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#MusicMonday Quote of the Day

Happy Music Monday. As we start a new week, it’s time to put the digital DJ hat on and share a musical quote from the bankd UB40 about love to warm your heart.

Music Monday

“Love is a thing, well, it’s kid of like quicksand: The more you are in it, the deeper you sink. And when it hits you, you’ve just got to fall.”

Don’t be afraid of falling into quicksand. Open your heart. It isn’t a lifetime sentence, but could be a lifetime of happiness coming your way.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

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Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. Find out how our Irresistible Profiles programs will help you find your dream date and read our many client testimonials.

What to Do if Your Boss Sees Your Dating Profile

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowIt’s bound to happen, you nervously put up an online dating profile with the hope of finding someone special to date, and suddenly it’s spotted by your boss, your neighbor, parents of friends of your kids, co-workers and more.

As a dating expert and coach, I’ve seen this happen to many of you. In my relationship column on Bikini, a female reader asked this question.

Q: I caught my boss checking me out on a dating website? I’m not sure if I should be excited or disturbed

A: Of course your boss is on a dating site or a mobile app. So are you and over 50 million other singles, including people who don’t know about your relationship status. It does feel like a creepy boundary issue, doesn’t it?  Chances are your boss was scrolling through hundreds of profiles photos in your geographic area and your familiar face popped up on the screen or on his mobile phone, so it was natural to take a peek at your profile.

So many sites allow you to see who has viewed your profile, so this isn’t unusual. Before you start comparing bad dates with your superior, my best advice is to ignore it. Then take matters into your own hands and block your boss from viewing your profile. I call it digital housekeeping. This way he or she won’t appear in your search and you won’t appear in theirs.

Both of you now know you’re on the same dating site and it could be just as uncomfortable for him or her as well. If your boss happens to mention viewing your profile, don’t have a meltdown. Just say, you’re single and dating and can’t think of a better way to meet someone outside of work than by joining an online dating site and mobile dating apps.

At some point, you’ll meet an amazing guy and will be taking your profile down anyway.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo

Do you have a question for online dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

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How to Handle the Dreaded Pull Back

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowOne of our most popular dating advice blog posts, What to Do When He Pulls Back, is still getting a lot of comments.

I get it that so many of you are in such pain and don’t understand it when things are going great, why your boyfriend will disappear, call you less, stop texting, or even take the more drastic action of breaking up.

Our recent comment comes from A. As a dating expert and coach, I can tell you that she’s not alone. Read her relationship problem and feel free to comment.

Dear Julie

Wow! I’ve been researching the web for answers for about a month now and it seems like your article just answered all of my questions.

I’ve dated a guy for 3 months. It seems like he was the one and made me feel like I was the one too. He never said “I love you” but I felt like he was in love… He was texting me at least twice a day, we saw each other every 2 weeks (we had a long distance relationship and he had his son every other week).

He wrote me a beautiful birthday card, I met his son and BAM, a week later, he left just saying he was scared and that maybe, he didn’t love me enough to continue in this relationship. I asked to discuss more but he just disappeared.

Note: he is also getting through some stressful times at work + his last relationship with his son’s mom ended very badly.

A month later, I still haven’t heard from him but I still think he loves me and made a big mistake. I know it was stressful for him and he probably just was overwhelmed. It was a big deal for him to introduce me to his son as well.

Anyways. I am still hopeful. What do you think? Can he realize that it was all about stress? How long can it take? I am slowly moving on but he was “my man” and I still feel that our story is not over…

Thanks 🙂

Dear A.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re guy had to pull back and couldn’t handle a serious relationship with you. Timing is always an important factor in relationships. The trick is to meet the right person at the right time and have a relationship move forward effortlessly.

Unfortunately it’s often not the case. Either someone is in transition from a previous relationship, has work issues that are higher on the totem pole than a relationship, or needs space. You might be the right person at the wrong time. I can’t tell you that for sure, as I’ve never met nor spoken with your now ex-boyfriend.

What I can tell you is that men often need space and time to figure things out without having outside pressure. Also, three months is a critical time for all relationships. I call it the first trimester of love. This is when the honeymoon phase takes place and both  men and women reanalyze their relationship statuses at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year. Three months is probably the most frequent time that I see people breaking up, deciding they don’t want to step it up to a more serious stage, which does include agreeing to be in a committed relationship, saying “I love you,” and more of a groove.

When a man says “I love you,” outside of the bedroom and afterglow of sex, it’s really a big deal to them. They project to the future and if they aren’t ready, they’ll disappear if they think that’s what you want.

That being said, if he comes to his senses and realizes what a prize you are, he’ll come back. If he said he was scared, he was being authentic and genuine. The guy has his hands full!

The big questions is, will you still be available if and when he returns? At this point, you need to start dating and maybe you’ll even meet someone who’s a better match for you. This can’t happen if you’re pining away for the guy you adored for just three months.

Go and be confident and become available for love. The right person will find you. Your guy just isn’t ready for anything serious, or isn’t ready for anything serious with you. (sorry)

Be grateful that you could have such strong feelings for someone, but if he comes back, it will be because you aren’t needy and he is ready. For now, there’s no reason to chase him or expect your guy to magically come back. There’s no calendar date. He may even meet someone else, but if his feelings for you were stronger, he will realize that by comparison.

I know it hurts. I’ve been there and can tell you, often they do come back. It comes down to a question of timing.

Perhaps if and when he resurfaces, you’ll no longer have a relationship status of “single.” No matter what, don’t chase him. Live your fabulous life and surround yourself with friends and activities. If it’s meant to be, it will be, but he will need to be the one to realize that.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie

Follow dating expert @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for relationship advice.

 

Why Does My Boyfriend Still Chat Online

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowDear Julie,

I’m frustrated with something happening in my relationship and hope you can help.

Can you please help me understand what my boyfriend means when he says, “He misses chatting to girls, because he enjoys their conversations more than male conversations.”

He added that he also misses the fact that he can talk to them without people jumping to conclusions.

Do you think he misses being single and having the excitement of taking to new girls? We’ve been dating for almost a year and we’re very similar and haven’t been in a fight as yet, because we usually talk through things before it becomes a problem.

Many thanks,

Anneline

———————————————————————————————–

My Dear Anneline,

As a dating expert, I can tell you that your boyfriend clearly needs the validation that other girls still like him, even if he is hopelessly devoted to you. I don’t know if the two of you met online or out-and-about, but it’s clear to me that he’s keeping his options open. Perhaps he’s insecure or just got addicted to online dating and can’t take his profile down.

I don’t know if he’s chatting on social media sites such as snapchat, Facebook, WhatsApp or actually has a profile on Tinder or Bumble and is chatting that way. Either way, I look at chatting and flirting with other women when you’re in a relationship as a bit of emotional cheating and a larger case of insecurity.

I’ll let you in on a little secret. Many years ago, I had a boyfriend who I met online. When it was time to take out profiles down, we did it together and agreed to be exclusive. Everything seemed fine, except one day later, he admitted that he was having a digital withdrawal of women no longer looking at him online. He wasn’t writing back to them, nor was he scheduling dates. He had been online for so long that disconnecting became painful to him. He loved having the digital ego boost of a woman writing to him or viewing his profile. He got over it, but it caused him stress.

If your boyfriend is on a dating app and chatting, it’s grounds for breaking up. He can chat to “friends” on facebook without telling the world he’s on a dating site and available.

The reason that men don’t even like to change their relationship status, is because until they’ve committed totally, they don’t want to feel that they will never sleep with another woman ever again. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s fairly accurate.

Let your boyfriend know you don’t mind him having female platonic friends and that you have male platonic friends as well. But be clear, you’re not interested in being with anyone who wants to keep his options open, so unless the people he’s chatting with know about you or you’re mutual friends, you have a right to tell him flat out that it’s disrespectful to you. Ask him how he’d feel if you were flirting with other guys pretending you didn’t have a boyfriend. I doubt he’d like that either.

I’m not saying you should break up, but let him know that you’re a woman who deserves to be respected and he should refocus his flirting behavior and chats and direct them at you.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie

Do you have a question for online dating and mobile dating expert Julie Spira? Send your dating and relationship questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram for dating advice and sign up for our FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

Should You Text Him? 12 Facts About Texting #infographic

Text RegretThere’s so much digital confusion going one when it comes to texting and matters of the heart.

There’s no reason to wait by your phone to see if your digital crush or your boyfriend will be sending you a text, yet people still do.

When you or your sweetie are busy, sending a quick text is a great way to stay in touch when you can’t pick up the phone and call, or if you’re in between dates. Sending a flirty text can put a smile on his face and receiving one just might make your day.

Still, the amount of anxiety that surrounds sending or receiving text messages can’t be helped for many.

Related: 20 Flirty Texts to Capture His Heart

First all of all, let’s take a big deep digital breath and look at texting behavior.

10 Facts About Texting

  • Ladies, men don’t usually agonize over text messages the way that women do.
  • Over-texting or sending multiple texts before getting a response may make you appear needy.
  • Texting isn’t a replacement for hearing the sound of someone’s voice or getting together IRL.
  • Texting can be the best digital foreplay before a date. Saying what you’re wearing, or not wearing will result in a reaction of one type or another.
  • Texting shouldn’t be an obligation or chore.
  • Your value is not based on the response time of texts.
  • It’s fine to text him first, if you have something great to say.
  • Texting to confirm dates or if you’re running late is courteous.
  • If you have any doubt as to whether you should send a text, then don’t. Watch a rom-com instead.
  • Not everyone keeps their phone attached to their hip, but they do usually check it when they wake up and before they go to sleep.
  • If you’re reading this post, then you probably shouldn’t be sending a text.
  • Never, ever break up in a text message.

Related: Does Texting Make Your Dating Life Crazy?

If you still aren’t sure what to do, this handy-dandy Should I Text Him infographic has come to the rescue.

Should You Text Him

Source: Visual.ly

Now I know you’ve gone out on a limb before and have sent a text message, which didn’t get a reply. You might wonder, did he receive it? Was his phone turned off? Should I send it again?

A survey from JDate and ChristianMingle showed that the response time to a text should be between 1-4 hours. They also pointed out that 68% of singes still want to talk on the phone and schedule dates, as compared to 20% who prefer texting to schedule dates.

Related: Dating in a Texting World

My message to you is, don’t agonize over a text. Ten years ago, it wasn’t even a regular part of your vocabulary and no one was busy swiping right looking to fill their date cards.

At the end of the digital day, don’t play texting and waiting games. If someone sends you a text and you’re near your phone, reply. It’s the way people are communicating these days. If you can spare some extra time, pick up the phone and call to say hello. The sound of someone’s voice will never go out of style.

Did you like this post? Feel free to share it with your friends and loved ones.

twitter - Julie SpiraThe Perils of Cyber-Dating Instagram Julie Spira

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert, Mobile Dating Expert, and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating, and was an early adopter of Internet dating, coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. Find out how Irresistible Profiles will help you fill your date card to find your dream date.

Sign up for the free Cyber-Dating Expert Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice delivered to your inbox, along with the 7 Secrets to Finding Love Online.

National Grammar Day – Why Grammar Matters in Dating

 

FullSizeRender

We’ve all gotten one of these grammatical travesties from an online crush before, either on a mobile dating app or via text.  It’s one of those dreadful parts of dating, right?

In honor of National Grammar Day, we’re here to help you with your digital love life.

Proper grammar is one of the most important aspects for singles on dating sites. Did you know that nearly half of singles consider poor spelling and grammar to be a huge deal breaker?

Before you add in that extra emoticon, we’re here to help raise awareness on “National Grammar Day” to help you find love online and IRL.

According to a recent study by Zoosk, a majority of singles (72%) are turned off by blatant spelling errors, and nearly 1/4 think poor grammar means you’re chatting with someone who is uneducated or not so smart. As far as punctuation goes, of the 9,441 respondents to the Zoosk survey, 93% of singles would be happy if they received a text message with proper punctuation.

The study also found that response rates for opening messages sent with an exclamation point are 10% higher than average!

Separately, eHarmony teamed up with Grammarly, the world’s leading online proofreader, to conduct a grammar study to analyze poor grammar in dating profiles. After looking at 10,000 profiles from both men and women, Grammarly found that women make almost twice as many grammatical errors per every 100 words than men do, but are less likely to be judged by men for their grammatical errors.

As little as two spelling errors on a profile can reduce a guy’s chance of getting a response by 14%, but women’s spelling and grammar errors didn’t have an impact on their chances at a response at all.

Here are a few tips on how to clean up your online dating profile and communication so that you won’t experience any grammar faux pas that could get in the way of attracting a digital crush.

Related: Rules of Netiquette: Love and Grammar

1. Use Exclamation Points!

As found in the Zoosk study, using an exclamation point can increase your chances of getting a response. Try “Hi Stacy!” instead of “Hi Stacy…” for a more positive reaction.

2. Proper Punctuation

Ending sentences with proper punctuation is actually preferred, even though some may think ending a text message with a period could come off as aggressive.  Another important piece of punctuation to remember is the Oxford comma. Trust us (and Grammarly) that there’s a difference between “I love cooking my family and my dog” and “I love cooking, my family, and my dog.”

3. YOMAFIO (You Only Make a First Impression Once) and LOL

Zoosk’s study found that using the acronym “YOLO,” meaning “you only live once,” decreases response rates by 47% and they recommended that you drop it from your dating vocabulary. However, “LOL” passed the test, as it increased responses by 25%.

Related: National Punctuation Day: Dating and Grammar

4. Your vs. You’re

We all remember the lesson we got from Ross Geller on that one episode of Friends (specifically, The One With The Jellyfish). There’s a very important difference between “your” and “you’re.” The differences between there, their, and they’re, or then and than, as well as to and too are also very important to know.

5. Take Your Time

Smartphones have a full keyboard and unlimited characters, so there’s no reason not to spell out what you want to say. Using shortcuts, like “u” in place of “you,” shows that you don’t care to take the time to write out a full sentence. You don’t want your potential date to feel like you’re too lazy to properly communicate with them. Beware of auto-correct, as it can bite you in the digital tush and make the smartest of singles seem a bit dumber on a good day.

Remember to always put your best digital foot forward and take the time to spell out what you want to say and your spelling and grammar will help you charm your way into your online love’s heart.

Happy National Grammar Day!

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. Julie’s the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and The Rules of Netiquette.

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram. Sign up for our Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Boyfriend is on Tinder. Should I Break Up

Boyfriend on TinderEvery week I seem to get asked a similar question from a woman whose boyfriend is still on Tinder wondering if they should break up.

Here’s Nina’s story.

Hi Julie,

I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and just this morning we had a conversation where I asked him if this is what he really wanted (committing to being in a relationship with me), and he said, “Yes, this is what I want. I love spending time with you, I love how you make me feel (…)”.

I created a fake tinder profile a couple of weeks ago and swiped right on him. To my dismay, I just checked it and he had matched with “me” (picture and name of a different person, hence the fake profile) 9 hours ago (this morning right before our conversation.

My question now is what to do. I don’t feel I can trust him now as he had before said he was not talking to or seeing any other women. I feel a little betrayed. Should I confront him about this and tell him how I found out, or let it slide, or break up? Honestly don’t know what to do.

Nina

Should She Break Up With Him?

Dear Nina,

I’m sorry you’re going through this relationship anxiety with your boyfriend. This is the top question I get from female readers. (See the other links in this article from other women). They find out their boyfriend is on Tinder and want to dump him or don’t know what to do. I appreciate your honesty on how the past month has developed with your boyfriend. Let’s talk about a few things. I’m here to help you, but this is going to be tough love my friend, so get ready.

  1. You’ve been in a relationship for three months.

Three months is still new for a relationship. It’s the honeymoon stage, where everything is fresh and exciting. It’s the perfect stage, as you haven’t moved into a routine. Many relationships breakup at the three-month point, as some people only like the beginning stages of a relationship and don’t want to get serious. From where he sat, he probably enjoyed dating you and hadn’t moved to a more serious stage yet. He wanted to look at options.

  1. You asked your boyfriend if he wanted to be in a committed relationship.

You were happy enough with him to want your relationship to be exclusive. You asked. He answered. He might have told you what you wanted to hear, but he didn’t come out and ask you first to be in a committed relationship, although he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else.

Chances are he wanted to see where the relationship was going to go and got caught up in the Tinder swiping game. It happens a lot. If you’re sleeping together, he also might not want to give that up. He’s a guy. It’s how men are wired. You also don’t know if this morning when he said he loved how he felt with you, that he had swiped for the last time and was ready to delete his Tinder account, right?

RELATED: HELP! I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND ON TINDER

  1. You created a fake Tinder profile after 2 months.

In all honesty, this is where the problem started. There’s a saying, “Seek and ye shall find.” Why did you create a fake Tinder profile to try to catch him? Probably because you weren’t sure he wanted to be exclusive with you.

Let’s talk about trust. It works both ways. You felt insecure about your relationship status early on and didn’t trust him. You wanted to catch him and behind HIS back, logged on as a fake person to see if he’d take the bait. It worked, he’s busted and now you’re unhappy. No guy wants to feel like his girlfriend is checking up on him, even if it’s innocent.

I’m not sure if you met on Tinder and if you took your profile down and he didn’t, but at two months, he probably wasn’t ready to be exclusive, or he would have said so. When a man wants a woman to be his, he does what it takes to make her is girlfriend. That includes taking down all dating profiles in good faith to see where the relationship will go.

The moment you think someone’s cheating or looking elsewhere is the moment you realize something isn’t right. Rather than seeing where your relationship would go over time, you tried to catch him, and you did.

  1. Tinder is a dating site with many users who aren’t single

Here’s a shocking fact. A GlobalWebIndex survey found that that 42 percent of Tinder’s members are already in relationships. Think about it. Almost half of the users are playing around on Tinder. Some are swiping only. Others are chatting only. Many are meeting and hooking up. Your boyfriend may be one of those 42%.

It would be one thing if someone in a relationship was on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram all of the time. They’re social networking sites. Many people are finding love on social media, but Tinder is a dating (and even known as a hookup) app. If you’re in a relationship and someone is active on a dating app, guess what? It’s wrong. I don’t care about the percentages, it’s wrong, period. Having an active profile on Tinder when you’re in a relationship tells the world that you’re single and looking. From your boyfriend’s perspective, he thought he was single and was keeping his options open. He also swiped on your fake profile before you had the conversation.

I understand that some guys and women too, like the validation they get when someone swipes right on their profiles. It’s a digital ego stroke. I also know that Tinder is like a game and people like to see who is out there and swipe right and never speak.

The problem Nina is something’s off in your relationship. You weren’t on the same page at the same time. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t have created a fake profile after two months. You know that a relationship is based on mutual trust. Without it, it cannot survive in the long haul.

RELATED: HELP! MY BOYFRIEND WON’T TAKE HIS TINDER PROFILE DOWN

  1. To Break Up, or Not to Break Up

I can’t tell you to break up with someone if you think he’s your soulmate. Something is missing in your relationship if he feels the need to communicate with women on a dating app. Something is also wrong in your relationship if you feel you need to check up on him. Something is wrong if he’s not happy with himself and needs the validation. The bottom line is, something is wrong.

He says he’s happy and loves spending time with you, which is probably true. But he’s also happy swiping right on Tinder.

I know if it were me, I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s a deal-breaker. I’d want to be in a relationship built on mutual trust. I can’t say if it’s a deal breaker for you, but as soon as you tell him you’ve busted him with a fake Tinder profile, or make up a white lie and say that someone found him on Tinder, I guarantee he will break up with you. You’re asking me if you should break up with him. I think you know the answer. The trust isn’t there.

So you can continue to be quiet and log onto your fake profile to see the exact moment he last logged on and make yourself sick in the process, or try to find someone who will think you’re amazing enough to ditch the dating apps to be in your arms. The choice is yours. I can only hope that you take your fake profile down and never create another one to try to snoop on a guy you really like.

I’m sorry you’re going through this now, but being on a dating site when you’re in a relationship is disrespectful. So is trying to catch him with a fake profile.

My best advice to you is as follows: The next time to have trust in a new relationship. Let it unfold naturally. Men don’t like being with an insecure needy person. If you felt the need to snoop, it was doomed.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

RELATED: DATING IN A TINDER WORLD

Do you have a dating question for Julie? Send your questions here:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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Dating Exclusively With an Active Profile Online?

Ask the Cyber-Dating ExpertIn this week’s “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert,” a reader who’s in a 6-month relationship is frustrated that her steady boyfriend still wants to keep an active online dating profile up. Should she tell him to take it down? Is she really in an exclusive relationship? Does this relationship have a chance?

Here’s her question.

Dear Julie,

I’ve been seeing this person for around 6-months now. When we first started interacting I was informed he was on a dating website.

In my mind, it sounds like a hook-up or one-night stand type of site. I was fine with that because we had just met and I admired his honesty. Well now, we’ve been discussing being together long-term and moving the relationship forward from just seeing each other to more of a commitment, which is good.

The only issue is he still feels the need to stay online! His excuse is, “I’m an attention seeker and maybe I have a problem. And if ‘you’ want me to stop I will.”

Julie, I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over three years and that’s by my choice. I haven’t stumbled upon anyone I could genuinely be happy with. This one though is different. I was thinking I truly made him happy and he did the same for me. Apparently, I don’t think that’s the case. And what I’m not going to do is tell him I want him to be off the site and then months or weeks later find that he’s hiding his profile. I believe happiness should flow. Am I overreacting? What should I do?

6-Months and waiting.

Dear 6-months,

I’m sorry you’re going through this kind of pain and I can assure you, that you’re not alone with your concerns.

I can guarantee you that if you feel this way after six months of being in a “committed” relationship, that you will feel even worse after the next six months on your one-year anniversary together. Can you imagine yourself loving your guy, talking about the future, moving in together, and then while he’s sleeping checking to see if he has a hidden dating profile on the site? Do you really want to enlist the help of your friends to spy on him? Do you really want to be with an insecure man who has the need to be loved by other women when he’s falling asleep in your arms every night? This, my friend is heavy drama and isn’t love.

READ: To Take Down, or Not Take Down Your Profile

When a man truly loves a woman and wants to call her his own, he plans a future, will let her know he’s exclusive, will take his online dating profile down,  and permanently retire his Tinder app in a digital second.  He won’t let another man will steal his girl away from him.

READ: How to Delete Your Tinder Account

I have a problem with ultimatums in relationships, but I do believe that honesty and communication are everything. Kudos to your guy in being honest and admitting he has a profile up.  Chances are his need for attention goes deeper than his love for you and probably goes back years-and-years before he ever met you. If you love him, ask him to go to counseling for this and offer to go with him as a couple. This way you both are investing in your future.

I’m not one to toss a 6-month relationship away, but no person should be made to feel like they are an option when they are talking about the future with someone they love. Let him know he makes you happy and that having an active dating profile up makes you uncomfortable. Ask him how he’d feel if you had a profile up as well and LISTEN more than talk.

READ: Help! My Boyfriend Won’t Take Down His Tinder Profile Down

If he agrees to take the profile down and work out these issues together, you could have a chance of happiness. If you believe he’s fooling around on the side and actually have proof, send him packing, put your own profile up and block him so you can move on.

You’ll know pretty quickly if you’re the one, or just the one for now.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a dating dilemma? Send your questions to “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” here.

READ: Does it Matter if We’re Facebook Official?

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating, having  created her first profile over 20 years ago. Today, Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

GhostingMany of you have been through this frustrating scenario.

You meet a guy and the chemistry is off the charts. You exchange numbers and start texting regularly. You get in a groove, start dating IRL or just have a regular daily text exchanges and POOF after a few weeks or a month, he disappears without warning.

Ghosting, the cowardly phenomenon where a woman or a man go from really into you to disappearing completely without an explanation is something I’m getting more and more emails about every day.

Harriet writes:

I have been on ten or more dates with this guy. We both agreed to see how things go. We both admitted we are into each other and we are not dating other people, however- we are not exclusive.

 

He had suddenly pulled away without warning after consistently talking for 6 weeks or so.

I am in agony right now as everything was going so well. I know men lie, but why did he tell me he saw a future with me when he didn’t mean it!?

READ:  What to Do When He Pulls Back

My Dear Harriet:

In the world of dating, it takes time to get to know someone.

Six weeks can be a typical time for someone to decide to move a relationship forward to become exclusive.

I’m so sorry that you’re in pain, but did he really lie? He was feeling good about the relationship in the early honeymoon days so he projected to the future because if felt good.

You both decided to give it a shot and for some reason he wasn’t sure. You say you weren’t exclusive, which allows both of you to keep your options open. Now I haven’t spoken to your guy so I don’t know if he pulled away because he was getting too close or pulled away because he met someone else.  He may have unilaterally decided that the two of you didn’t have  enough in common to take it to the next level. He may have been hung up on an ex, not ready, or gone back with her. You didn’t say if you slept with him or not. There are to many unknowns here.

My best advice is to move forward with your life and start dating again. You might be surprised to find someone you even like more than the guy who did the pull-back.

However, you should know that sometimes guys need their space. They go into their caves to think and need time to decide if they miss you or not. It’s true that men miss you when you’re apart. The worst thing you can do if this is the case, is to chase after him wanting an answer, closure, or call him a liar. He was feeling it then. He isn’t feeling it now or may be confused.

Just live your life and be open to meeting someone else and realize that this is the typical course of dating. If he comes back, it means he took the time to think about a deeper relationship with you. If he didn’t, it was a six-week casual relationship. Think about it. You might have been the one after six weeks that had a change of heart about him!

Sure it stinks when someone disappears and you’re a victim of ghosting. It’s wrong, but very common these days. People don’t like to have a confrontation so they ghost. Keep me posted and do something special for yourself. Exercise or go to a movie with a friend.

By the time he comes back, if he comes back, you might no longer be interested in him.

Julie

Robin writes:

Dear Julie,

 

I’ve been seeing this guy for three weeks now who I met online and we’ve gone out about 5 times. He seemed to be really interested in getting to know me and he sent me texts every day. Suddenly out of nowhere the texts came to a screeching halt. Not one phone call, no explanation. I guess I’ve been ghosted, but why?

My Dear Robin:

Three weeks is nothing in the dating world. If you met him online, chances are he’s still dating online and you both have active Internet dating or mobile dating profiles. He was probably playing the field, while you put all of your eggs in one basket.

If he’s going to ghost you (and boy do I hate when that happens), I’d rather it be sooner than later before your heart was completely invested. Chances are he met someone else or even already had a girlfriend when he first started contacting you and was testing the water. We unfortunately live in a world with too many options these days. One uncertainty leads to logging on to a Tinder profile.

Sure an explanation would have been good, but in today’s digital world, texting plays a huge part in the courting  process. Since he didn’t send you a text to say, “Sorry, I don’t think we’re a fit,” he just may plan on reaching out again in a few weeks after he sees what else is out there. Hopefully by then, you’ll have met someone and won’t have any interest in the disappearing ghosting guy.

Keep me posted.

Julie

Have you ever been ghosted?

Send your dating questions and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Need help with your Tinder profile? Find out how our Swiping Right program will help you find your dream date.

 

 

Signs of a Pick Up Artist – Dating Advice

Signs of a Pick Up ArtistHow do you know if your date is genuine or smooth operator?

Did you know there are actual courses guys take to become a pick up artist?

The acronym is PUA and it’s more widespread than you think.

In this episode of  YourTango Quickie series, I talk about the signs of a pick up artist.

Do you recognize any of these traits with the men you are dating?

1. He’s a smooth operator.

2. He’s a sexy and elusive guy.

3. He’s not always available.

4. He may rub the lower part of your back at the movies, but not take it further.

5. He’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear in a low seductive voice.

6. He’ll wear something goofy like a hat to be the center of attention.

7. He’ll exclude you from the conversation with your girlfriends.

8. He’ll mirror everything in your online dating profile to share your dreams and passions.

9. He’s good and strategic and knows how to take a woman to bed.

10. He’ll become your instant dream man, but will disappear once the chase is over.

Have you ever dated a PUA? Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and is the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene and help them date in the digital age. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

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