Should I email my ex, whose online dating profile is active? : Cyber Dating Expert
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Should I email my ex, whose online dating profile is active?

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radioshowlogoDear Cyber-Dating Expert,

I desperately need some online dating advice. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a year ago. I know he hasn’t had a serious girlfriend since me, but I see that his profile is back up on OkCupid.

I know you told me I could block him online and unfriend him on Facebook so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable when I logged on looking for love. I don’t want him out of my life permanently. Do you think I should email him on the site with a friendly hello? I can’t stop thinking about him. ~Linda

Dear Linda,

This is a question that single daters ask me all of the time. If he’s online and I’m online, why shouldn’t we give it a second shot? Chances are he’s well aware that you also have an active profile as well. Although every break up is different, a year is enough time for the anger and disappointment to have waned. Since I don’t know who ended the relationship, it’s hard to say what his reaction might be. If you still can’t get him out of your head, don’t write to him to rekindle the romance. Men know they need to be hunters and he isn’t contacting you. If you must write to him, do it in a friendly, humorous way, without the intentions of falling in love, going steady, and riding into the digital sunset together.

The best advice I can give you is to find someone else. There are millions of singles hoping to start a new relationship online that will go the distance. Yours did not. If you decide to write to him, before doing so, get out a piece of paper or create a document on your computer. List the pros and cons of your past relationship. Knock him off the pedestal and be honest about why you broke up and what really irritated you. Did he forget important holidays? Did he refuse to introduce you to his friends and family? Did his job, pets, and buddies rank higher on the totem pole than you did? If so, forget about writing and look for someone new.

If after completing the exercise, you still want to contact him, do it as a friend only. Type something in the subject line that’s non threatening such as “The Computer.” In the body of the email, simply say “Hi! The computer thought you were a good match (sigh). I hope you’re doing great.” That’s it two sentences.

Don’t ask for a reply and don’t expect one. You reached out in a non-threatening way and wished him well. If your former beau goes down memory lane on his own and remembers the good times and suggests getting together, be open to doing so, without jumping for joy with excitement. Even if you have lunch with him, you can’t pick up where you left off. A new friendship may develop. Don’t compare notes as to your good and bad dates during the time you were apart. Be his friend first if the opportunity arises. Then be open to the possibilities. The door is in his court, but you’re the one opening it.

Keep us posted.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira

Cyber-Dating Expert

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