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Dating Advice – 5 Ways to Heal When Your Ex Moves On

Celebrity relationships were all the buzz this week. As the guest dating expert on “Access Hollywood Live,” I joined Natalie Morales and Kit Hoover to talk about dating, love, Jay-Zee big confession about his marriage to Beyonce, and Ben Affleck’s public appearances with his new girlfriend, SNL producer Lindsay Shookus.

RELATED: Ben Affleck and Lindsay Shookus – Dating Expert Julie Spira Weighs In

With Affleck showing off his new relationship status, the question was asked, “what do you do when your ex moves on?”

Since just about everyone can relate to a heartbreak, we did a deep dive on how Hollywood celebs, or the girl next door should cope post-breakup when your ex finds a new girlfriend.

Here are the 5 tips I shared with Access Hollywood Live

1. Do a Digital Detox

Julie Spira - Access Hollywood

“The first tip is do what I call a digital detox. Even if you’ve said, ‘Okay, we’re going to stay friends when you break up,’ it’s really hard to just move into that friend zone. What happens is you start to become a stalker and you just can’t help yourself. So don’t do that. Block them and unfriend them on Facebook. You can always become friends again once the dust has settled and you both have moved on. Staring at other the other people at you and your sweetheart’s favorite restaurant that you used to go to for your anniversary is just something that is going to sting.”

2. Don’t Compare and Contrast

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“It’s so easy to fall into that trap of comparing yourself to the new girl. You may ask yourself, is she prettier? Does she have nicer clothes? Is she better in bed? Is she smarter? Is she sexier? You get into this trap, and it’s really bad because what happens is, your brain starts to trick you into thinking that comparing yourself to this person is natural. You need to your own individuality. You don’t really know that she’s good at anything other than being the next girl.”

3. Practice Self Love

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“Self-love really is number one. One of these tips that I use with the singles that I coach is if you’re going through a break-up, get dressed up, looked good, stand in front of your mirror and say, ‘You are the the prize,’ and repeat it, ‘You are the prize.’ Eventually, you will believe it. The more that you can love yourself and go out and do good things for yourself, like workout more, maybe lose that weight you want to, take up a yoga class, or take up a new hobby, the more you will become more dateable.”

4. Avoid the Rebound Relationship

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“We see more rebound relationships with men than with women. Women tend to hang out with their girlfriends and, of course, talk about their ex. Just because he might have moved on in a split second doesn’t mean that you need to do the same. I really feel that– having a replacement boyfriend immediately, can often backfire. It might not be a good fit for you, and then you’ve got to get over two break-ups.”

5. Get Out and Live Life!

Julie Spira - Access Hollywood

“I always say that take that covers off your head. Think about the books and magazines that might have been stacking up and start reading them. Maybe go under a palm tree and read a magazine, or if you actually once thought you might want to write a book, start penning that book and writing down your thoughts. Journal about your break-up because the more you read and write it, the more healing it is. Remember, there’s a reason that you broke up and that this person is now your ex. I always say, “Knock him off that pedestal right now.”

RELATED: Jay-Z and Beyonce – Dating Expert Julie Spira Weighs In

Julie Spira is a celebrity dating coach, relationship expert and online dating expert. She’s the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles for over 20 years with her Irresistible Profiles programs.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter

There’s Always Room to Fill the Heart with Love

Quote heartbreakWhen the phone rings and someone calls to say they’re heartbroken and can’t imagine their life without the person who is gone, it’s my job to give them hope and to explain how the heart does heal in time.

Today’s quote was inspired by a coaching call with a woman who said her heart was completely broken. It had been shattered and she couldn’t imagine how she could go on with such an empty heart.

I explained to her that the heart fills up and depletes on a daily basis. You see the heart can’t be completely empty, or you wouldn’t have the ability to love your children, family, and friends at all if this was the case. You wouldn’t even be able to breathe, but you still can.

The heart fills up and depletes on a daily basis

The heart can be overflowing with love and joy when you first meet someone and you’re in the honeymoon phase. It’s so exciting you feel like it’s about to burst. Although it feels that way, it will not be bursting. You will be in a state of euphoria and often it’s temporary, for even those we love with all of our hearts, we go through phases of questioning the relationship, phases of disappointment or resentment when our needs aren’t being met, and then bounce back when we are in a state of joy again. It’s like a wave. There’s an ebb and flow to the wave as it comes crashing into the shore, each time reaching a different point on the sand or rocks.

Related: Irresistible Profiles to Help You Find Love

When it comes to matters of the heart, all forms of logic are tossed out the window. The stage of first love, early love and the pitter-patter of the heart feelings are real and when they are experienced, there’s nothing better.

So if you find that your relationship isn’t as fulfilling and that your heart is questioning it, it’s natural. Every day doesn’t have an overflowing heart, but it should have an appreciative heart. One that allows you to grow with an individual and to grow on your own.

You see, people are falling in love over and over again with their partner. There are different types of love, whether it’s lust, friendship, companionship, romantic love, or a deep passion. All of these types of feelings do exist with the same person. If a relationship can’t move past the three week or three month mark, then you were really existing in the lust phase only.

The heart is meant to last and move.

You see the heart is meant to last and move. It beats. You breathe in and you breathe out. Sometimes you can’t imagine anyone else in your life but the person you love or loved so deeply. Other times you wonder how any one person can decide on how full your heart should be. That’s more realistic.

The point here is when you’re unsure of your relationship or if your heart is hurting, know that it is temporary. The universe is like a vacuum. In time, the heart will fill up again. For some slowly, for others it can be rather quickly.

Related: Gone Fishing or Is it Over

To achieve the ultimate feeling of love, let the heart fill with your own personal joy to the point that anyone who joins you in this game of life is joining your already fully loved heart. Keep smiling as that will attract new people to you.  Know that you are always loved, even when you’re not sure you’re feeling it.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

P.S. If you need some hand holding, find out how Irresistible Coaching can help you get back on the dating saddle.

Related: 20 Flirty Text Messages to Capture His Heart

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been coaching singles on finding love online for over two decades. For dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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Cosmopolitan – Deadly Breakup Obsessions – Julie Spira

Cosmopolitan

We’re jumping for joy at Cyber-Dating Expert Headquarters to be featured on Cosmopolitan this week. We know breakups really suck. We know we can’t help but obsess about our ex, especially if they’ve already moved on with someone new.

Still, in order for us to move on to find a healthier relationship, we’ve got to stop thinking about him or her, knock them off the pedestal, because there is a reason you broke up, right?  It’s time to fall in love with your self, mourn the loss and we’re here to help you.

Many thanks to Frank Kobola from Cosmo who reached out to include is in his article, 7 Signs the Way You’re Dealing with Your Breakup is Unhealthy.

If you’re taking your breakup too hard, read these tips so you can speed up your recovery.

From reaching out to your girlfriend network to support you without draining them, to stalking his or her Facebook and Instagram accounts, Frank’s article gives you all the ammunition you need to wash your ex out of your life.

Full article on Cosmopolitan.com

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

Reading Room – eHarmony Guide to Dating the Second Time Around

It’s with great pleasure to add the?eHarmony Guide to Dating the Second Time Around to the Cyber Dating Expert Reading Room.

The book, edited by Dr. Gian Gonzaga, Ph.D, director of research and development at eHarmony Labs gives proven methods to finding a love that lasts. Many people are finding themselves single after a long term relationship or marriage. Whether through divorce, death, or a painful breakup, this book will give you some exercises and tools as you jump back into the dating scene. Like the online dating site eHarmony, the book is focused on serious minded singles who want a long term committed relationship or marriage.

For those of you starting over again, it’s a terrific guidebook to evaluate what you want in your relationship at this stage of your life. You’ll reflect on past relationships on what worked, what you didn’t like, and will take inventory of your personal life.

In addition, I’m delighted that Dr. Gonzaga will be my featured guest on the Valentine’s edition of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show, scheduled for Saturday, February 13, 2011 at 11am/PST. He’ll be talking about the book in more detail, so I hope you do listen in.