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How to Tell Your Date You’re Not Interested Without Ghosting

For those of you who think dating is a numbers or a swiping game, it goes much deeper and more personal that. We’re talking about love, big time. How to find it, how to nurture it, and how to keep it.

Dating, especially online dating or using mobile dating apps, continues to grow in popularity, but what happens when you’ve had three of four dates with someone, have had a heavy making out session, or have even gotten more intimate physically, but something just doesn’t click?

Or, what happens when you realize that you have more chemistry with your ex and playing the field didn’t work out the way you had hoped?

In these cases, rather than do a disappearing act and ghost someone, I’m here with some valuable dating advice and to tell you to pick up your big boy pants or put on your shiny lipstick and tell the person you’ve been dating the truth, instead of fading away and ignoring calls and texts. After all, you were in a relationship, regardless of how you defined it.

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How the convo should go when you’re not feeling it

Text exchange

Your Date: I’d love to get together again this weekend. How’s Saturday night?

You: I don’t think that will work.

Your Date: What about Friday or Sunday?

RELATED: The Text Message Breakup: Who’s Doing It?

You: This weekend’s not good. Let’s hop on a phone call, sound good?

Your Date: Sure…

Phone Call (after just a few dates) or In Person (If you’re been dating for a while)

You: I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and have had fun texting you, but I just don’t think we have enough in common for a long term relationship, and I know that’s what you’re looking for. You deserve that with someone. I just don’t think it’s me.

Your Date:  We’re just getting to know each other. We can continue to take the time to spend time together, to see where it goes. There’s no rush.

You: I think you’re terrific. I just don’t think we’re a fit and it’s best that we move on to meet others that we are both more compatible with.

Your Date: We can still date casually, right? I mean, I really like you.

You: I really like you too, but I don’t think we’re a fit. I see myself in a future with someone I’m more compatible with.  We both deserve to find someone that we’re both excited about and I wish you the best in your search.

RELATED: The Dating Expert Guide to Breaking Up

Now, you’re probably wondering why you should go through the agony of having this conversation, when it’s easier to just “unmatch” with him or her and go MIA? But everyone deserves to know why the person they were tongue kissing with has had a change of heart.

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Don’t turn your soon to be ex date into a stalker, over-texter, or obsessive person looking for an answer. Closure is important and healthy for both of you, so you can move on and find someone  that wouldn’t result in having this chat.

Don’t stalk your ex’s social media pages, as it will be harder for you to move on.

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Love takes time and if you’re not feeling it after a few dates, it’s fine to say you’d like to be friends, but most people don’t really mean it. It’s a sugar coated excuse for a breakup, something everyone deserves with dignity when you don’t ride into the sunset together.

Compatibility, chemistry, compassion, communication and closure are my five C’s for finding love in digital age.

RELATED: When it’s OK to Break Up in a Text

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years with her Irresistible Profiles dating services. Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and was the recipient of the 2017 Best Dating Coach of the Year Award.

For dating advice, FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

SIGN UP for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice delivered to your inbox.

3 Reasons Why Guys Ghost

Why Men GhostAs a ghosting expert, I’ve heard every wacky and excuse as to why someone ghosted you.

Imagine this scenario. You’ve been seeing a great guy for weeks now and you think this one’s a keeper.

You get daily texts from him, see him on weekends, and he’s called you his girlfriend.

Then one day out of nowhere, POOF. He’s gone. MIA. No texts. No calls. No dates. No closure.

Here are three reasons why guys ghost after a great date.

1. They have a girlfriend, and it’s not you.

Unfortunately there are lot of people dating when they’re not single. Perhaps the relationship is on a bumpy road, or maybe they want to look at other options. A survey has found that about 40% of people on Tinder aren’t even single. For these reasons, guys swipe right for validation, or because there’s something missing in their relationship. When it gets to the point of getting serious, they have to bail. The easiest way is to ghost and disappear.

READ MORE: Most Millennials Have Been Ghosted

2. They have commitment issues.

Some guys just can’t go the distance. They love the excitement of a new relationship, especially the chase. They go on three-week intervals and when they see they have to step it up to make a deeper commitment, they bail with no trail or reason why. This is painful for women who want closure. They think things are going well and then suddenly their BF goes MIA and ghosts.

3. They’re playing the field.

There’s a lyric in the Stevie Nicks song Dreams, “Players only love you when they’re playing.” Guys like these like to play the field and believe dating is a numbers game. Once their date card is overflowing, someone has to be deleted. When it’s you, you won’t know why. If they text you 3 times a day and call every day and see you on weekends, you think you’re in a relationship. The problem is, you’re just in rotation.

What should a woman do if she’s been ghosted?

The worst thing you can do is to keep trying to reach him. You will appear needy, obsessive, and it will be a turn off for a guy. If he disappears, just realize it’s his loss. There is no closure. You can be sure he’s ghosting someone else right now, while you trying to decide what to text him next.

READ MORE: Ghosted for the First Time

My best advice is to move on and be open to finding someone else. By the time he comes back, and he probably will, you might be in the arms of a great guy, where ghosting is not a part of his vocabulary.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating, Mobile Dating, and Ghosting Expert. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online and helping heal hearts after someone’s been ghosted. Julie’s been crowned “Best Dating Coach” of the year at the iDate Awards and ranks as the most influential person in dating and online dating in social media.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, & Facebook for dating and ghosting advice.

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Photo credit: Fotolia

Ghosting: The Cultural Phenomenon in Dating

Ghosted

Whether you’re swiping left and right on a mobile app or meeting IRL through friends or co-workers, when it’s time to call it quits, couples are changing their relationship statuses by disappearing entirely.

Being ghosted is the coward’s way of breaking up.

Singles are finding ghosting the easy way out. Technology that connects us to find love can disconnect us in a digital split second. One day you’re talking about the future lying naked in bed with your boyfriend or girlfriend and the next day you’re blocked on social media and texts come to a complete halt. Confused by this disappearing act, you find your texts are getting ignored, your phone is blocked from receiving your calls and it appears like they’ve moved to another country or into the arms of another without the decency of a proper ending.

As technology affects all aspects of relationships, I have found myself becoming a ghosting or ghosted expert with the barrage of emails from heartbroken singles wondering what they did wrong to push someone away without the formality of a breakup conversation to get the closure they so desperately need.

According to online dating site PlentyofFish’s survey, 80% of millennials admitting to have been ghosted, or being the ghoster. The trend is rising daily among all demographics. Here are reasons why singles are ghosting big time and what to do instead.

1. You’re a Coward. Gone are the days of “post-it” breakups and even email breakups. You know it’s uncool to play Casper when it’s not Halloween, but you don’t have the guts to tell him or her it’s over. Pull up your big boy or big girl pants and do the deed in person if geography allows. You might get a slap on the face or a confrontation you’d prefer not to have, but have the convo. It might be possible to salvage your relationship through healthy communication, or end on mutual terms.

2. You’ve Met Someone Else. If you’re relationship has been on a downhill slide, you’re probably open to meeting someone else. Often there’s double-dipping involved and there could be an overlap that your new squeeze and old squeeze don’t know about. Tired of living a double-life and rather than coming clean (which means yes, did you sleep with someone else?), you ease into a new relationship and ease out of the one you were in by going MIA. If you think your relationship is over, don’t stay in it for the sex. Make a clean break in person, via phone, anything except disappearing into the arms of another, as your soon-to-be ex will see new photos on Instagram and Facebook and you can expect some nasty texts to appear on your smart phone from someone scorned and publicly humiliated.

3. You’re not Feeling It Anymore. You’ve gone through the motions, have met each others’ friends, talked about being exclusive, and then commit to being monogamous. Maybe he or she was a great kisser and your texts bordered on sexting, but once you slept together, it was plain bad. There’s more to the relationship than sex only, but if you can’t imagine seeing them again after oh so boring sex, you ghost. Not nice. People get nervous the first time they have get naked together. The pressure is on big time. Don’t make it about being incompatible in bed. That’s the worst kind of pain after your partner bears their heart, soul, and body.

Read: Ghosted for the First Time

4. You want to Play the Field. Beginnings are exciting. The first text, the first kiss, the first weekend away, yes, butterflies still exist and everyone is on good behavior. You’re having so much fun with your steady squeeze until you realize that you’re attached, when you really prefer to be single. You decide that the grass is greener when you’re attached and want to fly solo. When you’re solo, you think the grass is greener and want to be in a relationship. Meanwhile, your significant other didn’t do anything wrong. You truly like them, but the shiny new feeling wore off and there’s another cute smile flirting with you right now. What do you do? You get out of the digital handcuffs, disappear and don’t explain that you aren’t interested in spending the holidays with his or her family.

What to do if your significant other ghosts you

1. Don’t Send Repeated Texts that Get Ignored. One-way texts are humiliating and the are self-inflicted digital pain. Staring at your phone waiting for his or her reply can become obsessive. Turn your phone off and go to a movie with a friend, take a walk, do anything but press the send button on another text. If the person you were involved with doesn’t have the balls to end a relationship with a conversation, don’t stalk them online or offline to get closure. It will push them away and it will confirm their thoughts that you’re  a crazy ex.  Go no contact ASAP and text a friend or me instead of your lost lover.

Read: Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

2. Give the Ghoster Space. Sometimes a person just needs a break. When someone tells you they want a break, the initial reaction is that it’s a breakup. After all “break” is the first part of the word, right? Give your Ghoster a few days to sort out their feelings, have some space to think about life without you and they may return. They don’t even think they’ve ghosted you, but you’re hurting big time. The best think you can do for yourself is stay busy with your friends while your ghosting lover is thinking it over.

3. Let him/her Go. People who ghost know it’s not the right thing to do, but everyone else is doing it and it’s become so easy, so why not follow a trend? If someone you were involved with finds you to be that disposable, give them a one-way ticket out of your life.

Ghosters have a habit of not ending it formally, because if their other options don’t work out, they want to have the opportunity to return. It’s not a love hiatus when it’s not mutual and it’s fine to call a ghoster out on their behavior. If he/she ghosts you once, you’ll get ghosted again. Don’t become that person in rotation.

4. Don’t Take it Out on The Next Person. Just because you’ve been ghosted, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable and you should ghost the next person you meet. Treat others the way you want to be treated and let’s stop all of this ghosting once and for all.

Have you been ghosted before? How did it make you feel?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and is the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love online and on their mobile phones for over two decades. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Quote of the Day

Ghosted Quote

Quote of the Day: “When you get ghosted, be happy they’re on a one-way ticket with no return address.”
~@JulieSpira

Many of you have been victims of ghosting. As the ghosted expert, I can tell you I’ve spent hundreds of hours helping singles whose boyfriend or girlfriend disappeared with no explanation. There is no closure and you might find yourself wondering what you’ve done wrong.

Read: Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

I’m here to tell you that ghosting is an epidemic and over 80% of millennials have admitted they have either ghosted or been ghosted by someone they had been seeing. This doesn’t make it right.

Read: Most Millennials Have Been Ghosted

If you are one who has been ghosted recently, be glad they’ve taken a one-way ticket out. Ghosters typically do reappear again. Hopefully you’ll have moved on by then and won’t even remember their name.
If you need closure on your ghosting experience, reach out to us to share your story and we’ll hold your hand and bring back the confidence to get back on that dating saddle.

Read: Ghosted for the First Time

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

For dating and relationship advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt to get dating advice delivered to your inbox.

Read: Confused, Is he Ghosting?