Dating Advice – When You’re Not a Priority

Dear Julie,

Hi there. I wanted to run something by you. I’ve been in a serious relationship with this guy for a few years now, and I’m looking for at least a hint of commitment from him.  On the surface, it appears that we have everything together — both well educated, accomplished individuals who have lots of friends and strong family ties. But, there have been a series of red flags that lead me to believe that this is just a relationship of convenience for him.

It was my birthday last week and he completely forgot and actually went out with his guy friends that night 🙁 I know, not so good huh??? Worse yet, when I told him about it a few days later when he was at my apartment, he gave the most insensitive remark of all time: “well, there’s always next year.” I was taken aback to say the least.

Once I regained my bearings, I took two steps forward and delivered a stinging slap to his face for that remark.  His response (as he’s standing there holding his jaw) “Well how about dinner tonight?” Strike two. I pointed to the door and he got the message loud and clear. I’ve given him the silent treatment over the past week. What would you do?

Karen

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your email and for reaching out for advice.

I have to wonder, why would you want a commitment for someone who doesn’t make you a priority in his life?

When you know for sure there are red flags, you should write them down. Ask yourself if you’d want your best friend to be in a relationship like this, or would you encourage her to find someone who has her on a pedestal.

A birthday to a woman is like Valentine’s Day. All men know that. To disappoint you on a day like that is very hurtful. He made it clear by forgetting that you’re lower on the totem pole than his friends are. Sure you may both be well educated and have great times together, but if you’re asking if you’re a convenience after a few years, the answer is pretty clear that it’s yes.

Rather than giving him the silent treatment, it’s time to regain your power. Tell him you’d like to take a break and start dating others. Consider joining an online dating site and fill your calendar with interesting people to meet. You’ll be expanding your social circles and may even find someone who will treat you the way you truly deserve to be treated. You’re not giving him an ultimatum, which men dislike. You’re just taking action with your love life and regaining your power.

If he comes running back to you, think about creating a list of deal-breakers that you can’t live with and discuss them with him. Either he steps up to the plate and won’t want to lose you, or you’ll be free to meet someone who will cherish you.

Keep me posted on your progress. Let me know if you need my help in creating your irresistible online dating profile.

All my best,

Julie

Have a dating question? Interested in relationship advice? Send us your questions and follow Julie on Twitter and Facebook for more dating advice.

Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.