Cyber-Dating Expert

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Dating Advice – Long Distance Romance and the Big Ultimatum

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert
Cyber-Dating Expert

Dear Julie,

I’ve met a man online that I’m absolutely crazy about. He’s tall, sexy, worldly, and I knew instantly there was a connection. The problem is, he lives in another country. I know I should try to meet someone closer to home, but every month one of us flies to visit the other. I call him my boyfriend.

I am recently divorced and he’s never been married. He says he dates other women due to the distance. Yet, I hear from him every day via text messaging, emails, and phone calls and we plan wonderful trips together. I count the days until I see him.

I feel like I am being kept on hold just waiting for him to tell me that I’m the one and that he wants me to move in with him. It’s been a year already. What can I do to get him to commit to me exclusively? I am not interested in dating anyone else.

Please help.


Dear Lauren,

You are in a classic vacation romance relationship. It can be so exciting, especially when there’s a passport involved. However, you are wasting your precious youth as you wait for him to decide if you’re the one. ?Have you counted the amount of nights you end up alone for significant holidays or for special events? ?You also indicated that you are recently divorced, so this may be a transition relationship, which is not a bad idea.

However, for you to call a man who lives thousands of miles away your boyfriend when you know he is dating others, isn’t realistic. You also can’t force a man to decide to be exclusive. He is sending you all of the messages that this a relationship of convenience and fun. If he isn’t talking monogamy, future, and marriage, he is just plain not interested. My best advice is to put your online dating profile back up on one or two sites and start casually dating. Men hate the big ultimatum and there’s no reason for you to put your life on hold.

It’s time to move the fantasy of your relationship over and let an available men enter your life. You don’t have to break up or stop communicating, but it’s an international friends with benefits relationship you’ve got going.

Good luck with your search.

Julie Spira

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Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.

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