he will stop. If he won’t, ask him why this is important to him and find out what’s missing from your relationship so you can spice it up. Texts can lead to sexts and it’s damaging to a relationship. It can also become addictive.
Have a heart to heart talk with your guy before you call it quits, but if he won’t put your relationship at the top and stop these text exchanges with a woman who claims to have feelings for him, it may be time to call it quits.
We’re here to help you, so if you need dating coaching advice, check out our Irresistible Coaching programs.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo
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In this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a single woman is feeling anxious because the guy she’s dating hasn’t asked her out yet for Valentine’s Day. Here’s her question and our answer.
I met this great guy online and we’ve gone out on five dates since the New Year. I really like him and we haven’t discussed dating exclusively yet, but I’ve seen him the past two Saturday nights, so I really think I’m becoming his girlfriend.
Should I be worried that he didn’t ask me out yet for Valentine’s Day? It’s next week, so what is he waiting for? Would it be wrong of me to bring it up first? Maybe he was focused on football, but that game is over and I really want to spend Valentine’s with him.
What should I say or do?
First of all, congratulations on meeting a great guy online. January is one of the busiest months for online dating and lots of singles are joining dating sites as part of their New Year’s resolutions list.
You didn’t mention if both of you still have ACTIVE dating profiles up or not. I have a feeling you probably do, as if you haven’t had the talk about exclusivity or Valentine’s, he might assume you’re dating other people and he might be doing the same.
Believe it or not, most guys don’t like Valentine’s Day. They think it’s overrated, expensive, and would rather stay home and watch TV. However the romantic and smart ones will know that if they don’t ask you out on the biggest romance day of the week, they’ll be in the dog house and might not get a chance to continue dating you after the 14th. Is this harsh? I think it’s more a matter of tradition.
So if you have a dating profile that’s still online and you’d like to see this guy exclusively and hopefully for Valentine’s Day, I urge you NOT to log on. He and his friends don’t need to see that you’re busy scouring the Internet for potential dates. How would you feel after a great date with this new guy, if you noticed that he went online right away? Probably not great.
So my best advice is, if you don’t want to date others and really like this guy, then don’t. Take your profile down if you like, but don’t let him know that you did this. You should do it for yourself, not because you think he has to do the same. He’ll probably notice it, but a man needs to make the decision to be exclusive based on how he feels when he’s with you. If your dates are fun and light and you’re a joy to be around, he’ll notice those red candy boxes everywhere and will probably want to do something with you for Valentine’s Day.
Towards the end of this week, let him know that you really are traditional and love sharing Valentine’s Day with the person you’re dating. Stop and LISTEN to what he says. If he starts to pull back or changes the subject, it might mean he has made other plans. The best thing you could do is not get upset with him. If he asks you out for the 13th or the 15th, reply with, “Oh, I was hoping I’d be your Valentine.”
You’ve only gone out on five dates and that’s a lot of pressure to put on a guy when a relationship is so new. Buy him a cute card, or better yet, there are so many fun cards on JibJab, the animated card site, so send him a humorous card; not something that says, “I love you,” and see how he responds.
The bottom line is, he knows it’s Valentine’s Day, but might not know how special that day is for you. Rather than having him spend a lot of money on a fancy restaurant, why not suggest collaborating on an in-room-dining experience, where each one of you brings or makes a different dish. It’s a great way to bond in a relationship without all of the pressure.
Do you have a question for Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert?
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been named the Best Dating Coach of the Year in the 2017 iDate Awards and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more dating advice, FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and facebook. SIGN up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter.
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Recently I met this girl and she gave me her number.
We started texting and calling each other. Then I called her one day and we talked for about 30 minutes, so I thought everything was great.
One day later I sent her a text and she didn’t write back (one day has passed since I texted her).
My question is should I text her back again or should I just forget her?
Dear Texting Guy,
To text, or not to text. That is always a big question we get from our readers who anxiously wait by their phone counting the digital minutes and seconds waiting for the chime sound of a text reply.
Take a deep breath. It’s only been one day since you sent a text that didn’t result in a reply from your new digital crush. While texting etiquette, or our Rules of Netiquettestate that you should reply within 24-hours to a text and most daters think any text that isn’t responded to in four hours means someone isn’t interested, often there are other circumstances which prevent a text reply right away.
You see, lots of things can happen when you send a text. Here are a few reasons why she might not have written back.
1. Her battery ran out.
2. Her phone was turned off.
3. She was on an airplane or in a bad cell reception area.
4. She was at a movie or out with friends and decided she’d get back to you later and just forgot.
5. She’s playing hard to get.
6. She’s not interested in you romantically.
7. She’s got a boyfriend.
Of all of these scenarios, you can look at the first few and realize she was just busy and try texting her again. If she’s involved with someone, you’ll probably find out soon enough.
The point is, we can value ourselves based on a text message that wasn’t returned. What you can do is send a short, flirty, and fun text a day or two later saying, “Hey.. How’s your day going?” This low pressure text message which asks a question might result in her getting back to you and your banter can continue.
What I don’t want to see you do is text her 4, 5, 6, 7 times in one day, because as a guy, it’s your job to make her feel safe to be around you. If you continue to text her without a reply over-and-over again, she might block you or think you’re overanxious, or worse yet, may even think you’re a stalker.
Don’t be that guy, because every woman wants to be with a confident guy. We don’t like game playing when it comes to text messages, and genuinely love to hear from you, so stay on the digital radar. You can take it one step further and actually call her if you have something fun to invite her to.
Do you have questions about your digital love life or need dating advice? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twiter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
I met this guy online before the holidays and he seemed interested in me.
The conversation pleasant enough, but I’m a little creeped out about his recent message.
In this most recent one, he asked me, Have you been single long? What kind of men are you typically interested in?” He also never put up a photo of himself.
I’ve been single for longer than I really want to mention and I don’t really have a type, but I don’t want anyone super unattractive or unhealthy.
What do you think I should do?
It’s great that you’re communicating with someone online.
When a guy posts a profile without a photo, he doesn’t really have all ten toes in.
While you’re concerned about how to respond to him, you actually don’t need to respond to him at all.
The questions he’s asked of you are generic questions. Sometimes guys just don’t know what to ask and are trying their best to open a digital dialog.
You don’t have to say how long you’ve been single to someone you’ve never met. It doesn’t matter if it’s been 3 months or 3 years. He’s single, you’re single and you’re both on a dating site.
If you feel uncomfortable, just don’t reply. If you’re still interested in getting to know him, ask him if he can post his photos so you can see who you are chatting with.
If he isn’t willing to do so, he just isn’t date ready. There are plenty of guys who are genuine and will post recent photos. Take your time and put your energies into a relationship that has the potential of turning into a pleasant date.
Keep us posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie’s dating advice has appeared on eHarmony, JDate, Match.com, Zoosk, and on her columns on DatingAdvice.com, Examiner, and Huffington Post. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt, and like her at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Listen to the holiday edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio show with dating experts Julie Spira and DeAnna Lorriane.
Julie and DeAnna talked about everything you need to know to find love during the holidays.
Holiday Parties: We suggested you have at least 2-3 dates before extending the invite. Cast a wide net and accept every invitation.
Holiday Gift Giving: Keep it simple. Don’t overwhelm someone you haven’t known for very long with an expensive piece of jewelry. A card, candy or flowers will make a nice impression.
Hanukkah Dating: Julie discussed her 8 Fun and Flirty Ways to Celebrate Hanukkah, including going on 8 dates a week, guilt them with gelt, the chocolate candy which is known to be an aphrodisiac, and nibbling on hot red latkes (potato pancakes).
Be Safe, Both Online and Offline: Make sure you meet your date in a public place, let a friend or buddy know where you are going, and don’t give out financial information
Be Organized: Don’t confuse Jenny with Jill or Richard with Ron. Both Julie and DeAnna recommend using an excel spreadsheet to keep your dates straight and watch your progress.
Remember, first impressions do matter. Listen to the show for all of our best dating advice for the holiday season. Make sure you have a terrific online dating profile and treat your quest to find love online no less than your search for your dream job.
Join Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira on November 6, 2010, as she welcomes back Tasha Cunningham to Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio Show.
Tasha is the founder of Don’t Date Him Girl, a site with dating advice and where you can post details of the guys you need to warn other girls about.
She wrote her book to help single women bounce back from a bad breakup with tips and advice on how to be more confident in the dating world.
Call in at 646-929-0012 at 2pm/ET, 12 noon/PT or join in on the live interactive chat room at BlogTalkRadio.com/CyberDatingExpert and learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
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On Saturday, September 25, 2010 join Julie Spira as she welcomes Julie Ferman, Founder and President of Cupid?s Coach to Ask the?Cyber Dating Expert Radio Show.
Julie Ferman, named Matchmaker of the Year at the Internet Dating Conference, will share her dating tips and advice for singles looking for love online. ?She also recently appeared on NBC?s new dating show, ?The Match Off.”
Call in at 646-929-0012 at 2pm/ET, 12 noon/CT, 10am/PT with your questions and to learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
Listen to Cyberdating Expert
Listen to Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show, where my guest Tina B. Tessina, known as Dr. Romance and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again, provided her dating advice and relationship tips for those who are newly single.
You’ll hear some of our best tips including:
♥ When and how to introduce your children to your date
♥ How to spot a player and why he’s so tempting
♥ How to find happily ever after, safely on your favorite online site.
We talked about our favorite dating tips to help you find love on the Internet. Listen to the program to learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
Join me on Saturday, July 10, 2010 as I welcome Tina Tessina, Ph.D, author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again
to Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show.
Tina has appeared on Oprah, Larry King Live as well as being quoted in Cosmopolitan, Time, and?Newsweek with her dating and relationship advice.
Call in at 2pm/ET, 12pm/CT, 11am/PT at 646-929-0012 with your questions and to learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
Listen to Cyber-dating Expert