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Online Dating: Should I Ask a Woman Her True Age

Online Dating and AgeDear Julie,

I have an online dating question and would love your opinion on this recent emailed dating exchange of mine, on OK Cupid…

Me: How old are you really? 🙂 (Does anyone here tell the truth about his/her age? I mean, besides me.)

Her: How old am I really? I won’t read into this, I’ll just go with it: I’m really not whatever it was I said I was, ha! My photos are recent; age is not something by which I live my life; and I often get mistaken for my daughters’ sister when we’re out together. I don’t look 26 but I don’t look or live like I’m the 50-something I copped to in my profile.

(How’s that for evading the answer? 🙂 Her profile says she’s 51, but she obviously is not comfortable revealing her exact age to me. Should I drop it or press it? Is it too sensitive a topic to expect the truth, even if I myself am truthful? I’ve met women before who’ve revealed they’re as much as 15 years older than the ages they’ve indicated on their dating profiles. And I’m not comfortable or sufficiently evolved enough to date someone who’s 66, even if she is mistaken for her daughter. Thoughts?)

Here’s my take on his dating dilemma.

Women are often very sensitive and about their age and will lie about their age to fit into a search on their Internet dating profiles. Call it a double-standard, but they expect the man to be honest about his age.

Most women won’t even engage in conversation when questioned and will evade the subject. They’ll get offended if you ask what her age is, so I’d say it’s an off-limits subject early on.

When a man used to ask me about my age, I would smile and be coy and say, “It’s not polite to ask a lady her age.”  This practice goes back to early etiquette days,  long before online dating became part of everyday life for singles. Even my grandmother wouldn’t reveal her true age when asked.

Know that physical attraction and chemistry are important. Either a guy will be attracted to someone’s actual photos or to the woman when he meets her in person, or he won’t. I say you should never judge someone by their age and respect her desire to be private about her age until she is comfortable in sharing it. Many women past the age of 40 believe they need to lie about their age to attract a man. They realize that men are interested in dating younger, at least while searching online.

I think your potential date was being polite and sweet by saying, “I’ll just go with it.” If her photos are recent it should be enough. She obviously wants to continue to communicate with you and tried to set a boundary where it comes to age.

Think about how disappointed you would be if you were really attracted to someone, thought you both had a lot in common, had a friendly banter via email, and a phone call or two. It looked promising until…. you asked her if her age was accurate. She gets upset, cancels the date and you never meet.

Often if you meet someone out at a party or gathering and strike up a conversation, you won’t ask her what her age is, because it doesn’t matter. I’m not promoting lying whatsoever, as I encourage everyone to be honest about their age. If they fudge, I recommend they post something in their profile or at least tell someone on the first date the truth.

My best advice is to drop the age question. You don’t know that she’s 66 and you don’t know that she’s 55.  You just know that you might be interested in her and are curious about her real age. If you meet and connect, eventually she’ll tell you the truth about her age. If you’re smitten with her, you won’t mind if it’s 5 years more than you had originally thought. Give her a chance and if you think she’s pretty, let her know. Women love to be flattered and don’t like to feel like their being interviewed or in a deposition.

Julie

Do you have a dating and relationship question for Julie Spira? Submit your questions here:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter and like at on Facebook.

Photo credit: Fotolia

What to Do When He Pulls Back

aWhat to do when he pulls backDating issues seem to be coming in themes these days.

In the past week, three women have come to me with the same dating dilemma. They’ve met terrific guys online. One on OkCupid, another on Tinder, and one on JDate. All three men are super-successful and are very driven in their careers. They’re the guys who are too busy to be players and truly want to be in a monogamous relationship.

In all three scenarios, the men have asked the woman for exclusivity. Sounds great, right? Well, not exactly.

One woman has been dating a terrific guy, whom she met on Tinder. After six weeks they had the conversation about becoming exclusive. They both projected to the future. The problem is, she’s lower on the totem pole, as his work is a priority. The more she tried to spend time with him and fill his calendar with fun events, the more he pulled away. Eventually, he started spending weekends without her, even though there was no one else he was interested in.

The second woman met a great guy on OkCupid, whom she thinks is her soul mate. They’ve both said they’re in love with each other, but after six months of dating, he still focuses on his work and children on the weekends. The more frustrated she gets with the situation, the more distant he becomes. She sees a future with him, someday. But today, she’s walking on eggshells. What should she do?

The third woman met a fabulous guy on JDate. He told her on the second date that he thought he was falling in love with her and saw her in his future. He wanted to see her every night, until one day when he stopped returning her calls and texts. She’s devastated. She thought he was ‘the one.’

If you can relate to any of these situations, you’re not alone.

All three of these guys were building their castles and were defining their success as a man based upon their career success. While juggling children from a prior marriage, a busy career, and girlfriend, the girlfriend ended up in last place. It wasn’t that these guys weren’t crazy about the women they adored. They would do anything for them… if it was on their schedule. They were doing the pull back and these women were hurting at the sudden change of heart.

Between rebuilding from a divorce, keeping a family together, maintaining a career path to provide for financial success for the women, they couldn’t juggle it all. The more the women pushed to be with them, the more they pulled away. It’s the ever-so-common pull back and it’s gut-wrenchingly painful when it’s happens to you.

Ladies: When guys are in work mode, you’ll probably hear from them less.

There’s no need to stress and think it’s over.

My suggestion to all three of them, and to you if this is happening in your life, was to let them build their castle. Be at their side when it’s convenient for you. Don’t send text messages asking what’s wrong, or you’ll run the risk of pushing him away, period. No guy wants to feel like he’s dating his nagging ex-wife. Also, when a guy starts to fall in love with you, he gets scared. There are a lot of reasons for this. Before they make that commitment that seems to be permanent, they might want to view other profiles of singles on a dating site, even if they have no desire to go out on a date. They may fear never having sex with another woman again. A lot of thoughts go through their minds. As they’re processing all of these emotions, they often pull away.

I know it doesn’t seem right. If he’s crazy about you, he should want to be with you, right? Women are built to multitask. It’s in their DNA. Men are most often single focused, and when they’re in career mode, they’re thinking about work and closing the next deal or hoping to get a raise. When they’re with their kids, they’re in parent mode. When they’re with you, they’ll adore every moment of being with you.

Understand that you’re not playing a game. You’re just letting the man lead, which is in their DNA. If you ever feel that your needs aren’t being met at all, then by all means, have a conversation about it, but don’t beat it to death or give ultimatums.  It’s your decision to stay in any relationship. Men will come and go as rubber bands and often they’ll just need the space to be in their caves from time-to-time.  It’s really OK, if they come back to you. In time, your relationship will develop into a groove and you won’t have to worry if he forgets to send you a good morning text. Perhaps he’s just busy. It doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. Give him his space and if you truly are ‘the one,’ he’ll return without even realizing he’s been gone.

Have you experienced the pull-back in a relationship? Your comments are welcome.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She was an early adopter of online dating and has been helping singles find love online for 20 years. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Photo credit: Fotolia

Peril of the Week – Black Card Denied

Peril of the Week - Black Card DeniedThis entry for The Peril of the Week comes from Amanda, a 27-year old native New Yorker who’s living with her parents in Long Island.

We’ve talked a lot about men and women who say they’re single, when in fact, their relationship status is, “Separated, divorce pending.” Amanda’s been dating online and thought she met a great guy with “Jerry.” Can you relate?

Read about Amanda’s dating dilemma and feel free to share yours as well.

My mother always told me I should try dating a man with children. They can commit and you like to cook…She said. (That’s the same logic behind dating a man in prison right? They can commit to hard time and I can bake them pies?) I decided to scope out the single daddy-scene and met ‘Jerry,’ a self described bachelor, father, financier and as I would learn later problem drinker. I arrived at the Jade hotel for dinner wearing leather Prada heels, (which I should have done a lap in beforehand) Paige denim jeans (that made my legs look like stilts), and a sheer blouse which my mother kindly says indicates ?an obvious padded bra.? I may not have Victoria Beckham?s body or budget but I promise you one thing, I am workin’ it.

Jerry was shockingly better looking in person. (Contrary to most dates where the photo sent online looks like George Clooney and you end up meeting his 3rd cousin, a Japanese sumo wrestler.) ‘Jerry’ and I were instantly attracted to one another and we immediately delved deep into conversation. He whipped out his iPhone, displaying a gallery of pictures, his heart melting each time he spoke of his gorgeous children. This quickly switched to talk of his ‘ex’ wife who I could have easily mistaken for Cruella Deville.

‘Jerry,’ a well-known financial executive, traveled often which made me realize a relationship would be impossible. (Why didn’t this occur to me beforehand? Well that would indicate a trace of commonsense yes? ) As our meal progressed, I noticed ‘Jerry’s’ story regarding his ‘situation’ began to crumble.

Although I don’t drink, I do prefer my dates to consume copious amounts of liquor. I find it acts as a form of Sodium Thiopental (Pentothal), commonly referred to as ‘truth serum.’ At the opening of the date, ‘Jerry’s’ story began with, ‘my ex wife and I are divorced and I live in the city.’ Two drinks later, I sleep in the basement of our home. (I asked if he would care for some dessert wine.)

‘Jerry’s divorce turned out to be in litigation and nowhere near final. I was afraid what I would find out if I offered him some SAKE! Was he really a woman? My friend ‘Demi’ told me something very smart once. “It’s very easy for a man to remove a ring. Who knows how many men say they are divorced that we have dated?” Seven glasses of wine later and it was time for the check. ‘Jerry’ pulled out his black card and handed it to the waitress. “I’m sorry sir, it’s declined!” she SHOUTED! I was actually under the impression that black cards had an unlimited spending limit but did someone not pay their bill? He looked as if he had seen a dead relative (shocked) and handed the server another card.

Here is a tip to all men: Call your credit card company before going to dinner and be sure to conjure up a convincing story. Even if it is a lie learn your lines.

Read more of Amanda’s shenanigans at theyoungandthefearless.com

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Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert