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Dating Advice – When You’re Not a Priority

Ask the Cyber-Dating ExpertDear Julie,

Hi there. I wanted to run something by you. I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy for a few years now, and I’m looking for at least a hint of commitment from him.  On the surface, it appears that we have everything together — both well educated, accomplished individuals who have lots of friends and strong family ties. But, there have been a series of red flags that lead me to believe that this is just a relationship of convenience for him.

It was my birthday last week and he completely forgot and actually went out with his guy friends that night 🙁 I know, not so good huh??? Worse yet, when I told him about it a few days later when he was at my apartment, he gave the most insensitive remark of all time: “well, there’s always next year.” I was taken aback to say the least.

Once I regained my bearings, I took two steps forward and delivered a stinging slap to his face for that remark.  His response (as he’s standing there holding his jaw) “Well how about dinner tonight?” Strike two. I pointed to the door and he got the message loud and clear. I’ve given him the silent treatment over the past week. What would you do?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your email and for reaching out for advice.

I have to wonder, why would you want a commitment for someone who doesn’t make you a priority in his life?

When you know for sure there are red flags, you should write them down. Ask yourself if you’d want your best friend to be in a relationship like this, or would you encourage her to find someone who has her on a pedestal.

A birthday to a woman is like Valentine’s Day. All men know that. To disappoint you on a day like that is very hurtful. He made it clear by forgetting that you’re lower on the totem pole than his friends are. Sure you may both be well educated and have great times together, but if you’re asking if you’re a convenience after a few years, the answer is pretty clear that it’s yes.

Rather than giving him the silent treatment, it’s time to regain your power. Tell him you’d like to take a break and start dating others. Consider joining an online dating site and fill your calendar with interesting people to meet. You’ll be expanding your social circles and may even find someone who will treat you the way you truly deserve to be treated. You’re not giving him an ultimatum, which men dislike. You’re just taking action with your love life and regaining your power.

If he comes running back to you, think about creating a list of deal-breakers that you can’t live with and discuss them with him. Either he steps up to the plate and won’t want to lose you, or you’ll be free to meet someone who will cherish you.

Keep me posted on your progress. Let me know if you need my help in creating your irresistible online dating profile.

All my best,

Julie

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Beating the Post-Valentine’s Breakup Blues

Broken HeartThe phone has been ringing with newly heartbroken singles whose relationships sadly ended after Valentine?s Day.? Some singles want to jump back online and find themselves staring at their ex’s online dating and Facebook profiles. Others need more time to recover. I spoke with ellie, the queen bee and founder at pink kisses about this dilemma. We commiserated, bonded, and together we’ve decided to help heal some hearts.

It?s a great treat to feature ellie and her co-founder amy with their thoughts about the breakup season. They’re my kind of gals.

Beating the Post-Valentine Breakup Blues

by ellie scarborough & amy lynch of pinkkisses.com

ellie and amy - pinkkisses.com

ellie and amy - pinkkisses.com

Valentine?s Day has been hyped up since the days of cheap paper cartoon cards with lollipops stuck through the center.? We all went home one day each year with a bunch of obligatory doilies and dimestore candy stuffed into our backpacks, and February 15th was just another day.

Now that we?re adults, the annual schmoopfest is every bit as ubiquitous as it was back then, but it takes on a different meaning these days.? In a way, even though it?s billed as ?the most romantic day of the year,? it somewhat ironically signals the end of ? well, couples season.? It starts with the age-old ?do I or don?t I take you home to meet the family? question just before Thanksgiving, cruises beneath the mistletoe of December and pauses for a much-anticipated (and sometimes overrated) midnight kiss on New Year?s Eve.? There?s so much societal pressure leading up to mid-February that, once the candies have been devoured and the roses have died, it?s no wonder so many couples start splitting up before the spring.

At pinkkisses.com, we?ve been hearing lately from girls whose boyfriends called it quits right after Valentine?s Day.? And it?s not a huge surprise that with spring break coming up, lots of college couples are going their separate ways as well; in fact, a study of Facebook noted recently that the weeks leading up to spring break are a peak time of year for statuses to switch from ?in a relationship? to ?single.? The bottom line is this: although temperatures are starting to warm up and flowers are beginning to bloom, lots of relationships are cooling and the victims left in their wake are probably feeling a little wilted right about now.

But here?s the thing: while the end of a relationship may signal a low point, bringing out all your insecurities and temporarily damaging your sense of self-worth, you don?t have to wallow in the mire.? In fact, you can flip your so-called ?low point? on its ear and create a turning point out of it.? Sure, it?s necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of what you once shared with your ex, but a breakup offers a hidden treasure: the opportunity to start fresh ? not just with your dating life, but with your entire life in general.

All that time you were spending with your ex can now be spent doing? well, whatever you damn well please.? The pursuits you weren?t making room for in your life can now take center stage.? You may be feeling small, but in reality you?re standing on a perfect platform for transformation.? The weeks and months following a tough breakup present an amazing opportunity to — as we like to say — find your inner badass. Think of it as a clean slate. It?s a chance to take control of your life and emerge stronger, wiser and happier on the other side.? Make no mistake: no matter when, how or why it all had to end, moving on and living well is most definitely the best revenge.? And in the end, it?s sweeter than any Valentine chocolates could ever be.

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Psychology Today’s Thoroughly Modern Guide to Breakups

Psychology Today

As we enter the New Year, one may say, “Out with the old, in with the new.” But the beginning of a New Year often means it’s time to heal from a breakup, which does take time.

In the current issue of Psychology Today, I shared my once-private breakup with by my fiance in an email. It was truly painful. Helping others by writing The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online was necessary. I have often said that if Facebook were around in 1993, it’s quite likely that Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw would have been dumped in a relationship status update instead of a post-it, which has now become passe.

I’m devoting the first week of the year to the subject of breaking up with our featured book in our reading room, The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide, and by sharing my personal story to help singles while looking for love online. A breakup isn’t the end of the world. It can mean the beginning of a much better relationship.

For the complete story, visit Psychology Today.

Is Breaking Up Really Hard to Do?

Breaking upBreaking up. It happens every day. When it happens in Hollywood, it’s national news. Privacy for celebrities isn’t the only concern for couples now a days. There was even a movie called The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan a few years ago.

Modern technology has created a common trend of breaking up in a text message or an email. Even a voicemail break-up is becoming almost as obsolete as the old fashioned way, in person.

I was recently a guest on 700-WLW in Cincinnati with Eddie Fingers and Tracy Jones. We were talking about the recent break up of Jessica Simpson by Tony Romo the day before her 29th birthday. All I could say was, “OUCH!”

The pressure of holidays keeps many relationships together longer than they really should last. It’s the slow F-A-D-E. After all, who want’s to be home alone on New Year’s Eve or on Valentine’s Day?

So, why is it that every week I hear about a break-up in a text message? Why would someone dump their fiance in an email or in a voicemail? The easiest way according to the afternoon drive team at WLW is to do the fade away, and disappear and go POOF! This is called “ghosting” in the dating world, but is it right? How many people really have the courage to end a relationship amicably in person? Unfortunately, not enough according to what I am hearing in the singles scene.

So go ahead and say you would like to be friends, even if you don’t mean it to avoid getting slapped in the face. But please, don’t break up with your significant other in a text message or an email, especially right before a birthday, anniversary or Valentine’s Day. And if you do select the electronic way to deliver your message, don’t be upset when it appears all over the public Internet, on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and in an email blast. It’s the simple revenge a jilted girlfriend or boyfriend may end up doing if they are feeling bitter about the way you handled it.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.