Why Women Need to Contact Men Online : Cyber Dating Expert
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Why Women Need to Contact Men Online


Ask the Cyber-Dating ExpertAt a recent holiday party, I met a single woman who came up to me asking for dating advice. She has had an on-again, off-again relationship with online dating. She was explaining to me in great detail why Internet dating doesn’t work. All of the blame was put on the men, who either didn’t write back to her after one email exchange, or just didn’t write at all.

I asked her if she considered initiating contact with men she found interesting. Her response was, “Absolutely not.” She added, “I’m old fashioned and believe the men need to pursue the women.” When I pointed out that waiting around wasn’t working for her and suggested that she send one email a day to a man she found interesting, or who viewed her profile but was too shy to contact her, she said no. That wasn’t her style. While I agree that men like to pursue women, they get tired of rejection and trying sometimes a gentle nudge, wink, or flirt is good for the male ego. She was clearly unhappy being single.

The point is she may be missing out on meeting a terrific guy who is looking for a girl just like her. Think about it. There are millions of singles online. Sometimes they may pass over your profile. Perhaps they didn’t notice you, had met their daily quota of outbound emails, or started dating someone they wanted to focus on. For whatever reason, Mr. Right doesn’t always find you online. It’s a crowded landscape.

This woman had a good enough profile, but she wasn’t taking action with her life. Sitting around waiting might result in wasting your precious youth. This may sound harsh, but sometimes tough love needs to jump in and take over. I pointed out the importance of the initial week when your profile is brand new and suggested that she initiate a simple and very short email to one gentleman daily for a week so she can get in the habit of being proactive.

After all, sometimes looking for love online is like looking for a job. Headhunters and employers don’t just find you. If you take the same attitude towards your love life, which hopefully has a longer shelf-life than a job, you may come out a winner.

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4 Responses to “Why Women Need to Contact Men Online”

  1. DateHater on November 23rd, 2010 10:03 am

    I totally agree with this advice. I get messages once in a while from women and it’s always nice.

    But, right now if online dating has a stigma associated with it, a woman initiating contact with a man has an even greater stigma associated with it. I was talking to a girl I know in real life who has used plentyoffish.com and she said, “There is no reason for any woman to have to contact a man first. I get 10 new messages a day. If she does, there’s something wrong with her.”

    But, rather than accepting that attitude, I think the way you should look at it is controlling your own destiny. If you don’t like the people who are messaging you, do something proactive about it.

  2. Julie Spira on November 23rd, 2010 4:33 pm

    Thanks for your comment. I’m glad you found the advice useful.

  3. Dr. Adam Sheck on November 24th, 2010 9:58 am

    Although I haven’t done online dating in quite some time, I totally agree with your post (I actually met Julie online, back in the AOL days). From my perspective as a man, I had much more successful interactions with women who initiated contact with me. I KNEW they were interested and so I could be more authentic. I wasn’t competing with the dozens and sometimes hundreds of dating emails that women receive online.

    And, as a psychologist and couples counselor, it makes sense as well. A woman reclaims her power by initiating an interaction, in her business life AND in her personal life. This is a major step in creating a more positive self image, whether the date manifests or not.

    Keep up the good work!

  4. Jenn on November 19th, 2013 6:51 am

    With all due respect, I completely disagree with both of these men (especially Dr. Scheck) and the post in general. Women should not contact men on dating sites, because how then will they ever know what the men would have done otherwise? The guys who write back could simply be bored. Sure, they like the attention – who doesn’t? But that doesn’t mean they like YOU. Men love a challenge, so I don’t care what they say. Watch what they do. I’ve had men I wasn’t interested in ask me out 3 times, and risk rejection 3 times because they wanted me that badly. I’ve also chased men and can say from experience that it gives my power as a woman AWAY to let a man know I’m interested. Once you become the pursuer it gives the man the opportunity to decide whether he is interested. If you wait and let guys contact you, there is never any doubt in your mind that they’re interested. I’ll say it again: MEN LOVE A CHALLENGE, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. It’s the reason so many more men become heads of state, CEOs of major corporations, professional sports stars, etc. They thrive on the challenge of working hard to achieve something important. Most men are highly ambitious because unlike women, whose primary concern is how good they are in their relationships, men are mainly concerned with making something of themselves. They go after high-powered careers because their sense of self is deeply entwined with setting goals and reaching them. Much more so than women, men desire to be the best at what they do (and make the most money they can) because their self-esteem is largely based on their accomplishments. They feel better when they work hard to get something than if it comes easily. Can they be happy with a woman they didn’t have to work too hard to get? Sure, but I’m willing to bet they’ll never be as crazy about her as they are about the one they really tried hard to win over. I want a man who shows me he’s absolutely over the moon for me, not someone who’s merely content to be with me because he can’t get the girl he really wants.

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