He’s wondering what’s wrong with him, why women aren’t interested in marriage anymore, and if there’s something wrong with his profile. He’s a member of three online dating sites, Match, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid.
On the spot, he signed up for The Flirt dating profile critique and I quickly analyzed his Match profile.
The interesting thing is, he was worried that his photos were bad. They really weren’t great, but the most surprising issue is, he’s a great catch and says he NEEDS to be married. When I questioned him as to why he wanted to get married and how long he had been divorced, he corrected me and said, he NEEDED to get married to survive. Without marriage, he couldn’t go on living. He had only been divorced for 6-months.
This great guy was in so much pain. I knew I needed to help him and build up his self-esteem and that one hour wouldn’t be enough. I also knew that I needed to manage his expectations and that there were plenty of women out there who would love to be married. He just hadn’t found them yet.
So why weren’t women writing back to him?
1. His profile photos were awful. He was a good looking guy and the primary photo was so dark, you could hardly see his sweet face. He couldn’t afford a photographer and we had to work with what he had, at least for the time being.
What did we do?
I reviewed all of his photos and instantly lightened them up, cropped some of the photos so the focus was on him, and changed the order of the photos. I deleted the photo of him playing the guitar as he looked sad and his photo showed only half of his body and a dog in the center of the photo. The dog looked so sad, that all I could see and feel was a man probably playing a country music song to the tune of “Twang, twang, she broke my heart.”
That shot had to go, period. A woman wants to see a confident happy man that she can share her life with. The dog didn’t need center stage. In fact, a woman might think the dog sleeps in bed with her. All of the photos were captioned as they had been taken this year, so the women would know there was truth-in-advertising on his profile.
You see this guy is a pilot. Pilots, like firemen, are really sexy to women. When a photo showed more of the runway that him by the plane, it had to be cropped as well.
2. His bio was filled with too many questions that he required a woman to answer. I love it when someone asks a question in an Internet or mobile dating profile. It immediately triggers the action for someone to respond. However asking four direct questions made it look like he was in a deposition or job interview. It would be too much work for women to reply, so they just moved on to another email.
What did we do?
I deleted three of the direct questions which came close to begging a woman to be his girlfriend, took out the small talk and made sure there were specific descriptions of things he was passionate about.
3. His About Me Section Was Sloppy. On dating sites, it already lists your age, and on Match it states the age range you’re looking for.
His profile started with: I’m a male, 53, professional pilot, seeking a female for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles. Are you the one that cares to go on that walk on the beach with me? My favorite season is summer and I would like to bring my dog Shiloh. Sound fun? Barbeque sandwich for me. Do you care for red cake?
What did we do?
I deleted his first sentence as it was redundant and mirrored the headline of his profile. It was obvious that he was a male. His age was already listed and by repeating that he was looking for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles, it not only had been stated, but it looked like he was a guy with strict requirements. It couldn’t have been further than the truth.
Instead his new profile starts off with, “I’m a professional pilot.” It was intriguing enough to allow a woman to desire to continue reading the rest of the profile.
4. He only wrote to 5 women a day. When he told me that no one wrote back, it wasn’t entirely true. He actually received one reply to five emails that he’d sent out. That’s actually not a bad statistic. When I explained to him that typically only one out of ten emails are responded to, and he was ahead of the game, he was shocked.
What did we do?
I gave him the homework assignment of writing to ten women a day instead of five. This way he would get double the response than he did beforehand. I explained that online dating is a numbers game. He needed to treat it like he was looking for a dream job, only he was looking for a wife.
This wonderful sweet kind successful 53-year old pilot is a great catch. He wants to get married, is taller than average at 6’5,” and will be the most loyal and wonderful husband to a lucky woman who has the same desires as he does. So ladies, don’t think there aren’t marriage-minded men out there.
I have hope for this man, but reminded him that patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
Do you have a question for dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.
Don’t walk, but run to your nearest newsstand to pick up a copy of the first issue in 2013 of Men’s Health magazine.
We know that guys have a list of New Year’s resolutions on how to look better, feel stronger, and even get the girl.
It’s an honor to be quoted on page 116 in “Catch Her Clicks” to help guys be more successful with online dating in time for Valentine’s Day.
In the January/February issue of Men’s Health magazine, you’ll find the following:
CATCH HER CLICKS
One in five couples now meet online, reports a 2012 study in the American Sociological Review. Add keywords (“sushi,” “jazz”) to your profile so women searching for the words find you, advises dating expert, Julie Spira.
This holds true for the ladies as well, so it’s time to ramp up your online dating search.
Julie Spira is a top online dating expert, bestselling author, and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com. She creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, sign up for the Weekly Flirt newsletter, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.
Yes ladies. Men do take online dating seriously.
After creating an irresistible profile for a newly widowed male client on Match.com,? he decided it was time to put all ten toes and suddenly realized he needed a lesson in online dating etiquette.
He?s a terrific catch, signed up for the Totally in Love plan, and actually wants to meet an age-appropriate woman and wonders, what is the proper online dating etiquette? Within 24 hours he was bombarded with emails, winks, and IMs. He already has a date on the calendar with a highly educated woman who lives close to him. He?s on the right digital path.
I told him to get ready for the ride and showed him how to get organized.? I knew he?d get a lot of initial emails and views to his profile. He wasn?t prepared for the overwhelming response from women interested in meeting him. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, he decided to embrace the process. He wanted to know how to put his best foot forward to be successful. His questions were ones that many singles are confused about when they first join an Internet dating site. All are worth sharing.
1. I haven’t responded yet to the 3 or 4 women who’ve “winked” at me.? What’s the proper etiquette?
When a woman winks at a man, she?s signally to him that she?s open to communicating. Generally, it?s her way of saying, ?check out my profile and if you?re interested, please email me.? What she won?t probably want is to be winked back in return, so if you like what you see, read her profile and find something unique and interesting to write about and put that in the subject line. This way you?ll have a greater chance of receiving an email in return from her.
2. Same thing with the women who’ve e-mailed me.? What’s considered good, what’s simply appropriate, and what’s rude?
If you?re interested in someone who has emailed you, read her profile and write back in a timely manner. Remember, you?re not the only guy she?s communicating with and a prompt response will not only be appreciated, but will put your name on her date card.? If you?re not interested, you can either ignore the email, or thank her for writing to you. If her profile isn?t inline with what you?re looking for, you can politely point that out and wish her the best. The only way you?d be rude is if you insulted her, which I?m sure you wouldn?t want to do.
3. A couple of women have IM’d me while I was online.? Personally I find that really intrusive, even obnoxious.? For that reason, I’m highly reluctant to IM anyone else.? But I don’t know how the game is played.? Again, what’s the proper thing to do?? Can I just turn off my IM capability?
Instant messaging isn?t for everyone. While it can be fun, flirty, and instantaneous, some might find it annoying. To remove the IM feature, log onto your account, click on Account in the upper right hand side of the profile and in the dropdown menu click on settings, and then click on Instant messenger. This is where you can both turn off your instant messaging and IM alerts.
4. What’s a polite but clear way to express disinterest (for example, if I decide I’ve got no interest in meeting someone who contacts me first)?
There?s no perfect answer to this question. While you might want to appear like the nice guy and let them know that you don?t think you?re a match, they might be offended and insulted. If you ignore them, then they?ll wonder why they?re being rejected. You can take your time before you quickly push the reply button to the email and do what you feel is right for you, but remain polite. After all, she might have a friend to introduce you to if you?re a genuine guy, so don?t close the door completely.
Are you ready to change your zip code to find love online?
Our friends at Chemistry.com have?announced their Top 10 list of cities where you’re more likely to find a sensitive man.
Most of the cities on the list are on the east coast, except for Nashville, Indianapolis, and West Hollywood.
Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry’s Chief Scientific Officer and a former featured guest on Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show?said,?”Men do have a sensitive side.” Fisher added, ‘They want to please. They want to do the “right” thing.
The Top 10 list includes:
1. Popmano Beach, FL
2. Roanoke, VA
3. West Hollywood, CA
4. Nashville, TN
5. Buffalo, NY
6. Sarasota, FL
7. Greenville, SC
8. Wilmington, NC
9. Indianapolis, IN
10. Staten Island, NY
Ready to dive in and find a sensitive man? Click here to sign up and remember to share your online dating stories at CyberDatingExpert.com.
Full article @Chemistry Blog
Feeling like your long-term relationship is ready for the next step? Watch this video with Julie Spira and Charles J. Orlando with their thoughts on who should propose marriage, the woman or the man.
We know that men don’t like ultimatums, but how do they feel about the marriage proposal? Feel free to chime in with your thoughts and comments.
Groupon, Living Social, and a myriad of deal-of the day sites have sprouted up like wild-fire. It’s too tempting not to look at a deal in your city. So what’s a dater to do when the options are presented to him, but he wants to make a good first impression when he meets his online date?
I was asked a series of questions on the subject in relation to the New York Post article, Discount Dating, and as a coupon-cutter myself, have some strong thoughts on dating with discounts. If you follow these rules of netiquette for dating in a web 2.0 world, you’ll be on your way to a second or third date.
1. Should you tell your date if you’re using a discount? Or should you keep the Groupon in your pocket a secret? Why or why not?
If you?re meeting someone for the first time, bragging about your two-for-one discount won?t make you look good. She?ll think your entire courtship will be done on frequent flyer miles. It?s best to just hand the coupon to the server when you place your order. Your date will notice and will appreciate your tact and desire to impress her while staying on a budget.
2. If you do tell your date, when should you let them know? Before the date or during the date?
If your discount-dating offer is for a very specific menu item or activity, you?ll need to share that with your date at the time you sit down to order or meet. There?s no point in saying in advance, ?I?d love to have a date with you and I?ll be using a discount coupon.? You?ll run the risk of her turning you down as your frugal ways won?t be filled with sex-appeal.
3. If you feel using discounts on a date is tacky, should you speak up? Or suffer in silence?
There?s nothing wrong with using discounts on a date as long as they aren?t the focus of your conversation. Saying, ?Hey baby, do you want to go on a discount date with me?? or ?I?ve got this great coupon? won?t impress her if you?re on a first or second date. If you?ve been dating for a while, you should feel comfortable in suggesting an outing that involves a discounted item or Groupon offering. Dating can be expensive and if you?re looking to impress your date, going for more than coffee may result in you getting a second date with the object of your affection.
4. What type of discount is best to use (a discount for an unusual activity like rockclimbing or shooting range lessons — or a more traditional date like 50% off dinner?)
Activity discounts are never looked down upon as cheap. The tricky part is grabbing your discount during a limited time period while hoping that your date will want to go rock climbing or white water rafting. ?There is something unique about activity dates where a woman will look the other way when the coupon is presented.
5. Is using Groupon OK for a first or second date?
Using Groupon on a first date for dining is just a step above asking someone to split an appetizer when you thought you were meeting for a full meal on your date. It can be awkward with someone you have just met.
You have a split-second to make a bad impression on a first date. I recommend saving the Groupon or deal-of-the-day offer for future dates once you?re more comfortable with each other. The only way Groupon is acceptable on a first date is when you go to a restaurant with a pre-paid purchase towards your meal. If you buy $50 worth of food at a great restaurant for $25 and it goes towards your total meal value, it?s no different than using a gift card that you might have received as a present. It?s best to downplay the use of Groupon or a deal-of-the-day coupon in front of your date early on in the relationship. If you?re worried you might make a bad impression by using Groupon or a deal-of-the day discount, or your deal requires that your date order a specific entr?e, save your deal for future dates when you?ve gotten to know her better, or use your offer on your Guys? Night Out.
6. What about using a ?Groupon discount for all of your first three or four dates with someone?
Using a Groupon type service on all of your first few dates will backfire on you. She may be the Coupon Queen at the grocery store, but dating a Coupon King just isn?t very sexy. He?ll come across as cheap instead of someone who?s smart about money.
7. Are there different do’s and don’t for men and women regarding these discounts? IS it OK for women to suggest using the discount?
There are so many stereotypes as it relates to dating and digital dating has it?s own set of rules. Women who use coupons are looked upon favorably by men.? A guy will think she?ll be considerate about how to spend his money and that dating her won?t break his bank. Unfortunately, the opposite is true as it relates to men. A woman will look at a discount guy as cheap early on in the relationship. It?s best for a man not to suggest a discount on a first or second date. Bragging about his recent Groupon acquisitions just isn?t sexy to a woman.
8. Who should pay (man or woman) if a discount is used? The person who does the asking? The person who finds the coupon? Should it be split if the coupon is giving you 50% off?
Generally, men pay on the first date and most dates with or without a coupon. If the woman has purchased a Groupon or deal-of-the day coupon, it?s her way of offering to pay or at least contribute the value of the coupon towards the meal. Asking to split the cost of the Groupon or coupon is like asking someone to go Dutch treat. It?s a netiquette no-no.
8. Any other do’s and don’ts you advise when it comes to discount dating?
Discount Dating Do?s:
Do let your guy take the lead. If he suggests a discount dating event, feel free to suggest one for a future date.
Do expect to pay for your deal-of-the day or Groupon meal or activity if you purchased it on your own. Asking to be reimbursed is a netiquette no-no.
Do find plays or activities of interest to you and your date using deal-of-the-day or Groupon type specials.
Do downplay your Groupon or discount if it comes up while submitting it to the server. Make your date think she?s worth every moment and every cent.
Discount Dating Don?ts:
Don?t make every date a discount date. Select a restaurant or venue within your budget and vary it up.
Don?t make the subject of discount dating at the top of your list. It goes hand-in-hand with talking about your ex, and that breaks the rules of netiquette for dating.
Don?t take inventory of all of your Groupon purchases while on a date. Even at 50% off, it can add up and you?ll appear to have a spending problem.
Don?t complain to your date that they are cheap if they are using a discount dating offer. Dating can be expensive and if he wants to take you somewhere other than a coffee shop, appreciate his efforts to impress you and act like a lady.
Are you using discount coupons while dating? We’d like to hear your thoughts and comments.
Julie Spira is an online dating, social media, and netiquette expert. She’s the bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and The Rules of Netiquette: How to Mind Your Manners on the Web. ?Follow her on Twitter @JulieSpira. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com. Like her at Facebook.com/cyberdatingexpert
In a plan to continue to be more social media friendly, eHarmony has just announced their new service called ?Your New Activity Feed” to help you while looking for love online.
Broken down into four simple categories including Communication, Photo Updates, Profile Updates, and Who?s Viewed Me, users can enhance their experience by seeing who is active on the site. Some of these features are in line with Facebook profiles, which online daters are so accustomed to. The new photo updates will always pique someone?s curiosity. Knowing that someone recently viewed your profile gives you a quick advantage to responding to someone who is more likely to want to communicate with you. (see photo screen shot).
In their email, eHarmony provided a “Quick Tip,” which I?ve been teaching singles for quite some time now. ?If you want a great way to get your matches to take a second look at you, update your profile or post your latest photos and you will go to the top of their feed.? Refresh and renew your profile if you want to have more success with Internet dating.
In honor of Valentine?s month, eHarmony is offering their free guided communication service through the end of February. Click the link below to sign up and take advantage of their special offer.
Happy February. I always say that Valentine’s Day for women is like the Super Bowl for men. In honor of the most romantic day of the year, we’ll be celebrating in a big way and want to share the news with you.
Irresistible Online Dating Profiles
From February 1 – 6th, our irresistible private coaching and irresistible online dating profiles will be discounted by 15%. That’s right, there’s still time to find your Valentine and we’re committed to helping you by shaving off up to $120 off the price. We’ll hold your hand from creating your profile with a catchy screen name to providing a custom search exclusive to you.Your love life is really worth the investment. Contact us for a private consultation. Valid for serious minded singles only.
Single Edition Radio
Our friends at Single Edition have invited me to be a guest on their show premiere scheduled for Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 9pm/ET. We’ll be talking about how to create an irresistible online dating profile and the dos and don’ts for Internet dating. You can listen live at https://www.talkradiounlimited.com or call in at 612-293-4262 to hear my conversation with Sherri Langburt and Simone Grant.
Valentine’s Chat for Lovers and Lovers in Waiting
It’s an honor to be selected by GenConnect to host their Valentine’s Chat on Thursday, February 3, 2011 at 3:30pm/ET. We’ll be talking about how you can snag a date for Valentine’s Day and how to be realistic about your expectations if you’re already in a relationship. Click here to register. All chat participants will be entered into a drawing and one lucky winner will receive a free Irresistible Online Dating Profile.
Valentine’s Edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show
Get ready for a very special edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show, where my guest will be Dr. Gian Gonzaga, Senior Director of Research and Development at eHarmony Labs.
Gian has just written a new book called, The eHarmony Guide to Dating the Second Time Around. Gian will be taking time from his busy book tour schedule to discuss his book with us just in time for Valentine’s Day.
The Perils of Cyber-Dating – Online Dating Book
I’m so proud and super-excited as my online dating book has remained on the bestseller list for 2-years! That’s right. Just last week it was a bestseller in Dating, Mate Seeking, and Computers & Internet – Humor. So purchase your copy before they sell out.
Valentine’s Day Dating Advice
There will be no shortage of Valentine’s advice this year. Remember, love is a 365 day year day topic, but check out my recent articles and feel free to comment. We’ve gone International. The Perils of Cyber-Dating book is featured in Elle Magazine this month in Chinese. If you go to Google.com/translate, and post the link, you can read the article. I’ll be updating this list as new articles are published. So stop back and visit and remember to sign up for the Weekly Flirt.
Valentine’s Etiquette – Dos and Don’ts for Your Valentine – Cyber-Dating Expert
Top 10 Valentine’s Dos and Don’ts – Top 10 Blog
5 Ways to Land a Date by Valentine’s – Yahoo! Shine
Valentine’s Events and Parties in Los Angeles – Julie’s Top Picks
Even if you don’t reside in California, I urge you to search for singles events in your home city. I’ve listed my Top 5 favorites for those in the Los Angeles area, so do a Google search for singles parties in your city and please, RSVP for at least one event. Whether you like Valentine’s Day or not, you have an opportunity to expand your social network.
Dating Community – Valentine’s Specials
Our friends at eHarmony are offering their Free Communication Weekend all month long. That’s right, if you sign up now, you can have the entire month of February to use their service at no charge.
Online dating site Lavalife has a Free Love February Special promotion. Any new user who signs up within the month of February will receive 30 days of unlimited access to their online dating site, absolutely free.
For more special offers and recommended dating sites, visit our Dating Community at CyberDatingExpert.com
There are more announcements coming in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, so check back frequently as we’re committed to helping you find love online this Valentine’s.
In this week’s Where’s Julie column, I’m happy to say that I’m home curled up by the fire busy confirming Valentine’s appearances for the next two weeks. However, in between snowstorms, I had the opportunity to spend a few days in New York City, where I appeared on NBC News to talk about my new book, The Rules of Netiquette: How to Mind Your Manners on the Web. The segment was called Netiquette: Minding Your Virtual Manners. I hope you can take a moment to view the video. Comments are always welcome. Even Pope Benedict embraced netiquette for social networking last week.
The Rules of Netiquette was originally the title of a chapter in my first book, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, inspired in part when an ex-fiance ended the engagement via email. Yes, that was a netiquette no-no.
While in New York, I had the chance to sip cappuccino with She Knows columnist and author, Jamie Beckman, whose book is featured this month in the Cyber-Dating Expert Reading Room. I also met with the GenConnect group to go over the final details of my Valentine’s live chat scheduled for February 3, 2011 at 3:30pm/Pacific time. The subject will be “For Lovers and Lovers in Waiting.” I’ll be posting details on how you can participate in the live chat on Monday, so get your relationship questions ready.
On Friday, our friends at eHarmony posted my article 5 Reasons She Won’t Call You Back on their site and sent it out to 5 million people on their eHarmony Advice newsletter. The last I looked, there were 76 comments so feel free to chime in. Needless to say, I’ve been busy working on irresistible profiles throughout the weekend for those looking for love online or at least a date before Valentine’s.
Valentine’s is around the corner, and I’ve gone on record as saying, “Valentine’s to a woman is like the Super Bowl to men.” With that in mind, we’ll be posting several articles to help you leading up to Valentine’s Day, regardless of your love stage. For now, take a look at my recent post, Valentine’s Etiquette: Dos and Don’ts for Your Valentine.
Stay tuned for my Valentine’s special offer for Irresistible Profiles for a limited time on February 1st – 6th. ?I’ll also be posting some special free offers from some of the online dating sites next week which are worth signing up for which will appear in the Weekly Flirt.
Truth be told, most men jump in looking for the new fresh face in the digital world. As a result, there’s a bit of an auction going on, where every man writes to the women who are brand new. What men don’t realize, is that they are in heavy competition. At times, women get overwhelmed when they receive 100 emails a day. Often they won’t write back to anyone.
My advice to the men to increase your chance of success while Internet dating: Write to women whose profiles are at least 3 weeks old. Chances are they will notice your email in their inbox and you’ll have a greater chance of receiving a reply.
As we enter a New Year, it’s always important to take inventory on what has and has not worked for you in your dating life. Listen to the radio interview and enjoy my dating advice.
Wishing you much joy and love in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.