Even nice girls sometimes find themselves in the position of “friends with benefits” with a guy they are crazy about. Here’s Lynda’s story.
I met with coaching client Lynda who needed dating and relationship advice. At our session, she tells me she’s in love with a man she met online. She’s so excited that she shows me the picture of her beau on her iPhone. He indeed was handsome and her enthusiasm for Greg was overwhelming. So why was Lynda out alone on a Saturday night without the love of her life?? Linda explained that it’s been an on-again, off-again relationship for seven months. During this period, the two would have a three months of truly being a couple and then it would fade out for a month. During that month period, Lynda tried to get Greg jealous by letting him know about other men she was dating. She hoped that he’d run back to her and together they’d ride off in the sunset.
The jealous games didn’t work. Lynda ended up becoming a friends with benefits to Greg, sleeping with him with the hope that the sex would draw him back to her.? She didn’t want to hear those words and was convinced that she could find a way to make Greg love her. I explained to Lynda that you can’t make a man fall in love with you. He has to feel it. He has to want it. He’ll accept the fun times and sex, but that doesn’t men he loves you. He likes hanging out with you and having sex when it’s convenient. She knew I was right.
So Lynda asked me point blank, “How do I break from being his friend with benefits?” She asked, ” How can I change the relationship so I become his girlfriend again?”? Lynda isn’t alone. I hear this question all of the time.
The problem is, Lynda didn’t set her requirements from the onset of their relationship.? She thought being physical would become the glue to love rather than requiring a commitment before becoming intimate. There’s nothing wrong with being physical if you want to have fun and play. The problem is most women bond once they sleep with men and start dreaming of a future together.? They confuse lust with love.
My dating advice for Lynda: I told her to break off the relationship completely. I suggested that she tell him her needs aren’t being met and that she will be dating commitment oriented men. The physical contact had to stop. Every time she thought of sending him a cute text message needed to end. She needed to withdraw from this man emotionally and physically. Yes, it was tough love, but if Greg realizes that Lynda is the one for him, he’ll step up to the plate. She needs to define her requirements for a relationship. Either he’ll come back ready to commit, or he won’t. In the meantime, perhaps she will meet someone else who she is more compatible with and leave the friends with benefits behind.
Julie Spira is a dating and relationship expert and bestselling author. She is the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com where you can sign up for the Weekly Flirt.
Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.