Gone are the rules of women sitting by the phone, waiting for a text, waiting for the phone to ring, and waiting for a guy to ask you out first.
Once Bumble, the app where the women have control on making the first contact, grew rapidly in popularity, women started thinking differently about the archaic waiting game. At Cyber-Dating Expert, we think that’s good news. We aren’t suggesting that women always take the lead, propose marriage, and schedule every date. We know from coaching male clients that they are frustrated with writing emails and not getting much response.
Men find it refreshing when they hear from a woman. It boosts their egos and they know the chances are high that they’ll start communicating. How high?
OkCupid just released a study that show that women who message men first receive a higher response rate and more desirable men. They studied a random sample of 70,000 users and found that women who initiated contact first were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men.
Jimena Almendares, chief product officer at OkCupid, told the New York Times, “There are women on the site that are reaching out, and they’re getting all the benefits.”
The study also showed that men tend to message women 17 percentage points more “attractive” than themselves, while women send messages to men 10 percentage points higher.
What does this mean? Ladies, if you’re just scrolling through your inbox instead of reaching out first, it’s more likely that you’ll be looking at men less attractive than you.
When looking at sending the first message, OKC found one habit common of both men and women: both are “reachers.” A reacher is someone who “reaches out” to someone more attractive than they are.
For women, this means that waiting for men to approach you will result in an inbox filled with less attractive men, if any men at all.
However, this can be solved simply by sending a message first. Women who reach out first, regardless of sexual orientation, do get more responses. This could have something to do with men being more likely to respond when a woman messages them first.
Instead of waiting to be approached, try elevating your digital love game by 12 percent points and send the first message. If you receive a message from a man, you’re most likely messaging with someone who is 5 percentile points less attractive than you, but if you message first, the man is likely to be 7 percentile points more attractive than you.
This puts ladies in the digital driver seat. If you send a messages to men you find attractive, you’ll increase your quantity of quality men to talk to. You’re more likely to have something to talk about with someone you message first.
At the end of the digital day, take a chance and message someone first who you find attractive. Not everyone will respond, but you’ll be filling your date card and going on more dates. Isn’t that the goal?
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Read the full study from OkCupid here.
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert, Mobile Dating Expert, and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating, and was an early adopter of Internet dating, coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years. Find out how Irresistible Profiles will help you fill your date card to find your dream date.
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Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.
