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He Texts me Daily. Are We in a Relationship?

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Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Dear Cyber Dating Expert,

I met this wonderful guy online and we connected on our first date. Yes, it was exciting to have chemistry and we kissed at the end of the date.

By the time I got home, my new guy had already sent me a text message saying how much he enjoyed our date and wanted to get together again. I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Suddenly, he was sending me a text message saying “Good morning” every day, checked with me during the day, and even to say good night. Because of our busy work schedules, we had a difficult time putting a second date on the calendar. Actually, we tried several times and one of us, usually him, had to cancel due to business or for some other reason, but I did go to his house to watch a movie a few times. I kept suggesting a real date, like one where we’d go to dinner at a restaurant, but it didn’t happen.

Before the New Year, I realized it wasn’t going anywhere, but had remorse about it over the holidays. I am finding this is common, I mistook his daily texts as effort when he hadn’t made any real plans. He would want to see me day of and I would already have plans. Nonetheless, I wished him a Merry Christmas via text then he wished me Happy New Year so I thought we weren’t entirely over.

Last week, he messaged me again and we flirted and talked about doing dinner on Wednesday. I shared with him that we had amazing chemistry on our first date and I wanted us to get to know each other better over dinner. Sunday night he messages me to come over to his place and stay the night with him and that kind of showed me where I stood. I have been to his place 3 times already! He has never been to my place and why would I stay the night with him prior to reconnecting at dinner?!?!

He called me Wednesday and we postponed getting together to Friday night. He mentioned possibly moving for work, which raised my guard even further. Thursday we exchanged some texts and I haven’t heard from him since. Fortunately I can laugh at it all. I’m glad we never slept together. I don’t go from 0 to 360. A part of me is still a little hurt and disappointed that what I had hoped would happen didn’t. But it takes two to tango and two to make an effort and while passion are SUPER important to me, I need to be romanced a little before I go there.

How could I really believe we were in a relationship and that he was courting me? Did he texts mean nothing?

Disappointed in California

 

Dear Disappointed,

Texting is so easy to do and has become a part of most daters’ regime. However, I view texting as a flirty way of keeping in touch, while you’re courting, dating, or even in an exclusive relationship. Your guy sends you texts to keeping you on the hook, sucked in, with the hope that you’ll think a real relationship is in the cards. He knew your relationship goals, but he was clearly on a different page. Quite simply, he was looking for a relationship of convenience and was hiding behind his mobile phone.

How many women was he texting while making you feel like you were special? Probably many. Invitations to come to his home may have been sent to several women, with the first one to bite ending up in bed with him. I once knew a man who like clockwork on Friday sent a text message to 10 women he either had slept with, were ex-girlfriends, or women he wanted to pursue. He was a classic player. He invited them each out to drinks and whoever responded first was the one he ended up spending the night with. Be happy that you didn’t jump at the chance to be in a girl in rotation.

You did nothing wrong other than open your heart to the possibilities and fortunately not more.

So, keep true to yourself and know there is someone else out there. I would not have ANY contact with this guy. Be open to meeting someone else. I always quote Stevie Nicks from the song “Dreams.” “Players only love you when they’re playing.”

It Sounds like he wanted a relationship of convenience, a hookup, or whatever. When a man wants you to be his girlfriend, he?ll do whatever it takes to let you know and to make sure he claims you as his.

?It didn’t mean there wasn’t real chemistry. Let’s not confuse lust with the desire for love. It didn’t mean that he didn’t like and adore you. Men love the game and love the chase.? As a woman with a huge heart, it’s easy to get sucked in to the possibility of romance and finding someone special.

It’s a new year and time to find someone who’s on the same page. Enjoy the flirty texting, but until two people agree that they’re dating exclusively, they’re not in a relationship.

Julie

Do you have a question about dating, love and romance? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for online dating advice.

Does it Matter if We’re Facebook Official

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Dear Cyber-Dating Expert,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about two months. We met online and decided to become exclusive. I took your advice and we both took down our online dating profiles at the same time.

Everything seems to be going well so far, except for one thing. I’ve changed my status on Facebook to “In a Relationship” and he refuses to do so. He tells me he loves me and I know he’s not looking for someone else, but it makes me uncomfortable.

Why won’t he change his facebook status if he’s proud and excited about our relationship? Should I worry about us, or does it really matter?
Please help.

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

In today’s busy connected world, becoming “Facebook official” means a lot to some people, but not to everyone. If your boyfriend is connected on Facebook with his boss, clients, or other work associates, it’s likely he doesn’t want to mix business with pleasure. There may not be reason to be alarmed.

More often than not, women change their relationship status on Facebook before men do, or if they even the do it at all. Considering he’s your boyfriend and not your fiance or spouse, changing his status shouldn’t really matter. If he has no status at all and isn’t listed as “Single” I wouldn’t be focusing on this one aspect of your relationship.

Everyone’s feelings about social media and digital dating vary. Women tend to post more lovey-lovey couple photos on Facebook than men do. It’s how women tick.

Enjoy the beginning of your new committed relationship and if it continues to bother you, change your status late at night from “In a Relationship” to no relationship. When the timing is right, perhaps you’ll have a digital celebration together.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira

xo

Do you have a question for the Cyber-Dating Expert? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter

Holiday Dating Online: Does It Make You Anxious?

ODADIt happens to the best of us. You go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas to see friends and family, only to be questioned about your relationship status. From “Are you seeing anyone special?” to “How’s your love life?” These are common questions that cause many singles to pull the covers over their heads. Others are being smart about it. They’re logging on for love to find someone to keep them warm during the holidays, or perhaps even attend a holiday party with.

Still, I know how tough it is at the holidays being single. I’ve been there. I’ve watched the posts from others on Facebook who are shared their coupledom with everyone, from kissing under the mistletoe to the eight gifts on Hanukkah, which just magnifies how tough it is being single at the holidays.

Here’s a survival guide to help you through the holidays, online and IRL.

Anxiety over your relationship status during the holidays is common. Add a digital element to it of being connected via email, Facebook, or Twitter and it’s magnified big time. Online Dating Anxiety Disorder (ODAD) is overwhelming. While it isn’t a clinical condition, most singles are now members of more than one dating site. Those who suffer from ODAD know that horrible feeling they get when they push the send button too fast to reply to his or her email and then wait by their computer or mobile phone for the reply to come in. When you have ODAD, you’re a member of so many sites, you can’t remember where you met the date you’re about to have dinner with. Text messages become a part of your dating regime and if the time in between the texts is over four hours, you start to feel anxious and catastrophize.

It can be confusing to hear someone say, “It’s Doug from PlentyOfFish, um, no I mean Match; actually, it was eHarmony right?” This is not how you viewed your first conversation with your soul mate would be, right?

When you suffer from online dating anxiety disorder, you typically log on after a great date to see who else has written to you instead of going to sleep with a smile on your face from a fabulous date. It’s a condition that many suffer from and don’t know how to get out of the downward spiral, other than to unplug and deactivate for a day or two.

If you’ve recently ended a relationship with someone you’ve met online, it’s more likely than not that you’ll be taking a peek at his or her profile to see their online activity. It’s natural to be curious, but it’s a habit that I urge you to break.

It’s also breakup season

Since the famous Facebook breakup chart was released a few years ago, the trend of breaking up during holiday season became a known fact. Digital snooping is also on the rise, especially during the holidays. It brings out the worst in us. At Plenty of Fish, they surveyed over 9000 of their users between the ages of 20 -40 to find out what their holiday dating habits were. POF found that 82% of the women were actually checking the Facebook statuses of guys they were dating to see what they were doing when they weren’t around. Their survey also found that 26% of singles slept with an ex over the holidays, because they just didn’t want to be alone and single.

A few years ago, I wrote a post called, Recycling an Ex at the Holidays about my own personal experience of being invited to my former Match.com boyfriend’s holiday party after having had no contact for six months. While I did attend his company party with him, I made sure there were ground rules put in place; specifically, that we weren’t getting back together and were going as friends.

While recycling an ex over the holidays is common, the feelings after the holiday parties have worn off will leave you in a worse place emotionally than if you put your energies into spending time with friends or trying to cultivate a new relationship.

It’s Peak Season for Online Daters

The good news is that more singles are signing up for dating sites between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. Match reports they see a jump of about 25-30% in new members signing up between Christmas and Valentine’s Day and at Cyber-Dating Expert, it’s the busiest holiday season ever with new singles joining online dating sites and brand new dating profiles being created.

It’s peak season in the Internet dating business, which typically coincides with holiday breakup season. It’s the perfect time to start filling your date card, but how do you coordinate holiday dating without feeling overwhelmed and a bit anxious? My biggest recommendation is to look at online dating and flirting on Facebook as ways to expand your social circle. Think of it as meeting new friends at the holidays and enjoying the company of someone you like, not necessarily someone you’re about to fall in love with.

Online Love is a year-round event

People meet online and fall in love all year long. I know a couple that met online on Christmas Eve on Facebook who are now engaged. I know of another couple that met online on eHarmony on Valentine’s Day who are now happily married. Just yesterday I learned of a couple fell in love at first sight that met on Match. She hadn’t had a serious relationship in over 10 years and now they’re smitten. Yes online dating is a numbers game. You’ll be juggling dates, canceling dates, rescheduling dates, it’s exhausting, but it can be so very rewarding as it has been for millions of others.

Stop Stalking Your Ex

I’m here to tell you that being single on the holidays is fine. We get over it. Stalking an ex online or on Facebook isn’t fine. You’ll feel anxious if you see him or her logging on looking for your replacement. You’ll feel anxious if you don’t see him or her logging on assuming you’ve been replaced. Your heart will fall to the floor when they delete their profile, assuming they’ve ridden off into the sunset with someone else. You’ll be burning up the phone lines if you see a Facebook relationship status change or a photo posted with someone else.

You really don’t know what’s going on in your ex’s mind and it doesn’t matter. All you can control is how you feel about it and what you?d like to do to add more positive people in your life. He or she is an ex for a reason, so please knock them off their pedestal.

Fall in love with you

At the holidays, please take a deep breath; log on to fill your date card if and when it feels good to you, not because you’re feeling lonely. If you need to take a break from dating, that’s fine. There are no rules, other than to fall in love with yourself first. It’s the best place to be to start any new relationship.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace this holiday season, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and was a very early adopter of Internet dating. She’s the CEO of CyberDatingExpert.com, author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For online dating advice FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook.

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Online Dating Mistakes You Must Avoid

Many thanks to ABC TV in Los Angeles for interviewing me on the subject of online dating and mobile dating in a recent segment on the news. They were kind enough to come up with this cute graphic of some of my Top mistakes you must avoid with Internet dating. Ready to fill your date card? I thought so.

ABC - Daitng MistakesWith the holiday surge of singles joining online dating sites, here are some expert dating tips to help you stand out in the crowded digital playing field. In 20 years of online dating coaching, there is definitely a method to the madness.

Here are some Online Dating Dos and Don’ts.

1. Don’t include a list of turnoffs in your profile. We know you don’t like a guy who smokes, so rather than insisting on it in your essay portion, leave it for the multiple choice questions where you say you prefer dating a non-smoker. Once you start listing your dating don’ts, your potential date will view you as difficult and not being able to measure up to everything on your list. Stay positive and talk about things you’d like to do together as a couple instead.

2. Don’t say you want a drama-free woman. Unless you hated studying acting in college, saying you want a drama-free woman sends the message that your ex must have been emotionally draining. No one goes through life without “life lessons.” It gives people character. Guys who write about “drama-free” women are the one’s who have expectations that are too high. Besides, it’s a cliche that needs to be tossed out.

3. Don’t mention sex in your profile. Everyone knows that guys undress women with their eyes, so saying you’d like to meet someone sexy or having a profile user name with a few X’s in it isn’t going to score points. It’s the ultimate turn-off for a woman to read that in a man’s profile. She’ll assume you’ll want to sleep with everyone and anyone. Get it?

4. Don’t start instant messaging right away. Sure the squeaky wheel can get the deal, but being an eager beaver will backfire online.We know your digital crush is hot and you think no one else will get you the way he or she will. Stay out of the fantasy of feeling like you’re in an instant relationship. Sending an IM immediately after viewing his or her profile will send the message that you’re online all the time and could be IM’ing just about everyone. Don’t be that available. Send an email instead and ask if the person is comfortable with chatting online. Not everyone moves at the same digital pace.

5. Don’t tell a woman she is hot. Sending an email to a woman saying she’s “hot” is the equivalent of asking her to go to bed with you immediately. Don’t be surprised if she deletes your email and blocks you. Yes, ouch it hurts, but women want to be appreciated and loved, not looked at as a physical object. Think it, but don’t say it. Find another way to compliment her. Say you like her hot pink dress and that it looks amazing on her. She’ll feel flattered.

6. Don’t wait to long to ask her out. Most people don’t join online dating sites looking for a digital pen pal. Writing back-and-forth for a few weeks will make his or her feelings fizzle, not sizzle. If you feel there’s a connection online, graduate to a phone call and see if there’s any chemistry. If so, make a date to meet IRL. If you don’t someone else will.

If you practice some of these Internet dating tips, you’ll be filling your date card for the holidays. Who knows? You must just be kissing under the mistletoe this year.

What are some of your dating dos and don’ts?

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo.

Watch Julie Spira on ABC-TV.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and was an early adopter of Internet dating. She created her first dating profile 20 years ago and today, coaches singles on the dating scene who are looking for love online. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

Social Dating: Is Facebook Really a Dating Site?

Facebook: Social DatingLet’s face it. You?re hanging your digital hat on Facebook and Twitter a bit more often than logging into your online dating account, and with good reason. You like to see what your friends are up to and cheer them on with an occasional like or two. Staring at Selfies photos can be fun, and watching someone change their relationship status is a golden moment.

Most online dating sites are now entrenched with social media allowing you to upload your photos directly from Facebook and even using the like button for people to vote on their favorite photos of you. This is quite helpful as you can and should change your photos around a bit. If you notice that some are getting more attention, then they’re keepers.

Internet dating has evolved from the early days of chat rooms and dial up Internet to high-speed wireless Internet and now to a social dating experience. From getting dating advice on Twitter from @Match or @eHarmony to checking out your potential date?s Facebook page, while still chatting on the phone with him or her, digital dating has ramped it up a big notch.

When Facebook launched their Social Graph search in January, I spoke with USA Today. The article, Facebook Unleashed Cupid Potential came out while many of the Internet dating executives were at the Internet Dating Conference.

I was quoted as saying:

Dating norms, however, have already taken root on Facebook. People have long-perused the photos and postings of members in the game of attraction, says Julie Spira, a digital-dating maven who runs CyberDatingExpert.com.

“It’s the world’s largest social network, and they could be the world’s largest dating network if they want to go there,” Spira said.

No longer could online dating sites and singles ignore the big digital gorilla in the room. A few weeks later, we debuted Facebook Love Stories, featuring real world couples who met or reconnected on Facebook and fell madly in love.

Cyber-Dating Expert friend Cliff Lerner, the CEO of Are You Interested wrote an interesting piece in Huffington Post entitled, Why Facebook Graph Search Will Make Online Dating Cool.

I have to agree with Lerner. There are some that still think there?s a stigma with online dating, but have no problem contacting other singles on Facebook chat. This my friends is social dating at it?s best.

At the end of the digital day, you need to cast a very wide net. If you?re uncomfortable saying that you?re an online dater, tell people that you?re a social dater. Do whatever it takes to find love, online, offline, and on Facebook.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, on Facebook, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com and FacebookLoveStories.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene and coaches them on finding love online and on Facebook. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like her at at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

 

 

 

 

3 Changes to Instantly Improve Your Online Dating Profile

Online Dating TipsAt Cyber-Dating Expert Headquarters, we hear complaints from both men and women about how every profile seems to look the same after a while. Singles get frustrated too easily, because there are too many choices. As a result, the searching process becomes so blurry, that they often just turn off the computer and go out to hang out with their friends.

Think about it and let’s compare it to selecting the perfect scoop of ice cream to sweeten your palate. If the choices were all vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry, it might not be that inviting as compared to Pineapple Passion Fruit, Cinnamon Buns, or Karamel Sutra, just a few flavors I can’t wait to try when I’m at Ben and Jerry’s.

So without further digital ado and minus the calories, here are a few steps you can do to immediately have a more unique profile, without resorting to posting skydiving photos.

1. Dump the Cliches. Every girl dreams of taking a romantic beach walk or staring at the sunset for a dream date. Let’s take a reality check and ask yourself, just how many beach walks are you going on? Maybe you’ll do so with a date at some point, but it’s oh so boring for them to read this over-and-over again. It goes hand-in-hand with saying you can dress from jeans to black-tie and want a man with a sense of humor. So if you’re asking for a guy who works hard and plays hard, you’re not one in a million. You’re among the multi-million profiles with those same overused words.

Solution: Nix these cliches now and replace them with photos and actions and about what makes you the girl he wants to know more about. If you’re stumped, ask a friend what makes you different and unique. He or she may remind you how you’re the first one out at 6am to clean the bay or love the fact that you volunteer to feed the homeless in soup kitchens on Thanksgiving. Replace the blue jeans to black tie cliche with photos of you dressed in a variety of outfits. He’ll get the picture and will want to see more.

2. Ask a Question. This is something that I believe is an absolute must on every profile. Remember that your profile shouldn’t be a monologue or all about you. You need to start a two-way dialog with your profile as a brief introduction about yourself. ?Your dream date must be able to imagine his or her life with you, not just watching you from afar wondering if he’ll fit it or not.

Solution: Name a few of your favorite vacation spots and ask if your date has ever been there before. List a local mountain you’d like to hike and ask if he’s ever done that before. Mention a rock band that you’ve always wanted to see and ask if you’re the only one who hasn’t seen Lady Gaga in concert. Mention you’d like to take golf lessons and have clubs collecting dust in the garage and ask if anyone would like to go with you to the driving range. This makes it easier for someone to write to you with a specific solution and answer to your question. It will instantly increase the amount of emails that you’ll be receiving.

3. Reduce the word count. Yes, describing your life story should be written in your personal journal and not be on your dating profile. Statistics show that writing a shorter profile will get more responses. Not everyone reads your entire profile and you’ll be lucky if they read the first few sentences. If they scroll down and notice a long-winded profile, it’s likely that they’ll say, “Next!”

Solution: Leave the novel at home. Drop the long drawn out description and reduce your profile by at least a paragraph, if not more. Remember, dating is about getting to know you over time. Details of your relationship and family history and listing every vacation you’ve gone on won’t leave room for imagination. It’s a digital dance, so make it a sneak peek into your life.

Make some of these changes to your profile now and cyber love will just be a click away. Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene.? For more online dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.

Photo credit: Maxim_Kazmin – Fotolia.com

Would You Sleep with Your Cell Phone Waiting for His Text?

Cell Phone Dating - Cyber Dating ExpertAt Cyber-Dating Expert, we like to report on the latest trends in online dating and mobile dating apps. Is the digital world getting more complicated or becoming easier with reliance on text messages?

Our friends at JDate and ChristianMingle just released their study on the impact of mobile phones and relationships based on a survey of 1500 singles aged 21-50, which we’d like to share with you.  I read the in-depth study, The Dating Game: Mobile Technology Redefines the Rules for Singles and realized one thing for sure; the cell phone has replaced a fancy purse as the accessory of choice, that is, unless there?s room for your mobile phone in your purse.

While we know the increase in cell phone usage has resulted in a dramatic increase in sending text messages to schedule a date or to stay in touch in between dates, the alarming data of who sleep with their phone in bed with them is startling. According to the survey, 50% of singles think they might be addicted to their cell phones, with 25% of singles 21-26 reporting that they actually sleep with their cell phones in bed with them. For those who don’t feel the need to cuddle with your mobile phone, we found out that many of you are just an arm?s length away from your phone, which is prominently placed on the table next to your bed or on the floor close by.

Data Before Hygiene

When it’s time to wake up in the morning, what do singles do first? Ahead of brushing their teeth, they reach for their mobile phones. According to the survey a whopping 56% of singles aged 21-26 check their mobile devices for e-mails, text messages, or voicemail (44% overall) as compared to 19% of singles who diligently brush their teeth first before grabbing onto their favorite mobile device.

Cyber Dating Expert JDate Survey

Scheduling Dates

When it’s time to schedule your online date, the survey found that texting is the most popular for those aged 21-26 with 50% saying they’ll text several times a day before their first date. In addition, approximately 1/3 of both men and women believe it’s less intimidating to ask someone out on a date instead of picking up the phone to call. Singles are using texting for digital foreplay and flirting leading up to a date and making reservations for restaurants.

Call me old-fashioned, but I still like to hear the sound of someone?s voice on the end of the phone, even if details of scheduling are done via text. Apparently I’m not alone as the study reported that 68% of singles prefer scheduling a date on the phone as compared to 20% who prefer texting.

JDate -Cyber Dating Expert

Cell Phone and Dating Etiquette

Now that we know the cell phone isn’t going to be locked in a trunk while on a date, who can’t resist keeping it on the table or sneaking a peek? 98% of singles say they put the phone away on a date, but does that mean they’re still not attached? Not really. Somehow 67% of those surveyed found a way to check their phones, either at the table or in a bathroom break.

To the benefit of making us feel good after a date, 78% say they’ll send a text or communication within 24 hours if the date went well. Immediate gratification does have its place.

‘Til Text Do Us Part

When it’s time to part ways, how should you end your relationship? Of course I believe you should have the conversation in person if geographics allow, but at least by telephone so it’s a two way dialog. According to those surveyed, more than 50% said they would consider ending the relationship in a text message if they were casually dating and 24% would break up in a text message, even if it was a serious relationship. Where are your manners?

Read The Text Message Breakup: Who’s Doing It?

At the end of the digital day, I believe in treating someone the way that you want to be treated. Don’t let your mobile phone end up higher on the totem pole than your date when you’re sitting at the table, or you might be the recipient of a breakup text, no remorse included.

Are you using your mobile phones to schedule dates? Would you check your messages while on a date?

Photo Credit – Fotolia.com

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and writes about the marriage of love and technology. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating and coaches singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

 

Julie Spira Quoted in USA Today Love 2.0 Story

USA TODAY JULIE SPIRAAs one who has studied and coached singles on the intersection of love and technology for 20 years, it was an honor to be called upon by behavior and relationship reporter Sharon Jayson for her in-depth story in Love 2.0: The Tech Effect on Romance.

Appearing as the cover story of the USA Today Weekend edition, Jayson wrote about a recent study conducted by online dating sites JDate and Christian Mingle in which 1500 singles aged 21-50 shared their thoughts on how mobile phone technology and texting when it comes to matters of the heart.

The USA Today article makes a bold statement. Jayson reports that “Cellphones and texting have blown up the dating culture.”

With the growth of smartphones, popularity of unlimited texting and data plans, it’s no wonder that singles are relying on their mobile phones to set up a date, cancel a date, make dinner reservations, order theater tickets, and yes, unfortunately break up.

In my conversation with Jayson, she asked me how long I believed a person should wait to return a text message. In my expert opinion, I thought 1-4 hours is polite.

The survey showed a surprising amount of singles (25%) believed that a text from a potential date or romantic partner should be returned within one hour. One hour? Think about it. If you’re in a meeting, on a conference call, on an airplane, or your phone is charging, does that mean you’re not interested? My big concern is the growing anxiety associated with response time for text messages, which appears to be shrinking. Another 25% thought 1-3 hours would be appropriate, followed by 12% who believed 4-6 hours would be fine. Responding immediately came in fourth place at 10%.

Does this mean your significant should go into the digital doghouse if you don’t hear from him or her in 1-6 hours?

When I was asked about my thoughts on breaking up in a text message, I was completely against it. However, the survey found that 59% might break up via text and even 24% had no problem breaking up with someone they were exclusively involved with.

Tone doesn’t come through in a text, and that can lead to misunderstandings, especially when a comment gets misconstrued and “your text may not get returned,” suggests cyber-relations and netiquette expert Julie Spira of Los Angeles. She’s author of the 2009 book The Perils of Cyber-Dating, which includes a chapter on netiquette.

The risk of misinterpreted texts is especially high in new relationships.

“There’s so little you know at that point,” Spira says. “You make all these digital assumptions that it’s one-size-fits-all, and it’s not.”

Sure, many celebrities have done so, including Russell Brand who notified Katy Perry of their divorce in a text message, but is it right?

Would you break up with someone in a text message? Your comments are welcome.

Read full article Would you break up by sending a text in USA Today

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She writes about the marriage of love and technology and coaches singles on the dating scene. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter.

The Text Message Breakup – Who’s Doing It?

text message break up

 

 

 

 

It’s been almost two decades since Carrie Bradshaw was dumped by Berger in a post-it in Sex and the City. Now it appears, even breakups via email are becoming passe and a text message ending has become more popular flavor du jour.

I was interviewed in an article, which appeared on USA Today called Would you break up by sending a text? In the story, relationship writer Sharon Jayson reported that Katy Perry was notified by Russell Brand via text message they’d be getting divorced. Ouch.

Jayson was working on an in-depth article based upon a new survey conducted by online dating sites JDate and Christian Mingle. The study encompassed 1500 singles from 21-50 years of age who were either dating or had been in a relationship for up to two years.

The interesting findings showed the following:

  • 59% of daters might break up with someone they are dating via text message
  • 24% might end an exclusive relationship by sending a text
  • 96% of singles hide their cell phones
  • 67% find a way to check their mobile phones during a date

It’s alarming to me that so many singles make the excuse of going on a bathroom break during a date to actually text a friend about their date or to check their emails and voicemails in between the appetizer and the main course.

Where have all the manners gone?

I’m a big lover of technology and even believe that some digital foreplay and casual flirting via text messaging can enhance your dating life. I also believe, as I share in The Rules of Netiquette, that your mobile phone is not an accessory. It should be put in your purse or your pocket while on a date.

However, lately I even find myself breaking my own netiquette rules and using my cell phone on a date from time-to-time. From checking in on Facebook or Twitter, to snapping a photo of each course of my meal on my cell phone to upload to Instagram and share on Facebook, my cell phone seems to resurface, with permission of course, and never on a first date. It can be fun and flirty, but ONLY if you’re on the same digital page as your date.

You must simply ask, “Do you mind if I take a photo of this beautiful meal and share it on Facebook?” Usually, the answer will be no, go right ahead. But there is a huge difference from sharing your mutual enjoyment of memorializing the date together snapping photos of the meal he selected for you, than checking your phone to see who else sent you a text or a tweet. That my friends sends a message that your date isn’t as important as someone else who might pop up in a text message asking you out for dessert.

Back to the subject at hand, the text message break up. How much are we relying on our mobile phones to help us multitask with everyday chores and matters of the heart? More-and-more every day according to this recent survey. About 25% of singles 21-26 will use their mobile phones to seek out information about a date, with a higher number of 38% using their cell phones to schedule and plan their date. But don’t wait too long to respond to his or her text to accept a date.  Most singles are expecting a response in 1-3 hours now. That is, unless you’re getting dumped in a text message. In that case, lose his or her number, unfriend him or her on Facebook, and put away your mobile phone and take a good walk with a friend.

If singles are starting their digital courtship by asking someone out on a date via text, it shouldn’t be a huge surprise if the relationship ends the same way it started.

As I shared with USA Today,

The risk of misinterpreted texts is especially high in new relationships. There’s so little you know at that point. You make all these digital assumptions that it’s one-size-fits-all, and it’s not.”

Another digital breakup study we reported on showed that 30% of singles admitted to initiating a breakup on Facebook, text messaging or email. By now, we think that number is continuing to rise. Dating site WhatsYourPrice.com’s recent survey of 7,500 of its male members and 8,300 of its female members found that an overwhelming 83% of the men had broken up with someone via text message, as compared to only 18% of the women.

So I ask you, would you break up with someone you were dating in a text message? Is that how you’d like someone to end their relationship with you?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for more netiquette and dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

Julie Spira Helps Sirius/XM Host Date on Match.com

What happens when a radio show host needs help with his online dating journey?

Watch as David Nelson enlists the help of online dating expert Julie Spira in a radio and video series to improve his chances at finding love online on the Steve Malzberg Show.

In this video, David makes the mistake of winking and waiting and does what many men have done with Internet dating; only made decisions based upon the photos.

Julie helps David prepare for his very first online date on Match.com with high hopes that his date will become a success.

Tips include:

  • Arrive on time.
  • Send a flirt text in advance of your date and when you arrive.
  • If you’re enjoying her company, extend the evening to dinner.
  • Read her profile completely before the first date and take a copy with you.
  • Ask her for a second date if the date goes well and put it on the calendar.

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. She creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

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