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Boyfriend is on Tinder. Should I Break Up

Boyfriend on TinderEvery week I seem to get asked a similar question from a woman whose boyfriend is still on Tinder wondering if they should break up.

Here’s Nina’s story.

Hi Julie,

I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and just this morning we had a conversation where I asked him if this is what he really wanted (committing to being in a relationship with me), and he said, “Yes, this is what I want. I love spending time with you, I love how you make me feel (…)”.

I created a fake tinder profile a couple of weeks ago and swiped right on him. To my dismay, I just checked it and he had matched with “me” (picture and name of a different person, hence the fake profile) 9 hours ago (this morning right before our conversation.

My question now is what to do. I don’t feel I can trust him now as he had before said he was not talking to or seeing any other women. I feel a little betrayed. Should I confront him about this and tell him how I found out, or let it slide, or break up? Honestly don’t know what to do.

Nina

Should She Break Up With Him?

Dear Nina,

I’m sorry you’re going through this relationship anxiety with your boyfriend. This is the top question I get from female readers. (See the other links in this article from other women). They find out their boyfriend is on Tinder and want to dump him or don’t know what to do. I appreciate your honesty on how the past month has developed with your boyfriend. Let’s talk about a few things. I’m here to help you, but this is going to be tough love my friend, so get ready.

  1. You’ve been in a relationship for three months.

Three months is still new for a relationship. It’s the honeymoon stage, where everything is fresh and exciting. It’s the perfect stage, as you haven’t moved into a routine. Many relationships breakup at the three-month point, as some people only like the beginning stages of a relationship and don’t want to get serious. From where he sat, he probably enjoyed dating you and hadn’t moved to a more serious stage yet. He wanted to look at options.

  1. You asked your boyfriend if he wanted to be in a committed relationship.

You were happy enough with him to want your relationship to be exclusive. You asked. He answered. He might have told you what you wanted to hear, but he didn’t come out and ask you first to be in a committed relationship, although he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else.

Chances are he wanted to see where the relationship was going to go and got caught up in the Tinder swiping game. It happens a lot. If you’re sleeping together, he also might not want to give that up. He’s a guy. It’s how men are wired. You also don’t know if this morning when he said he loved how he felt with you, that he had swiped for the last time and was ready to delete his Tinder account, right?

RELATED: HELP! I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND ON TINDER

  1. You created a fake Tinder profile after 2 months.

In all honesty, this is where the problem started. There’s a saying, “Seek and ye shall find.” Why did you create a fake Tinder profile to try to catch him? Probably because you weren’t sure he wanted to be exclusive with you.

Let’s talk about trust. It works both ways. You felt insecure about your relationship status early on and didn’t trust him. You wanted to catch him and behind HIS back, logged on as a fake person to see if he’d take the bait. It worked, he’s busted and now you’re unhappy. No guy wants to feel like his girlfriend is checking up on him, even if it’s innocent.

I’m not sure if you met on Tinder and if you took your profile down and he didn’t, but at two months, he probably wasn’t ready to be exclusive, or he would have said so. When a man wants a woman to be his, he does what it takes to make her is girlfriend. That includes taking down all dating profiles in good faith to see where the relationship will go.

The moment you think someone’s cheating or looking elsewhere is the moment you realize something isn’t right. Rather than seeing where your relationship would go over time, you tried to catch him, and you did.

  1. Tinder is a dating site with many users who aren’t single

Here’s a shocking fact. A GlobalWebIndex survey found that that 42 percent of Tinder’s members are already in relationships. Think about it. Almost half of the users are playing around on Tinder. Some are swiping only. Others are chatting only. Many are meeting and hooking up. Your boyfriend may be one of those 42%.

It would be one thing if someone in a relationship was on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram all of the time. They’re social networking sites. Many people are finding love on social media, but Tinder is a dating (and even known as a hookup) app. If you’re in a relationship and someone is active on a dating app, guess what? It’s wrong. I don’t care about the percentages, it’s wrong, period. Having an active profile on Tinder when you’re in a relationship tells the world that you’re single and looking. From your boyfriend’s perspective, he thought he was single and was keeping his options open. He also swiped on your fake profile before you had the conversation.

I understand that some guys and women too, like the validation they get when someone swipes right on their profiles. It’s a digital ego stroke. I also know that Tinder is like a game and people like to see who is out there and swipe right and never speak.

The problem Nina is something’s off in your relationship. You weren’t on the same page at the same time. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t have created a fake profile after two months. You know that a relationship is based on mutual trust. Without it, it cannot survive in the long haul.

RELATED: HELP! MY BOYFRIEND WON’T TAKE HIS TINDER PROFILE DOWN

  1. To Break Up, or Not to Break Up

I can’t tell you to break up with someone if you think he’s your soulmate. Something is missing in your relationship if he feels the need to communicate with women on a dating app. Something is also wrong in your relationship if you feel you need to check up on him. Something is wrong if he’s not happy with himself and needs the validation. The bottom line is, something is wrong.

He says he’s happy and loves spending time with you, which is probably true. But he’s also happy swiping right on Tinder.

I know if it were me, I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s a deal-breaker. I’d want to be in a relationship built on mutual trust. I can’t say if it’s a deal breaker for you, but as soon as you tell him you’ve busted him with a fake Tinder profile, or make up a white lie and say that someone found him on Tinder, I guarantee he will break up with you. You’re asking me if you should break up with him. I think you know the answer. The trust isn’t there.

So you can continue to be quiet and log onto your fake profile to see the exact moment he last logged on and make yourself sick in the process, or try to find someone who will think you’re amazing enough to ditch the dating apps to be in your arms. The choice is yours. I can only hope that you take your fake profile down and never create another one to try to snoop on a guy you really like.

I’m sorry you’re going through this now, but being on a dating site when you’re in a relationship is disrespectful. So is trying to catch him with a fake profile.

My best advice to you is as follows: The next time to have trust in a new relationship. Let it unfold naturally. Men don’t like being with an insecure needy person. If you felt the need to snoop, it was doomed.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

RELATED: DATING IN A TINDER WORLD

Do you have a dating question for Julie? Send your questions here:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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Best and Worst Cities for Online Dating

Best cities for online dating

When you’re single and really want to meet someone, you’ll say that the city you live in is the worst city for dating.

While you might feel that way, this report and findings from WalletHub of the 150 most populated cities in the United States will show you exactly which cites are the best based on “Dating Economics” and “Romance & Fun.”

Whether it’s the cost of the movie ticket (California was the worst), or the price of going to a beauty salon or to a bar for drinks, find out what challenges you might have in the city you reside in.

Better yet, I always recommend casting a wider net and changing your zip code to another city. Why not move for love? Why not go on a date when you’re traveling in another city?

So here’s the news in a digital nutshell.

The best cities for online dating:

  • Gilbert, AZ
  • Irvine, TX
  • Plano, TX
  • Fremont, CA
  • Overland Park, KS

The worst cities for online dating:

  1. Detroit, MI
  2. Brownsville, TX
  3. Laredo, TX
  4. Memphis, TN
  5. Cleveland, OH

 

Best Online Dating Cities

The highest movie ticket costs and highest beauty salon costs were all in California. So yes, dating in California is expensive.

Thinking of moving to another city to find love? Check out how they rank here.

Highest percentage of single persons:

  1. Detroit, MI
  2. Washington, DC
  3. Cleveland, OH
  4. Rochester, NY
  5. Atlanta, GA

Lowest percentage of single persons:

  1. Fremont, CA
  2. Gilbert, AZ
  3. Plano, TX
  4. Overland Park, KS
  5. Chesapeake, VA

Are you interested in their other findings? Here’s the full list, so you can decide where to go searching for dates before opening your wallet.

Where does your city rank on this list?

Source: WalletHub

Need some extra hand-holding? You’re not alone. Find out how our Irresistible Profiles and SwipingRight programs can help you find your dream date.

Follow Online Dating Expert @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Singles Holiday Dating Survival Guide

Holiday Dating survival guide

Baby it’s cold outside! It’s that time of year when holiday invites are pouring in and your single status might make you want to hide under the covers.

It’s safe to say that emotions are flying high during the holidays for singles, new couples not sure how to define themselves, those who have had a recent breakup, and those who are tired of hearing from their relatives about their relationship status.

The holiday period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s brings up a lot of emotions. In the words of Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks from the song Dreams, it’s natural to think of memories of what you had and what you lost. The band also sings about how “You make loving fun” so don’t turn down the volume just yet. Listening to music this time of year can give you both strength and send you down memory lane.

One thing I know for sure, is my phone is ringing with singles wanting to connect and meet someone new to share the holidays with, so there are plenty of singles looking for love online now.

Still, I know how tough it is at the holidays being single. I’ve been there. I’ve been watching the abundance of posts on Facebook of couples who are changing their relationship status to “In a Relationship.” If your status isn’t that in that category, it can be a digital stab to your heart.

I’m here to tell you that this is actually the best time of year to meet someone wonderful to date. Filling your date card with quality people is quite possible, so take away that frown and look at my tips in our holiday survival guide.

The Cyber-Dating Expert Survival Guide to Help you Through the Holidays, Online and IRL.

1. Don’t rely on Social Media to go down memory lane

Sure I know it’s natural to take a peek to see what your ex is up to, but if they’re jetting off to Paris, heading for sunshine in Hawaii and kissing under the mistletoe, you’re hurting yourself big time. Instead, try to create your own new memories. Walk down a festively decorated street and snap a few photos of trees, store windows, and cheerful pictures and post them on your Facebook wall. So what if you’re alone or with your BFF. You’re out of the house and not living in the past. Digital snooping is also on the rise, especially during the holidays. It brings out the worst in many. At PlentyofFish, they surveyed over 9000 of their users between the ages of 20 -40 to find out what their holiday dating habits were. POF found that 82% of the women were actually checking the Facebook statuses of guys they were dating to see what they were doing when they weren’t around. Wouldn’t you be better off out, than attached to your phone?

2. Fill that date card and stay organized

Anxiety can be at an all time high, but joining a few dating sites and using mobile dating apps will be a great ego boost. It will also give you the chance to meet a lot of people. However, don’t embarrass yourself by calling Don, Doug or introduce yourself as Jackie from PlentyOfFish if you met him on eHarmony. The easiest way to do this is by creating an excel spreadsheet and logging your conversations. You would do this for a job, right? Well this is a job with a possibility of a lifetime of love. It’s worth the effort.

3. Block your ex’s profile

If you’ve recently ended a relationship with someone you met online and it wasn’t on good terms, chances are you’ve both rejoined the site to meet others. Make sure you block his or her profile so they don’t appear in a search and to avoid the obsessiveness that results when you check to see when they last logged on or if they’ve deactivated their profile. Don’t assume if their profile is gone that they’ve ridden off into the sunset with someone else. Sometimes people just take a break or they may have blocked you.

4. Don’t jump into a rebound relationship

They say the easiest way to get over someone is by replacing them in a New York minute with someone new, but is it right? Sure the initial infatuation stage is a lot of fun and it’s nice to have a warm body around, but finding someone new when you aren’t ready to date isn’t always the answer. Spend time with friends, hang out with an ex that you’re still on good terms with and can be yourself with, and spend time alone reading, writing, or taking a cooking class or French lesson.

5. Discuss holiday gift giving

Before you run off to Tiffany to get him sterling silver cufflinks engraved with his initials after three weeks of dating, ask yourself how overwhelming it would feel if he showed up with an engagement ring one month in. It could be over the top, right? Come up with a reasonable budget. Perhaps you can get him a cashmere scarf or sweater, tickets to a concert or sporting event, and make home made cookies. You could get her a gift certificate to a spa, gourmet chocolates, a fun accessory for her mobile phone, tickets to a show or a museum exhibition, or a piece of costume jewelry in her favorite color. Avoid giving her just lingerie, unless it’s something she picks out for herself.

READ: THIS IS THE TOP GIFT FOR SINGLES

6. It’s Peak Season for Online Daters

The good news is that more singles are signing up for dating sites between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day. Match reports they see a jump of about 25-30% in new members signing up between Christmas and Valentine’s Day and at Cyber-Dating Expert, it’s the busiest holiday season ever with new singles joining online dating sites and brand new dating profiles being created.

READ: 5 TIPS TO FINDING LOVE ONLINE

7. Swipe Right

I know you’re attached to your mobile phone. Perhaps you’re waiting for a text from that cutie you had a date with last week. Maybe you’re swiping left to every potential match. I say, take a chance and swipe right more than left. Even if he or she won’t be your dream date, they might invite you to a holiday party or introduce you to a friend. It’s time to cast a wide net.

8. Accept ALL holiday invitations

If your inbox is filled with invitations for holiday mixers, fill your calendar and put on your party dress. Remember to smile at everyone. Business networking events are in abundance now, so you won’t have to feel that you’re the only single person there. Walk in with confidence and you’ll be turning heads and filling your date card.

9. Online Love is a year-round event

People meet online and fall in love all year long. I know a couple that met online on Christmas Eve on Facebook who are now engaged. I know of another couple that met online on eHarmony on Valentine’s Day who are now happily married. One couple fell in love at first sight that met on Match. She hadn’t had a serious relationship in over 10 years and now they’re married. Yes online dating is a numbers game. You’ll be juggling dates, canceling dates, rescheduling dates, it’s exhausting, but it can be so very rewarding as it has been for millions of others.

READ: HOW TO FLIRT ON INSTAGRAM

10. Fall in love with you

At the holidays, please take a deep breath; log on to fill your date card if and when it feels good to you, not because you’re feeling lonely. If you need to take a break from dating, that’s fine. There are no rules, other than to fall in love with yourself first. It’s the best place to be to start any new relationship.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace this holiday season, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years.  She’s the CEO of CyberDatingExpert.com, author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene and helps them shorten their search to find their one in 50 million.

For online dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram.

Sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Disney Lovers – MouseMingle Will Help You Find Your Match

MouseMingle.comJust in time for the holidays, along with a dream trip to Disneyland, if you’re single and love EVERYTHING Disney, this new online dating site, MouseMingle might bring you a date or a jingle or two.

Their tag line is, “Find Your Mickey or Minnie.”

According to Los Angeles magazine, MouseMingle a niche dating site which launched on December 1st., was created by Culver City resident, Dave Tavres, for people obsessed with all things Disney.

Tavres tells LA mag writer Chris Nichols, “Niche dating sites are more common these days. “There’s a dating site for pot lovers and JDate for Jewish people. The first time I saw Farmers Only I thought it was a Saturday Night Live sketch.”

Signing up for MouseMingle is simple and it’s free to view profile and photos. Communicating with potential matches will cost $12.55/month. The 55 cents represents the year that Disneyland first opened.

Disney fans can share their passions of their favorite rides, characters, films and more with each other.

Of course, scheduling a date to a Disney theme park or renting a Disney movie would be logical date ideas for MouseMingle members.

As a dating expert, I have always recommended that singles join at least two, if not three online dating sites. Niche dating sites have been growing in popularity over the past several years. To meet like-minded singles, adding a niche dating site to your dating docket will increase your chances of meeting someone special.

READ: 14 Niche and Nutty Dating Sites

From DateGinger (a site for redheads) to 420Dating (a site for potheads), there’s a niche dating site for you.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Follow @JulieSpira on Instagram and Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Dating Netiquette: Why Grammar Matters

Netiquette grammarThe weekend is approaching and suddenly you realize your date card is empty.

The easiest solution is to log onto your favorite online dating site or mobile dating app and start swiping and writing to that cutie who has been sending you sweet little nothings, right?

Here’s the problem with rushing to respond to every email or text. You may be breaking the rules of netiquette.

  • The auto-correct has become your worst nightmare.
  • It doesn’t matter that you have multiple degrees and a big bank balance.
  • What does matter is when you rush to reply and your grammar is a complete mess.
  • Typos make you appear lazy and actually unintelligent.

The trend is to be casual when sending a text or email and if it’s to someone you’ve known for a while or a friend, it’s acceptable to abbreviate words. If you’re looking to make a great first impression in a crowded digital dating playground, you’ll be ignored or he or she will probably swipe left.

Here are a few examples of first texts and emails that will get ignored and how to fix them.

hey….saw your txt. wanna hang out this wknd?

What’s wrong with this one?

  1. hey.  Horses hang out in hay. It’s too casual and you won’t appear like boyfriend or girlfriend material. You also haven’t taken the time to capitalize the letter H in hey. Swipe left.
  2. saw your txt. The caps button is there for a reason. It’s goal is to help you write a sentence where the first word is capitalized. txt, well why can’t you add one more letter and say text?
  3. Wanna hang out this wknd? Wanna isn’t a word, but you already knew that. wknd is short for weekend, but you knew that as well.

How r u doing?

What’s wrong with this one?

  1. r u. I know it’s obvious, but it again doesn’t show you at your most intellectual best.
  2. Take the time and write something more personal in a full sentence. A good example would be:  Hi Patty! Happy Wednesday. How’s your day going so far?

Still stumped? I put together a list of 20 Flirty messages to capture his or her heart. Use this as your digital cheat-sheet and remember, sending a good morning and a good night text to someone you have a crush or your current girlfriend or boyfriend will make them think warm fuzzy thoughts about you all day and even into their dreams at night.

Related: Why Texting and Dating Make Women Anxious

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Hello December! 5 Tips to Finding Love Online

Finding Love in December - Julie SpiraHappy December my #Tweethearts.

My how time flies! It’s hard to believe that we are in the final month of the year, the month where we celebrate with friends and loved ones, decorate our homes, and fill our calendars with holiday parties.

December is also the time of year where singles want to couple up BIG time and looking for love online is at the top of the list.

I shared in a previous blog the article in the New York Post, where a survey from our friends at Match showed that the number one gift for singles is…. a date. Yes indeed. Finding a date for the holidays ranked higher than picking out the latest tech gadget.

With that in mind, here are 5 online and mobile dating tips to help you find love and your one in 50 million online.

 

  • Swipe Right. Yes. Apps like Tinder are responsible for some serious relationships, so ditch your old thoughts about hookups only with mobile dating apps and start swiping right.

 

 

  • Favorite your Digital Crush. Online dating is a numbers game, but it’s so easy to get lost in the digital shuffle. To stand out, Super Like your match on Tinder, say yes to your daily matches on Match, and favorite or hot list someone to get their attention

 

 

  • Don’t Wait. Initiate. Just because someone viewed your profile, doesn’t mean you should sit back and wait for the email to arrive. To fill your date card, you MUST be proactive. That means logging in daily, seeing who viewed your profile, and writing to 5-10 new people a day.

 

 

  • Snap New Photos. While your Facebook and Instagram profiles are up-to-date with fresh new photos, your online dating profile just might need a digital face-lift. The first place to start is with the photos. Grab a few from your social networking sites or better yet, enlist the help from a friend who has a great digital camera. Snap 100 photos in 5 different outfits and have a photo selection party with your BFFs. They’ll help you select the best pics. P.S. Remember to wear red and ditch the little black dress. Red is the color of love, passion, and the stop sign. It’s also the signature color for the holidays.

 

 

  • Meet IRL. The point of Internet dating isn’t to have a digital pen-pal. It’s to meet someone amazing who you click with, who you can think about every morning when you wake up. You can’t find him or her if you don’t take your relationship from online to offline. Schedule a short phone chat and if the chemistry is there, add him or her to your date card and meet in person.

 

As always, I wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and has been helping singles find love online and on their mobile phones for over 20 years. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

This is the Top Gift for Singles

A few years ago on Cyber Monday, The New York Post published an article that caught the eye of many singles entitled, Best Holiday Gift is a Date.

Forget the lingerie or tech gifts, if you’re single, you really want a great date, right?

On a day where shopping frenzy is at an all time high, singles are more worried about finding a date. It’s true that finding a date for the holidays is the number one stress for singles now.

Match says their traffic increases by almost 23 percent during the holidays. They claim that 59.5 percent of those polled said they’d prefer a kiss over a new laptop on New Year’s Eve.

Match found that 48 percent of respondents listed in their poll said finding someone to share the holiday with as their biggest end-of-the-year worry, while only 23 percent said they’re most anxious about finding the perfect present.

As an online dating expert and relationship coach, I agree with their findings.

Cyber-Dating Expert has shown a huge spike since Halloween and many singles signed up for the Black Friday and Cyber Monday specials, with the hope of finding someone sooner, rather than later.

Remember, if you’re a single woman who wants to couple-up, there are many single men who feel the same way during the holidays.

Let me help you find your dream date for the holidays and make it a better experience for you by creating your Irresistible online dating profile.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been helping singles find love online and on their mobile phones for over 20 years. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

 

Cyber Love Story – Courtney and Jeremy

Courtney and JeremyMeet Courtney and Jeremy our featured Cyber Love Story couple who found love on eHarmony.  They recently got married in a fairytale wedding, followed by a romantic honeymoon in the Caribbean. It was Courtney’s goal to find someone special to marry and I promised her, she’d find the love of her life. I couldn’t be happier with her romantic journey.

Here are Courtney’s words.

I met Jeremy three months into my 6-month subscription on eHarmony. He recently told me that we had been matched with each other months before we went out and that he was this close to deleting all his current matches when he saw my picture. We had only emailed a few times about dates to meet up for a drink so I didn’t know much about him. I actually couldn’t remember if his name was Jeremy or Jason so I did a panicked email search before he arrived. Thankfully I got his name just before he came through the door at the downtown bar/restaurant I picked.

We ended up talking for a good two hours and he walked with me while we looked for a taxi. It was a great first date- the best first date I had been on in a long time, probably ever. I was cautiously optimistic because he was hard to read. The next day while telling two close friends how funny and good looking he was, I went to check my email and there was a funny message from him! I was thrilled. I might have done a little happy dance.

We met for dinner and then drinks the next week and I went home to LA for a week-long visit the next day. He emailed me mid-week and we immediately made plans to see each other when I returned. From that point on we started dating regularly and finally months later, we started introducing each other to our friends.

It was slow and steady and looking back it was perfect. I’m very emotional and dramatic while Jeremy is more quiet and analytical. He brings out my more practical side and I am constantly laughing at his dry humor. I think we are a perfect match.

Last month we got married after a six-month engagement. The engagement was the only part of our relationship that went quickly! Now we are getting ready to spend our first holiday season together. For the last two years I’ve gone to LA and he’s gone to his parents’ home in New Jersey. Next week we will celebrate our first Thanksgiving together with his family (our puggle Wallis is coming with us to New Jersey) and then we’re spending Christmas week in New York with my parents, brother and sister in-law, and their new baby girl- our first niece!

Thank you Julie for your wisdom and advice. I would not be marrying this wonderful guy if I didn’t follow your Playbook!

Send us your story and we might feature YOU in our Cyber Love Story series.

Do you have an online dating story to share?

Submit Your Online Dating Stories

 

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. Find out how Irresistible Coaching can help you find your dream date.  Follow @JulieSpira for dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Online Dating – Why Won’t Women Write Back?

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowIn this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a single man called in quite frantic and upset that he had been writing to women online and they never wrote back.

He’s wondering what’s wrong with him, why women aren’t interested in marriage anymore, and if there’s something wrong with his profile. He’s a member of three online dating sites, Match, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid.

On the spot, he signed up for The Flirt dating profile critique and I quickly analyzed his Match profile.

The interesting thing is, he was worried that his photos were bad. They really weren’t great, but the most surprising issue is, he’s a great catch and says he NEEDS to be married. When I questioned him as to why he wanted to get married and how long he had been divorced, he corrected me and said, he NEEDED to get married to survive. Without marriage, he couldn’t go on living. He had only been divorced for 6-months.

This great guy was in so much pain. I knew I needed to help him and build up his self-esteem and that one hour wouldn’t be enough. I also knew that I needed to manage his expectations and that there were plenty of women out there who would love to be married. He just hadn’t found them yet.

So why weren’t women writing back to him?

1. His profile photos were awful. He was  a good looking guy and the primary photo was so dark, you could hardly see his sweet face. He couldn’t afford a photographer and we had to work with what he had, at least for the time being.

What did we do?

I reviewed all of his photos and instantly lightened them up, cropped some of the photos so the focus was on him, and changed the order of the photos. I deleted the photo of him playing the guitar as he looked sad and his photo showed only half of his body and a dog in the center of the photo. The dog looked so sad, that all I could see and feel was a man probably playing a country music song to the tune of “Twang, twang, she broke my heart.”

That shot had to go, period. A woman wants to see a confident happy man that she can share her life with. The dog didn’t need center stage. In fact, a woman might think the dog sleeps in bed with her. All of the photos were captioned as they had been taken this year, so the women would know there was truth-in-advertising on his profile.

You see this guy is a pilot. Pilots, like firemen, are really sexy to women. When a photo showed more of the runway that him by the plane, it had to be cropped as well.

2. His bio was filled with too many questions that he required a woman to answer. I love it when someone asks a question in an Internet or mobile dating profile. It immediately triggers the action for someone to respond. However asking four direct questions made it look like he was in a deposition or job interview. It would be too much work for women to reply, so they just moved on to another email.

What did we do?

I deleted three of the direct questions which came close to begging a woman to be his girlfriend, took out the small talk and made sure there were specific descriptions of things he was passionate about.

3. His About Me Section Was Sloppy. On dating sites, it already lists your age, and on Match it states the age range you’re looking for.

His profile started with: I’m a male, 53, professional pilot, seeking a female for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles. Are you the one that cares to go on that walk on the beach with me? My favorite season is summer and I would like to bring my dog Shiloh. Sound fun? Barbeque sandwich for me. Do you care for red cake?

What did we do?

I deleted his first sentence as it was redundant and mirrored the headline of his profile. It was obvious that he was a male. His age was already listed and by repeating that he was looking for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles, it not only had been stated, but it looked like he was a guy with strict requirements. It couldn’t have been further than the truth.

Instead his new profile starts off with, “I’m a professional pilot.” It was intriguing enough to allow a woman to desire to continue reading the rest of the profile.

4. He only wrote to 5 women a day. When he told me that no one wrote back, it wasn’t entirely true. He actually received one reply to five emails that he’d sent out. That’s actually not a bad statistic. When I explained to him that typically only one out of ten emails are responded to, and he was ahead of the game, he was shocked.

What did we do?

I gave him the homework assignment of writing to ten women a day instead of five. This way he would get double the response than he did beforehand.  I explained that online dating is a numbers game. He needed to treat it like he was looking for a dream job, only he was looking for a wife.

This wonderful sweet kind successful 53-year old pilot is a great catch. He wants to get married, is taller than average at 6’5,” and will be the most loyal and wonderful husband to a lucky woman who has the same desires as he does. So ladies, don’t think there aren’t marriage-minded men out there.

I have hope for this man, but reminded him that patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a question for dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Hello October!

Hello October -Cyber Dating ExpertHello October!

I’m so happy you’re here.

It seems like this summer sped by like lightning in a thunderstorm.

It’s time to welcome one of my favorite months of the year, October. According to a Gallup Poll reported by the Today Show, May and October rank as the top two months of the year.

I love October, as the weather is still warm in Los Angeles and the leaves are turning colors in other cities around the country. It’s time for adventure, weekend getaways and thinking about love. After all, who wouldn’t want to fall in love this fall?

October is a time where we start to think about the holidays, change our wardrobes, and start to fill our calendars with regular activities that took a break in the summer. It’s also one of the flirtiest months of the year as we celebrate Halloween. We have some fun costume ideas to bring out your inner flirt.

READ: HOW TO LOOK AND FEEL FLIRTY ON HALLOWEEN

Also in October, we start to think about Thanksgiving and what we’re grateful for all the good we have happening in our lives.

Here are Cyber-Dating Expert headquarters, we love to share our success stories and we have two couples we’ve worked with who are getting married in October in fairy-tale weddings and another couple who are moving in together. Does online dating work? You bet! It’s been fun going to bridal showers in September for these October brides!

So as we reflect on the summer romances we might have had and think about what is in store for us this fall, I encourage you to fill your date cards, think about the possibilities of attracting a great love in your life, and if you’re dating someone special, take a plunge and put all ten toes in. Have a profile deleting party just for the two of you and toast to your new relationship status.

If you’ve taken a break from online dating, it’s time to reactivate your profile. Try a new mobile dating app to speed up your search and let us help you with your quest.

On our end, October is always a big month for us. It’s our Anniversary month of the launch of CyberDatingExpert.com and we’ll be celebrating our 7th anniversary with some special offers and the announcement of the audio book version of The Perils of Cyber-Dating. After spending two full days in a Hollywood studio recording the audio book, we’re now in post-production. All I can say is, wait until you read the never-been-released Epilogue! It will also include an audio bonus with the newest dating advice to help you while looking for love online and on your mobile phones.

Regardless of your relationship status, embrace the month of October. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

As always, we wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie and the Cyber-Dating Expert team.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Do you need some hand-holding? Learn more about how our Irresistible Profiles can help you find your dream date and how Swiping Right can speed up your search on mobile apps such as Tinder and Hinge.

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