If your date card is empty, try casting a wider net and schedule some summertime dates, out-of-town.
The summer heat is rolling, school’s out, the airports are crowded, and it’s time to start thinking about summer love and your very own fireworks display.
The Fourth of July holiday is around the corner, National Kissing Day, just two days later on July 6th, and Match predicts the busiest day for dating this summer will be on Saturday, July 8th.
With that in mind, it’s also a busy time for online dating, with new singles joining dating sites to find a summer romance, or maybe even more.
As a dating coach, I always recommend that singles expand their search by changing their zip codes. If you knew the person of your dreams was in another city, would you be willing to hop on a plane to meet him or her?
RELATED: Pucker Up. It’s National Kissing Day
To make it easier to date while in vacation mode, I have two approaches that work well.
1. Act like your in vacation mode.
Have you ever noticed how friendly people are while they’re on vacation? They let their guards down and don’t size each other up based on their resumes and work history like they do at home. As a result, it’s easier to strike up a conversation with someone who’s sitting next to you on a plane, or poolside as you sip on a frozen libation. If your summer doesn’t include a fantastic trip to the Greek Islands, why not act as if you’re there? Try smiling more often, engaging with someone who’s not your usual type, and even the playing field while leaving work behind.
2. Go on a Date-Cation.
This means getting prepared in advance, by joining or being very active on an online dating site before you leave, using mobile dating apps when you’re there, changing your profiles to indicate that you’ll be on vacation and listing the city, and going on dates every day while you’re gone.
While the thought of becoming a serial dater while on vacation might not sound appealing, it’s effective, and you’ll have an opportunity to be the out-of-town girl or guy everyone wants to meet.
While I recommend going into the vacation zone for singles, whether they’re home or venturing out to another city, don’t just take my word for it.
Online dating site Plenty of Fish polled over 1500 singles in the U.S. aged 18-60 to find out how they felt about dating while on vacation. It turns out the majority (over 70 percent) were open to the opportunity to go on a date while out of town.
While I’m not an advocate of the ‘Mile High Club,” 52 percent of singles in the POF survey had experienced having a great conversation with someone on the plane, and 20% actually hooked up on a plane or a train.
If you find yourself seated next to someone attractive and exciting, be bold and take it a step further.
Ask the person who you shared your life story with at 15,000 miles in the sky if they’d like to meet for a drink or go to a museum while you’re in town.
Some other fun facts from the survey include:
- 49 percent of singles had gone on a date while on vacation.
- 40 percent of singles had a vacation fling.
- 22 percent of singles fell in love while on vacation.
- 46 percent used a dating app to scope out singles in another city before traveling there.
- 16 percent of singles ended up in a long-term relationship with someone they met while on vacation.
All of these possibilities are just a click, swipe, or smile away.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.
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One of the most common questions we receive for our “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” column is what to do when you find your boyfriend on Tinder or other mobile dating apps.
Here’s Ashley’s dilemma.
I have a huge relationship dilemma that is currently happening as I type this.
I have been together with my man for just over a year now. ( we don’t have the “title”)
I am 19 almost 20 and he is 23 turning 24. We have a dog together and he basically lives with me, just sleeps at home when he works nights. He cares a lot and is always here for me, but this is why I need advice.
My friend from my home town, which is an hour away from where I live, now sent me a message with a photo of him on Tinder. This has happened before but he was really good at lying about it not being him, I was just too blind.
I had to create a fake account and see for myself and within 5 swipes I swiped yes to him. Later on tonight he came on and matched with me and sent a message. I froze. I responded and started having a conversation and it still continues.
He has no idea it’s me obviously nor does he even know I know he’s on there. I am very attached to him and he treats me well. We laugh and get along , but we do argue sometimes. I am very confused because I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him going behind my back and doing this.
I have no idea what to do or even how to bring this up to him. I really need some advise on what I should do in this situation.
You are one of many who asks this very same question.
First of all, you can’t control him going behind your back and going on Tinder to flirt with other girls. We don’t know if he’s meeting anyone, but this isn’t the first time he’s been busted on Tinder. Do you really think you can trust him?
He also hasn’t defined the relationship and given you the important label of girlfriend.
For him, it’s a relationship of convenience. For you, you’re hoping it’s more, but with his Tinder activity, it isn’t. At your age, you have plenty of options to meet men who will be crazy about you.
If he’s dating or flirting with others, you should as well. When it gets to the point that you have to create a fake profile to “catch” him on Tinder, the situation isn’t good. There’s no trust, and if you tell him you did that, it will get worse.
I haven’t met you or him, but my recommendation in cases like these (and I see it happen all the time) is to let him know that he means a lot to you, but it’s clear that you’re not looking for the same type of relationship.
Let him know you’d like to be a girlfriend in an exclusive relationship that has a future. He will either step up to the plate, or disappoint you, which gives you the freedom to find someone who will cherish you.
It’s time to have the convo, so you can find a relationship without being in a love triangle with Tinder.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.
Do you have a dating question for Online Dating Expert Julie Spira?
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It’s been one-year since Donald Trump took office, and singles are still dealing with the big political elephant in the room, our commander-in-chief and his tweets.
During the election, and in the aftermath since Trump became president, talking about politics has become critical when dating someone new, and to those within their existing relationships.
I recently wrote an essay, Can Love Survive Trump, where I revealed my big confession on how I struggled in my relationship with my long-term love. He had strong and vocal opposing views from mine when it came to politics.
As a dating coach, I believe I provide good dating advice on how to navigate the singles scene, even with politically opposite views. I also really believe in having a good debate. While coaching others on how to talk about politics on a date, I found I didn’t take my advice and kept silent about my complicated relationship status. I now feel liberated, and continue to coach and write about the great political divide.
Politics has become so divisive in dating, that conversations that start at the breakfast table end up on opposite sides in the bedroom. They often no longer include, “Sweet dreams” and a hug.
When one person walks in the Women’s March wearing a pink hat, and the other is jumping for joy about the new tax reform, it’s clear that talking about differing political views need to happen on the first date, if not sooner.
Dating Sites Weigh In
In a Match Singles in America study, they showed that talking about politics on a first date will result in a 91% chance of putting the second one on the calendar.
OkCupid found that 50% of its users won’t date someone with opposing political views. The site also found that users mentioning political words in their profiles increased by more than 1000% from 2015 to 2017.
The site, known for asking provocative questions, has 19 questions about politics. “Trump?” received the most answers, with 74% responding “hell no” and only 4% answering “hell yes.” The most answered question was “Should guns be allowed in schools?” The most polarizing question is, “Did Russia hack the last US election?”
Mobile dating app profiles now include political terms, or instructions to “swipe left if you vote for Trump,” or “swipe right if you think Trump’s making America great again.”
Tinder states that 71% of their users won’t date a Trump supporter. Their Modern Dating Myths, released in April of 2017 showed, “Opposing political views were getting more left swipes.” Nine out of 10 of my dating coaching clients said that having similar political views with their dates are important to them.
Coffee Meets Bagel tells me their poll of 1320 members showed that the majority, 70%, who are Democrats said politics was impacting their dating lives, as compared to 43% of Republican singles.
Plenty of Fish conducted several surveys on politics and dating in 2016 and 2016 and offered some promising news.
POF found while the current political climate is tense, it’s starting to lighten up. They found that less than 1% of singles used the terms “Trump” or “Republican” or “Democrat” in their profiles. They also said that 90% of people had not broken up with someone over political views or party affiliation since the election and recommended not talking about politics on a first date.
Experts Weigh in on Trump and Politics
I spoke with Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist and Chief Science Officer at Match, who said, “If singles feel very strongly about their political views, they should add it to their profiles.”
CNN Political Contributor and KABC Radio co-host John Phillips agrees with Fisher. “If both people are passionate and care about politics a great deal, it could be a problem,” said Fisher. “But then the relationship is probably doomed anyway.”
Dr. Fisher’s research indicates that people gravitate towards people who share their values. “For couples who are polar opposite politically, they just have to agree to disagree and find a way to respect each other,” Fisher said.
“People are going to stay strong in their positions because we aren’t talking about how you butter your toast,” said Fisher. “Things with the Dreamers and the immigrants is real and taps into basic values.”
Deal breakers for singles used to include height, smoking, and religion. They’ve been replaced with politics as a top deal breaker, with singles feeling more comfortable dating someone with same political views.
Phillips, who identifies as Republican, tells me that politics is more critical than ever in today’s dating world. “It’s more important than it used to be because the news has essentially become one endless talk show about politics,” said Phillips.
He believes politically charged opposite couples can co-exist in Trump’s America. “If Dodger fans can date Giants fans without the relationship ending in a 911 call, Trump and Clinton supporters can co-exist without domestic violence,” Phillips said.
Are we heading to a point where we can agree to disagree over an appetizer and enjoy crème brûlée for dessert? I sure hope so.
“There used to be water cooler topics. Now there’s one water cooler topic: politics,” adds Phillips.
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Being in a relationship with someone during your first holiday together can be both exciting, as well as filled with emotions and anxiety.
While meeting someone’s parents is a big deal, meeting your significant other’s children is a bigger deal. It’s quite possible they might have not met another woman besides their mother, and may be examining you with a cautious eye.
If your partner’s divorced or a single dad, chances are he’ll have family commitments that may or may not include you.
Before you start stuffing his turkey or filling his Christmas stocking with something fancy or coal, take a BIG deep breath and follow these tips to ensure they will love you just as much as your guy does.
1. Communicate. Talk to your significant other about logistics. Decide where you’ll be meeting his family and how long you’ll be staying there. Chances are his kids may want to see their friends as well over the holidays and meeting you won’t be as high on their priority list as it is on yours.
2. Control the PDA. While you’re used to being lovey-dovey together, there’s no getting around the fact that his kids will imagine you having sex with their dad. While they want to see him happy, they’d rather visualize the two of you fully clothed. Stick to hand holding and a hug and avoid sitting on his lap.
3. Include Laughter. Nothing will lighten up a potentially stressful situation (ie: meeting the family) than a joke and the ability to smile and laugh. Keep the jokes G-rated, regardless of the everyone’s age. Remember to stay positive and leave your baggage behind. If his kids see you’re a happy person, they’ll project to you making their dad happy as well.
4. Don’t Talk About Their Mom. The kids you’re meeting, even if they’re adult children, will always give their loyalty to their mom. Even if they realize the split was for the best, they will have years-and-years of memories of the family celebrating the holidays together. Avoid the urge to say something about his ex, even if it’s sharing his mumbling sentiments, or a recent memory that gets brought to the table. They already have a mom and you’re not signing up to be an instant step-mother. Show respect for their mother to avoid any uncomfortable feelings.
5. Bring a Gift. If you’re going to their adult children’s home, bring a thoughtful gift, such as a holiday basket or a candle so you don’t show up empty-handed. Don’t do the complete opposite by smothering them with gifts from a stranger. If the kids are school-age, bring each of them a small gift, so they have something to open.
6. Avoid Taking Photos. Let your boyfriend or his kids be in charge of snapping photos when you meet. His family won’t be sure if you’ll be sticking around, so posting them on social media is a netiquette no-no.
7. Give a Hug. There’s something warm about hugging someone hello or goodbye. If you greet them with a handshake and your get together goes well, leave with a quick goodbye hug to show affection to your boyfriend’s kids, so they can welcome you warmly to the family and be happy for their dad.
Let your boyfriend know you’re excited you are to meet his children and that you’re proud that he thinks enough about your relationship to show that you’re officially a couple.
Remember, he’s nervous that it will go well too. Be genuine and warm.
Wishing you much love and joy at the holidays.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and was an early adopter of the Internet. Julie’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years with her Irresistible Profiles dating coaching programs.
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Photo Credit: Fotolia
I just read your article on online. It’s called 12 Reasons why he won’t call you his girlfriend.
I have been dating a guy for almost 8 months and he doesn’t want to call me his girlfriend. He got out of divorce 2 years ago and it was really bad for him emotionally and financially and he doesn’t want to be pressured.
I told him I just want to be labeled as his girlfriend, not asking for a marriage. He dated a lot of girls and he didn’t go through this emotional issue until he met me. I went thru divorce 15 years ago and finally ready for a real relationship.
What should I do? He tells me I’m important to him and he does treats me well.. I’m about to end the relationship.
RELATED: Dating Expert Guide to Breaking Up
I haven’t met you or your boyfriend, so I can’t say for sure what he’s thinking as it relates to your relationship. It’s clear you are at two different points in the relationship cycle. His divorce is still fresh. For men, adding a label does mean he’s all ten toes in and could be committed for life. If he acts like your boyfriend, isn’t seeing anyone else, is loyal and devoted to you, and makes you a priority, you can let it slide. The period from 6-12 months is when a man will decide on his own what label he wants to use to define your relationship. If he says you’re important to him, then believe him. If you think you’re just a transition person, let him know that you don’t think the two of you want the same type of relationship and although he’s important to you, you need to move on.
Let him know IF he changes his mind AND you’re still available, you’d be open to a more serious relationship. Keep me posted and good luck.
Well, I broke up with him….because I didn’t understand why he was all afraid of his ex finding out his current relationship. He said he just doesn’t want her to know his life, blah blah blah. I didn’t like his response and I broke up with him via text! I know I’m terrible but he has broken up via text with me before so I don’t feel too bad. I still like him but I wanted to respect my wishes. He has yet to text back. It’s been 6 days..
He also said we are more like a “friend with benefits” because he just doesn’t want a GF because he’s afraid so…. There you go.
You did the right thing. Any man who hates labels then suddenly labels you as a FWB and says he doesn’t want a girlfriend doesn’t deserve someone special like you.
Know that there are great men out there who want exactly what you want. Congratulations on being strong and ignore any text that comes your way.
Guys like to know they can get you back, even if they can’t provide what you’re looking for, which is what was pretty much said to you. I’m sorry you went through this, but better eight months than wasting eight years.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.
Do you have a question for online dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/Contact
Hello Cuffing Season
In case you haven’t heard of ‘Cuffing Season,’ it’s the time of the year, usually from November 1st to February 15th when the weather is cooler, and when couples decide to become exclusive and find a significant other for the big holidays; Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day.
These days, during the first week in October when the weather changes, summer romances have faded, kids are back in school, the leaves start falling, and Halloween costumes appear in the stores, is a time where the desire to couple up starts to appear and continues to grow.
Some call it Pre-Cuffing Season right now. In my experience as a dating coach and online dating expert, cuffing season just seems to start earlier and earlier each year.
Cuffing Season Defined
Urban Dictionary defines ‘Cuffing Season’ as “Usually the colder months; i.e. fall or winter, when new relationships start and old relationships turn into engagements. The persons in said relationships are ‘cuffed,’ meaning that they no longer seek non-platonic relationships with others.”
For those who are finding themselves single, don’t be surprised if an old flame reappears, even if it was someone who had ghosted you.
During Cuffing Season, guys go back into old text messages on their phones, re-review their matches on Tinder or Bumble dating apps, and sign up for online dating sites to subconsciously start or restart a relationship.
5 Ways to Find a New Relationship This Fall
With the change of seasons, brings an opportunity for a new beginning for many.
- Accept party and business invitations and force yourself to go.
- Smile wherever you go out in public. It’s contagious in a good way.
- Refresh your mobile dating and online dating profiles with new photos and a new bio.
- Engage with people you find interesting on Facebook who are single.
- Flirt on Instagram and other social media channels.
With the tragic shooting in Las Vegas, there’s been an unusual need to hug one another. If you’re in a relationship that’s new, you could want to feel closer, to feel protected, and to want to express your love to that person a bit sooner than you might have had.
So if you’re looking to kiss someone special under the mistletoe this holiday season, don’t wait until November 1st to focus on love.
As a dating and relationship expert and coach, I encourage you to take the covers off your head, go out with a big smile on your face and be approachable, as it really can be an exciting time for love. Sipping hot toddies or hot chocolate by the fireplace is a visual you just might want to be a participant in. Party invites from business networking events are starting to pile in, so RSVP and fill up your date card.
If you’re in a toxic relationship or one that makes you anxious or are walking on eggshells, it’s time to get out. Staying in a bad relationship just for the holidays prevents you from finding someone more compatible to create new memories with. The possibilities are endless!
If you need any hand holding, check out our Irresistible Profiles packages to help speed up your search.
Happy Cuffing Season.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She has been helping singles find love on the Internet for over 20 years. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and instagram for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Find out how Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date during Cuffing Season.
Today my best friend was on Tinder and found my boyfriend’s account. We have been together almost 3 years, though we have broken up twice. I confronted him about it and he told me he made it after a big fight of ours, realized he was making a mistake, then deleted the app, and must have forgotten to delete the account.
He said that he didn’t message or get involved with anyone. When I asked him for permission to log on to see if his claims were true, he said that he already just deleted the account.
What do I do?
My Dear Worried,
If I had a dollar for every person who contacted me after they or a friend found a Tinder profile during a swiping frenzy, I’d take a trip around the world.
RELATED: HELP! I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND ON TINDER
All relationships go through bumps on the road, and a guy often looks to see who else is out there, if he has doubts about the relationship, or even if he’s about to make a deeper commitment.
That doesn’t mean he met someone, chatted with someone, or even remembered he had a moment of faux girlfriend shopping.
The most important part of a relationship is trust. If he says he deleted the app, that’s probably exactly what he thinks he did and you need to believe him.
When someone removes Tinder from their mobile phone, they assume it’s gone, as they aren’t using it. There is a difference between removing Tinder from your phone and deleting your account permanently. Most people don’t realize that.
Your boyfriend thinks he’s a good guy and is in a relationship with you, but his profile will still appear on Tinder as a potential match to others, so yes, it looks like a form of cheating.
I say let it slide now, or you could be headed for another breakup. If it’s not on his phone, he isn’t swiping right or left on anyone, nor is he chatting with anyone. Give it a few weeks and let him know that you appreciate him being honest with you about “removing” Tinder from his phone and that you’re happy everything is going well with the two of you.
Then let him know you read an article (mine), that said if you take Tinder off your phone, it stays on their service as an active profile unless you log on and specifically click “Delete Account.” It’s in the settings part of the profile that looks like a gear at the very bottom. Tell him it would make you feel more comfortable if he deleted/disabled his account, so others who know both of you don’t assume that the two of you agreed to an “open relationship.” Make it about the two of you, not just about you.
Send him this link, How to Delete Tinder on how to do it, but don’t look over his shoulder and question him on who he was chatting with, if anyone. Again, it’s about trust and show that you trust that he tried to remove Tinder correctly and that even you didn’t realize there’s a difference between removing Tinder and deleting an account.
I think he’s telling you the truth and really wants you to trust him. Have the conversation in a very loving way. He’ll appreciate the fact that neither of you want to send the message that you’re available for an open relationship, when you’re not.
Keep me posted!
FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram for dating and find out how our Irresistible Profiles programs will help you find your dream date.
It’s National Romance Awareness Month. Although love and romance should be a part of your regular regime while dating, in a relationship, or marriage, it’s a great reminder to keep the spark alive in your relationship.
To celebrate National Romance month, here are 20 romantic things to do for your date, so they’ll be thinking about you all day long, while waiting to see you on date night.
20 ways to ramp up the romance
Newly Dating or Playing the Field
As one who spends a lot of time helping singles with their mobile dating and online dating profiles, I can’t help but stress that logging on and swiping right are one of the simplest ways to think about romance and relationships.
- When you log in daily, take extra time to compliment someone on his or her smile, eyes, or outfit.
- Always use their first name if you know it in messages or texts.
- Reply promptly to messages to keep the momentum going.
You’ll be surprised how quickly the boomerang effect will take place. You’ll feel like romance is just a click away.
Send Flirty Texts
I’m a huge fan of sending romantic text messages leading up to your date.
- Send a fun and flirty morning text message to let your date or significant other know that you’re excited about your date.
- Tell the person you’re dating that they’re your hero.
- Say you’re the luckiest person in the world to have met him or her.
- Add a few xoxo’s at the end of your messages to show affection.
Leave a Hand-Written Love Note
While I love the flirty texts, there’s something extra personal about receiving a hand-written note or card.
- Leave a surprise love note on their pillow or in the bathroom drawer for the object of your affection.
- Send a card in the mail with a stamp on it and let your sweetheart know what you mean to them.
- Remember to say ‘I love you.”
The best part is, it’s a keepsake and can be looked at during the days and nights in between your next date.
Smile and be Confident
Believe it or not, you actually feel happier and more confident even when you’re smiling while even talking on the telephone or texting. But when you’re out-and-about, wear that smile proudly in public.
- Nobody can imagine romance with a “Debbie” or “Donnie Downer,” so smile at the grocery store
- Smile while standing in line at the bank or waiting for your turn at the ATM, or in an exercise class.
You’ll come across as happier and don’t be surprised if a few heads turn.
First Date Rules – Be Proactive for Romance
Being passive on a date doesn’t help you in the romance department. Sure you don’t want to be too aggressive, but a survey from dating site Zoosk showed the squeaky wheel gets the romance deal.
- The survey said 34% of singles finding it most romantic when their date plans a surprise activity for their first date
- 27% liking to hold hands on the first date
- 25% actually enjoying it when their date leans in for that first memorable kiss.
Schedule Date Nights
If you already have a steady loved one, you know how often relationships can end up in a rut after the first three months. When the honeymoon period starts to wane, if you’re not dating your mate and creating romantic memories, it’s easy for the relationship to fizzle out.
- Pick the same day each week for “date night” and take turns selecting your date spot.
- You don’t have to break the bank, especially during Romance Awareness Month, as there are plenty of free concerts, where you can bring a picnic basket to.
- Take that beach walk that is listed in your dating profile. Being barefoot on the beach with your toes in the sand, or building a sandcastle is still an ultimate romantic date.
Introduce Your Date to Friends and Family
Do you want to show your love? Go out in public hand-in-hand with your partner and show some PDA.
- Take him or her to a family outing
- Plan a romantic weekend away and post photos as a couple
- Watch a romantic comedy or binge watch your favorite shows for a Netflix-and-Chill night.
What romantic rituals help you in your relationship?
Julie Spira is America’s Top Mobile and Online Dating Expert. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and has been creating Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene for over two decades.
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter
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Celebrity relationships were all the buzz this week. As the guest dating expert on “Access Hollywood Live,” I joined Natalie Morales and Kit Hoover to talk about dating, love, Jay-Zee big confession about his marriage to Beyonce, and Ben Affleck’s public appearances with his new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus.
With Affleck showing off his new relationship status, the question was asked, “what do you do when your ex moves on?”
Since just about everyone can relate to a heartbreak, we did a deep dive on how Hollywood celebs, or the girl next door should cope post-breakup when your ex finds a new girlfriend.
Here are the 5 tips I shared with Access Hollywood Live
1. Do a Digital Detox
“The first tip is do what I call a digital detox. Even if you’ve said, ‘Okay, we’re going to stay friends when you break up,’ it’s really hard to just move into that friend zone. What happens is you start to become a stalker and you just can’t help yourself. So don’t do that. Block them and unfriend them on Facebook. You can always become friends again once the dust has settled and you both have moved on. Staring at other the other people at you and your sweetheart’s favorite restaurant that you used to go to for your anniversary is just something that is going to sting.”
2. Don’t Compare and Contrast
“It’s so easy to fall into that trap of comparing yourself to the new girl. You may ask yourself, is she prettier? Does she have nicer clothes? Is she better in bed? Is she smarter? Is she sexier? You get into this trap, and it’s really bad because what happens is, your brain starts to trick you into thinking that comparing yourself to this person is natural. You need to your own individuality. You don’t really know that she’s good at anything other than being the next girl.”
3. Practice Self Love
“Self-love really is number one. One of these tips that I use with the singles that I coach is if you’re going through a break-up, get dressed up, looked good, stand in front of your mirror and say, ‘You are the the prize,’ and repeat it, ‘You are the prize.’ Eventually, you will believe it. The more that you can love yourself and go out and do good things for yourself, like workout more, maybe lose that weight you want to, take up a yoga class, or take up a new hobby, the more you will become more dateable.”
4. Avoid the Rebound Relationship
“We see more rebound relationships with men than with women. Women tend to hang out with their girlfriends and, of course, talk about their ex. Just because he might have moved on in a split second doesn’t mean that you need to do the same. I really feel that– having a replacement boyfriend immediately, can often backfire. It might not be a good fit for you, and then you’ve got to get over two break-ups.”
5. Get Out and Live Life!
“I always say that take that covers off your head. Think about the books and magazines that might have been stacking up and start reading them. Maybe go under a palm tree and read a magazine, or if you actually once thought you might want to write a book, start penning that book and writing down your thoughts. Journal about your break-up because the more you read and write it, the more healing it is. Remember, there’s a reason that you broke up and that this person is now your ex. I always say, “Knock him off that pedestal right now.”
RELATED: Jay-Z and Beyonce – Dating Expert Julie Spira Weighs In
Julie Spira is a celebrity dating coach, relationship expert and online dating expert. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles for over 20 years with her Irresistible Profiles programs.
FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter
In this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a female reader is uncomfortable with the text messages her boyfriend is sending and receiving from another woman. What would you do? Read our answer here.
My boyfriend of over a year texts a woman who lives in a different state constantly. She has feelings for him. I told him that it makes me feel uncomfortable. But he tells me that I’m insecure and that they work together.
Thanks for your message and I’m so sorry to hear about this painful experience you’re going through with your boyfriend.
That would make any girl uncomfortable. If you’ve been together for over a year, I’m assuming you’re in a committed relationship.
Texting or chatting with a woman on social media when it makes you uncomfortable is a form of emotional cheating. He’s giving you reasons to feel insecure, even though she lives in another state. He may be getting a dopamine boost, or at least an ego boost every time he hears the chirp text message from her.
If he said, “gee I’m sorry. I’ll stop doing that because I don’t want to hurt you,” I’d be happy to hear that.
Instead he wants to keep flirting with his digital girlfriend, who perhaps doesn’t even know you exist. I get it that it’s a great ego boost for him and it seems new and shiny to him, unattainable, and a bit of a fantasy relationship since she doesn’t live in town.
Here’s what I think you should do. Explain to him that you believe this texting is a form of emotional cheating and ask him why he feels the need to text her. Start sending him flirty texts so that need is fulfilled by you and perhaps he won’t feel the desire to text her. Then ask him to put the brakes on it and stop texting her out of respect for you. Ask him if he will let her know he’s involved with you and that he wants to focus his energies on your relationship.
Know that every man likes to look at women who are attractive and that’s normal. Creating this emotional bond over texts is crossing the line. He can’t have his girlfriend (you) and this girl on the side on his keyboard and lead her on. She probably doesn’t even know about you! Even if he isn’t interested in her romantically, if she made it clear she has feelings for him, this has potential to grow and could be harmful to your relationship.
Instead of demanding to see his phone to see the texts, just ask him if he will stop. If he won’t, ask him why this is important to him and find out what’s missing from your relationship so you can spice it up. Texts can lead to sexts and it’s damaging to a relationship. It can also become addictive.
Have a heart to heart talk with your guy before you call it quits, but if he won’t put your relationship at the top and stop these text exchanges with a woman who claims to have feelings for him, it may be time to call it quits.
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Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo
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