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When Should I Talk About My Ex, or Should I?

 
Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert - Ex
 
The question of reaching out to an ex during the pandemic is a popular one at Cyber-Dating Expert, but what do you do if you’ve met someone new, and you keep bringing your ex to the table? 
 
There’s always been an unspoken rule in dating that talking about your ex is an off-limits subject on a first date, or especially during the early days of dating.
 
It’s a huge turn-off to your new partner because it sends the message that you’re possibly not over your ex, or you’re playing the comparison game. No one wants to walk on eggshells with you, so refrain from talking about the ex, so you and your new partner can start with a clean slate, and you don’t end up in a complicated love triangle.
 
It’s not necessary to talk about an ex, but somehow these default questions frequently come up of, “So how long have you been single,” or “How long was your last relationship?” Just because someone asks, it doesn’t mean they genuinely want to know the answer. It falls into the category of asking how many people have you slept with. You know your answer will be judged as having too many, or not enough. I believe the same holds true with constant banter about someone from your past.
 
 
Still, you might run into your ex if you have mutual friends or might even be good friends with a previous partner.
 
If that’s the case, you should let your date know that you’re proud that you’ve been able to keep a healthy friendship with your ex, but there’s no chance of reconciliation. 
 
This conversation should only come up if you know you’re in a promising relationship, where you’ve agreed to be exclusive, and if you travel traveling in the same circles as your ex.
 
If you’re going to attend a birthday party, holiday gathering, or will be on the same virtual happy hour together, it’s best to let your partner know your ex will be at the same event. 
 
You should always avoid bashing your ex, or complaining about your sexual life because your partner will assume you could say the same about them. 
 
The conversation about the ex will come up at some point, and I firmly believe the best approach is to say they’re an ex for a reason, or the relationship ran its course, but you’re still cordial.
 
When you talk about an ex with someone new, it comes across as baggage that you’re still carrying. I believe in taking the high road, not pointing out all of the flaws in your past relationships, and instead praise the things you like about your new relationship. Let your new boo know how grateful you are that you’ve met theme, and are happy they’re at your side. 
 
If you’re directly asked about your past history or an ex early on in your relationship, I believe you should change the subject, or say something flirty such as, “An ex? I thought you were my first.”
 
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over 25 years. Find out how the Dress Rehearsal service will help you get ready for your virtual dates, and FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram

Ask the Virtual Dating Expert – Should I Reach Out to my Ex During Corona?

During this period of self-isolation, quarantining, and when life seems so uncertain, it’s not unusual to reach out to old friends, family members, and of course, the ex who’s still on your mind.

Whether you’re sending a text to rekindle the spark, or just because you really care about their being, now’s the perfect time to reach out and say hello.

Chris, a reader sent in this question to Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert on this subject.

Dear Julie,

I hope you’re staying safe and healthy during this crazy time.

I’m reaching out because I could really use some advice. I would like to reach out to my ex, but I’m not sure what is the best approach.

We stopped speaking eight years ago, and I tried calling her 3 years ago, but received no response (please note, I sent her a follow-up text). I’m assuming this was her way of saying no.

If given the opportunity, I would try to take the approach of showcasing to her the new person I am but haven’t had the chance.

When we stopped speaking, we were 20 and didn’t end on the best of terms, but I feel like now that we’re two older adults, eight years later, maybe things could be different. Please note, she lives in New York, and I’ve been living in L.A. for the past six years.

Would reaching out to her again after my previous attempt even be worth it?

Thank you Julie. Any and all guidance would be appreciated.

Chris

RELATED: 8 Reasons Why She Didn’t Reply to Your Text

Dear Chris,

Thanks for reaching out. You’re not alone.

It’s been a busy time with people connecting on dating apps to meet someone new, and a lot of singles are reaching out to an ex to check in and make sure they’re safe during COVID-19.

If you try to reach out, it can’t jump in to sell the “new you” to her, and should only do so to show your concern for her health and well-being.

If you take the “look at the new me,” approach, she may feel like you’re pressuring her into an instant relationship and have ulterior motives, and it will backfire for sure, and most likely result in you getting ghosted again.

Plus, we don’t know if she’s in a relationship, or the thought about entering a long-distance relationship is something of no interest to her, especially with someone where there was a bad breakup.

For now, you’ve still got her on a pedestal, reliving past memories and hoping for a new future, which isn’t realistic.

WATCH: What to Do if He Only Wants to Text Me

Keep in mind, you don’t even know what she’s like in today’s time, eight years later. Perhaps her personality has changed, and you won’t like the “new her,” and if you met today, it wouldn’t be a fit.

Still, try to stay in the friend zone, because that’s all anyone’s ex can be right now, it’s the perfect time to reach out to her in a text to say: 

“Hi (insert name), I hope you’re safe and well during this crazy time.” Then add your first name.

Don’t ask her to answer a bunch of questions, don’t ask her about her relationship status and if she’s seeing anyone, or would consider getting back together.

Living in the past can haunt you, as you try to navigate love moving forward, which is an ideal time, as 75% of singles on the Love Poll in Dating in the Age of COVID-19 say they’re looking for a meaningful and long-term relationship.

If there’s any time to reach out, it would be now, but don’t start jumping into lengthy text exchanges, and don’t be surprised if you don’t hear back.

Reaching out once the crisis is over would be less genuine, so now’s the time to show you care, with no expectations. Consider your ex, an old friend, and everyone changes in the course of close to a decade.

Start looking for someone online who’s terrific and wants to meet someone just like you. If you’ve truly evolved in the past eight years, someone will benefit from your self-growth.

Keep me posted!

Julie

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over 25 years, and as a virtual dating expert, helps singles master video dating with her Dress Rehearsal service.