In this week’s “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert,” a reader who’s in a 6-month relationship is frustrated that her steady boyfriend still wants to keep an active online dating profile up. Should she tell him to take it down? Is she really in an exclusive relationship? Does this relationship have a chance?
Here’s her question.
I’ve been seeing this person for around 6-months now. When we first started interacting I was informed he was on a dating website.
In my mind, it sounds like a hook-up or one-night stand type of site. I was fine with that because we had just met and I admired his honesty. Well now, we’ve been discussing being together long-term and moving the relationship forward from just seeing each other to more of a commitment, which is good.
The only issue is he still feels the need to stay online! His excuse is, “I’m an attention seeker and maybe I have a problem. And if ‘you’ want me to stop I will.”
Julie, I haven’t been in a serious relationship in over three years and that’s by my choice. I haven’t stumbled upon anyone I could genuinely be happy with. This one though is different. I was thinking I truly made him happy and he did the same for me. Apparently, I don’t think that’s the case. And what I’m not going to do is tell him I want him to be off the site and then months or weeks later find that he’s hiding his profile. I believe happiness should flow. Am I overreacting? What should I do?
6-Months and waiting.
I’m sorry you’re going through this kind of pain and I can assure you, that you’re not alone with your concerns.
I can guarantee you that if you feel this way after six months of being in a “committed” relationship, that you will feel even worse after the next six months on your one-year anniversary together. Can you imagine yourself loving your guy, talking about the future, moving in together, and then while he’s sleeping checking to see if he has a hidden dating profile on the site? Do you really want to enlist the help of your friends to spy on him? Do you really want to be with an insecure man who has the need to be loved by other women when he’s falling asleep in your arms every night? This, my friend is heavy drama and isn’t love.
When a man truly loves a woman and wants to call her his own, he plans a future, will let her know he’s exclusive, will take his online dating profile down, and permanently retire his Tinder app in a digital second. He won’t let another man will steal his girl away from him.
I have a problem with ultimatums in relationships, but I do believe that honesty and communication are everything. Kudos to your guy in being honest and admitting he has a profile up. Chances are his need for attention goes deeper than his love for you and probably goes back years-and-years before he ever met you. If you love him, ask him to go to counseling for this and offer to go with him as a couple. This way you both are investing in your future.
I’m not one to toss a 6-month relationship away, but no person should be made to feel like they are an option when they are talking about the future with someone they love. Let him know he makes you happy and that having an active dating profile up makes you uncomfortable. Ask him how he’d feel if you had a profile up as well and LISTEN more than talk.
If he agrees to take the profile down and work out these issues together, you could have a chance of happiness. If you believe he’s fooling around on the side and actually have proof, send him packing, put your own profile up and block him so you can move on.
You’ll know pretty quickly if you’re the one, or just the one for now.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Do you have a dating dilemma? Send your questions to “Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert” here.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating, having created her first profile over 20 years ago. Today, Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
You meet a guy and the chemistry is off the charts. You exchange numbers and start texting regularly. You get in a groove, start dating IRL or just have a regular daily text exchanges and POOF after a few weeks or a month, he disappears without warning.
Ghosting, the cowardly phenomenon where a woman or a man go from really into you to disappearing completely without an explanation is something I’m getting more and more emails about every day.
I have been on ten or more dates with this guy. We both agreed to see how things go. We both admitted we are into each other and we are not dating other people, however- we are not exclusive.
He had suddenly pulled away without warning after consistently talking for 6 weeks or so.
I am in agony right now as everything was going so well. I know men lie, but why did he tell me he saw a future with me when he didn’t mean it!?
My Dear Harriet:
In the world of dating, it takes time to get to know someone.
Six weeks can be a typical time for someone to decide to move a relationship forward to become exclusive.
I’m so sorry that you’re in pain, but did he really lie? He was feeling good about the relationship in the early honeymoon days so he projected to the future because if felt good.
You both decided to give it a shot and for some reason he wasn’t sure. You say you weren’t exclusive, which allows both of you to keep your options open. Now I haven’t spoken to your guy so I don’t know if he pulled away because he was getting too close or pulled away because he met someone else. He may have unilaterally decided that the two of you didn’t have enough in common to take it to the next level. He may have been hung up on an ex, not ready, or gone back with her. You didn’t say if you slept with him or not. There are to many unknowns here.
My best advice is to move forward with your life and start dating again. You might be surprised to find someone you even like more than the guy who did the pull-back.
However, you should know that sometimes guys need their space. They go into their caves to think and need time to decide if they miss you or not. It’s true that men miss you when you’re apart. The worst thing you can do if this is the case, is to chase after him wanting an answer, closure, or call him a liar. He was feeling it then. He isn’t feeling it now or may be confused.
Just live your life and be open to meeting someone else and realize that this is the typical course of dating. If he comes back, it means he took the time to think about a deeper relationship with you. If he didn’t, it was a six-week casual relationship. Think about it. You might have been the one after six weeks that had a change of heart about him!
Sure it stinks when someone disappears and you’re a victim of ghosting. It’s wrong, but very common these days. People don’t like to have a confrontation so they ghost. Keep me posted and do something special for yourself. Exercise or go to a movie with a friend.
By the time he comes back, if he comes back, you might no longer be interested in him.
I’ve been seeing this guy for three weeks now who I met online and we’ve gone out about 5 times. He seemed to be really interested in getting to know me and he sent me texts every day. Suddenly out of nowhere the texts came to a screeching halt. Not one phone call, no explanation. I guess I’ve been ghosted, but why?
My Dear Robin:
Three weeks is nothing in the dating world. If you met him online, chances are he’s still dating online and you both have active Internet dating or mobile dating profiles. He was probably playing the field, while you put all of your eggs in one basket.
If he’s going to ghost you (and boy do I hate when that happens), I’d rather it be sooner than later before your heart was completely invested. Chances are he met someone else or even already had a girlfriend when he first started contacting you and was testing the water. We unfortunately live in a world with too many options these days. One uncertainty leads to logging on to a Tinder profile.
Sure an explanation would have been good, but in today’s digital world, texting plays a huge part in the courting process. Since he didn’t send you a text to say, “Sorry, I don’t think we’re a fit,” he just may plan on reaching out again in a few weeks after he sees what else is out there. Hopefully by then, you’ll have met someone and won’t have any interest in the disappearing ghosting guy.
Keep me posted.
Have you ever been ghosted?
Send your dating questions and share your stories at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Need help with your Tinder profile? Find out how our Swiping Right program will help you find your dream date.
Did you know there are actual courses guys take to become a pick up artist?
The acronym is PUA and it’s more widespread than you think.
In this episode of YourTango Quickie series, I talk about the signs of a pick up artist.
Do you recognize any of these traits with the men you are dating?
1. He’s a smooth operator.
2. He’s a sexy and elusive guy.
3. He’s not always available.
4. He may rub the lower part of your back at the movies, but not take it further.
5. He’ll whisper sweet nothings in your ear in a low seductive voice.
6. He’ll wear something goofy like a hat to be the center of attention.
7. He’ll exclude you from the conversation with your girlfriends.
8. He’ll mirror everything in your online dating profile to share your dreams and passions.
9. He’s good and strategic and knows how to take a woman to bed.
10. He’ll become your instant dream man, but will disappear once the chase is over.
Have you ever dated a PUA? Your comments are welcome.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating and is the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene and help them date in the digital age. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
As the week draws to an end, it’s time to share our 10 favorite dating articles on the web and on Twitter for your weekend reading pleasure in Cyber Love Links — Links to Love, When You’re in the Mood for Love.
1. On Thought Catalog, we enjoyed 10 Reasons Not to Give Up on Love by Chelsea Fagan. I’m sure you can relate to some, if not all of these.
2. Our friends at Men’s Fitness asked the ladies what they didn’t like about emails from male online daters. Here are their findings with Do’s and Don’ts of Online Dating.
3. On the flip side, on eHarmony, the ladies should read 10 Things Women Should Never Say to Men.
4. In time for Passover, we loved JDate’s article, Don’t Pass Over the JDate Haggadah. Will you take a date to a Seder? We’d love to know.
5. A huge Happy 5th Birthday to our friends at The Frisky. My how time flies! We’re happy to share their 15 Dating Don’ts Worth Repeating Again.
6. We enjoyed the post on Your Tango, What to Do on a 1st Date to Make Him Fall for You? Not sure about that first kiss? Read this post and put on some lip gloss.
7. In the thank you department, a huge thanks to Fox News for including our tips in Should You Ditch Online Dating?
8. So grateful to Cosmpolitan for the interview, How to Rock the Perfect Online Dating Profile Pic
9. Take a peek at my latest column on DatingAdvice.com, How to Ramp up Your Online Dating Profile.
10. Really dug in with a personal story on Huffington Post in Googling Your Dates ~Can It Backfire?
Have a favorite story to share with us? Post it in our comments.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter
If you have the urge to reconnect with an ex at the holidays, know that it’s normal.
As a dating expert and relationship coach, many of my clients and their friends are telling me they?ve reconnected this holiday season with long-lost loves. Yes, you?re recycling an ex, but why not give it a shot again with someone you have a history with?
Perhaps it starts off innocently in November with a text message or email saying ?Happy Thanksgiving.? It?s a safe way to reach out and reconnect without feeling you?ll get rejected by picking up the phone. If you receive a favorable reply, it’s likely to make you feel warm and fuzzy.
You may find yourself projecting into the future. Should you ask him or her to the office holiday party? What are their Christmas and New Year?s plans?
With holiday break-up season at its peak, it?s normal to wonder if he or she is in a relationship of still thinks about you from time-to-time.
What are the rules for recycling an ex at the holidays?
Here are ?5 tips on how to attend a special holiday event with your former beau or girlfriend to make it a better experience for all involved.
1.? Don?t try to pick up where you left off. Don?t assume your ex wants to get back together long-term. Try and look at this as a new friendship or the beginning of a new relationship that just happened to resurface during the holidays. Don?t start planning your future all over again and keep the expectations low. Live in the moment on your first date together.
2. Don?t talk about your dating history while you were apart. Perhaps one of you had a lusty affair and the other never got over your initial break-up. There?s no reason to compare bad date stories or wonder how many people your ex went to bed with. Keep the conversation on a need-to-know basis. They simply don?t need to know what happened during your hiatus.
3. Do keep the conversation light and easy. Just like your initial first dates, remember to leave the drama behind. You might think the familiarity should allow you to accelerate things, but being a ?Debbie or Donnie Downer? will turn him or her away faster than you can imagine. Ask about his or her family and how work is going or talk about the latest accomplishments of your children. If your former love interest says they?re seeing someone, respect their relationship status and don?t try to talk them out of it.
4. Don?t talk about what went wrong. You know the reason you broke up. He or she knows the reason you broke up. There?s no need to rehash the past and spend time going down memory lane.
5. Don?t sleep together. Avoid being overly affectionate in public the first time you see each other after a break-up. Unless you really want a ?Friends with Benefits? relationship, don?t immediately end up back in bed. You may wake up regretting it in the morning when your emotions are at an all-time high, as you wonder where the relationship will go.
If all goes well, hopefully you’ll put a second date on the calendar. Or better yet, you’ll rekindle a friendship with someone you admire who has a network of friends he or she might introduce you to.
If you have personally experienced recycling an ex, feel free to share your stories and comment. If you’re interested in trying some of our favorite dating sites, click here.
Julie Spira is an online dating and relationship expert. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie?s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating. For more dating advice, visit CyberDatingExpert.com, where you can sign up for the Weekly Flirt. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
In time for the weekend, we’re sharing our favorite articles and tweets this week, along with a few thanks to our special friends for including us in their stories.
Our favorite quote this week was, “Don’t be a woman who needs a man. Be a woman a man needs.” We thought it was worth sharing.
A special thank you to AARP who featured our advice for dating safely online, in Spanish. We had a blast using Google.com/translate to find the title of,?Meet Your Next Love Online, Safely. The timing was perfect as it was in conjunction with MTV’s premiere of the TV show, Catfish. We know many people lie in their online dating profiles, but some take it even further. In Catfish, a woman thought she was dating a hot male model, only to find out in person that her online beau was actually a woman who had been bullied in school.
When I first wrote The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, I had fallen for a handsome attorney from across the country. After 5 hours of communicating every day for three months, we finally met in person. Not only was he not recognizable, but he had a wife at home who didn’t know about his double-identity. When I figured out the truth, he removed his profile and created a new one under a new user name. Not everyone lies and there are many stories in our Cyber Love Story of the Week that we enjoy sharing. So do remember to practice your online dating safety rules and know that online dating sites take the safety of their members seriously. If you meet someone deceptive, report them to the dating site.
The lessons we’ll learn from Catfish and other sharing their stories is to trust your intuition, take your time, and meet as soon as possible in-real-life, so you don’t become digital pen-pals and get your heart broken. A SKYPE date for a long-distance relationship will hopefully help you see the object of your digital affection sooner, rather than later. Future episodes will air on Mondays at 11pm/ET, 10pm/CT.
Other stories we loved this week included MYAKA’s INFOGRAPHIC called A Single Woman Enters the Bar. From having an exit strategy to did they ask for your number, you’ll enjoy this dating advice and may recognize a type or two.
Our friends at eHarmony contributed a guest post this week called, Filter and Flirt: How to Find Love Online. They’re having another Free Weekend through Monday and calling it Ready, Set Love! Click here to sign up to find a date for the holidays. On Buzzfeed, Amy Odell writes about Tyra Banks giving online dating advice to create the perfect profile photo. Our friend Alan Roger Currie wrote about his take on the General Petraeus affair on Examiner.com and Match Happen magazine featured an article, Online Daters Reveal Why They Got in Touch, that we really enjoyed.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Recently on MensFitness.com, I was asked to chime in on some of the huge mistakes both men and women were making in their online dating profiles. As an online dating expert and one who has studied the industry since its infancy, the list could have easily jumped to 50 items. Meredith Bodgas selected her top 10 favorites for the story, 10 Little Ways to Kill Your Online Dating Game. We were glad to contribute to the story.
1. DON’T include a laundry list of turnoffs in your profile.
No one wants to date a guy who?s too judgmental.? Instead, mention the traits you do want in a girlfriend. You?ll seem way less negative.
2. DON’T Say you want a ?drama-free? woman.
It’s a clich? that will not only turn a woman off, but it sends the message that you?ve got excess baggage regarding your ex. Most women will realize you have unresolved issues from past relationships and probably take a pass. Instead, stick to naming the positive qualities you seek in a mate or a date.
3.? DON’T Mention sex in your profile.
Include that, and the ladies may think that you’re looking for a hook up. Worried you?ll wind up with a prude? Don?t. Women know that intimacy?s part of the package if the relationship moves forward.
4.?DON’T Start IMing right away.
Many women don?t like receiving IMs from men whose profiles they haven?t read yet. So start the dialogue with an e-mail to give her a chance to check out your details. And hold off on IMing until you?ve exchanged a few e-mails. It’s a digital courtship and you need to know the rules to play the game and win.
5.?DON’T Tell a woman she?s hot.
Focusing on the physical makes a woman feel you?re not interested in getting to know the real her. Mention something else you admired about her profile if you want your email to be taken seriously.
6. DON’T Wait too long to ask her out.
I believe you should take your relationship from online to offline after a few e-mails,? otherwise, you?ll end up with a digital pen-pal, which isn?t quite the point of online dating. If there?s chemistry after one phone chat, set a date to meet in person.
Do you have an online dating story to share? Share your Success Stories to be featured in our Cyber Love Story of the Week and let us know about your bad dates in our Peril of the Week.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Happy Friday. It’s time for our weekend wrap up of Cyber Love Links.
We’re always so grateful to thank those who have featured us or mentioned our dating advice, but also love sharing some of our favorite tweets and stories on the web for your reading pleasure.
A huge thank you to Men’s Fitness, where we were quoted in two stories this week, 10 Little Ways to Kill Your Online Dating Game from Meredith Bogas and Answers from a Hot Girl: Do Women Really Want Chivalry? from our friend Jenna Birch. We say yes! Chivalry is still alive and well, so men we love it when you stand out from the most and do open the door for us. Thank you to Best Dating Sites for listing @JulieSpira as one of the Top Experts on Dating and Relationship Advice on Twitter.
Worried about online dating safety? So are we. Thank you to NBC News in Raleigh who did an in-depth story and including our safety tips called An Online Dating Horror Story. We’re not here to scare you, but are committed to helping you spot the red flags to enjoy your online dating journey. Gratitude to Prevention magazine for being featured in Text Mistakes You’re Making. How to Improve Your Text Life With These 6 Tips.
On Twitter, our friends at Mashable just posted Four Steps for Using Your Mobile Device to Jumpstart Your Love Life. So grab your lipstick and change your location-based-options and let us know how you like it. We also retweeted Ask Men’s video on Long Distance Relationships. Yes, they can be tough, but you can keep the spark alive through texting, tweeting, and Skyping so absence will make the heart grown fonder instead of making it go wander.
Our friend Natasha Burton wrote a terrific post on iVillage, Dating Online? Watch Out For These Red Flags to Avoid Distasters. On eHarmony Advice, we enjoyed, In Online Dating: Who Should Make the First Move? Ladies, men do love a little nudge here and there.
Finally, one of our favorite article was featured in the Los Angeles Times, The Dating Game’s Rebooting Call, featuring new fun niche dating sites.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
~Julie and the Cyber-Dating Expert Team
Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter,? like Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert, and sign up for the Weekly Flirt newsletter.
It?s with great enthusiasm to announce that I?m teaming up with Bloomingdales for an exciting event called, Beauty 101: Meet Your Match. The event will be held in their Los Angeles ? Century City store on Saturday, October 20th from 1pm ? 2pm and 4pm ? 5pm.
We all know that getting ready for a date requires a bit of effort. With so many beauty lines to choose from, how do you know which is best for you? Should you lean in for the important first kiss wearing pink lipstick or red?
If you?ve heard of speed dating, the concept is similar. How it works is 30 participants will be seated at individual tables for each session. Every five minutes, you’ll switch tables and meet experts from Bloomingdales? prestigious cosmetics lines who will show you the best products for you. I?ll be on hand providing dating and relationship advice for each participant, so get your questions ready.
Your $25 ticket will be redeemable for purchases in the Cosmetics department. We?ll have light refreshments, free samples, and the chance to win one of the many luxurious Cosmetics baskets. You?ll leave looking perfect for your date night.
Tickets are limited and are available in advance at any cosmetics counter at the Century City store or by calling 310-772-2144.
Julie Spira is an online dating and relationship expert. She?s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online? and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more datingadvice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
You know it?s important to date your mate or significant other after the honeymoon phase is over, but it?s easy to get caught up with work deadlines and juggling your calendar.
As a dating expert, my number one piece of advice is for couples to create the ritual of scheduling a ?Date Night? every week. This can actually save your relationship from fading away. Not sure where to start?
Here are 5 Relationship tips to keep your date sizzling both online and offline.
1. Select a day and stick to it. Make sure you know your date night won?t be pre-empted by a baseball game or a standing nail appointment and stick to it. Know that every week on the same evening, you?ll be scheduling a romantic evening for you and your honey. Date night is sacred. Hire a babysitter or dog sitter and take a pass on the happy hour invite. If you’re sweetheart is out of town, schedule a Skype date as we know that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
2. Take turns on scheduling plans. Every week, you and your honey should alternate as to who selects the outing. Get creative. It can be as simple as in-room-dining by candlelight, to finding events to attend such as comedy shows, movies, plays, or free concerts. It doesn’t have to break the bank, so check out Groupon, Living Social or the free outdoor concerts in your area.
3. Pre-date night foreplay. Show some enthusiasm and excitement leading up to your date. Leave a love note on your pillow or send a sexy text messages to each other in anticipation of your special night. Take out the lingerie that has been collecting dust in your bureau and wear it all day long. Let him know in a text message. He’ll be anxious to leave work, perhaps even a little bit earlier than usual.
4. Leave the boardroom behind. If you have had a fight with your boss or are worried about an upcoming presentation, take a break from talking about it on date night. There’s plenty of time to talk about work outside of your special evening. He wants bedroom eyes, not boardroom drama.
5. Memorialize it. Be your own love historian. Bring your iPhone to take cute photos and videos, log onto Instagram and post a lovey-dovey shot of you and your your sweetheart, and upload them to your photo sharing account on Flickr or to Facebook. If you?ve already announced to the world that you?re ?In a Relationship,” use Facebook’s timeline to announce your first kiss or vacation together. Upload your favorite shot of the two of you onto your desktop for quick viewing in between date nights and keep it handy on your mobile phone.
The simple ritual of creating a date night can help you become as excited as you did during the first three months of dating, and can last for months, years, or decades to come.
Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. She was a very early adopter of online dating and creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. Julie helps shorten the search so you can happily ride into the digital sunset together. ?Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com for dating advice and follow Julie @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert