Dear Julie,
I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish and we’ve been dating for about six months. We took your advice and both took our profiles down together as a bit of a ceremony and celebration after two months of dating and have even been talking about the future.
Last week, my friend saw a new POF profile that he posted with a different name, as he viewed hers while he was searching.
My heart is broken. I confronted him on it and he said it was an old profile, one he had before he met me, but deep down I think he always had two profiles up and that I’ve been played.
I’m not sure if I can trust him or not or if I’m overreacting. Please help.
Disappointed in Baton Rouge
Dear Disappointed,
I can feel your pain and what you’re going through is not uncommon. As a matter of fact, I hear this all the time.
Often when a man gets too close to a woman, especially around the 6-month mark, he starts to panic. Men are very basic. The thought of never sleeping with another woman again feels like death to him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or that you aren’t the best thing that’s ever happened to him in the whole wide world.
The Internet makes it so easy for people to take a peek to see who else is out there, especially if he’s thinking about a more permanent relationship with you. In the bestselling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus , author John Gray talks about the rubber-band man. The guy who gets really close to you and then has to retreat and disappear when he needs time for the tension in the rubber band to build up again. Sometimes he goes into his cave and doesn’t want to be with you. Other times, he pulls back because he isn’t sure of his feelings about love and commitment. Either way, don’t chase after him and ask what’s wrong.
Before you think he’s breaking your heart, give it a little time. A pull back and new Internet dating profile are both something to be concerned with, but don’t overreact just yet. Accusing him of messing around on you isn’t the answer. If he wants to be with you, let him know you’d appreciate him taking down the second profile, but don’t insist on it. It’s up to him to decide if he wants to continue fishing and run the risk of losing a lifetime of love with you.
Now is not the time to get even and put up your profile and start dating until you’ve resolved this issue together. If he truly wants to date others, wish him well and do so as well.
There are over 2500 dating sites and mobile dating apps, so if you decide it’s time to move on find a different site to hang your digital hat. You don’t find yourself staring at his profile and obsessing whether he’s found someone else or not.
Looking at other women online is very hurtful, I know. It’s emotional cheating, even if he isn’t setting up other dates. But it also gives him the time to look at some photos and decide if you’re the one he wants to move forward with. Think of it as if he’s looking at photos in a magazine. I know it’s worse, but remember, your friend saw his profile online, she didn’t catch him in bed with another woman.
Please keep us posted.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.
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Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.
It is a sad fact of the internet though? it does make it so much easier to find other people just by the click of a mouse. I suppose there’s both an upside and a downside to it. Great for those seeking a partner, true love, etc? and simple to cheat. Though, as you suggested there are plenty of fish in the sea. If it’s not meant to be, just move on! 馃檪