In this week’s “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert,” a reader who’s in a 6-month relationship is frustrated that her steady boyfriend still wants to keep an active online dating profile up. Should she tell him to take it down? Is she really in an exclusive relationship? Does this relationship have a chance?
Here’s her question.
I’ve been seeing this person for around 6-months now. When we first started interacting I was informed he was on a dating website.
In my mind, it sounds like a hook-up or one-night stand type of site. I was fine with that because we had just met and I admired his honesty. Well now, we’ve been discussing being together long-term and moving the relationship forward from just seeing each other to more of a commitment, which is good.
The only issue is he still feels the need to stay online! His excuse is, “I’m an attention seeker and maybe I have a problem. And if ‘you’ want me to stop I will.”
Julie, I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over three years and that’s by my choice. I haven’t stumbled upon anyone I could genuinely be happy with. This one though is different. I was thinking I truly made him happy and he did the same for me. Apparently, I don’t think that’s the case. And what I’m not going to do is tell him I want him to be off the site and then months or weeks later find that he’s hiding his profile. I believe happiness should flow. Am I overreacting? What should I do?
6-Months and waiting.
I’m sorry you’re going through this kind of pain and I can assure you, that you’re not alone with your concerns.
I can guarantee you that if you feel this way after six months of being in a “committed” relationship, that you will feel even worse after the next six months on your one-year anniversary together. Can you imagine yourself loving your guy, talking about the future, moving in together, and then while he’s sleeping checking to see if he has a hidden dating profile on the site? Do you really want to enlist the help of your friends to spy on him? Do you really want to be with an insecure man who has the need to be loved by other women when he’s falling asleep in your arms every night? This, my friend is heavy drama and isn’t love.
When a man truly loves a woman and wants to call her his own, he plans a future, will let her know he’s exclusive, will take his online dating profile down, and permanently retire his Tinder app in a digital second. He won’t let another man will steal his girl away from him.
I have a problem with ultimatums in relationships, but I do believe that honesty and communication are everything. Kudos to your guy in being honest and admitting he has a profile up. Chances are his need for attention goes deeper than his love for you and probably goes back years-and-years before he ever met you. If you love him, ask him to go to counseling for this and offer to go with him as a couple. This way you both are investing in your future.
I’m not one to toss a 6-month relationship away, but no person should be made to feel like they are an option when they are talking about the future with someone they love. Let him know he makes you happy and that having an active dating profile up makes you uncomfortable. Ask him how he’d feel if you had a profile up as well and LISTEN more than talk.
If he agrees to take the profile down and work out these issues together, you could have a chance of happiness. If you believe he’s fooling around on the side and actually have proof, send him packing, put your own profile up and block him so you can move on.
You’ll know pretty quickly if you’re the one, or just the one for now.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Do you have a dating dilemma? Send your questions to “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” here.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating, having created her first profile over 20 years ago. Today, Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
When there’s mutual chemistry with someone you’ve met online and you start texting daily, are you in a relationship just yet? A young woman asks the Cyber-Dating Expert for help on what to do when she sees his active profile online.
I signed up for eHarmony as a one month experiment and wasn’t sure what to expect. I got lucky and the first guy I met I felt instant chemistry with and he felt the same way!
We went on a second date the following week and also had a great time. We both work a lot so it was hard to schedule our third date before I left for an out-of-town trip, but he has been texting me everyday since I’ve been gone and today even sent me a message that he is kind of missing me : ) I have been missing him, which seems so weird for someone I have only hung out with twice, and my reply was that : You just made me smile.
I’ve been busy traveling and was trying to be focused on one person rather than adding 2-3 more guys to the mix.
My membership renewed automatically for a second month, but I hadn’t logged on since I met this wonderful guy. Today, I logged on after receiving a renewal notice only to see that he had been ‘active’ today on the site. I’m not sure what that means, but my stomach dropped. We aren’t exclusive, he isn’t my boyfriend, but it bothers me. Is this normal? Do I just let the chips fall as they may?
He texted me again this morning and last night but I am totally freaked out now and want to protect myself from getting hurt.
Take a deep breath.
Your new guy who you had just two dates with is a member of a dating site and is receiving matches and emails from women who have written to him or would like to start the communication process. Out of curiosity, he’s probably reading them and may not be responding to them, especially since he’s now texting you at night and in the morning, and perhaps other times throughout the day.
You’ve had two dates with your dream guy. You have a major crush on each other. This is very exciting, but it was only your first online date. Enjoy staying in touch with your guy and respond to his text messages while you’re out of town. You’re definitely on his mind and men tend to miss women when they’re gone. I know of a man who logged onto his profile after six months of dating someone exclusively. He took one last peek and one week later, he proposed marriage.
Men are allowed to look at other women, online and offline. At some point, if you decide to become exclusive, you should talk about taking your profiles down together. Let’s get to the third date and see how it goes. This is a brand new dating experience for you, and as you said, he’s not your boyfriend yet.
Let him take the lead and yes, let’s see where the chips may fall. Don’t cancel your online dating membership just yet, but if in your heart you don’t want to log on, then just stay the busy happy person that you are.
Do you have a question for Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
After my divorce three years ago, one of my single friends suggested I try online dating. I wasn’t sure if it was for me, but now my ego is invested and I’m going on at least five dates a week. When the dates are over, I log back on to see who else I can meet.
While I’m excited to meet so many different people, I never can get to the point of wanting to be with just one guy. I’m not sleeping with anyone, but my friends think I’ve got commitment issues and the thought of taking down my profile makes me anxious.
Then when I see a guy I’ve dated has met someone else and moved on, I feel bad.
Is this normal?
Online Dating Addict
Joining an online dating site after a divorce is a great way to rebuild your self-esteem. Sure the ego is being stroked with so many men writing to you and watching your inbox fill up with male suitors. There?s no magic timetable of how long you should play the digital field, but at some point, being a permanent member of an online dating site can be demoralizing.
Decide exactly what you’re looking for and make sure you’re upfront about it both on your profile and during your dates. Let men know that you’re newly single and will be casually dating multiple guys for a while. At some point, you need to decide if you really want to be in a relationship or not. Becoming one who needs to log on for hours a day every day without ever finding a relationship doesn’t mean you’re an online dating addict. It just means you’re enjoying meeting many different types of people online that you wouldn’t have had the chance to meet offline.
If it’s truly your goal to find one special person to share your life with, when you find chemistry and mutual interests with someone, you need to give the guy the chance to be your one and only to see what it’s like to be in a relationship. Yes, that means taking down your profile. If it doesn’t work out, then just reactivate your profile and keep searching.
When you’re ready to go steady, you’ll know it. Until then, enjoy meeting a variety of people. I always say there are 64 colors in the Crayola crayon box. I feel the same way about online dating. It’s not an addiction unless you feel it’s a problem. Don’t let your friends comments influence how you feel about dating after a divorce.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Do you have a question for Cyber-Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send your questions here and read other Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert columns for online dating advice.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.
Dear Cyber-Dating Expert,
My new profile is starting to get more attention and I’m excited about it, but I’m confused about phone etiquette.
What should I do when a guy I meet online asks me for my phone number?
I’m a bit squeamish about giving my number out to someone I haven’t met. One guy, who seems nice, has asked for it so we can talk this weekend.
Another guy just gave me his number. Do I have to reciprocate and give him mine as well, or should I just let him know that I’ll call.
As a woman, I can understand why you’d like to keep your phone number private from someone you haven’t met.
There’s no reason to give out your phone number so quickly. I always recommend signing up for a free Google Voice phone number for dating. It’s simple to do. Just go to Google.com/voice. You will be assigned a phone number that isn’t associated to your name in any phone directory. You can have the calls forwarded to your cell phone.
This way if anyone who bothers you keeps calling, you can block their number or have the option to change it to another Google Voice number for dating.
Having a Google Voice number protects your identity and should solve the problem.
Phone number exchanges are really very personal. Some women prefer to give out their number so the men can call them. Others like to take control and do the dialing.
My suggestion is to ask the man for his number and what times are convenient for him to talk. If he doesn’t answer when you call, leave a message and say you’ll call back later.
As far as reciprocating, you don’t have to give out your phone number when a man provides his. See how the conversation goes and if you’re comfortable, then yes, give him your CELL number. He doesn’t have to know it’s really a Google voice number. It’s your secret for now.
If someone asks for your number, let them know you’d be happy to call him and ask for his number.
If all goes well on your date, you’ll be happy to exchange numbers with the man who you’d like to add to your date calendar.
Do you have a question for Julie Spira?
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
This scene may sound familiar. You meet a guy and have an instant connection. You start flirting back and forth and the next thing you know, you?re wondering, Are we in a relationship? Are the feelings mutual?
When Deb wrote to me with this familiar scenario after sending multiple flirty text messages to each the new man she had a crush on, she was concerned that things were moving too quickly. Was she becoming too attached?
Deb now wonders if her new guy is a player as he was also flirting with other women. She became anxious about the situation. Now her dream guy is sending her emails and text messages saying that he loves her. Even more confused, she called him out on his flirtatious behavior, of which he replied, ?I get it.? Should she move forward with this guy? What should she do?
Well Deb, some people are born flirts. Instant chemistry is rare and when we find it, we automatically fast-forward our feelings and start thinking about our relationship, our future, marriage, children, the works. But slow down Deb. Why is this guy who?s texting you with love notes flirting with others in the same sentence as he uses the ?L? word so freely. Just how many other women does he say that to? Is he waiting to hear it back to feed his ego or is he sincere?
A man who is committed to being in a relationship with you isn?t going to screw it up by making you jealous and putting himself in the position of being discarded, with his phone number permanently deleted on your iPhone and in your heart.
What should you do? Play the field. Yes. There?s no ring on your finger, and hopefully you haven?t been intimate yet. Don?t confuse love with lust. While your emotions and hormones are running at high speed, you don?t know his intentions other than he?s that instant chemistry guy, which can be dangerous. I know this first hand, as I wrote about it in my book The Perils of Cyber-Dating, when I too, had that instant chemistry with a guy I met. It turned out that he was a major player, and just like the Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, I’ll hum the line, ?Players on love you when they?re playing.? It?s a game that can leave you feeling empty and alone.
My advice is simply, to take it slow. Date other men. Don?t sleep with this chemistry guy. Have fun flirting here and there, but don?t assume you?re in a relationship. Some relationships that start off hot-and-heavy, end just as quickly.
Hopefully your guy is different. Perhaps he?s just nervous. Texting can?t replace quality time in person. Take a look at my latest YourTango Experts video, where I address the texting issue in a relationship. Time will tell if your guy is for real and time is a precious gift.
Keep me posted.
Wishing you much love and happiness.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Follow her @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert. ?
With over 15 years of online dating experience, I’ll teach you how to create an irresistible online dating profile and help you with become successful at dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
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Happy February. I always say that Valentine’s Day for women is like the Super Bowl for men. In honor of the most romantic day of the year, we’ll be celebrating in a big way and want to share the news with you.
Irresistible Online Dating Profiles
From February 1 – 6th, our irresistible private coaching and irresistible online dating profiles will be discounted by 15%. That’s right, there’s still time to find your Valentine and we’re committed to helping you by shaving off up to $120 off the price. We’ll hold your hand from creating your profile with a catchy screen name to providing a custom search exclusive to you.Your love life is really worth the investment. Contact us for a private consultation. Valid for serious minded singles only.
Single Edition Radio
Our friends at Single Edition have invited me to be a guest on their show premiere scheduled for Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 9pm/ET. We’ll be talking about how to create an irresistible online dating profile and the dos and don’ts for Internet dating. You can listen live at https://www.talkradiounlimited.com or call in at 612-293-4262 to hear my conversation with Sherri Langburt and Simone Grant.
Valentine’s Chat for Lovers and Lovers in Waiting
It’s an honor to be selected by GenConnect to host their Valentine’s Chat on Thursday, February 3, 2011 at 3:30pm/ET. We’ll be talking about how you can snag a date for Valentine’s Day and how to be realistic about your expectations if you’re already in a relationship. Click here to register. All chat participants will be entered into a drawing and one lucky winner will receive a free Irresistible Online Dating Profile.
Valentine’s Edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show
Get ready for a very special edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show, where my guest will be Dr. Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research and Development at eHarmony Labs.
Gian has just written a new book called, The eHarmony Guide to Dating the Second Time Around. Gian will be taking time from his busy book tour schedule to discuss his book with us just in time for Valentine’s Day.
The Perils of Cyber-Dating – Online Dating Book
I’m so proud and super-excited as my online dating book has remained on the bestseller list for 2-years! That’s right. Just last week it was a bestseller in Dating, Mate Seeking, and Computers & Internet – Humor. So purchase your copy before they sell out.
Valentine’s Day Dating Advice
There will be no shortage of Valentine’s advice this year. Remember, love is a 365 day year day topic, but check out my recent articles and feel free to comment. We’ve gone International. The Perils of Cyber-Dating book is featured in Elle Magazine this month in Chinese. If you go to Google.com/translate, and post the link, you can read the article. I’ll be updating this list as new articles are published. So stop back and visit and remember to sign up for the Weekly Flirt.
Valentine’s Etiquette – Dos and Don’ts for Your Valentine – Cyber-Dating Expert
Top 10 Valentine’s Dos and Don’ts – Top 10 Blog
5 Ways to Land a Date by Valentine’s – Yahoo! Shine
Valentine’s Events and Parties in Los Angeles – Julie’s Top Picks
Even if you don’t reside in California, I urge you to search for singles events in your home city. I’ve listed my Top 5 favorites for those in the Los Angeles area, so do a Google search for singles parties in your city and please, RSVP for at least one event. Whether you like Valentine’s Day or not, you have an opportunity to expand your social network.
Dating Community – Valentine’s Specials
Our friends at eHarmony are offering their Free Communication Weekend all month long. That’s right, if you sign up now, you can have the entire month of February to use their service at no charge.
Online dating site Lavalife has a Free Love February Special promotion. Any new user who signs up within the month of February will receive 30 days of unlimited access to their online dating site, absolutely free.
For more special offers and recommended dating sites, visit our Dating Community at CyberDatingExpert.com
There are more announcements coming in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, so check back frequently as we’re committed to helping you find love online this Valentine’s.
To remember 2010, we are pleased to share the best and highest rated show segments on Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio Show during the calendar year.
All I can say is WOW! It’s been an amazing year filled with dating advice to help you while looking for love online. Over 37,000 loyal fans listened to the program, where we talked about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
Here’s our Top 10 list for the year for your listening pleasure.
1. The Frisky – Amelia McDonnell-Parry, editor-in-chief
2. Cupid’s Coach – Julie Ferman, founder
3. Liar Liar List – Beth Greenfield, founder
4. David Wygant – Dating Expert
5. Your Tango – Tom Miller, General Manager and columnist, Tomfoolery
6. OkCupid – Sam Yagan, CEO
7. Match.com – Whitney Casey, Relationship Insider
8. Senior People Meet – Dr. Terri L. Ohrbuch, The Love Doctor
9. People Media – Josh Meyers
10. Weopia – Dave Wilkie
The 2010 year also included well respected relationship authors and dating experts Andrea Syrtash, Lori Gottlieb, Dr. Carole Lieberman, Alix Strauss, Marie Forleo, Tina Tessina, Debra Berndt, Kristen McGuinness, Paige Parker, Dr. Diana Kirschner, Deb and Liv from Flirtexting, Cougar Expert Lucia, Carrie Seim, and Don’t Date Him Girl’s Tasha Cuningham.
We featured online dating sites and dating advice sites including Cosmopolitan – Ky Henderson, eLove – Paul Falzone, ?eHarmony – Dr. Gian Gonzaga,??The Wing Girls – Jet and Star, Brainiac Dating – Lawrence Chernin, ?Cupidtino – Mel Sampat, Perfect Match – Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Speed Date – Dan Abelon, Single Edition – Sherri Langburt, True – Herb Vest, Scientific Match – Eric Holzle, Opposites Connect – Larry Wilson, Meetcha – Jeff Taylor, and SKOUT Mobile Dating – Christian Wiklund.
A special mention goes to this year’s launch of the new digital dating cards with Lori Cheek from Cheekd and Rachel DeAlto from FlipMe Dating. It was an honor to feature Harvard Professor Michael I. Norton on the subject of virtual dating.
All of the programs can be heard at blogtalkradio.com/cyberdatingexpert
We’ll resume again in 2011 and look forward to hearing more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
1. The Frisky
2. Cupid’s Coach
3. Liar Liar List
4. David Wygant
8. Senior People Meet
9. People Media
Listen to Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show where Julie Spira spoke with Lori Cheek, founder of Cheek’d dating cards.
Cheekd flirting cards combines connecting with someone offline and engaging with them online. It’s a romantic way of meeting someone in real life with an online dating digital twist. Each deck has 43 sayings to pick from in a 50 card deck.
From “Act natural. We can get awkward later” to “Emotionally available” ?and “I couldn’t find a napkin” to “I just put all my drinks on your tab,” you’ll hear about which cards are the most popular in the deck.
Plus! We’ll be giving away 5 Free decks of cards with a one-month membership on our Facebook page. Like us at Facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert for more details.
Listen to learn more about dating, love and romance in a Web 2.0 World.
In this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert question, a very attractive and successful African-American woman named Veronica asked me on our Facebook page to help her while looking for love online. I know Veronica and she deserves to find love in the crowded digital playing field.
Any advice for us African-American women who are looking for mates? Many of us are equal-opportunity daters. Can we get more opportunities from high caliber guys?
I’m glad you reached out for help in finding a mate online. The good news is you can date within your ethnicity or reach out beyond.
At the same time, I’d check out the many traditional online dating sites which allow you to search in a variety of ethnicities. I suggest you take the time and reach out to men that you find attractive, rather than waiting for them to find you. More often than not, a man will be flattered when he sees your email in his Inbox.
Best of luck with your search and keep us posted on your results.
Do you have a questions for Cyber Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send us your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact