In the News

Online Dating – Why Won’t Women Write Back?

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowIn this week’s Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert column, a single man called in quite frantic and upset that he had been writing to women online and they never wrote back.

He’s wondering what’s wrong with him, why women aren’t interested in marriage anymore, and if there’s something wrong with his profile. He’s a member of three online dating sites, Match, PlentyofFish, and OkCupid.

On the spot, he signed up for The Flirt dating profile critique and I quickly analyzed his Match profile.

The interesting thing is, he was worried that his photos were bad. They really weren’t great, but the most surprising issue is, he’s a great catch and says he NEEDS to be married. When I questioned him as to why he wanted to get married and how long he had been divorced, he corrected me and said, he NEEDED to get married to survive. Without marriage, he couldn’t go on living. He had only been divorced for 6-months.

This great guy was in so much pain. I knew I needed to help him and build up his self-esteem and that one hour wouldn’t be enough. I also knew that I needed to manage his expectations and that there were plenty of women out there who would love to be married. He just hadn’t found them yet.

So why weren’t women writing back to him?

1. His profile photos were awful. He was  a good looking guy and the primary photo was so dark, you could hardly see his sweet face. He couldn’t afford a photographer and we had to work with what he had, at least for the time being.

What did we do?

I reviewed all of his photos and instantly lightened them up, cropped some of the photos so the focus was on him, and changed the order of the photos. I deleted the photo of him playing the guitar as he looked sad and his photo showed only half of his body and a dog in the center of the photo. The dog looked so sad, that all I could see and feel was a man probably playing a country music song to the tune of “Twang, twang, she broke my heart.”

That shot had to go, period. A woman wants to see a confident happy man that she can share her life with. The dog didn’t need center stage. In fact, a woman might think the dog sleeps in bed with her. All of the photos were captioned as they had been taken this year, so the women would know there was truth-in-advertising on his profile.

You see this guy is a pilot. Pilots, like firemen, are really sexy to women. When a photo showed more of the runway that him by the plane, it had to be cropped as well.

2. His bio was filled with too many questions that he required a woman to answer. I love it when someone asks a question in an Internet or mobile dating profile. It immediately triggers the action for someone to respond. However asking four direct questions made it look like he was in a deposition or job interview. It would be too much work for women to reply, so they just moved on to another email.

What did we do?

I deleted three of the direct questions which came close to begging a woman to be his girlfriend, took out the small talk and made sure there were specific descriptions of things he was passionate about.

3. His About Me Section Was Sloppy. On dating sites, it already lists your age, and on Match it states the age range you’re looking for.

His profile started with: I’m a male, 53, professional pilot, seeking a female for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles. Are you the one that cares to go on that walk on the beach with me? My favorite season is summer and I would like to bring my dog Shiloh. Sound fun? Barbeque sandwich for me. Do you care for red cake?

What did we do?

I deleted his first sentence as it was redundant and mirrored the headline of his profile. It was obvious that he was a male. His age was already listed and by repeating that he was looking for a relationship 43-59 within 50 miles, it not only had been stated, but it looked like he was a guy with strict requirements. It couldn’t have been further than the truth.

Instead his new profile starts off with, “I’m a professional pilot.” It was intriguing enough to allow a woman to desire to continue reading the rest of the profile.

4. He only wrote to 5 women a day. When he told me that no one wrote back, it wasn’t entirely true. He actually received one reply to five emails that he’d sent out. That’s actually not a bad statistic. When I explained to him that typically only one out of ten emails are responded to, and he was ahead of the game, he was shocked.

What did we do?

I gave him the homework assignment of writing to ten women a day instead of five. This way he would get double the response than he did beforehand.  I explained that online dating is a numbers game. He needed to treat it like he was looking for a dream job, only he was looking for a wife.

This wonderful sweet kind successful 53-year old pilot is a great catch. He wants to get married, is taller than average at 6’5,” and will be the most loyal and wonderful husband to a lucky woman who has the same desires as he does. So ladies, don’t think there aren’t marriage-minded men out there.

I have hope for this man, but reminded him that patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a question for dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

OkCupid – How to Search for a User

OkCupid User NameOur friends at OkCupid had a bit of a digital facelift recently.  Among the changes to help you find love online more quickly, you might notice that you no longer can search for someone by their username anymore.

A recent study showed that LOVE is the number one most popular search term for single searching on OkCupid. But what if you suddenly can’t find his or her profile anymore?

While they’ve refined the site to help you browse for matches more easily,  taking a peek at that cute hunk or hottie that you have a digital crush on might be a little bit more difficult.

If you’re wondering how to find his or her Internet dating profile, the good news is you can still browse and search for a user, but getting there is a bit more complicated.

Here’s how to find a profile on OkCupid based on the username:

1. Log onto OkCupid on your desktop.

2.  Click on your profile thumbnail on the top right hand side of the screen.


3. A drop down box will appear, where you can select “Find a User.”


4.  Type in the user’s name in the box where it says search by username.

Ok Cupid Username

5.  If their profile is active, it will appear and you can now click on their profile.

To make it simpler, type in this URL below in your browser while logged on to OkCupid.  It will take you directly to the “Find a User” page. Remember, unless you’re an “A List” where you can browse anonymously, or are using the new Incognito premium feature, which hides your profile from being viewed by users who you haven’t liked or messaged, users will see that you recently visited their online dating profile.

Are you using OkCupid? What do you think of the recent changes to their site?

To find out more about how to create an Irresistible Profile to find your dream date, visit

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more online and mobile dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.






#DateChat with Co-Host @Serena – Topic Starting Over Online

#DateChat with @Serena

It’s with great enthusiasm to announce that my friend Serena Ehrlich, known to most of you as @Serena on Twitter, will be co-hosting #DateChat on Thursday, March 5th at 5p/PT, 8p/ET.

This week’s topic will be Starting over Online: What to do when you’re newly single. How do you navigate online dating, not get frustrated with Tinder, OkCupid, and find quality dates online. We’ll be talking about the best dates, worst dates, and how to get noticed online.

We’ll also be talking about the new Tinder Plus: The Premium service just launched by Tinder for $9.99/month.

Read more about Tinder Plus here: Tinder Plus Launches: Let’s You Rewind Last Swipe

We know everyone is swiping left and right on Tinder, but are they really meeting up IRL? How can Tinder be successful now that they plan to monetize their app with ads for free users, while allowing paid users to go back and find that swipe made in error to the left and cast a wider net by allowing users to search in other cities and countries?

Meet our Co-host: Serena

Serena Ehrlich, Director of Social and Evolving Media, is responsible for Business Wire’s internal and external content marketing, ranging from PR programming to social media updates to content development and amplification. With more than 20 years of experience in the content distribution industry, Serena understands both sides of the content and news industry – from creating compelling content that activates audiences, to understanding how distribution can amplify and impact news results.

A 1991 graduate of Brandeis University, Serena is also the membership chair of the international Social Media Club and is a past board member of the Dallas and Los Angeles local NIRI (National Investor Relations Institute) boards of directors.

How to join us for #DateChat

It’s easy to join us for #DateChat. You can just search for the keyword of #DateChat on Twitter, hootsuite, tweetdeck or other social media management software, or take it a step further and go to or and type in the hashtag of #DateChat. Both TweetChat and Nurph will show you the entire conversation of #DateChat users without having to type in the hashtag on each tweet. Make sure you’re also following @Serena and @JulieSpira.

See highlight’s of last week’s #DateChat on social media cheating

Last week, we had a great conversation on #DateChat with guest host @StephanSpeaks. Here are some highlights for your viewing pleasure.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the founder of and host of #DateChat every Thursday on Twitter at 5p/PT, 8p/ET. Julie was an early adopter of online dating, having created her first profile over 20 years ago. Today she helps singles on the dating scene with Irresistible Profiles for dating sites and helps them swipe right every day on Tinder.

OkCupid Relaunches OkTrends Blog – Reveals if Looks Matter

Love conceptOne of my favorite parts of OkCupid had been the fabulous data curated into blog posts by co-founder Christian Rudder on OkTrends.

For the past three years, OkTrends has gone into silence mode. Today, Rudder revealed data from their Internet dating user base showing that looks aren’t always what counts when it comes to communicating in an online dating site. Rudder announced, “We Experiment On Human Beings” as the title of the long-awaited post.

From OkCupid’s day of hiding photos, to suggestions of a higher percentage for a potential match, one thing we know for sure, the algorithms do have an impact while looking for love online.

Full blogpost here

Let’s take a look at the three different experiments.

1. Love is Blind, Or Should Be

On the 10th anniversary of OkCupid, they launched Crazy Blind Date, a mobile app. The basis of this was that you’d meet someone who’s face had been “mashed up” like a puzzle, so you didn’t know what they looked like. In celebration, OkCupid spent one day mashing up all of their members in an experiment, only to find that 44% of those wrote 1st messages to people, of which they had no idea what they looked like.

2. So What’s a Picture Worth?

OkCupid previously let users rate profiles based on looks and personality. Eventually, they changed it to rating based on looks only. What they found is that only 10% of people rated a profile based on it’s text. Does that mean that 90% of people rate profiles based on looks only? Understandably so. This is why all of the mobile dating apps have been so popular and game-like.

3. The Power of Suggestion

As a Digital Matchmaker, I spend hours-and-hours every day analyzing profiles to find the perfect match for my clients. They have to go by my word and recommendation to write to or respond to a flurry of potential dates because I strongly advised them to do so. This has resulted in singles dating outside their social circles and meeting men or women that they didn’t think was their type.

OkCupid seems to agree. By changing the suggested recommendations from one with a low match percentage to a higher match percentage, their users started to communicate with people that weren’t necessarily a match, based on the algorithms. Were they playing with your digital mind? Just a bit.

Time reports that Rudder will be back to business posting on the OkTrends blog every four weeks while waiting for his book Dataclysm: Who We Are to be released in September.

Are you rating profiles based on looks alone? Do percentages matter to you? Your comments are welcome.

Photo credit: Fotolia

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

I saw his text messages. Is he cheating or is it over?

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Dear Cyber Dating Expert,

I desperately need some online dating advice. I met a guy on OkCupid last week and we had the perfect date. The next day he reached out to hang out again and even introduced me to his engaged friends and we went on a double-date. That night we ended up sleeping together and I thought everything was going so well.

We continued to talk and he remained sweet and attentive. We made plans to meet up a few days later and I went to his place and we watched a movie. Again, he was very affectionate, held my hand, kissed me on the head/check, etc.

What threw me was when I saw his cell phone light up with text messages from random numbers he hadn’t saved to his phone. Immediately I knew these were probably other girls he was communicating with from OKC. My heart sank. I thought everything was great until I saw those texts! He seems SO into me, but now I feel like I have something to prove and other girls to beat out. I just don’t want to get involved and get my heart broken, but I like him and don’t want to lose out on getting to know him better.

Read: He Texts Me Daily, Are We in a Relationship?

Do I play it cool, let him take the reins for now? Or should I be proactive & initiate more dates with the chance of coming off aggressive/desperate?

Please help!


Dear Amber,

Thanks for your email.

I understand why you’d be upset about seeing text messages you believe were from other women that your new guy might be chatting with.

Because you both met on an online dating site, unless you’ve had the conversation about being exclusive, assume that you’re not. After all, you were only dating for one week when you noticed these anonymous texts.

Sleeping together while you both have active online dating profiles isn’t something that I recommend, unless you don’t mind if he’s seeing other people.

Once a woman sleeps with a man, the hormones kick in and women get very attached and bonded, even if the guy isn’t really good for you. When the sex is good, it’s natural to hope and think that he won’t want to be with anyone else. Maybe he’s ignoring those text messages, after all you’ve only known him for a short while.

My advice is to keep it cool and date him if he asks you out on a proper date, but don’t sleep with him again. Sure you can hug, kiss, fool around, etc. Please don’t make a big deal out of the text messages, as men don’t like a high-drama, clingy or possessive woman in their lives. Just show him that you’re the confident great woman that you are. If he calls, return his calls. If he texts, return his texts. If he asks you out and you’re free, go out on a date with him, but let him know that you like him, but realize that you aren’t into casual sex if it comes up. Let him know how much you’re enjoying getting to know him. I know it’s hard to go backwards, but it’s worse to sleep with him and then wonder if he’s logging on to find someone to sleep with the next night. That’s the risk with online dating. If he tells you it’s not acceptable, then he doesn’t really want you as his girlfriend. He might just be looking for a booty call or friends with benefits relationship. Throwing yourself at him won’t help. It will kill the chances to have a relationship with this guy. Being great in the bedroom doesn’t mean he won’t look elsewhere. Being the confident girl he can’t be without will make him want you to be his girl. Let him take the lead and initiate dates with you.

If he really wants to make you his girlfriend, he’ll take down his profile and do whatever it takes. At this point, you haven’t set your boundaries so he doesn’t think it’s a requirement. Don’t be in competition with other women. Just be yourself and feel great about who you are. Please don’t get possessive or start to interrogate him about his text messages or cell phone. Insecurity will kill a relationship. Since he didn’t put those phone numbers in his phone to save them, nor is he hiding his phone, they probably don’t mean much to him anyway. Still, I know it hurts.

I hope this helps and please do keep me posted.


Do you have an online dating question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for more dating advice.


ABC News – Mobile Apps to Speed Up Your Search

Julie Spira and Elex MichaelsonIt was an honor and joy to be interviewed by Elex Michaelson of ABC-7 television in Los Angeles about the popularity of mobile dating apps.

As Tinder continues to take the world by storm, the feature included an interview with Tinder’s co-founder, Justin Mateen, as well as featured other mobile dating apps including eHarmony, JDate, Match, OkCupid, Grouper, Grindr, and Coffee Meets Bagel.

Mobile dating is now over a $200 million dollar industry. Are you wondering how it all works?

Watch the video below for highlights.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and mobile dating expert who was an early adopter of Internet dating. She created her first profile almost 20 years ago and coaches singles on the dating scene with her Irresistible Profiles programs and her Mobile Dating BootCamps. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Love is Blind, But OkCupid Isn’t – Crazy Blind Date Mobile

Crazy Blind DateWith online dating, we’ve been told it’s all about the photo, as both men and women are visual.

Today, our friends at OkCupid have launched their Crazy Blind Date mobile app, where you go back to the basics of when your grandmother fixed you up, along with a technology twist.

In honor of the launch, you’ll feel a bit naked when you log on to OkCupid today, as the site celebrates “Love is Blind Day.” OkCupid has removed all ten million photos on their members’ profiles to create awareness of their new app.

Sam Yagan, OkCupid founder and Cyber-Dating Expert friend says, “People will say that Crazy Blind Date is too crazy.” He adds, “But for a whole generation of young singles, it’s going to be a great adventure, and a great compliment to online dating.”

One thing we know for sure, is that mobile dating does speed up the process to meet someone IRL. In our recent Mobile Dating BootCamp, several of the participants used OkCupid’s mobile app and other mobile dating apps to try to find love from the convenience of their mobile phones. This app could help you if you’re looking for a last minute date or don’t want to be dateless on Valentine’s Day.

OkCupid says that Crazy Blind Date takes less than a minute of work:

  1. Download the Crazy Blind Date app for iPhone or Android
  2. Choose which nights this week you want to go on dates.
  3. Pick your favorite bar or coffee shop.
  4. Go on with your day; Crazy Blind Date does the rest.

Users are encouraged to share their dates on Twitter with the hashtag of #CrazyBlindDate and fees for the dates will apply.

Are you ready to go back to blind dating?

Julie Spira is a top online dating expert and founder of She’s the host of Online Dating BootCamp and Mobile Dating BootCamp. Julie creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @Juliespira on Twitter and at

Dating in an OkCupid World – 5 Dos and Don’ts

Dating in an OkCupid WorldI’m often asked what’s the best dating site by singles that I meet and coach. While there’s no one-size-fits-all answer there are a few favorite Internet dating sites that I’ve been recommending. OkCupid is clearly one of my Top 5 favorites. Their mobile app, Ok Locals was included in the recent Mobile Dating BootCamp and was favorably received by the single contestants.

So when Britney Fitzgerald from Huffington Post Tech asked me for my opinion on OkCupid Dating No-No’s, I was happy to chime in. I shared not only my professional advice, but also those from the recent?Mobile Dating BootCamp focus group which was held last month in Beverly Hills.

A main feature of OkCupid is answering their intriguing and often thought provoking questions. While you’re not judged and you’ll never fail the quiz, the site does give you percentiles for a Match, Friend, and Enemy. Having a match that shows you’re over 80% compatible usually raises some digital eyebrows in a good way and is a terrific ice-breaker to contact someone you might have a ?crush on.

So without further digital adieu, here are five of the 11 Dos and Don’ts for finding love on OkCupid.

Full article on Huffington Post

Article Excerpts

1. Don’t Answer all of the Questions

Some questions are best left unanswered. Be careful with those that seem too political or intimate in nature because this data is all over the Internet: You need to think every time you push the send button. ?For public answers, you should only pick the questions you would tell your mother [the answer to].

2. Don’t Exaggerate

There is a huge difference between fibbing about your height vs. your martial status. Single is single, and divorced is divorced. There is no status for Single–Divorce Pending.

3. Don’t Use Old Profile Pictures

If you’re thinking of putting up a profile pic from 2004 — reconsider. They are going to look you up on Google; they are going to look you up on Facebook. ?You’re thanked a lot for being recognizable and having truth in the advertising. So skip out on that glamour shot from the ’90s. And men — most of us agree that the muscle shot in front of the bathroom mirror is an automatic “skip.”

4. Don’t Be a Rude Rejector

Just like in real life, there are right and wrong ways to reject someone in the virtual world. I don’t believe in burning digital bridges. Why should you have to email someone and say, “Hey you’re not my type.”?Dont say you’re not my type — you haven’t met yet! But if you really aren’t attracted, ?just move on. Don’t message them back, or simply thank?them for the communication and wish them luck in their search.

5. Don’t Check Your Profile Obsessively

OkCupid’s popular free edition of its dating service comes with a few catches, one of which includes people knowing when you check into the site. While possible soulmates won’t know how long you’ve been online, they can view the time you last logged on. It can be very obsessive and dangerous to your emotional health. For example, what if you go on a great date only to realize that 30 minutes after you parted ways, your date accessed the site two more times that night? ?Take a deep breath and don’t jump to a digital conclusion.

Many thanks to Huffington Post for being included in this terrific article. Click here to read all 11 tips and feel free to chime in with your thoughts.

Julie Spira is a leading online dating expert and CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie was an early adopter of online dating and posted her first profile in 1994. Today, Julie creates irresistible profiles for singles on the dating scene and is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online.

For more dating advice sign up for our Weekly Flirt newsletter and like us at

And the Winners Are? iDate Awards for Best Dating Sites

Julie Spira at the iDate Awards

with Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Gary Kremen

You might have your favorite online dating site, but did you know the Internet dating industry actually has their own awards ceremony, similar to the Academy Awards?

iDate Conference organizer Marc Lesnick emceed the 3rd Annual iDate Awards ceremony along with Mark Brooks from Online Personals Watch. It was an honor and privilege to also be a presenter at the event held in Miami Beach on January 24, 2012.

The Internet Dating Executive Alliance and dating site members and users had the opportunity to vote.for their favorites in 12 categories.

OkCupid walked away with 3 iDate awards, received by Sam Yagan, CEO and co-founder of the site. Gary Kremen, known for creating online dating back in 1993 by being the original creator of received a well-deserved special Lifetime Achievement Award. Gary?was a Keynote speaker earlier in the day,

The complete list of winners are?.

Best Dating Site – OkCupid

Best Dating Site Design ? OkCupid

Best Dating Software Provider – White Label Dating

Best Mobile Dating App ? Grindr

Best Dating Coach ? Evan Marc Katz

Most Innovative Company ? OkCupid

Best New Technology ? Grindr

Best Up-And-Coming Dating Site ? How About We

Best Marketing Campaign ?

Best Affiliate Program ? FriendFinder

Best Payment System ?

Best Matchmaker ? Julie Ferman, Cupids Coach/eLove

We’ll be posting video highlights from the conference with the latest in online dating safety, mobile dating, and letting you know about some of the new niche sites that might help while looking for love online.

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of Follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira for dating advice and on


OkCupid Locals ? Say Goodbye to Being Dateless in Your City

Cell Phone EtiquetteDating on the fly just got a bit easier.

Our friends at OkCupid have announced OkCupid Locals, a mobile dating app on iOS and Android to help you meet compatible singles more quickly than ever.

With OkCupid locals, you?ll find a blend of a Twitter-like broadcast feature, FourSquare location based feature, and data from the online dating site?s 8-million members.

From connecting at a sports bar to meeting up at a happy hour, simply broadcast your dating intentions and the digital genie will grant your wish with a list of compatible matches closeby.

A service like this will help avoid the weeks and weeks of emailing back-and-forth that many online dating site members feel frustrated with.

There?s no reason to stay dateless in your city anymore.

Are using mobile dating applications or location-based services to meet other singles?? Comments and thoughts are always welcome and if you get a moment, follow me @JulieSpira on Twitter and like us at

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and bestselling author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Visit her at for dating advice and to learn how to create an irresistible online dating profile.

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