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Most Millennials Have Been Ghosted

Millennials Ghosting

Source: Giphy

Breaking up isn’t hard to do anymore.  All you have to do is ghost and disappear.  One minute you’re texting your steady girlfriend or boyfriend non-stop then suddenly they going MIA with no explanation. It’s simple, but oh so hurtful and I don’t recommend it.

Everyday I hear another story of someone who’s been ghosted, also known as ghosting, or the digital disappearing act. When it’s time to call it quits with your boyfriend or girlfriend, where have the manners gone?

Related: Ghosted for the First Time

One of our favorite online dating sites, Plenty of Fish, just released a survey of 800 singles 18-33, which showed that showing that 80% of these singles had been ghosted.

POF says, “Ghosting” seems to be the new trend when ending a relationship, with the majority of singles reporting getting dumped when the person they were dating suddenly cut off all communication with them, without explanation.”

What do do when you’ve been ghosted?

If you’re steady squeeze or digital crush disappeared, bid a fond farewell and get back on that dating saddle.

The good news from the POF survey on digital dating showed that millennials don’t skip a digital beat when this happens to them. Their report showed that 14.% surveyed wasted no time in getting back into the dating scene by scheduling multiple dates for one night. I’ve always said the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Related: Confused, Is He Ghosting?

Communication is Key

Part of the survey studied the attachment between millennials and their mobile phones. Millennials are so attached to their phones, it’s not surprising that 66% of respondents said their preferred method of communication with an online date is through text messaging, followed by only 14% preferring a phone call.

Mobile dating speeds up the process. The classic “three day rule” of waiting to call after a date has gone out the window with millennials. Now, 20% will contact someone the same day to follow up for a second date after a great first date.  Almost half wait a day or two, while 15% don’t bother at all and wait for their date to reach out first. If you wait the full week, your date might forget your name by the time you call.

POF Millennial Dating Study

Overall, millennials have impacted and changed the dating game quite a bit, but at the end of the digital day, they’re still looking for love. That’s good news for all hopeful romantics. Over 1/4 of the respondents stated they check their dating app once a day, while others admitted to checking in at least 5 times a day.

So log on and keep those push notifications coming.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Ghosted for the First Time

Was she Ghosted?Dear Julie,

I think I got ghosted. I met a great guy at a family wedding. He approached me we spoke for a few hours he asked me out, but I couldn’t go the next day so he asks me for my number.

The twist here is he lives in another state and after he went back next day he disappeared for a week after telling me he wants to come back next month .

I text him and he seems very happy.  He calls, we talk for an hour or so, and he tells me he wants to move to my state. Then he vanishes and doesn’t answer my texts.

I give about a week and a half and write, “hey how r u” and he responds normally and everything seemed to be OK. We text a few weeks later, then once again he disappears.

Related: Confused: Is He Ghosting?

Apparently he told his family that I’m great and cute and have a good personality, but we live far away and he is not ready for a relationship that’s long distance. Being the great over thinker I am, I text him and ask if he can call so we can talk.

He calls and says he thought everything was ok.  Really? He said he might come back after he finishes school in a few months. I am honestly really annoyed that he promised me all those things and then backs out and no contact. What really bothers me is that I still think about it, and wonder, will he ever come back??

Side note there was family involvement so maybe he got scared of that. because his mom said he wanted to pursue the relationship, but not now.  Then she speaks to him again and he says he doesn’t want to think about anyone right now and is concentrating on school.

First the family was in support of our relationship. Now they’re not. What should I do?

Ghosted.

Was she Ghosted?

Dear Ghosted,

As a dating expert, I can tell you, I don’t think you were really ghosted by this guy. You actually weren’t in a relationship. Sure, you clicked at a wedding and had fun. Yes, his family thought you were great and gave a thumbs up. But in reality, he doesn’t live near you and he needs to finish concentrating on school and his education.

He wasn’t your boyfriend who disappeared. He was an out-of-town guy that you connected with at a wedding, which is fun-filled and filled with love.

Related: Dating Labels Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend?

He never promised to be your boyfriend and you had a casual texting relationship His signs make it clear that he isn’t interested in a relationship. By leading you on and continuing to text you, he will give you mixed messages that you’re his girlfriend, which unfortunately you’re not.

Between school and distance, he doesn’t have time for you. I know you wish this was more of a relationship, but it’s not.

My best advice to you is to consider him an acquaintance. Try to find someone you can connect with that lives closer to you and truly wants to have a relationship.

When someone ghosts, they’re in a relationship and then poof, disappear. So if you want to be friends, send a friendly text every few weeks. This is a no-pressure way to stay in touch, without havin ghim feel obligated to be in a relationship he can’t sustain.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Do you have a question for Online Dating Expert Julie Spira? Send them here

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt

The Perils of Cyber-Dating

 

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years.

Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, newly revised for 2016.

Dating Expert Guide to Breaking Up

The Digital Breakup

It’s no secret that January has been known to be breakup month. It’s a New Year and a time for couples to decide whether to move forward or not before Valentine’s. As a dating expert, I’ve worked with couples who said, “Let’s get through the holidays and see how we feel.” Others feel that Valentine’s is around the corner, so they hang in there to see how it goes. Many couples couldn’t decide whether to call it quits in the love department. Many didn’t survive the holidays and it really hurt.

With the new year, singles and couples tend to evaluate the health of their relationships and if they want to sign up for another year, or longer. Some relationships which were in limbo, ended during what seemed to have been the worst time of the year. But lets, face it. Is there ever a good time to break up?

When you see your friends change their Facebook statuses to “In a Relationship” or “Engaged,” you’ll either suffer from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) or FOGO (Fear of Getting Out).

Now that I’ve filled you with acronyms that might hit a digital nerve, a New York Times article by Aimee Lee Ball lists a variety of breaking up mobile apps that will help you dump your not-so-significant other.

As painful a breaking up can be this time of year, know that it’s also time for new beginnings. This is peak season for online dating and many terrific new singles will be joining Internet dating sites in big numbers.

READ: THE BUSIEST DAY FOR ONLINE DATING IS SUNDAY, JANUARY 3rd

The Dating Expert Guide to Breaking Up With Grace

Before you push the send button or ignore his or her texts, read these tips on how to end the relationship without a digital twist.

1. Be sure it’s what you want to do. Once you start the ball rolling with “I’m not feeling it any more” conversations, it’s hard to take it back. I recommend making a list of what you like and don’t like about your current steady sweetheart and see which column is longer. Seeing your deal-breakers in black and white takes the emotions out of a premature breakup.

2. Talk it over with one friend. Find your closest confidant (just one) and discuss your feelings with him or her before you do the deed. Show your friend your list and ask them if they think you’re overreacting to his nail biting habit or her obsessiveness with texting during a date. Some things are deal-breakers. Others can be saved with a healthy conversation.

3. Ask permission to talk about your relationship. While you may be angsting that your relationship is on its way out, your significant other might things are going well. You know how to schedule a date. Now it’s time to schedule a conversation when both of you are present and prepared to talk. Blurting out that you’re not happy the day before his or her big presentation at work would be a huge mistake. Don’t let your emotions get ahead of you.

4. Ask your partner to make a list. Let your significant other know what’s on your list and start off by telling him or her what you like most about them and your relationship. Compliment them on the way they’re a great parent, or admire how loyal and devoted they are to their careers. Let them know the things that have upset you about the relationship and then STOP and LISTEN.

5. Don’t go “ghosting.” While it’s common and the easy way out to ghost or disappear by sending texts less frequently to eventually going MIA, it’s not the right way to end a relationship. If you were comfortable enough to sleep with him or her, you should find it in your heart to be comfortable enough to have the convo. Don’t pull a disappearing act.

6. If it’s over, it’s over. Lots of couples say they need a break, but let’s face it, a break is often just a breakup waiting to happen. Going from being someone’s steady squeeze to suddenly being one of three on their weekly date card won’t make both people happy. Insecurity will emerge and both of you will wonder what the other is doing when they’re not with you. While it’s true that giving your partner space is healthy in a relationship, instead of smothering him or her, if the space is permission to paint the town red and post it on social media in the arms of another, it’s going to go down badly.

7. Unplug from each others’ social media accounts. In my blog on The Huffington Post, “It’s Not Complicated: How to Handle a Breakup on Facebook,” I wrote about the new Facebook tools, which allows you to see less of your former flame, by preventing his or her status updates and posts to appear in your feed and helps you easily untag yourself from photos of the two of you together. I suggest you read it and make the decision mutually as to whether you will unfriend each other on social media. Staring at his Instagram feeds and monitoring her check-ins will make you sick, online and IRL.

If you’ve invested time in a relationship with someone, remember to treat them the way that you’d want to be treated. Have the conversation in person and not via text. I know it’s the easy way out, but some day you just might become friends with your ex, or even end up across the desk from them in a job interview or sales pitch. Always take the high road, even if you’re feeling low.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice and if you need some extra hand-holding, learn how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. Julie’s a  frequent guest in the media on the topics of online dating and mobile dating apps and will help you find your dream date with her Irresistible Profiles programs.

Confused: Is He Ghosting?

GhostingA popular topic unfortunately is the trend of ghosting. If you haven’t heard of the term, it’s when someone you’re dating, even someone who calls you their boyfriend or girlfriend just disappears, even when things appear to be going great between the two of you.

In today’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a woman writes:

Dear Julie:

We have been dating for a month, meeting almost everyday and calling it a real relationship. He even told his family and friends that he is dating me. We had a small argument over a stupid thing then he start ghosting me. I called him twice and sent text messages a few times. After our argument he posted our picture to Instagram.  Two days later, he removed it.

I am confused. I removed him from Facebook and Instagram but he he hasn’t removed me from his Instagram.

What happened?

Ghost Victim.

My reply to this unfortunate dating dilemma:

Dear Ghost Victim,

You’re not alone. Dating someone for only one month is just that; dating. When people are dating, they are often dating others and leaving their options open to possibly date multiple people until they decide to be exclusive.

READ: IS YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND GHOSTING?

Urban Dictionary’s top definition of dating is:

Dating: “Of a couple, to be in the early stages of a relationship where they go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple.”

Being on each other’s Facebook and Instagram accounts when you’re dating is common these days. It doesn’t mean you’re exclusive and it doesn’t mean it will last forever. What I don’t know in your case is what your argument was about, but if it turned him off, chances are he pulled back. He might be dating others, he might just need his space. But if he isn’t feeling good about the two of you, it’s understandable that he’d take photos of you down from Instagram, so other women won’t think he’s taken.

You’ve already reached out a few times. He hasn’t. My best advice to you is to fill your date card, right now. It’s good that you unfriended him on Facebook, but please DON’T stalk his instagram account. I always say, “Seek and ye shall find.” If you keep looking, you’ll probably see a photo of him and another woman, or him having fun somewhere without you.

READ: WHAT TO DO WHEN HE PULLS BACK

One month is too soon for a couple to know if they’ll ride into the sunset together. Ghosting after one month is common, because the level of commitment isn’t there. It’s lazy and cowardly, but it’s the easy way out.

Go out and have fun with your friends. Accept dates. Stop looking on his social media to see what he’s up to. You can wonder why, but put it behind you. He’s just another guy who ghosted because he got spooked or isn’t feeling it anymore.

If he comes back, you might already be in the arms of a great guy who won’t bolt when there’s a bump in the road.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you need dating advice or have a question for Julie Spira? Submit your dating questions here.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet Dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years.

For personalized coaching, find out how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date and sign up for our Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook

 

 

Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

GhostingMany of you have been through this frustrating scenario.

You meet a guy and the chemistry is off the charts. You exchange numbers and start texting regularly. You get in a groove, start dating IRL or just have a regular daily text exchanges and POOF after a few weeks or a month, he disappears without warning.

Ghosting, the cowardly phenomenon where a woman or a man go from really into you to disappearing completely without an explanation is something I’m getting more and more emails about every day.

READ MORE: GHOSTING: The Cultural Phenomenon in Dating

Harriet writes:

I have been on ten or more dates with this guy. We both agreed to see how things go. We both admitted we are into each other and we are not dating other people, however- we are not exclusive.

He had suddenly pulled away without warning after consistently talking for 6 weeks or so.

I am in agony right now as everything was going so well. I know men lie, but why did he tell me he saw a future with me when he didn’t mean it!?

READ:  What to Do When He Pulls Back

My Dear Harriet:

In the world of dating, it takes time to get to know someone.

Six weeks can be a typical time for someone to decide to move a relationship forward to become exclusive.

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain, but did he really lie? He was feeling good about the relationship in the early honeymoon days so he projected to the future because if felt good.

You both decided to give it a shot and for some reason he wasn’t sure. You say you weren’t exclusive, which allows both of you to keep your options open. Now I haven’t spoken to your guy so I don’t know if he pulled away because he was getting too close or pulled away because he met someone else.  He may have unilaterally decided that the two of you didn’t have  enough in common to take it to the next level. He may have been hung up on an ex, not ready, or gone back with her. You didn’t say if you slept with him or not. There are to many unknowns here.

My best advice is to move forward with your life and start dating again. You might be surprised to find someone you even like more than the guy who did the pull-back.

However, you should know that sometimes guys need their space. They go into their caves to think and need time to decide if they miss you or not. It’s true that men miss you when you’re apart. The worst thing you can do if this is the case, is to chase after him wanting an answer, closure, or call him a liar. He was feeling it then. He isn’t feeling it now or may be confused.

READ MORE: Ghosted for the First Time

Just live your life and be open to meeting someone else and realize that this is the typical course of dating. If he comes back, it means he took the time to think about a deeper relationship with you. If he didn’t, it was a six-week casual relationship. Think about it. You might have been the one after six weeks that had a change of heart about him!

Sure it stinks when someone disappears and you’re a victim of ghosting. It’s wrong, but very common these days. People don’t like to have a confrontation so they ghost. Keep me posted and do something special for yourself. Exercise or go to a movie with a friend.

By the time he comes back, if he comes back, you might no longer be interested in him.

Julie

READ MORE: Most Millenials Have Been Ghosted

Robin writes:

Dear Julie,

I’ve been seeing this guy for three weeks now who I met online and we’ve gone out about 5 times. He seemed to be really interested in getting to know me and he sent me texts every day. Suddenly out of nowhere the texts came to a screeching halt. Not one phone call, no explanation. I guess I’ve been ghosted, but why?

My Dear Robin:

Three weeks is nothing in the dating world. If you met him online, chances are he’s still dating online and you both have active Internet dating or mobile dating profiles. He was probably playing the field, while you put all of your eggs in one basket.

If he’s going to ghost you (and boy do I hate when that happens), I’d rather it be sooner than later before your heart was completely invested. Chances are he met someone else or even already had a girlfriend when he first started contacting you and was testing the water. We unfortunately live in a world with too many options these days. One uncertainty leads to logging on to a Tinder profile.

Sure an explanation would have been good, but in today’s digital world, texting plays a huge part in the courting  process. Since he didn’t send you a text to say, “Sorry, I don’t think we’re a fit,” he just may plan on reaching out again in a few weeks after he sees what else is out there. Hopefully by then, you’ll have met someone and won’t have any interest in the disappearing ghosting guy.

Keep me posted.

Julie

Have you ever been ghosted?

Send your dating questions and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Need help with your Tinder profile? Find out how our Swiping Right program will help you find your dream date.

 

 

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