This scene may sound familiar. You meet a guy and have an instant connection. You start flirting back and forth and the next thing you know, you?re wondering, Are we in a relationship? Are the feelings mutual?
When Deb wrote to me with this familiar scenario after sending multiple flirty text messages to each the new man she had a crush on, she was concerned that things were moving too quickly. Was she becoming too attached?
Deb now wonders if her new guy is a player as he was also flirting with other women. She became anxious about the situation. Now her dream guy is sending her emails and text messages saying that he loves her. Even more confused, she called him out on his flirtatious behavior, of which he replied, ?I get it.? Should she move forward with this guy? What should she do?
Well Deb, some people are born flirts. Instant chemistry is rare and when we find it, we automatically fast-forward our feelings and start thinking about our relationship, our future, marriage, children, the works. But slow down Deb. Why is this guy who?s texting you with love notes flirting with others in the same sentence as he uses the ?L? word so freely. Just how many other women does he say that to? Is he waiting to hear it back to feed his ego or is he sincere?
A man who is committed to being in a relationship with you isn?t going to screw it up by making you jealous and putting himself in the position of being discarded, with his phone number permanently deleted on your iPhone and in your heart.
What should you do? Play the field. Yes. There?s no ring on your finger, and hopefully you haven?t been intimate yet. Don?t confuse love with lust. While your emotions and hormones are running at high speed, you don?t know his intentions other than he?s that instant chemistry guy, which can be dangerous. I know this first hand, as I wrote about it in my book The Perils of Cyber-Dating, when I too, had that instant chemistry with a guy I met. It turned out that he was a major player, and just like the Fleetwood Mac song, Dreams, I’ll hum the line, ?Players on love you when they?re playing.? It?s a game that can leave you feeling empty and alone.
My advice is simply, to take it slow. Date other men. Don?t sleep with this chemistry guy. Have fun flirting here and there, but don?t assume you?re in a relationship. Some relationships that start off hot-and-heavy, end just as quickly.
Hopefully your guy is different. Perhaps he?s just nervous. Texting can?t replace quality time in person. Take a look at my latest YourTango Experts video, where I address the texting issue in a relationship. Time will tell if your guy is for real and time is a precious gift.
Keep me posted.
Wishing you much love and happiness.
Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Follow her @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert. ?