I’m frustrated with something happening in my relationship and hope you can help.
Can you please help me understand what my boyfriend means when he says, “He misses chatting to girls, because he enjoys their conversations more than male conversations.”
He added that he also misses the fact that he can talk to them without people jumping to conclusions.
Do you think he misses being single and having the excitement of taking to new girls? We’ve been dating for almost a year and we’re very similar and haven’t been in a fight as yet, because we usually talk through things before it becomes a problem.
My Dear Anneline,
As a dating expert, I can tell you that your boyfriend clearly needs the validation that other girls still like him, even if he is hopelessly devoted to you. I don’t know if the two of you met online or out-and-about, but it’s clear to me that he’s keeping his options open. Perhaps he’s insecure or just got addicted to online dating and can’t take his profile down.
I don’t know if he’s chatting on social media sites such as snapchat, Facebook, WhatsApp or actually has a profile on Tinder or Bumble and is chatting that way. Either way, I look at chatting and flirting with other women when you’re in a relationship as a bit of emotional cheating and a larger case of insecurity.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Many years ago, I had a boyfriend who I met online. When it was time to take out profiles down, we did it together and agreed to be exclusive. Everything seemed fine, except one day later, he admitted that he was having a digital withdrawal of women no longer looking at him online. He wasn’t writing back to them, nor was he scheduling dates. He had been online for so long that disconnecting became painful to him. He loved having the digital ego boost of a woman writing to him or viewing his profile. He got over it, but it caused him stress.
If your boyfriend is on a dating app and chatting, it’s grounds for breaking up. He can chat to “friends” on facebook without telling the world he’s on a dating site and available.
The reason that men don’t even like to change their relationship status, is because until they’ve committed totally, they don’t want to feel that they will never sleep with another woman ever again. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s fairly accurate.
Let your boyfriend know you don’t mind him having female platonic friends and that you have male platonic friends as well. But be clear, you’re not interested in being with anyone who wants to keep his options open, so unless the people he’s chatting with know about you or you’re mutual friends, you have a right to tell him flat out that it’s disrespectful to you. Ask him how he’d feel if you were flirting with other guys pretending you didn’t have a boyfriend. I doubt he’d like that either.
I’m not saying you should break up, but let him know that you’re a woman who deserves to be respected and he should refocus his flirting behavior and chats and direct them at you.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
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Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.