Ghosted for the First Time

Dear Julie,

I think I got ghosted. I met a great guy at a family wedding. He approached me we spoke for a few hours he asked me out, but I couldn’t go the next day so he asks me for my number.

The twist here is he lives in another state and after he went back next day he disappeared for a week after telling me he wants to come back next month .

I text him and he seems very happy.  He calls, we talk for an hour or so, and he tells me he wants to move to my state. Then he vanishes and doesn’t answer my texts.

I give about a week and a half and write, “hey how r u” and he responds normally and everything seemed to be OK. We text a few weeks later, then once again he disappears.

Related: Confused: Is He Ghosting?

Apparently he told his family that I’m great and cute and have a good personality, but we live far away and he is not ready for a relationship that’s long distance. Being the great over thinker I am, I text him and ask if he can call so we can talk.

He calls and says he thought everything was ok.  Really? He said he might come back after he finishes school in a few months. I am honestly really annoyed that he promised me all those things and then backs out and no contact. What really bothers me is that I still think about it, and wonder, will he ever come back??

Side note there was family involvement so maybe he got scared of that. because his mom said he wanted to pursue the relationship, but not now.  Then she speaks to him again and he says he doesn’t want to think about anyone right now and is concentrating on school.

First the family was in support of our relationship. Now they’re not. What should I do?

Ghosted.

Was she Ghosted?

Dear Ghosted,

As a dating expert, I can tell you, I don’t think you were really ghosted by this guy. You actually weren’t in a relationship. Sure, you clicked at a wedding and had fun. Yes, his family thought you were great and gave a thumbs up. But in reality, he doesn’t live near you and he needs to finish concentrating on school and his education.

He wasn’t your boyfriend who disappeared. He was an out-of-town guy that you connected with at a wedding, which is fun-filled and filled with love.

Related: Dating Labels Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend?

He never promised to be your boyfriend and you had a casual texting relationship His signs make it clear that he isn’t interested in a relationship. By leading you on and continuing to text you, he will give you mixed messages that you’re his girlfriend, which unfortunately you’re not.

Between school and distance, he doesn’t have time for you. I know you wish this was more of a relationship, but it’s not.

My best advice to you is to consider him an acquaintance. Try to find someone you can connect with that lives closer to you and truly wants to have a relationship.

When someone ghosts, they’re in a relationship and then poof, disappear. So if you want to be friends, send a friendly text every few weeks. This is a no-pressure way to stay in touch, without havin ghim feel obligated to be in a relationship he can’t sustain.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.

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Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years.

Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online, newly revised for 2016.