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Would You Break Up Before Valentine’s Day?

valentine's BreakupValentine’s Day might be my favorite holiday, but not everyone feels the same.

One of you might still be paying off credit card bills from the December holiday season, while the other is expecting a ring, there might be an explosion on the 12th or 13th.

Many couples in relationships feel the huge pressure of stepping up to a deeper commitment when they’re not on the same page with their partner, especially on Valentine’s Day.

If you feel this way, you’re not alone. It’s also proposal season, where 6 million people are expected to get engaged on February 14th. 

If ring shopping isn’t on your mind, or in your budget, it might be time to have “the talk.”

If you’re single, just seeing candy hearts, chocolates, and flowers in the grocery store is enough to put your heads under the covers.

RELATED: The Post-Valentine’s Breakup

On KABC 7, Eyewitness News, I spoke with Coleen Sullivan and Ellen Leyva on everything Valentine’s.

When asked why so many people break up before Valentine’s Day, I weighed in with my thoughts about the day so many either love, or hate.

We’ve got you covered in the Valentine’s Survival Guide, regardless of your relationship status.

View Full Interview

RELATED: 7 Ways to Find a Date by Valentine’s Day

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 24 years.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

SIGN UP for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice delivered to your inbox.

When It’s OK To Break Up in a Text

text message break up

I’ve always said it’s never acceptable to break up in a text message or email. It’s not even acceptable to breakup via phone if you live within driving distance of each other, or if you have plans to be together in person if you’re in a long distance relationship. It’s just too easy to break up these days.

If you cared enough to get naked with someone, you should give them the courtesy to end the relationship in a two-way dialog, and not in a digital monologue. That’s the rule of thumb, however research has shown that drive-by digital breakups via text are on the rise.

If you sleep with your phone by your bed, practically take it into the shower with you, and it’s attached at your hip, it’s become the accessory that pretty much runs your life. You can fall in love from the convenience of your mobile phone and you can end a relationship the same way.

But should you and would you?

Here’s my exception to the breakup by text rule.

If your relationship was a toxic and unhealthy one, or you’ve been lied to repeatedly, cheated on with actual evidence, not just a hunch, then why subject yourself to more lies and deception in a convo?

RELATED: The Text Message Breakup – Who’s Doing It?

If the person you’re involved with and are dating regularly, who you see every week, who calls and texts you every day has an identical relationship going on with someone else and you both think you’re exclusive, guess what? All bets are off. It’s about self-respect and self-protection at this point.

If you don’t want a confrontation and realize the relationship is not worth salvaging, before you draft that text, make a list of all the pros and cons of the relationship. Be very sure. Ask yourself how you’d like to be treated if the relationship wasn’t working out. If you had only a handful of dates, sending a quick text to say you’re not on the same page isn’t the end of the world.

On the other hand, if you’ve become deeply involved with his or her life, their family and friends, and have a full schedule of events together that you just can’t fathom attending, do the following.

  1. Draft that text and send it to yourself.
  2. Sleep on it.
  3. Run it by a close friend.
  4. Send it without expecting any response, or don’t send it if you might have a change of heart.
  5. Know that it’s over and be good with the decision (have no regrets).

Should we just end all relationships via text? Absolutely not. I’m just saying that there are times when you’re in a relationship that starts to get unhealthy that you need to think about yourself.

Maybe your bae ignores you and your texts. It could mean there’s cheating going on, excessive drinking, lying, all the things you wouldn’t want happening to your best friend. If they start happening to you and you see no way out, end it kindly and quickly. Wish the other person well.

RELATED: The Dating Expert Guide to Breaking Up

If you hear from them and they believe there’s been a misunderstanding, hear them out, but usually after you’ve slept on it, put together your pros and cons list of the relationship, you’ll soon see whether it’s worth salvaging or not. If you don’t hear from them, know that you made the right decision and be open to the possibilities of much better relationship, one that you deserve, one where the person adores and respects you to the point that you never have to question whether you should end it via text.

When it’s time to call it quits, do it with integrity. End it in person if you can. A phone call is the second choice. Texting or even ghosting isn’t the way it should go down, but if you do get ghosted, take the high road and don’t text over-and-over again to find out why.

RELATED: Confused, Is He Ghosting?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert, and as an early adopter of Internet dating, has been helping singles find love online with her Irresistible Profiles coaching programs.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook for dating advice

SIGN UP for the FREE Weekly Flirt for dating advice delivered to your inbox

Ghosting: The Cultural Phenomenon in Dating

Ghosted

Whether you’re swiping left and right on a mobile app or meeting IRL through friends or co-workers, when it’s time to call it quits, couples are changing their relationship statuses by disappearing entirely.

Being ghosted is the coward’s way of breaking up.

Singles are finding ghosting the easy way out. Technology that connects us to find love can disconnect us in a digital split second. One day you’re talking about the future lying naked in bed with your boyfriend or girlfriend and the next day you’re blocked on social media and texts come to a complete halt. Confused by this disappearing act, you find your texts are getting ignored, your phone is blocked from receiving your calls and it appears like they’ve moved to another country or into the arms of another without the decency of a proper ending.

As technology affects all aspects of relationships, I have found myself becoming a ghosting or ghosted expert with the barrage of emails from heartbroken singles wondering what they did wrong to push someone away without the formality of a breakup conversation to get the closure they so desperately need.

According to online dating site PlentyofFish’s survey, 80% of millennials admitting to have been ghosted, or being the ghoster. The trend is rising daily among all demographics. Here are reasons why singles are ghosting big time and what to do instead.

1. You’re a Coward. Gone are the days of “post-it” breakups and even email breakups. You know it’s uncool to play Casper when it’s not Halloween, but you don’t have the guts to tell him or her it’s over. Pull up your big boy or big girl pants and do the deed in person if geography allows. You might get a slap on the face or a confrontation you’d prefer not to have, but have the convo. It might be possible to salvage your relationship through healthy communication, or end on mutual terms.

2. You’ve Met Someone Else. If you’re relationship has been on a downhill slide, you’re probably open to meeting someone else. Often there’s double-dipping involved and there could be an overlap that your new squeeze and old squeeze don’t know about. Tired of living a double-life and rather than coming clean (which means yes, did you sleep with someone else?), you ease into a new relationship and ease out of the one you were in by going MIA. If you think your relationship is over, don’t stay in it for the sex. Make a clean break in person, via phone, anything except disappearing into the arms of another, as your soon-to-be ex will see new photos on Instagram and Facebook and you can expect some nasty texts to appear on your smart phone from someone scorned and publicly humiliated.

3. You’re not Feeling It Anymore. You’ve gone through the motions, have met each others’ friends, talked about being exclusive, and then commit to being monogamous. Maybe he or she was a great kisser and your texts bordered on sexting, but once you slept together, it was plain bad. There’s more to the relationship than sex only, but if you can’t imagine seeing them again after oh so boring sex, you ghost. Not nice. People get nervous the first time they have get naked together. The pressure is on big time. Don’t make it about being incompatible in bed. That’s the worst kind of pain after your partner bears their heart, soul, and body.

Read: Ghosted for the First Time

4. You want to Play the Field. Beginnings are exciting. The first text, the first kiss, the first weekend away, yes, butterflies still exist and everyone is on good behavior. You’re having so much fun with your steady squeeze until you realize that you’re attached, when you really prefer to be single. You decide that the grass is greener when you’re attached and want to fly solo. When you’re solo, you think the grass is greener and want to be in a relationship. Meanwhile, your significant other didn’t do anything wrong. You truly like them, but the shiny new feeling wore off and there’s another cute smile flirting with you right now. What do you do? You get out of the digital handcuffs, disappear and don’t explain that you aren’t interested in spending the holidays with his or her family.

What to do if your significant other ghosts you

1. Don’t Send Repeated Texts that Get Ignored. One-way texts are humiliating and the are self-inflicted digital pain. Staring at your phone waiting for his or her reply can become obsessive. Turn your phone off and go to a movie with a friend, take a walk, do anything but press the send button on another text. If the person you were involved with doesn’t have the balls to end a relationship with a conversation, don’t stalk them online or offline to get closure. It will push them away and it will confirm their thoughts that you’re  a crazy ex.  Go no contact ASAP and text a friend or me instead of your lost lover.

Read: Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

2. Give the Ghoster Space. Sometimes a person just needs a break. When someone tells you they want a break, the initial reaction is that it’s a breakup. After all “break” is the first part of the word, right? Give your Ghoster a few days to sort out their feelings, have some space to think about life without you and they may return. They don’t even think they’ve ghosted you, but you’re hurting big time. The best think you can do for yourself is stay busy with your friends while your ghosting lover is thinking it over.

3. Let him/her Go. People who ghost know it’s not the right thing to do, but everyone else is doing it and it’s become so easy, so why not follow a trend? If someone you were involved with finds you to be that disposable, give them a one-way ticket out of your life.

Ghosters have a habit of not ending it formally, because if their other options don’t work out, they want to have the opportunity to return. It’s not a love hiatus when it’s not mutual and it’s fine to call a ghoster out on their behavior. If he/she ghosts you once, you’ll get ghosted again. Don’t become that person in rotation.

4. Don’t Take it Out on The Next Person. Just because you’ve been ghosted, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable and you should ghost the next person you meet. Treat others the way you want to be treated and let’s stop all of this ghosting once and for all.

Have you been ghosted before? How did it make you feel?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and is the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love online and on their mobile phones for over two decades. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Most Millennials Have Been Ghosted

Millennials Ghosting

Source: Giphy

Breaking up isn’t hard to do anymore.  All you have to do is ghost and disappear.  One minute you’re texting your steady girlfriend or boyfriend non-stop then suddenly they going MIA with no explanation. It’s simple, but oh so hurtful and I don’t recommend it.

Everyday I hear another story of someone who’s been ghosted, also known as ghosting, or the digital disappearing act. When it’s time to call it quits with your boyfriend or girlfriend, where have the manners gone?

Related: Ghosted for the First Time

One of our favorite online dating sites, Plenty of Fish, just released a survey of 800 singles 18-33, which showed that showing that 80% of these singles had been ghosted.

POF says, “Ghosting” seems to be the new trend when ending a relationship, with the majority of singles reporting getting dumped when the person they were dating suddenly cut off all communication with them, without explanation.”

What do do when you’ve been ghosted?

If you’re steady squeeze or digital crush disappeared, bid a fond farewell and get back on that dating saddle.

The good news from the POF survey on digital dating showed that millennials don’t skip a digital beat when this happens to them. Their report showed that 14.% surveyed wasted no time in getting back into the dating scene by scheduling multiple dates for one night. I’ve always said the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Related: Confused, Is He Ghosting?

Communication is Key

Part of the survey studied the attachment between millennials and their mobile phones. Millennials are so attached to their phones, it’s not surprising that 66% of respondents said their preferred method of communication with an online date is through text messaging, followed by only 14% preferring a phone call.

Mobile dating speeds up the process. The classic “three day rule” of waiting to call after a date has gone out the window with millennials. Now, 20% will contact someone the same day to follow up for a second date after a great first date.  Almost half wait a day or two, while 15% don’t bother at all and wait for their date to reach out first. If you wait the full week, your date might forget your name by the time you call.

POF Millennial Dating Study

Overall, millennials have impacted and changed the dating game quite a bit, but at the end of the digital day, they’re still looking for love. That’s good news for all hopeful romantics. Over 1/4 of the respondents stated they check their dating app once a day, while others admitted to checking in at least 5 times a day.

So log on and keep those push notifications coming.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Cosmopolitan – Deadly Breakup Obsessions – Julie Spira

Cosmopolitan

We’re jumping for joy at Cyber-Dating Expert Headquarters to be featured on Cosmopolitan this week. We know breakups really suck. We know we can’t help but obsess about our ex, especially if they’ve already moved on with someone new.

Still, in order for us to move on to find a healthier relationship, we’ve got to stop thinking about him or her, knock them off the pedestal, because there is a reason you broke up, right?  It’s time to fall in love with your self, mourn the loss and we’re here to help you.

Many thanks to Frank Kobola from Cosmo who reached out to include is in his article, 7 Signs the Way You’re Dealing with Your Breakup is Unhealthy.

If you’re taking your breakup too hard, read these tips so you can speed up your recovery.

From reaching out to your girlfriend network to support you without draining them, to stalking his or her Facebook and Instagram accounts, Frank’s article gives you all the ammunition you need to wash your ex out of your life.

Full article on Cosmopolitan.com

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

How to Get Over a Valentine’s Breakup

Broken Heart

There’s no doubt about it, breaking up around Valentine’s is the pits. It’s in line with being left at the altar, broken engagements, and birthday breakups.

There’s no good time to breakup, but in the digital age, breaking up means changing your Facebook status, deleting and untagging photos, and sometimes having a few down days. Since we have a long holiday weekend, go ahead and take the time to recover.

My friend ellie at Pink Kisses contributed a great Valentine’s breakup post that I wanted to share with you again. It’s time to heal that breaking heart.

Beating the Post-Valentine Breakup Blues

by ellie scarborough of pinkkisses.com

Valentine?s Day has been hyped up since the days of cheap paper cartoon cards with lollipops stuck through the center. We all went home one day each year with a bunch of obligatory doilies and dimestore candy stuffed into our backpacks, and February 15th was just another day.

Pink KissesNow that we?re adults, the annual schmoopfest is every bit as ubiquitous as it was back then, but it takes on a different meaning these days. In a way, even though it?s billed as ?the most romantic day of the year,? it somewhat ironically signals the end of ? well, couples season. It starts with the age-old ?do I or don?t I take you home to meet the family? question just before Thanksgiving, cruises beneath the mistletoe of December and pauses for a much-anticipated (and sometimes overrated) midnight kiss on New Year?s Eve. There?s so much societal pressure leading up to mid-February that, once the candies have been devoured and the roses have died, it?s no wonder so many couples start splitting up before the spring.

At pinkkisses.com, we?ve been hearing lately from girls whose boyfriends called it quits right after Valentine?s Day. And it?s not a huge surprise that with spring break coming up, lots of college couples are going their separate ways as well; in fact, a study of Facebook noted recently that the weeks leading up to spring break are a peak time of year for statuses to switch from ?in a relationship? to ?single.? The bottom line is this: although temperatures are starting to warm up and flowers are beginning to bloom, lots of relationships are cooling and the victims left in their wake are probably feeling a little wilted right about now.

But here?s the thing: while the end of a relationship may signal a low point, bringing out all your insecurities and temporarily damaging your sense of self-worth, you don?t have to wallow in the mire. In fact, you can flip your so-called ?low point? on its ear and create a turning point out of it. Sure, it?s necessary to take some time to grieve the loss of what you once shared with your ex, but a breakup offers a hidden treasure: the opportunity to start fresh ? not just with your dating life, but with your entire life in general.

All that time you were spending with your ex can now be spent doing? well, whatever you damn well please. The pursuits you weren?t making room for in your life can now take center stage. You may be feeling small, but in reality you?re standing on a perfect platform for transformation. The weeks and months following a tough breakup present an amazing opportunity to — as we like to say — find your inner badass. Think of it as a clean slate. It?s a chance to take control of your life and emerge stronger, wiser and happier on the other side. Make no mistake: no matter when, how or why it all had to end, moving on and living well is most definitely the best revenge. And in the end, it?s sweeter than any Valentine chocolates could ever be.

If you love this post, like Pink Kisses and Cyber-Dating Expert on Facebook.?

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author. She creates irresistible dating profiles for singles on the dating scene. Sign up for the Weekly Flirt for dating advice and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com

‘Tis the Season to Breakup

facebook breakup heartPut on your seat belt now through Christmas Eve if you’re in a rocky relationship, as you may become one of the holiday statistics. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but breakup season is officially here.

The Facebook breakup chart from David McClandess, which was released a few years ago, spread like wildfire over the Internet. Based on a study of profile updates with the words “breaking up” and “breakup” it was proven that the two weeks leading up to Christmas showed a peak for those bidding farewell to their current love interest.

Facebook Breakup Chart

Although couples were given ample time to prepare for holiday breakups, we were told that the period of December 11 – 24th would be a peak period for relationships to dissolve. Fortunately, Christmas day isn’t a popular day to say “au revoir” to your beau. The research on Facebook status updates was based on search words for breakup and breaking up.

RELATED: BREAKING UP: 12 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE GETTING DUMPED

So why has breaking up become such a hot topic this holiday season? The time leading up to a major holiday or event for a couple can be very stressful. Along with birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and anniversaries, the Christmas season is a time where you show the world that you are a couple. It also involves a financial investment, and with today’s economy, many singles aren’t willing to invest in an expensive gift if they know the relationship is about to run its course.

RELATED: FACEBOOK EASES THE PAIN DURING A BREAKUP

Unfortunately, breaking up has become a little too easy to do. Saying goodbye in an email, text, or changing your facebook status relationship change has become more popular for those who don’t want to get slapped in the face. Don’t be surprised if you find out your current love interest has reactivated their online dating profile in the coming weeks. Then again, sometimes it’s good to say, “Out with the old, in with the new.”

RELATED: DEADLY BREAKUP OBSESSIONS

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years with her Irresistible Online Dating Profiles. For dating advice, follow Julie on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

RELATED: THE TEXT MESSAGE BREAKUP: WHO’S DOING IT?