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The Text Message Breakup – Who’s Doing It?

text message break up

 

 

 

 

It’s been almost two decades since Carrie Bradshaw was dumped by Berger in a post-it in Sex and the City. Now it appears, even breakups via email are becoming passe and a text message ending has become more popular flavor du jour.

I was interviewed in an article, which appeared on USA Today called Would you break up by sending a text? In the story, relationship writer Sharon Jayson reported that Katy Perry was notified by Russell Brand via text message they’d be getting divorced. Ouch.

Jayson was working on an in-depth article based upon a new survey conducted by online dating sites JDate and Christian Mingle. The study encompassed 1500 singles from 21-50 years of age who were either dating or had been in a relationship for up to two years.

The interesting findings showed the following:

  • 59% of daters might break up with someone they are dating via text message
  • 24% might end an exclusive relationship by sending a text
  • 96% of singles hide their cell phones
  • 67% find a way to check their mobile phones during a date

It’s alarming to me that so many singles make the excuse of going on a bathroom break during a date to actually text a friend about their date or to check their emails and voicemails in between the appetizer and the main course.

Where have all the manners gone?

I’m a big lover of technology and even believe that some digital foreplay and casual flirting via text messaging can enhance your dating life. I also believe, as I share in The Rules of Netiquette, that your mobile phone is not an accessory. It should be put in your purse or your pocket while on a date.

However, lately I even find myself breaking my own netiquette rules and using my cell phone on a date from time-to-time. From checking in on Facebook or Twitter, to snapping a photo of each course of my meal on my cell phone to upload to Instagram and share on Facebook, my cell phone seems to resurface, with permission of course, and never on a first date. It can be fun and flirty, but ONLY if you’re on the same digital page as your date.

You must simply ask, “Do you mind if I take a photo of this beautiful meal and share it on Facebook?” Usually, the answer will be no, go right ahead. But there is a huge difference from sharing your mutual enjoyment of memorializing the date together snapping photos of the meal he selected for you, than checking your phone to see who else sent you a text or a tweet. That my friends sends a message that your date isn’t as important as someone else who might pop up in a text message asking you out for dessert.

Back to the subject at hand, the text message break up. How much are we relying on our mobile phones to help us multitask with everyday chores and matters of the heart? More-and-more every day according to this recent survey. About 25% of singles 21-26 will use their mobile phones to seek out information about a date, with a higher number of 38% using their cell phones to schedule and plan their date. But don’t wait too long to respond to his or her text to accept a date.  Most singles are expecting a response in 1-3 hours now. That is, unless you’re getting dumped in a text message. In that case, lose his or her number, unfriend him or her on Facebook, and put away your mobile phone and take a good walk with a friend.

If singles are starting their digital courtship by asking someone out on a date via text, it shouldn’t be a huge surprise if the relationship ends the same way it started.

As I shared with USA Today,

The risk of misinterpreted texts is especially high in new relationships. There’s so little you know at that point. You make all these digital assumptions that it’s one-size-fits-all, and it’s not.”

Another digital breakup study we reported on showed that 30% of singles admitted to initiating a breakup on Facebook, text messaging or email. By now, we think that number is continuing to rise. Dating site WhatsYourPrice.com’s recent survey of 7,500 of its male members and 8,300 of its female members found that an overwhelming 83% of the men had broken up with someone via text message, as compared to only 18% of the women.

So I ask you, would you break up with someone you were dating in a text message? Is that how you’d like someone to end their relationship with you?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for more netiquette and dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

The Digital Breakup ? Is it Wrong?

The Digital BreakupDid you know that more than 30% of relationships have a digital ending?

According to a survey by Lab 42, 1/3 of people are breaking up via text, email, and on Facebook.

I strongly believe that if you?re in an intimate relationship or if you?ve committed to dating someone exclusively, calling it quits should happen in person.

Here are six common and inappropriate ways couples are breaking up in a digital world.

The Direct and Unilateral Breakup

1. Text Message. Seeing a text message saying, “It’s not you, it’s me” is inconsiderate. It also shows signs of disrespect and cowardly behavior. If you can type on the phone, you should be able to pick up the phone and dial it as well.

2. Email. The “Dear John” letter of years ago has been replaced with an email saying it’s over. Do you really want to go down in history as the person who sent a digital “Dear John” letter? Type your letter and send it to yourself. Read it the next morning before calling it quits. You might feel different about it the next day and can possibly save your relationship. Remember. An email can be and will be forwarded, shared, or possibly end up in a blog post or magazine.

3. The fax. Although fax machines are as obsolete as a rotary-dial phone, there still are cases where couples are filing for divorce via fax, with one party being in control and the recipient being shattered by the news.

The Passive-Aggressive Breakup

4.Reactivating an Online Dating Profile. If your significant other disappears for a few days and doesn’t return your calls, it might be time to see if they’ve reactivated their online dating profile. Even if it’s active for an hour or a day, it’s likely that this will get noticed by one of your friends. Is it worth losing a relationship over? I say no.

5. Facebook. Relationships are starting and ending on Facebook. I enjoy sharing the success stories on FacebookLoveStories.com, but cringe when I see someone changing their status relationship to ‘Single’ without discussing it with their partner. Worse yet, a friend my see your sweetheart in the arms of another in a photo proudly displayed on his or her Facebook page.

6. The Disappearing Act. Magicians should be left for the magic show, not for your relationship. If your needs aren’t being met or if you’ve found someone else, don’t leave someone hanging and just stop calling. It’s not over until both people realize where they stand. Dont disappear on someone you once loved when you?ve unilaterally decided it was time to move on.

At the end of the digital day, you should treat people the way that you want to be treated. Don’t go down in history as being a digital dumper. Often the love you have with the person you’ve invested the time with is worth saving and will be worth its weight in gold, compared to the heartbreak you might be creating.

Have you ever ended a relationship digitally? Did someone ever dump you in an email or text? Would you pull a disappearing act to avoid a confrontation?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

Photo credit: Pavel Ignatov – Fotolia.com

How to Get Over a Valentine’s Breakup

Broken Heart

There’s no doubt about it, breaking up around Valentine’s is the pits. It’s in line with being left at the altar, broken engagements, and birthday breakups.

There’s no good time to breakup, but in the digital age, breaking up means changing your Facebook status, deleting and untagging photos, and sometimes having a few down days. Since we have a long holiday weekend, go ahead and take the time to recover.

My friend ellie at Pink Kisses contributed a great Valentine’s breakup post that I wanted to share with you again. It’s time to heal that breaking heart.

Beating the Post-Valentine Breakup Blues

by ellie scarborough of pinkkisses.com

Valentine?s Day has been hyped up since the days of cheap paper cartoon cards with lollipops stuck through the center. We all went home one day each year with a bunch of obligatory doilies and dimestore candy stuffed into our backpacks, and February 15th was just another day.

Pink KissesNow that we?re adults, the annual schmoopfest is every bit as ubiquitous as it was back then, but it takes on a different meaning these days. In a way, even though it?s billed as ?the most romantic day of the year,? it somewhat ironically signals the end of ? well, couples season. It starts with the age-old ?do I or don?t I take you home to meet the family? question just before Thanksgiving, cruises beneath the mistletoe of December and pauses for a much-anticipated (and sometimes overrated) midnight kiss on New Year?s Eve. There?s so much societal pressure leading up to mid-February that, once the candies have been devoured and the roses have died, it?s no wonder so many couples start splitting up before the spring.

At pinkkisses.com, we?ve been hearing lately from girls whose boyfriends called it quits right after Valentine?s Day. And it?s not a huge surprise that with spring break coming up, lots of college couples are going their separate ways as well; in fact, a study of Facebook noted recently that the weeks leading up to spring break are a peak time of year for statuses to switch from ?in a relationship? to ?single.? The bottom line is this: although temperatures are starting to warm up and flowers are beginning to bloom, lots of relationships are cooling and the victims left in their wake are probably feeling a little wilted right about now.

But here?s the thing: while the end of a relationship may signal a low point, bringing out all your insecurities and temporarily damaging your sense of self-worth, you don?t have to wallow in the mire. In fact, you can flip your so-called ?low point? on its ear and create a turning point out of it. Sure, it?s necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of what you once shared with your ex, but a breakup offers a hidden treasure: the opportunity to start fresh ? not just with your dating life, but with your entire life in general.

All that time you were spending with your ex can now be spent doing? well, whatever you damn well please. The pursuits you weren?t making room for in your life can now take center stage. You may be feeling small, but in reality you?re standing on a perfect platform for transformation. The weeks and months following a tough breakup present an amazing opportunity to — as we like to say — find your inner badass. Think of it as a clean slate. It?s a chance to take control of your life and emerge stronger, wiser and happier on the other side. Make no mistake: no matter when, how or why it all had to end, moving on and living well is most definitely the best revenge. And in the end, it?s sweeter than any Valentine chocolates could ever be.

If you love this post, like Pink Kisses and Cyber-Dating Expert on Facebook.?

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Sign up for the Weekly Flirt for dating advice and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com

Would You Creep an Ex on Facebook?

Toronto Sun - Julie SpiraWhen you’re in love and happy and have a facebook status of “In a Relationship,” you’re letting the world view your romantic life and share your joy.

When the relationship ends, you know it’s best to cut your digital ties, but will you?

It’s hard to resist taking a peek, but it’s not healthy if you want to move forward with your life.

In a recent article in the Toronto Sun, I was asked my dating advice and opinions on the creeping an ex syndrome. So without further digital adieu, I hope this article helps you move on, both online and offline. As usual, your comments and suggestions are always appreciated.

“I?m against creeping exes,” says Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of?The Perils of Cyber-Dating. “There?s a reason he or she is your ex, so do what you can to move on. If you stare at their Facebook photos, it will be much harder to move on to a better and healthier relationship.”

Spira advises de-friending the ex on Facebook, untagging yourself from photos of the two of you together and unfollowing them on Twitter immediately.

“It’s just too tempting to take a digital peek,” Spira says.

But cutting your ex off from your social media circle doesn’t necessarily have to be a permanent measure.

Click here for the full article at the Toronto Sun

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and The Rules of Netiquette. Follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and Facebook.com/RulesofNetiquette

Dating Advice – When You’re Not a Priority

Ask the Cyber-Dating ExpertDear Julie,

Hi there. I wanted to run something by you. I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy for a few years now, and I’m looking for at least a hint of commitment from him.  On the surface, it appears that we have everything together — both well educated, accomplished individuals who have lots of friends and strong family ties. But, there have been a series of red flags that lead me to believe that this is just a relationship of convenience for him.

It was my birthday last week and he completely forgot and actually went out with his guy friends that night 🙁 I know, not so good huh??? Worse yet, when I told him about it a few days later when he was at my apartment, he gave the most insensitive remark of all time: “well, there’s always next year.” I was taken aback to say the least.

Once I regained my bearings, I took two steps forward and delivered a stinging slap to his face for that remark.  His response (as he’s standing there holding his jaw) “Well how about dinner tonight?” Strike two. I pointed to the door and he got the message loud and clear. I’ve given him the silent treatment over the past week. What would you do?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your email and for reaching out for advice.

I have to wonder, why would you want a commitment for someone who doesn’t make you a priority in his life?

When you know for sure there are red flags, you should write them down. Ask yourself if you’d want your best friend to be in a relationship like this, or would you encourage her to find someone who has her on a pedestal.

A birthday to a woman is like Valentine’s Day. All men know that. To disappoint you on a day like that is very hurtful. He made it clear by forgetting that you’re lower on the totem pole than his friends are. Sure you may both be well educated and have great times together, but if you’re asking if you’re a convenience after a few years, the answer is pretty clear that it’s yes.

Rather than giving him the silent treatment, it’s time to regain your power. Tell him you’d like to take a break and start dating others. Consider joining an online dating site and fill your calendar with interesting people to meet. You’ll be expanding your social circles and may even find someone who will treat you the way you truly deserve to be treated. You’re not giving him an ultimatum, which men dislike. You’re just taking action with your love life and regaining your power.

If he comes running back to you, think about creating a list of deal-breakers that you can’t live with and discuss them with him. Either he steps up to the plate and won’t want to lose you, or you’ll be free to meet someone who will cherish you.

Keep me posted on your progress. Let me know if you need my help in creating your irresistible online dating profile.

All my best,

Julie

Have a dating question? Interested in relationship advice? Send us your questions and follow Julie on Twitter and Facebook for more dating advice.

Beating the Post-Valentine’s Breakup Blues

Broken HeartThe phone has been ringing with newly heartbroken singles whose relationships sadly ended after Valentine?s Day.? Some singles want to jump back online and find themselves staring at their ex’s online dating and Facebook profiles. Others need more time to recover. I spoke with ellie, the queen bee and founder at pink kisses about this dilemma. We commiserated, bonded, and together we’ve decided to help heal some hearts.

It?s a great treat to feature ellie and her co-founder amy with their thoughts about the breakup season. They’re my kind of gals.

Beating the Post-Valentine Breakup Blues

by ellie scarborough & amy lynch of pinkkisses.com

ellie and amy - pinkkisses.com

ellie and amy - pinkkisses.com

Valentine?s Day has been hyped up since the days of cheap paper cartoon cards with lollipops stuck through the center.? We all went home one day each year with a bunch of obligatory doilies and dimestore candy stuffed into our backpacks, and February 15th was just another day.

Now that we?re adults, the annual schmoopfest is every bit as ubiquitous as it was back then, but it takes on a different meaning these days.? In a way, even though it?s billed as ?the most romantic day of the year,? it somewhat ironically signals the end of ? well, couples season.? It starts with the age-old ?do I or don?t I take you home to meet the family? question just before Thanksgiving, cruises beneath the mistletoe of December and pauses for a much-anticipated (and sometimes overrated) midnight kiss on New Year?s Eve.? There?s so much societal pressure leading up to mid-February that, once the candies have been devoured and the roses have died, it?s no wonder so many couples start splitting up before the spring.

At pinkkisses.com, we?ve been hearing lately from girls whose boyfriends called it quits right after Valentine?s Day.? And it?s not a huge surprise that with spring break coming up, lots of college couples are going their separate ways as well; in fact, a study of Facebook noted recently that the weeks leading up to spring break are a peak time of year for statuses to switch from ?in a relationship? to ?single.? The bottom line is this: although temperatures are starting to warm up and flowers are beginning to bloom, lots of relationships are cooling and the victims left in their wake are probably feeling a little wilted right about now.

But here?s the thing: while the end of a relationship may signal a low point, bringing out all your insecurities and temporarily damaging your sense of self-worth, you don?t have to wallow in the mire.? In fact, you can flip your so-called ?low point? on its ear and create a turning point out of it.? Sure, it?s necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of what you once shared with your ex, but a breakup offers a hidden treasure: the opportunity to start fresh ? not just with your dating life, but with your entire life in general.

All that time you were spending with your ex can now be spent doing? well, whatever you damn well please.? The pursuits you weren?t making room for in your life can now take center stage.? You may be feeling small, but in reality you?re standing on a perfect platform for transformation.? The weeks and months following a tough breakup present an amazing opportunity to — as we like to say — find your inner badass. Think of it as a clean slate. It?s a chance to take control of your life and emerge stronger, wiser and happier on the other side.? Make no mistake: no matter when, how or why it all had to end, moving on and living well is most definitely the best revenge.? And in the end, it?s sweeter than any Valentine chocolates could ever be.

Remember to show us some social media love. Like Pink Kisses and Cyber-Dating Expert on Facebook

Peril of the Week – The Valentine’s Breakup

Peril of the Week - The Valentine's Break UpThere’s no good time to break up with the woman or man in your life. However, there are some SACRED days that one should respect when it comes to matters of the heart. These days include Christmas, New Year’s, Birthdays, and of course, Valentine’s Day.

Many of us remember when Jessica Simpson got dumped by football star, Tony Romo the day before her birthday bash. Romo didn’t want to be the “Ken” in her “Ken and Barbie” themed party. Well, they’ve both moved on and we’ve moved onto the famous Facebook breakup chart, which spread like wildfire on the Internet last year. We’re now once reminded again that breakups are in a peak period leading up to Valentine’s Day.

And so the story goes in our featured Peril of the Week, where a handsome gentleman had been courting a woman that he met in an online dating site. He said he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with her. He was smitten. He called her daily, told her she was beautiful, and made plans for future dates. Everything seemed to be going well. He said he wasn’t dating anyone else, so naturally she expected an invitation for Valentine’s Day.

Suddenly, one week before Valentine’s Day, he canceled their plans for the weekend without an excuse. He rescheduled for the following week–the week where you should already know if you are on the calendar for February 14th.

Then came the arrival of the e-mail breakup just a few days before Valentine’s Day. The one where he said, “Let’s be friends.”

The email message said, “As for us; I think we are in the friend zone as I am obviously not the man for you. I’ll spare you all the boilerplate of what a wonderful person you are (although it’s true) but the simple reality is that I am not the man who will be able to provide you with happiness, joy and contentment for the balance of your long and very meaningful life. What you are looking for I cannot provide and I’m sorry I’m unable to do so as I’m very attracted to you.”

Was it a polite pre-Valentine’s breakup? Sure. He could have just disappeared. At the end of the day, he didn’t want her to be his Valentine. Happiness, joy and contentment forever? After a few dates, the word forever should have not been in his vocabulary. Was it the pressure of the Valentine’s date? “It’s not you, it’s me” is old line. She surmised that he found another Valentine and he just wasn’t that into her after all.

If you have an online dating disaster story to share, we’d like to hear from you. Send your submissions to Cyber Dating Expert

Psychology Today’s Thoroughly Modern Guide to Breakups

Psychology Today

As we enter the New Year, one may say, “Out with the old, in with the new.” But the beginning of a New Year often means it’s time to heal from a breakup, which does take time.

In the current issue of Psychology Today, I shared my once-private breakup with by my fiance in an email. It was truly painful. Helping others by writing The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online was necessary. I have often said that if Facebook were around in 1993, it’s quite likely that Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw would have been dumped in a relationship status update instead of a post-it, which has now become passe.

I’m devoting the first week of the year to the subject of breaking up with our featured book in our reading room, The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide, and by sharing my personal story to help singles while looking for love online. A breakup isn’t the end of the world. It can mean the beginning of a much better relationship.

For the complete story, visit Psychology Today.

Reading Room – The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide

Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide

It’s January and time to stop your sobbing. If you need some hand holding, pick up a copy of The Frisky 30-Day Breakup Guide: One Month of Manicures, Massages, and Mojitos to Help You Forget About Him by Jamie Beckman and place it now beside your bed.

Jamie provides you with a 30-Day simple to follow Breakup Calendar that will take you anywhere from buying something pink, to giving blood and getting a massage. The book starts with changing your cell phone wallpaper, which means delete his photos on Facebook, on your cell phone, and any other social networking site. The goal after 30-days is to calmly move on with your life, which is easier to do when you stop staring at your digital history.

In reality, it takes about a month of healing for every year that you were together as a couple. So if you’re interested in getting over him in 30 days or less, this book is for you.

So out with the old, and in with the new. It’s time to get started on becoming the fabulous new you.

Click here to purchase a copy>>>

‘Tis the Season to Breakup

facebook breakup heartPut on your seat belt now through Christmas Eve if you’re in a rocky relationship, as you may become one of the holiday statistics. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but breakup season is officially here.

The Facebook breakup chart from David McClandess, which was released a few years ago, spread like wildfire over the Internet. Based on a study of profile updates with the words “breaking up” and “breakup” it was proven that the two weeks leading up to Christmas showed a peak for those bidding farewell to their current love interest.

Facebook Breakup Chart

Although couples were given ample time to prepare for holiday breakups, we were told that the period of December 11 – 24th would be a peak period for relationships to dissolve. Fortunately, Christmas day isn’t a popular day to say “au revoir” to your beau. The research on Facebook status updates was based on search words for breakup and breaking up.

RELATED: BREAKING UP: 12 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE GETTING DUMPED

So why has breaking up become such a hot topic this holiday season? The time leading up to a major holiday or event for a couple can be very stressful. Along with birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries, the Christmas season is a time where you show the world that you are a couple. It also involves a financial investment, and with today’s economy, many singles aren’t willing to invest in an expensive gift if they know the relationship is about to run its course.

RELATED: FACEBOOK EASES THE PAIN DURING A BREAKUP

Unfortunately, breaking up has become a little too easy to do. Saying goodbye in an email, text, or changing your facebook status relationship change has become more popular for those who don’t want to get slapped in the face. Don’t be surprised if you find out your current love interest has reactivated their online dating profile in the coming weeks. Then again, sometimes it’s good to say, “Out with the old, in with the new.”

RELATED: DEADLY BREAKUP OBSESSIONS

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years with her Irresistible Online Dating Profiles. For dating advice, follow Julie on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

RELATED: THE TEXT MESSAGE BREAKUP: WHO’S DOING IT?

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