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How to Handle the Dreaded Pull Back

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowOne of our most popular dating advice blog posts, What to Do When He Pulls Back, is still getting a lot of comments.

I get it that so many of you are in such pain and don’t understand it when things are going great, why your boyfriend will disappear, call you less, stop texting, or even take the more drastic action of breaking up.

Our recent comment comes from A. As a dating expert and coach, I can tell you that she’s not alone. Read her relationship problem and feel free to comment.

Dear Julie

Wow! I’ve been researching the web for answers for about a month now and it seems like your article just answered all of my questions.

I’ve dated a guy for 3 months. It seems like he was the one and made me feel like I was the one too. He never said “I love you” but I felt like he was in love… He was texting me at least twice a day, we saw each other every 2 weeks (we had a long distance relationship and he had his son every other week).

He wrote me a beautiful birthday card, I met his son and BAM, a week later, he left just saying he was scared and that maybe, he didn’t love me enough to continue in this relationship. I asked to discuss more but he just disappeared.

Note: he is also getting through some stressful times at work + his last relationship with his son’s mom ended very badly.

A month later, I still haven’t heard from him but I still think he loves me and made a big mistake. I know it was stressful for him and he probably just was overwhelmed. It was a big deal for him to introduce me to his son as well.

Anyways. I am still hopeful. What do you think? Can he realize that it was all about stress? How long can it take? I am slowly moving on but he was “my man” and I still feel that our story is not over…

Thanks 🙂

Dear A.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re guy had to pull back and couldn’t handle a serious relationship with you. Timing is always an important factor in relationships. The trick is to meet the right person at the right time and have a relationship move forward effortlessly.

Unfortunately it’s often not the case. Either someone is in transition from a previous relationship, has work issues that are higher on the totem pole than a relationship, or needs space. You might be the right person at the wrong time. I can’t tell you that for sure, as I’ve never met nor spoken with your now ex-boyfriend.

What I can tell you is that men often need space and time to figure things out without having outside pressure. Also, three months is a critical time for all relationships. I call it the first trimester of love. This is when the honeymoon phase takes place and both  men and women reanalyze their relationship statuses at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year. Three months is probably the most frequent time that I see people breaking up, deciding they don’t want to step it up to a more serious stage, which does include agreeing to be in a committed relationship, saying “I love you,” and more of a groove.

When a man says “I love you,” outside of the bedroom and afterglow of sex, it’s really a big deal to them. They project to the future and if they aren’t ready, they’ll disappear if they think that’s what you want.

That being said, if he comes to his senses and realizes what a prize you are, he’ll come back. If he said he was scared, he was being authentic and genuine. The guy has his hands full!

The big questions is, will you still be available if and when he returns? At this point, you need to start dating and maybe you’ll even meet someone who’s a better match for you. This can’t happen if you’re pining away for the guy you adored for just three months.

Go and be confident and become available for love. The right person will find you. Your guy just isn’t ready for anything serious, or isn’t ready for anything serious with you. (sorry)

Be grateful that you could have such strong feelings for someone, but if he comes back, it will be because you aren’t needy and he is ready. For now, there’s no reason to chase him or expect your guy to magically come back. There’s no calendar date. He may even meet someone else, but if his feelings for you were stronger, he will realize that by comparison.

I know it hurts. I’ve been there and can tell you, often they do come back. It comes down to a question of timing.

Perhaps if and when he resurfaces, you’ll no longer have a relationship status of “single.” No matter what, don’t chase him. Live your fabulous life and surround yourself with friends and activities. If it’s meant to be, it will be, but he will need to be the one to realize that.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie

Follow dating expert @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for relationship advice.

 

August is National Romance Month

National Romance Month

Although love and romance is a 24-hour a day 7-day a week topic, in the hot steamy month of August, romance does gets an extra boost.

To celebrate National Romance month, here are some uber romantic things to do for your date so they’ll be thinking about you all day long, while waiting for date night.

Here are seven ways to ramp up the romance

Cyber Love
As one who spends a lot of time helping singles with their mobile dating and online dating profiles, I can’t help but stress that logging on and swiping right are one of the simplest ways to think about romance and relationships. When you log in daily, take extra time to compliment someone on his or her outfit. Let them know you think they have an incredible smile and always use their first name if you know it. You’ll be surprised how quickly the boomerang effect will take place. You’ll feel like romance is just a click away.

Digital Foreplay

I’m a huge fan of sending romantic text messages leading up to your date. Sending a fun and flirty morning text message letting your date or significant other know that you’re excited about your date with a few xoxo’s will definitely add some romance to your love life.

Read: 20 Flirty Text Messages to Capture His Heart

Leave a Love Note

There’s something old fashioned and sexy about seeing a surprise love note on your pillow or in your bathroom drawer from the object of your affection. The best part, it’s a keepsake and can be looked at during the days and nights in between your next date.

Smile and be Confident

Believe it or not, you actually feel happier and more confident even when you’re smiling while on the telephone. Nobody can imagine romance with a “Debbie” or “Donnie Downer,” so smile at the grocery store, while standing in line at the bank or waiting for your turn at the ATM, or in an exercise class. You’ll come across as happier and don’t be surprised if a few heads turn.

First Date Rules – Be Proactive for Romance

Being passive on a date doesn’t help you in the romance department. Sure you don’t want to be too aggressive, but a survey from dating site Zoosk showed the squeaky wheel gets the romance deal with 34% of singles finding it most romantic when their date plans a surprise activity for their first date, with 27% liking to hold hands on the first date and 25% actually enjoying it when their date leans in for that first memorable kiss.

Schedule Date Nights

If you already have a steady loved one, you know how often relationships can end up in a rut after the first three months. When the honeymoon period starts to wane, if you’re not dating your mate and creating romantic memories, it’s easy for the relationship to fizzle out. Pick the same day each week and take turns selecting your date spot. You don’t have to break the bank, especially during Romance Awareness Month, as there are plenty of free concerts, where you can bring a picnic basket to or take the beach walk that so many swear they can’t wait to do.

Read: 5 Ways to Create a Great Date Night

Take that Beach Walk

Cliche as it may seem, many singles write that they enjoy taking beach walks on a date. Stop dreaming about it and schedule it with your date. Being barefoot on the beach with your toes in the sand is still the ultimate romantic date.

What romantic rituals help you in your relationship?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Mobile and Online Dating Expert. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and has been creating Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene for over two decades.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice.

Tinder Tales on The Tomorrow Show

Tomorrow ShowIf you missed our live stream on The Tomorrow Show with Kevin Undergaro on AfterBuzz TV, we tackled the subject of how difficult it can be while dating, using mobile dating apps, and finding a meaningful relationship.

In this segment, we were joined by several single daters with stories that will have you ROTFL.

I chimed in on what the daters were doing wrong and critiqued some online and mobile dating profiles.

Without further digital ado, and before swiping left or swiping right on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or more, watch our segment below for lessons and laughter of #TinderTales.

The dating segment starts at 1:07 below.

Spoiler alert: The best story was saved for last.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 2 decades. Julie’s Swiping Right program helps singles make the most of their Tinder profiles, regardless of their dating goals.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice.

Quote of the Day

Our Quote of the Day comes from the inspirational Louise Hay. Never give up hope and keep logging in while looking for love online.

“Somewhere, someone is looking for exactly what you have to offer.”

Quote of the Day

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Follow Online Dating Expert and dating coach @JulieSpira on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram and sign up for our Free Weekly Flirt for dating advice.

They’re Engaged! – Steven and Melissa

They're Engaged - Cyber Dating ExpertMeet Steven and Melissa who met offline, but quickly fell in love and started seeing each other almost every day. After a month and a half of dating, Melissa ended their relationship, thinking he might not be the right person to be a father figure for her three children. Steven was heartbroken.

To make matters worse, Melissa ghosted Steven and stopped returning his calls and texts, unfriended him on Facebook and went her own way.

Steven was convinced that she was ‘the one’ and reached out to us while looking for a dating coach and expert to help get his girlfriend back. While no one can wave a magic wand and make someone return to their ex, we knew we could take a stab at it and came up with a strategy in our Irresistible Dating Coaching program for Steven to give it one last try.

Flash forward three months and the couple got back together and Steven proposed marriage to Melissa. Melissa said YES!

We are so thrilled to have helped this couple reunite after the ghosting episode and they are excited about their future together.

In Steven’s words, “Everything is wonderful and I want to thank you for everything. We’re madly in love and I couldn’t be happier.”

Congratulations to Steven and Melissa on your engagement. We wish you much love and joy in this new chapter of your life.

For dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Find out how our Irresistible Profiles and Irresistible Coaching programs will help you find your dream date.

 

Moving From Best Friends to In a Relationship

Relationship and dating adviceDear Julie,

I’ve read your post, Dating Advice: Are we Dating or Just Hanging Out? and I want to ask you about my relationship situation.

My best friend and I just admitted we have feelings for each other. We have discussed what would happen if we did have a relationship and that we’ll remain best friends. He asked me what this makes us. I don’t know how to respond. I was going to say that we are just “us”. No labels just yet. I’m shy when it comes to relationships and I don’t really like other people knowing because I feel judged. I don’t want to call him my boyfriend yet and we aren’t “dating”. Are we just seeing each other?

Hi Autumn,

Some of the best relationship start as friends first, so you’re probably off to a good start.

There’s no need for a label until you start dating officially. Then you’re “dating.” Once you decide to become exclusive, it’s fair to say you’re “seeing each other.”

Eventually you might want to start calling him your boyfriend, but relationship labels don’t matter as much as feelings and if you’re on the same page.

A lot of people get hung up on having the DTR (Define the Relationship) talk and it can make or break a relationship if it happens at the wrong time.

Related: Dating Labels: Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend?

As long as you have continuity in your relationship, keep communicating about your feelings, and are both happy with the pace, keep open to the possibilities of where it will lead. There’s no need to change your Facebook relationship status to make a big announcement. At some point, one of you might want it to become more serious than the other or you may just say you want to go back to friends. Time will tell.

I applaud you for admitting your true feelings and hope this relationship evolves into something that makes you both happy.

Keep me posted!

Julie

Do you have a dating, online dating, or relationship question? Submit your questions here to be answered in our Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love for over two decades.  For more dating advice, let’s stay social and FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter for specials and relationship advice.

Do you want to read our bestselling dating book? The newly revised edition is available on Kindle on Amazon, Barnes and Noble Nook, and in an audio book on Audible!

 

 

Bumble and Spotify: A Musical Match That Will Work

Bumble SpotifyIt appears Bumble has been adding new features to their popular mobile dating app.

First they added gifs from gifphy to up users flirt game, which we adore, but aren’t sure how many people are using them.

Then it was the BFF, where you can find a friend (non-romantic) to hang out with. I actually saw a billboard on freeway on the way to Coachella, so they’re serious about making it a social networking app.

Then they announced that men also had 24 hours to reply to a message from the women to potentially prevent ghosting.

Now on their blog Bumble has announced they will be partnering with Spotify to bring music preference integration to user profiles. This is music to my digital ears and is a marriage I’m quite happy about.

We actually recommended Tastebuds as a potential dating app earlier this year for music lovers.

Here’s how Bumble’s music integration works:

Bumble will allow users to connect their Spotify accounts so that potential matches can view their most played artists and see what music tastes they have in common.

Bumble CEO and founder, Whitney Wolfe, told TechCrunch, “Music says a lot about who we are as people and connecting culturally can serve a foundation for creating meaningful relationships,” so clearly, it was only a matter of time before Bumble and Spotify teamed up for this new feature.

Over the next few weeks, users will be able to connect their Spotify accounts to their profiles. If you’re interested in an artist on someone’s profile, simply click the artist to open Spotify and begin opening your ears (and your heart) to your potential online love’s music taste.

Bumble SpotifyThis update will not only provide users with more information about each other before they decide to swipe right or left, but it will also create a conversation starter. “I see Adele is one of your top played artists. What’s your favorite album?” is a great way to delve into your digital crush’s preferences and show interest in what they like to listen to.

If you’re worried about guilty pleasure artists or songs you listen to that you wouldn’t want a potential digital crush to see, you have no need to worry. The Verge reported that artists streamed during private listening sessions won’t be counted when calculating who your most listened to artists are.

This new Spotify feature will also help put music lovers at ease. If you’ve ever been nervous about handing a new love the AUX cord in the car, now you’ll know their music interests ahead of time and won’t have to spend time worrying if they can be trusted to DJ in the car.

Will you be adding Spotify to your Bumble account?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of online dating and as a celebrity dating coach, has been helping singles on finding love online for over two decades with her Irresistible Profiles coaching programs.  Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online .

For dating advice, like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.

Interested in improving your odds on Bumble or Tinder? Check out SwipingRight to help you find your dream date.

Why WhatsApp is Making Singles Anxious

Mashable Logo

Recently we wrote about non-traditional dating apps that were used to find a date.

When Rachel Thompson from Mashable asked me to weigh in on the anxiety singles were having staring at their SO’s ‘last seen’ timestamp on WhatsApp, the popular messaging app purchased by Facebook for $19 million, I wasn’t surprised.

In her article, The One WhatsApp Feature Can Make or Break Relationships, Thompson took a deep dive into the activity and hearts of singles wondering if their boo was cheating on them, or to check on someone who might have ghosted them. Ouch, it’s a digital pain that stabs at our hearts.

Some singles were staying up until after 3am to see if the person they’ve been dating was awake texting someone. What they knew for sure, is they weren’t the recipient of sweet nothings late at night, or possibly at all that night.

Thompson even spoke to an attorney who was president of the Italian Association of Matrimonial Lawyers who said, “WhatsApp messages sent by cheating spouses play an integral role in 40% of Italian divorce cases citing adultery.”

I told Mashable, “the incessant checking of the ‘last seen’ timestamp should sound alarm bells in your relationship, regardless of what you find.”

“If you don’t have trust in your relationship both online and offline, then then it’s not a healthy relationship and you should think about calling it quits instead of staring at his or her ‘last seen’ timestamp.”

Related: Online Dating Anxiety Disorder: Is it Worse During the Holidays?

via Giphy

via Giphy

Where staring at the timestamp becomes a problem, is when someone stalks an ex, is unsure of their relationship status, and these days, more frequently if they’ve suddenly been ghosted and don’t know why.

This feature, where you can check up on someone to know there digital whereabouts, helps people stay connected, but It can become very obsessive and isn’t limited to just WhatsApp. Some are checking the last online status on online dating sites such as OkCupid or to see if they have a green button on Facebook chat.

Related: Rules of Netiquette: To Snoop, or Not to Snoop

This need to cyber stalk gets worse when the person you’ve been checking up on decides change their privacy status to hide their last seen feature, or even takes it a step further and blocks you. Ouch, again.

Still, the need to peek can become addictive and it can negatively affect a relationship when one jumps to a digital conclusion about the relationship status solely bases on online activity. It appears WhatsApp is now responsible for many breakups.

Are you gazing a little too often at the timestamp feature on WhatsApp?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet and mobile dating apps. Julie has been coaching singles for over 20 years with her Irresistible Profiles programs.

For more dating advice, sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

 

5 Social Media Apps to Help You Find Love

Looking for love online can be challenging and tedious.

Sometimes you’ll find yourself getting burnt out with online dating or tired of swiping right or left on your mobile phone.

When you’ve tried every mobile dating app and website out there and feel you’ve exhausted all of your options when nothing works out, it’s time to switch things up a little and move on to something a bit more unconventional.

The next best place to find a great date online is through your social media accounts, where you’re hanging your digital hat more often.

That’s right, by dating and flirting using Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, you can connect with friends, long lost friends (and loves), and even friends of friends.

Related: Love Reunited: Our Second Chance at Love

Aside from the most popular social media sites, there are a few you might be missing. Here’s a list of five non-traditional dating apps to help you find a new digital crush.

Yelp1. Yelp

Yelp is an extremely social website and easily allows you to connect with singles in your area. All you have to do is search for your favorite bar or restaurant and scroll through the reviews until you find a particular reviewer that piques your interest. Yelp allows you to look at reviewers’ profile pages, which is good for finding out a little more about your potential crush. If you find someone who looks interesting to you, send them a message through Yelp and you could just end up on a date at that bar you both reviewed!

Available on Desktop, iOS, Android

GolfMatch2. GolfMatch

This new app is designed to help golf lovers connect to each other and go golfing together. GolfMatch helps you find like-minded golfers at local courses to share your experiences with. You can even set up a golf game within the app! You can find golfers you’re compatible with based on age, skill level, location and home courses. Your profile will display all of your posts and your golfing background, and you can even post pictures and videos of your golf experiences – think of it like Instagram for golfers!

Available on iOS

Snapchat3. Snapchat

Snapchat is a fun messaging app for sharing moments with your friends. You can take photos or videos, add a captions, and send it to a friend or add it to your Story to share with all of your friends. Snaps sent directly to friends can last up to 10 seconds, while posts on your Story last up to 24 hours. Snapchat may not seem like a conventional way to find love, considering most of the people you may have on Snapchat are your friends, but just think about if a friend of yours has ever posted or sent you a Snap and you noticed someone cute in the background…what would have happened if you’d Snapped them back and asked for that person’s name? Maybe they would’ve added you on Snapchat if they were single and thought you were cute too. You never know until you try!

Available on iOS and Android

Related: 5 Dating Apps That Aren’t Tinder

Yik-Yak4. Yik Yak

Popular on college campuses, Yik Yak is a free social networking app that lets users post brief comments to a message board accessible by any user within a 5 mile radius. The app is completely anonymous and you don’t have to create an account to use it. Yik Yak is perfect for missed connections! Maybe you walked past someone cute on campus, you smiled at each other and kept walking, but you noticed they were wearing a shirt supporting your favorite sports team and wanted to connect. Post a “Yak” and say “To the girl wearing a Dodgers shirt I walked past in the quad earlier, I thought you were really cute. Wanna meet in the same place tomorrow to grab coffee?” You might think this wouldn’t work, but Yik Yak does have some success with unintentionally helping potential couples meet up through the help of the Yik Yak community.

Available on iOS and Android

Venmo5. Venmo

Andy Verderosa from Thrillist says that “In addition to being one of the most game-changing apps of the last half-decade, Venmo boasts arguably the best social feed on any network.” Venmo allows you to send and receive money with friends quickly and without charging you a fee, making it easy to split dinner, send a birthday gift, pay your roommate for bills, or pay friends back for buying you drinks.

The platform operates like a social media feed and shows you your friends interactions with each other, as well as with their friends that you don’t know. Switch over to your friend feed and look at interactions between friends of friends. When you find someone that suits your fancy, check to make sure they’re in your area, then send them a private transaction. The only way to message someone is by sending them money, so you’ll have to send them a small amount (maybe enough for them to buy coffee), then say they caught your eye and you were wondering if they’d be interested in meeting. There’s always the possibility they could deny you, but at least you tried! And you can always get it refunded they turn you down, just make sure you set the transaction to private so that all of your friends don’t see your attempts in case it doesn’t go well.

Available on iOS and Android

At the end of the digital day, any social media platform can be a dating platform if you like. Just remember to be respectful toward others and make sure you don’t come across as weird or creepy. Also, keep in mind, you might not know someone’s relationship status from these sites and they might not have an interest in being approached anyway.

Don’t get your feelings hurt if they don’t respond or if they turn you down – just keep trying again.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Find out how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and has been coaching singles for over two decades.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

A Catfish Tale – Reeling Them In

CatfishThere’s been a lot of talk about ‘Catfishing’ and we’ve been interviewed a lot about how frequently it can happen, what catfishing means, and how to spot a ‘Catfish.’

In this interview and deep dive into ‘Catfishing,’ I spoke with Jasmine Kianfard about why this trend is happening, along with MTV’s co-host of ‘Catfish,’ Max Joseph and my friend and cyber-security expert Alan Silberberg.

Watch the full interview here.

Excerpt

Jasmine: Julie Spira Cyber-Dating Expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating explains how the Internet now presents a sort of free for all.

Julie: “People feel like the Internet has become the “Wild, Wild, West and you can be anything you want t0 be. A woman can pose as a man, a man can pose as a woman.”

Jasmine: Social media is helping to expand this wild, wild west.

Julie: Social media is creating an environment where people have this false sense of being in a relationship when  they’re not.

Related: What’s the Buzz About Catfishing?

The most important thing I say to people is, “Don’t be a digital pen pal.” You’ve got to get offline to see if there’s offline chemistry. Otherwise you’re just flirting with someone and you’re getting a little high that you’re getting from that text message and the customized chirp from the love your life, but the love of your life may just be somebody sitting from behind a computer somewhere.

“For years the number one search term…every year at the end of the year Google puts out a list…is what is love?” says Julie Spira, Cyber-dating expert and author of “The Perils of Cyber-Dating.”

“If that’s the number one search term we know that the desire to be in love is so strong and powerful and if someone can come in and be that knight in white armor and that perfect princess and that dream girl, you get so caught up with being in love with love rather than meeting the person IRL (in real life),” says Spira.

Alan Silberberg talks about digital hygiene and says it’s almost like brushing your teeth and you’ll have less of a risk in having a problem.

Related: From Catfishing to to Online Dating Tips

Related: Is Your Date a Catfish?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over two decades and is the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert.

For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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