You meet a guy and the chemistry is off the charts. You exchange numbers and start texting regularly. You get in a groove, start dating IRL or just have a regular daily text exchanges and POOF after a few weeks or a month, he disappears without warning.
Ghosting, the cowardly phenomenon where a woman or a man go from really into you to disappearing completely without an explanation is something I’m getting more and more emails about every day.
I have been on ten or more dates with this guy. We both agreed to see how things go. We both admitted we are into each other and we are not dating other people, however- we are not exclusive.
He had suddenly pulled away without warning after consistently talking for 6 weeks or so.
I am in agony right now as everything was going so well. I know men lie, but why did he tell me he saw a future with me when he didn’t mean it!?
My Dear Harriet:
In the world of dating, it takes time to get to know someone.
Six weeks can be a typical time for someone to decide to move a relationship forward to become exclusive.
I’m so sorry that you’re in pain, but did he really lie? He was feeling good about the relationship in the early honeymoon days so he projected to the future because if felt good.
You both decided to give it a shot and for some reason he wasn’t sure. You say you weren’t exclusive, which allows both of you to keep your options open. Now I haven’t spoken to your guy so I don’t know if he pulled away because he was getting too close or pulled away because he met someone else. He may have unilaterally decided that the two of you didn’t have enough in common to take it to the next level. He may have been hung up on an ex, not ready, or gone back with her. You didn’t say if you slept with him or not. There are to many unknowns here.
My best advice is to move forward with your life and start dating again. You might be surprised to find someone you even like more than the guy who did the pull-back.
However, you should know that sometimes guys need their space. They go into their caves to think and need time to decide if they miss you or not. It’s true that men miss you when you’re apart. The worst thing you can do if this is the case, is to chase after him wanting an answer, closure, or call him a liar. He was feeling it then. He isn’t feeling it now or may be confused.
Just live your life and be open to meeting someone else and realize that this is the typical course of dating. If he comes back, it means he took the time to think about a deeper relationship with you. If he didn’t, it was a six-week casual relationship. Think about it. You might have been the one after six weeks that had a change of heart about him!
Sure it stinks when someone disappears and you’re a victim of ghosting. It’s wrong, but very common these days. People don’t like to have a confrontation so they ghost. Keep me posted and do something special for yourself. Exercise or go to a movie with a friend.
By the time he comes back, if he comes back, you might no longer be interested in him.
I’ve been seeing this guy for three weeks now who I met online and we’ve gone out about 5 times. He seemed to be really interested in getting to know me and he sent me texts every day. Suddenly out of nowhere the texts came to a screeching halt. Not one phone call, no explanation. I guess I’ve been ghosted, but why?
My Dear Robin:
Three weeks is nothing in the dating world. If you met him online, chances are he’s still dating online and you both have active Internet dating or mobile dating profiles. He was probably playing the field, while you put all of your eggs in one basket.
If he’s going to ghost you (and boy do I hate when that happens), I’d rather it be sooner than later before your heart was completely invested. Chances are he met someone else or even already had a girlfriend when he first started contacting you and was testing the water. We unfortunately live in a world with too many options these days. One uncertainty leads to logging on to a Tinder profile.
Sure an explanation would have been good, but in today’s digital world, texting plays a huge part in the courting process. Since he didn’t send you a text to say, “Sorry, I don’t think we’re a fit,” he just may plan on reaching out again in a few weeks after he sees what else is out there. Hopefully by then, you’ll have met someone and won’t have any interest in the disappearing ghosting guy.
Keep me posted.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Send your dating questions and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Need help with your Tinder profile? Find out how our Swiping Right program will help you find your dream date.
Our friends at Match teamed up with Wella for a #LoveisintheHair survey to of online daters on Match to find out what the guys and gals had to say about women and their hair color and styles.
Check out this fun Infographic and maybe try a new hairstyle for your next date to mix it up.
Some of the key findings are:
- Blondes have more long-term relationships.
- Brunettes have more first dates.
- Almost half of the women think that sleek and straight hair makes them feel more confident.
- Almost half of the single men found women with curly hair to be more irresistible
- 1/4 of single men find women with straight-sleek hair to be more wife-worthy
- 1/4 of single men find women with hair in braids to be more sporty
Does this mean you need to run to the hair salon and change your color and style? I say no. The number one attraction to a man will always be confidence, so ladies…smile be confident, be happy both on the Internet and offline and he’ll be enjoying his date with you.
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for online dating advice.
Today, Meghan Trainor released her song, “Dear Future Husband” on Cosmopolitan and we couldn’t resist sharing it for our Cyber Love Song of the Week.
Besides, being adorable and poppy, she provided a list of things if you’d like to be her “one-and-only.”
Her list will show her future husband why she’ll make the perfect life. From going on a date, being treated like a lady, remembering anniversaries and more, this pop song will be enjoyed by both girls and guys who are confused about dating online or IRL. (She even gives a shout out to POF).
Enjoy the music!
Click here for more Cyber Love Songs.
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for free Weekly Flirt for dating advice.
It’s with great enthusiasm to announce that my friend Serena Ehrlich, known to most of you as @Serena on Twitter, will be co-hosting #DateChat on Thursday, March 5th at 5p/PT, 8p/ET.
This week’s topic will be Starting over Online: What to do when you’re newly single. How do you navigate online dating, not get frustrated with Tinder, OkCupid, and find quality dates online. We’ll be talking about the best dates, worst dates, and how to get noticed online.
We’ll also be talking about the new Tinder Plus: The Premium service just launched by Tinder for $9.99/month.
We know everyone is swiping left and right on Tinder, but are they really meeting up IRL? How can Tinder be successful now that they plan to monetize their app with ads for free users, while allowing paid users to go back and find that swipe made in error to the left and cast a wider net by allowing users to search in other cities and countries?
Meet our Co-host: Serena
Serena Ehrlich, Director of Social and Evolving Media, is responsible for Business Wire’s internal and external content marketing, ranging from PR programming to social media updates to content development and amplification. With more than 20 years of experience in the content distribution industry, Serena understands both sides of the content and news industry – from creating compelling content that activates audiences, to understanding how distribution can amplify and impact news results.
A 1991 graduate of Brandeis University, Serena is also the membership chair of the international Social Media Club and is a past board member of the Dallas and Los Angeles local NIRI (National Investor Relations Institute) boards of directors.
How to join us for #DateChat
It’s easy to join us for #DateChat. You can just search for the keyword of #DateChat on Twitter, hootsuite, tweetdeck or other social media management software, or take it a step further and go to TweetChat.com or Nurph.com and type in the hashtag of #DateChat. Both TweetChat and Nurph will show you the entire conversation of #DateChat users without having to type in the hashtag on each tweet. Make sure you’re also following @Serena and @JulieSpira.
Last week, we had a great conversation on #DateChat with guest host @StephanSpeaks. Here are some highlights for your viewing pleasure.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com and host of #DateChat every Thursday on Twitter at 5p/PT, 8p/ET. Julie was an early adopter of online dating, having created her first profile over 20 years ago. Today she helps singles on the dating scene with Irresistible Profiles for dating sites and helps them swipe right every day on Tinder.
The beauty of online dating is that it’s available 24-hours a day and you can meet anyone from a neighbor with a mobile dating app to someone from another continent.
The fine folks at Zillow took a poll of the best cities to find love in 2015 by looking at locations with more than 250,000 residents.
This infographic below lists the best cities of eligible single men and women who could afford a night on the town based on:
- The percentage of singles.
- The percentage of singles who moved to town in the past year.
- The median disposable income among single residents (median income minus median rent).
- The number of restaurants, movie theaters and other date spots per capita.
Based on that data, the 10 best cities for love are:
- Washington, DC
- St. Louis
- San Francisco
If your city isn’t on the list, perhaps it’s time to cast a wider net and expand your search by changing your zipcode.
If you’re in Washington, you’re in luck as that city ranks at the top of the list to find singles looking for love.
If you’re living in Los Angeles, why not seek out someone special in the Bay area? According to this list, San Francisco ranks at number 9 and is the only city on the west coast that made the list. If you can’t fathom even dating someone on another freeway, no need to fret.
Even though LA missed the top 10, the data shows it’s 58% single with 2.7% of that single population recently moving to town. We measured the number of date spots per capita and LA has 33 date spots per every 10,000 people, which is pretty high comparatively. Date spots include: restaurants, bars, nightclubs, coffee shops, live music hangouts, theaters and parks. The final metric was disposable income, LA has a median disposable income of $7,570 – lower than all of the top-ranked cities.
Would you date someone in another city or state? Would you move for love?
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com and host of #DateChat on Twitter on Thursdays at 5p/PT, 8p/ET. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert, and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Although online dating has been around for over 20 years, it’s no secret that online dating has become a pop-culture phenomenon over the last several years. Singles seem to be obsessed about their online dates and the quest for find their one in 40 million has become a daily activity.
According to a Pew Internet research study, the stigma of online dating has pretty much dissipated, with the majority of Americans thinking Internet dating is a good way to meet.
In fact, in 2011 Match.com reported that one in five relationships start online. While it may seem like a simple process- upload a photo, write a little bit about yourself and then find people who you “match” with- the psychology behind it is very interesting.
Mobile dating apps are all the rage with 66% of online daters saying they’ve gone on a date with someone they’ve met through a mobile app.
Here are some interesting facts you might not be aware of.
Evolutionary Psychology of Online Dating
One area of psychology that can be connected to online dating is evolutionary psychology. Evolutionary psychology attempts to explain useful mental and psychological traits, including perception of others.
As humans, we have a tendency to attribute positive characteristics like intelligence or honesty to those who we think are physically attractive. Evolutionary psychologists have argued that this may be because physical characteristics can be indicative of fertility and health, which are important to our survival and reproduction as a species. Research has also shown that couples tend to be similarly matched in attractiveness. In most cases, people determine whether a potential partner is attractive, evaluate whether they would be categorized as more, less or equally attractive and then decide whether to move forward based on this information. It’s all about psychology, people!
Lying and Deception
Another interesting topic regarding the evolutionary psychology of online dating is the topic of lying and deception. While 94% of online daters deny their profile contains any false advertising, I think most people can attest to the fact that that number is inflated. Why do people feel the need to lie on their profiles? And what type of repercussions could this have on their dating life when their date finds out about the fibs?
To learn more about the psychology behind online dating, check out this infographic from eLearners.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com, where they create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene and is the host of #DateChat on Twitter on Thursdays at 5pm/PT, 8pm/ET. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
It’s official! Singles are so attached to their mobile phones, that the sound of the chirping at night will actually wake them up to find out if their digital crush is sending a good night text saying, “Sweet dreams” to help them sleep better.
In the 5th Annual Singles in America Study released by Match, they focus on digital dating habits of 5,675 singles in the U.S. between the ages of 18 to 70+.
The study showed that singles looking for love online go on more dates than those who meet in bars or offline with online daters going on an average of 4.2 dates in 2014, as compared to offline daters who went on an average of 2.8 dates.
According to the study, 82% of singles went on a date in 2014 with someone they met online, as compared to 49% of those who were dating offline. The study also stated that online daters are looking for a more committed relationship, are more likely to be more educated, and have full time jobs.
While this makes a lot of sense with the huge dating pool and the focused activity of logging on daily to look for a date, as compared to going out organically, it reinforces what we already know: Online dating is efficient. It’s available 24-hours a day and if you take advantage of the matching features of many dating sites, you will be able to fill up your date card.
Since 60% of singles log onto social networking sites for an average of one-hour per day, start liking the posts of someone you might have a digital crush on, remember to use spell-check and grammar check, and mind your texting manners to capture his or her heart.
Texting Etiquette Dos and Dont’s from Single Men to Women
1. Do post photos
2. Don’t text more than once before a reply
3. Do post sexy texts
4. Don’t text during work hours
5. Do post emoticons
6. Don’t post slang (LOL, OMG, etc.)
Texting Etiquette Dos and Dont’s from Single Women to Men
1. Do post photos
2. Don’t post sexy texts
3. Do post emoticons
4. Don’t post sexy photos
5. Do post slang (LOL, OMG, etc.)
6. Don’t text more than once before a reply
Full report and details at SinglesinAmerica.com
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating, having created her first profile over 20 years ago. Julie’s the host of #DateChat on Thursdays at 5pm/PT on Twitter and the founder of CyberDatingExpert.com where they create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Sometimes it’s great to be impulsive and go on a last minute date, but in the case of this female dater, she would have been better off if she had gone with a friend or knew her date better before their first concert date.
Wondering what happened? Read the latest entry to the Peril of the Week and find out why this date went south.
This past week, I had an amazing opportunity to see one of the world’s most iconic musicians, Stevie Wonder in concert. But I needed someone to go with. On a whim, I mentioned this to someone I was chatting with on OK Cupid. He jumped at the chance to go.
I did have hesitations on whether or not to go to a concert on a first date but given the superstar playing, I simply assumed there would be enough going on to make even the most awkward date, ok.
I was wrong.
After arriving an hour late, my date suggested I drive to the venue, and could we stop for beers in advance. While I don’t drink, I do understand the importance of the pre-party so I obliged.
Unfortunately, my date decided this would be a great time to down several 20 oz. beers, and this was all before he pulled out the 5th of generic whiskey to wash it down. At this point, he shared with me that he had just started drinking again this year and we hadn’t even gone into the concert yet.
Once inside the venue, my date was determined to get us backstage.
If you know me, you know how much I love this. All you have to do is figure out where the easiest way is to get on the floor and head that way. Right?
No. Not for my date. Perhaps it was the alcohol at this point, but let’s just label this endeavor a mistake.
We did find better seats though, maybe not the floor, but certainly better than our last row tickets. But this was not enough for my date and the mood was set for the concert and the mood was not fun.
Imagine being seated next to someone exceptionally hyper, very buzzed and wanting more than what we have. It was not fun…so not fun that half way through the show, I suggested we leave.
I still can’t believe that a 47-year old man chugged three 20 oz. beers and then pulled out a flask of Old Grandad before walking into a concert for a first date.
Do you have a story for the Peril of the Week?
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter, and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert
Photo credit: Fotolia
It’s exactly one month until Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, there’s no need to hide under the covers. If you’re dating someone, but he hasn’t asked you to be his Valentine just yet, here are some tips to enjoy the day, regardless of your relationship status. Remember, Valentine’s is on a weekend this year and it’s also during President’s Day weekend, so think big and be optimistic.
1. Ramp up Your Online Search
Let’s face it, everyone seems to be online theses days, so if you’re not logging on EVERY day, checking your matches and responding quickly to his emails, some other girl just might get his attention faster. It’s true what they say that the squeaky wheel gets the deal. If you can carve out time to go to the gym, you should be able to schedule time to log on daily. Make sure you’ve signed up for notifications of when someone has emailed you or made you their favorite so you can respond quickly. Ditch the old waiting game rules. This is how the digital dating world words.
2. Keep Swiping Right
If you’re on Tinder, Hinge, or are using the mobile dating apps from your favorite online dating site, make more of an effort to log on and swipe right to your matches. It’s really a numbers game. Unless your match is advertising for a hookup or looks like an ax murderer, swipe right and take a moment to say hello. A guy will be flattered to see the notification that you’re digging him digitally. Remember to take your relationship from online to offline so you can meet IRL.
3. Attend Singles Events
The one thing about singles events is, everyone is in the same boat. They’re single and are hoping to connect with someone. Check out Match.com’s Stir events in your city, RSVP to a MeetUp for a subject you’re passionate about, and attend business networking events. The more you’re out there in the public, the more opportunities you have to flirt with a potential date. Remember not to be too coy. Be bold and smile. Dr. Pat Allen, author of
“Getting to I Do,” suggests the five-second stare. It may feel like an eternity, but it may bring you closer to that cute guy across the room. P.S. Remember to wear red! It’s the color of love and romance and is known to attract men.
4. Text an Ex
Did you know that 20% of singles do text an ex on or around Valentine’s Day? So if both of you are single, why not get together and go down memory lane. Make sure you’re on the same page and just enjoy the evening. You may not be rekindling, but the familiarity might just make it a fun evening rather than flying solo.
5. Don’t Go Overboard
From going to an amusement park to ride the Ferris Wheel to taking a cooking class or going ice skating, make Valentine’s Day a no-pressure experience if you’re in a new relationship and aren’t exclusive yet. There’s no need to break the bank.
Being single on Valentine’s isn’t the end of the world. Sure you go into stores and see nothing but boxes of red candy and roses throughout the grocery stores, but a new survey from U.K. online dating site Smooch.com shows that only 10% of the 2000 singles polled actually love Valentine’s Day. Are the other 90% pretending to go along with the program?
Grab your BFF’s, dress in pink or red, and head to the movies or a concert together. Valentine’s Day isn’t always about love. It’s about spending quality time with someone you really like.
Are you a fan or foe of Valentine’s Day?
Photo credit: Fotolia
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Come one, come all to the Internet Dating Conference, the largest conference about online dating!
The 40th iDate Conference will be held at the Tropicana Hotel on January 20-22, 2015 and I’ll be on hand on three panels and will be presenting the Best Mobile Dating App at the iDate Awards on the evening of January 21st.
Here’s the rundown of events for Online Dating Expert Julie Spira
- Wednesday, January 21: CNN Panel: Focus on Content Marketing and Industry Trends – 3:30pm Cohiba 6 & 7
- Wednesday, January 21: iDate Awards – 7pm, Tropicana, Cohiba Ballroom 1
- Thursday, January 22: Essence Panel – How Date Experts on How to Use PR and Build Their Brand – 1:30pm
- Thursday, January 22: Final Debate: 4pm
For a $50 discount and to purchase tickets and register for iDate, click here.
View our video below for details on the panels.
I’ll see you in Las Vegas!
Follow @JulieSpira for online dating advice.