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How to Handle the Dreaded Pull Back

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowOne of our most popular dating advice blog posts, What to Do When He Pulls Back, is still getting a lot of comments.

I get it that so many of you are in such pain and don’t understand it when things are going great, why your boyfriend will disappear, call you less, stop texting, or even take the more drastic action of breaking up.

Our recent comment comes from A. As a dating expert and coach, I can tell you that she’s not alone. Read her relationship problem and feel free to comment.

Dear Julie

Wow! I’ve been researching the web for answers for about a month now and it seems like your article just answered all of my questions.

I’ve dated a guy for 3 months. It seems like he was the one and made me feel like I was the one too. He never said “I love you” but I felt like he was in love… He was texting me at least twice a day, we saw each other every 2 weeks (we had a long distance relationship and he had his son every other week).

He wrote me a beautiful birthday card, I met his son and BAM, a week later, he left just saying he was scared and that maybe, he didn’t love me enough to continue in this relationship. I asked to discuss more but he just disappeared.

Note: he is also getting through some stressful times at work + his last relationship with his son’s mom ended very badly.

A month later, I still haven’t heard from him but I still think he loves me and made a big mistake. I know it was stressful for him and he probably just was overwhelmed. It was a big deal for him to introduce me to his son as well.

Anyways. I am still hopeful. What do you think? Can he realize that it was all about stress? How long can it take? I am slowly moving on but he was “my man” and I still feel that our story is not over…

Thanks 🙂

Dear A.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re guy had to pull back and couldn’t handle a serious relationship with you. Timing is always an important factor in relationships. The trick is to meet the right person at the right time and have a relationship move forward effortlessly.

Unfortunately it’s often not the case. Either someone is in transition from a previous relationship, has work issues that are higher on the totem pole than a relationship, or needs space. You might be the right person at the wrong time. I can’t tell you that for sure, as I’ve never met nor spoken with your now ex-boyfriend.

What I can tell you is that men often need space and time to figure things out without having outside pressure. Also, three months is a critical time for all relationships. I call it the first trimester of love. This is when the honeymoon phase takes place and both  men and women reanalyze their relationship statuses at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, and one year. Three months is probably the most frequent time that I see people breaking up, deciding they don’t want to step it up to a more serious stage, which does include agreeing to be in a committed relationship, saying “I love you,” and more of a groove.

When a man says “I love you,” outside of the bedroom and afterglow of sex, it’s really a big deal to them. They project to the future and if they aren’t ready, they’ll disappear if they think that’s what you want.

That being said, if he comes to his senses and realizes what a prize you are, he’ll come back. If he said he was scared, he was being authentic and genuine. The guy has his hands full!

The big questions is, will you still be available if and when he returns? At this point, you need to start dating and maybe you’ll even meet someone who’s a better match for you. This can’t happen if you’re pining away for the guy you adored for just three months.

Go and be confident and become available for love. The right person will find you. Your guy just isn’t ready for anything serious, or isn’t ready for anything serious with you. (sorry)

Be grateful that you could have such strong feelings for someone, but if he comes back, it will be because you aren’t needy and he is ready. For now, there’s no reason to chase him or expect your guy to magically come back. There’s no calendar date. He may even meet someone else, but if his feelings for you were stronger, he will realize that by comparison.

I know it hurts. I’ve been there and can tell you, often they do come back. It comes down to a question of timing.

Perhaps if and when he resurfaces, you’ll no longer have a relationship status of “single.” No matter what, don’t chase him. Live your fabulous life and surround yourself with friends and activities. If it’s meant to be, it will be, but he will need to be the one to realize that.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

Julie

Follow dating expert @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for relationship advice.

 

Valentine?s Day Dating Dos and Don?ts

Valentine's Dating Dos and Don'tsNow that it?s February, Valentine?s Day is just around the corner. I?ve always said that Valentine?s Day for a woman is like the Super Bowl for men, so pick up some red candy hearts, grab your lipstick, and read our 10 tips to prepare for the Super Bowl of Love, Valentine?s Day.

1. Do discuss Valentine?s Day with the person you are dating. If one of you loves the holiday and the other can?t bear it, come up with a compromise. Valentine?s is on a Tuesday this year. Pick a night for a romantic dinner in between the Super Bowl and Valentine?s and avoid the high-priced dining reservations.

2. Don?t wait until the week before to ask her to spend the Valentine?s with you. If you are dating someone special and you know for sure you?d like her to be your Valentine, ask her out at least two weeks in advance.

3. Do make a dinner reservation for February 14th, even if you?re dateless on February 1st. Go ahead and reserve a table and be open to the possibilities. You can always cancel the reservation when it gets closer to Valentine?s Day, if you haven?t already developed a new crush during crunch time.

4. Don?t ask her out for Valentine?s Day in an email or a text message. This is the time for you to either pick up the phone and call or better yet, ask her in person if your relationship is going well.

5. Do try in-room dining this year. Light some candles, cook up a simple meal in the kitchen together and look forward to a steamy dessert.

6. Don?t go overboard with flowers. It?s the thought that counts. Stop by your local grocery story and pick up one long stemmed rose. It has the same impact as the full dozen and is 1/12th the price.

7. Do accept invitations for Valentine?s dances and parties the weekend before February 14th if you?re single. You won?t feel alone with so many other singles in a fun and flirty setting. Wear pink or red for the occasion and say yes if someone asks you to be his or her Valentine. You may not fall in love with your Valentine, but you might just find a new loyal friend.

8. Don?t make gift giving too much pressure. You may still be paying off your credit card bill from the holidays. A card, a hug, and some lingerie and massage oils will make a memorable evening and won?t break the bank.

10. Do wake up in the morning and wish your loved one a Happy Valentine?s Day in a voicemail, email, or text message to let them know that you?re looking forward to spending the evening together. If you?re friends on Facebook and have posted your status as ?In a Relationship,? take it a step further and wish them a Happy Valentine?s Day on their wall.

9. Don?t be blue if you can?t be with your sweetheart on Valentine?s Day. Schedule a SKYPE date, wear red, put on your lipstick, and flirt the night away with your long distance love.

Do you look forward to or dread Valentine?s Day? We?d like to hear your comments.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt and Like us at Facebook. Follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira

Reading Room – Sealing the Deal by Dr. Diana Kirschner

Sealing the Deal - Dr. Diana Kirschner

When I had the opportunity to read an advanced copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I not only jumped at the chance, but I also formally endorsed this relationship book. I believe in Dr. Diana Kirschner’s work. As the Love Mentor, Dr. Diana gives you concrete tools to really help you find and keep the love you are looking for.

You’ll start off by signing a “Lasting Love Contract.” It’s been proven that if you actually write your desires and wishes down and read them, you’ll have a much more likely chance of having them come to fruition. Dr.Diana also instructs you to write down your fears and will help you determine if he’s really “the one.”

I encourage readers to pick up a copy of this book,? because we all know that everyone wants to love and be loved. With Dr. Diana’s help, you’ll start believing in the possibilities. Her relationship advice is spot on. Sealing the Deal is a welcome addition to the Cyber Dating Expert Reading Room. Enjoy!

Click here to purchase your copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love

Relationship Advice – To Snoop, or Not to Snoop

Ask the Cyber-Dating ExpertRecently, Ella wrote in for some relationship advice. ?She’s concerned that her boyfriend of two-months might have a roving cyber eye.

The two met on an online dating site and moved in together about a month ago. A few weeks ago, Ella took a peek at his laptop and under his web “history” she saw that he had revisited the online dating site which they met on. When she confronted him, her boyfriend said he had logged on to delete his profile, which could be true. He reassured her that she had nothing to worry about.

This week, she viewed his web browser’s history again from a few months ago. While cyber snooping, a pop up of a girl came on the screen with an option of rating her.

She’s perplexed as her boyfriend was the one who suggested taking down their profiles. She wants to know whether to confront him about the pop up ad, or leave it alone.

She asks, “Is there a problem? Or is the history and ads the issue? What should I do?

My answer to Ella is as follows:

Dear Ella,

Seek and you shall find. What are you doing cyber snooping on his computer anyway? ?If you trust him and the history is not recent, let it go and focus on the relationship. Even if he notices other women, he’s a guy. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean he wants to break up. It doesn’t mean he wants to have sex with other women.

He asked you for a commitment and offered to retire his online dating profile. If he thinks you’re going to question him and interrogate him on his past digital history, he might decide you aren’t the woman for him. Take a break from snooping and focus on your relationship. A man loves a confident and secure woman. Not one who raises suspicions on a regular basis and who he can’t trust leaving his computer in the same room with.

Enjoy your time together and focus on your romance.

Julie Spira

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