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Quote of the Day

Quote of the Day

Today’s Quote is from Jeremy Taylor. Many of you have seen it before and it’s always worth sharing.

The power of love, friendship and passion are parts of the recipe for a great relationship. Always start with friendship, because no matter what obstacles come your way, friendship is the glue that keeps it all together.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo

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The Post-Valentine’s Breakup

Peril of the Week - The Valentine's Break UpIf you’re feeling a little down after Valentine’s Day, you’re not alone.

Relationships go through peaks and valleys, or seasons and years.

Most couples love new beginnings and take the time to fall in love with each other all over again, whether from traveling to new places, or going down memory lane to where they once met. The other option is calling it quits because someone thinks the grass could be greener, which usually isn’t the case, and they often find it’s temporary.

When your expectations for Valentine’s Day, or any major holiday for that matter are high, it can cause a bump on the road or a full on collision.

RELATED: Gone Fishing or Is it Over?

The famous Facebook breakup chart shows a little bump the day before and the day after Valentine’s Day, as breaking up on Valentine’s Day would be a cruel thing to do with someone you’ve been dating for a long time.

Facebook Breakup Chart

As you can see, the time from Valentine’s to Spring Break are peak times for couples to call it quits, so hold on to your helmets. This phase happens twice a year and it’s going on right now. If you can make it past Spring Break, chances are you’re relationship will last for at least another eight months.

RELATED: Peril of the Week: The Valentine’s Breakup

Whether your relationship was sliding downward for a while, or the ending came as a complete shock, you’re bound to be feeling sad or down right now if you find yourself in this situation. 

There’s a reason why “Spring Fever” sounds like an illness and why April Fool’s Day is on par with a Valentine’s breakup. I you can relate to this, I urge you to communicate with your partner before jumping to wrong conclusions and losing what you’ve built, forever.

If you’re single, had a disappointing Valentine’s Day, or are in the middle of a breakup or divorce, you might be suffering from post-Valentine’s blues.  You may wake up sad in the morning, feel hopeless, and never get the closure you need to move on in a healthy way.

RELATED: 7 Dating Tips for Spring Fever

On the Wellness Universe blog,  Bernadette Smith listed 7 things to do if you’re feeling down after Valentine’s Day. She included sending yourself a “sweetheart card” and mailing it to yourself as something you’d like to receive from someone who loves you, as well as asking someone to hold your box of chocolates in the line at the supermarket, then leave, thus giving them a chocolate gift from the heart. Do things that make you and others feel good. I found her tips empowering and heartwarming.

The main takeaway from the post is the importance of gratitude.

Every night before I go to sleep, I say out loud, the five people I am grateful for. This helps me sleep better at night with a smile on my face. I also have a wish pillow, where I have a handwritten note in it, describing the type of love I want in my life. I have manifested love and the so-called perfect guy, by visualizing how he looked and he magically appeared. On the road map to love, I’ve been though most of the phases, which helps me be a better dating coach to you and to singles starting over, or who are looking for love online and finding it difficult in the crowded digital playground.

We are at a time where love is being replaced by fear and we don’t have to accept that. I encourage and challenge all of you to bring back love to the top of your list, starting with that lipstick on the mirror that says, “I love you.”

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.

If you need a little hand-holding, find out how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find love. We have helped so many singles through our coaching programs and want to give you hope and the tools to start over again.  Your next great relationship just might be a click or swipe away.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and is an award-wining dating coach. She’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram.

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10 Best U.S. Cities to Find Love This Year

Love knows no boundaries

“Love knows no reason, no boundaries, no distance. It has a sole intention of bringing people together to a time called forever.” ~Unknown

When I coach singles who are looking for love online, they limit themselves by searching maybe 15 miles from where they live. I actually had one client who only wanted to search 5 miles from Beverly Hills. When I reminded her that the airport was further than 5 miles away and she’d be happy to meet a cute guy on the plane, I convinced her to change her geographic parameters.

Whether you’re single and hoping to find your soulmate, or just want to find companionship and are open to having a long distance relationship, this list of the best cities from Zillow, may make you reconsider changing your zip code on your online dating profile, or widen the search parameters on your favorite mobile app.

See Infographic Below

RELATED: Digital Dating: Tips for Long-Distance Love

Best Cities for LoveZillow took a list of new single residents moving to a metropolitan city, their median income, and a peek at the number of spots that were good to meet a date per 10,000 residents.
The results were heavily weighed towards the East Coast and Mid-West, while the West Coast (Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Diego) didn’t make it to the list this year.

Here’s where you should consider moving to, if your job and family aren’t tying you to the city you reside in.

  • Boston, MA –  This collegiate city has 66% of singles, with 159 date spots.
  • New Orleans, LA – Not just a Mardi Gras party town, they’ve ranked at 59% of singles.
  • Indianapolis, IN – Even on a non- racing day, this town has 56% of singles with 30 date spots.
  • Richmond, VA – Known for their street art, this city has 54% of singles with 30 date spots.
  • Louisville, KY – Headed to the Derby? Maybe you’ll want to stay, with 54% of singles and 29 date spots.
  • Memphis, TN – A visit to Graceland might convince you to hang around longer, with 57% of singles and 20 date spots.
  • Providence, RI – Little Rhode Island’s Capitol has 53% of singles and 49 date spots.
  • Cleveland, OH – Cleveland rocks, plus they have 53% of singles and 27 date spots.
  • Las Vegas, NV – The former “Sin City” has become a hot place with the best restaurants around. Plus they’ve got 54% of singles and 21 date spots.
  • Milwaukee, WI – A visit to Lake Michigan might find you one of 53% of singles at 25 date spots.

Zillow, who’s in the real estate business, reports that the majority of new home owners are married. So my advice is to cast a wide net before you put a ring on it, or decide to couple up and go house hunting.

RELATED: Would You Move for  Love?

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Zillow - Best Cities for Love

Julie Spira speaks to Dr. Drew Midday – Do Millenials Really Date?

Dr. Drew Match Study

 

 

 

 

 

It was a fun and informative radio show interview on Dr. Drew Midday Live with Mike Catherwood on KABC Radio in Los Angeles.

Drew, Mike and I spoke about all the juicy details on the Mach.com’s 7th Annual Singles in America Survey. Our segment is 20:25 minutes in, to hear the playback.

LISTEN HERE TO DR. DREW MIDDAY LIVE ON KABC

Transcript

Dr. Drew:  We’re going to go out to Julie Spira now. She’s a national online dating expert. Match.com has their 7th Singes in America Survey. Julie Thanks for joining us.

Julie: Hi! Happy to be here guys.

Dr. Drew: So what does this survey teach us?

Julie: A lot more than any of the others. I have monitored all of the Singles in America studies, but this was one was a biggie the 7th. Anything from millennials’ attitudes towards sex, politics, feminism, you name it. So this was was really talking about things that. Online dating addiction.

Dr. Drew: Oh I saw that.

Julie: People are addicted to online dating.

Dr. Drew: 15% say they are addicted to the process of online dating. Are they also addicted to going on the dates and finding the dates and meeting different people?

READ MORE: Help! My Friends Say I’m Addicted to Online Dating

Julie: Well I think the good part is they actually do go on the dates and meeting people, but they’re overwhelmed by the process. In the results, some have a little burn out and they need to take a break.  But at the end of the day, it’s very very efficient. With over 50% of singles have created an online dating profile, so say so long to that old stigma.

Dr. Drew: There is another sort of bit of this data that caught so wind this morning and that is 1 3 singles said they had sex before their first date and they’re 48% more likely to have had sex before the first date than all the other generations. And that some people interpreting as the millennials feeling that sex was sort of an interview to determine if they want to date. And I said, that might be the data but it’s missing the point, which is that millennials don’t really date. If they’re going to quote dating, they’re going to have to have a relationship, so sex is the way of leading into the relationship.

Mike: Why am I as old as I am?

Julie: I look at it as digital foreplay. If they’re having sex before they’re meeting, they’re obviously sexting and  if that’s the qualifier to say now I’m willing to meet you in person because now I think we’re in a relationship, I find that a little of concern. I really do. The old fashioned courtship..

Dr. Drew: Courtship is gone. We have to call it something else because they recoil against that. I think we should call it an assessment process or something. They need to have the capacity to assess people but Julie hold on, I need to talk to my partner here. Why do we need to assess?

Mike: Why is it that courtship will be gone? By no means am I a super-refined guy, or the pinnacle of gentlemanly behavior. I took pride in opening the doors for women, taking them out on a date and bringing them flowers.

Dr. Drew: That’s different than courtship. I have to take a break, but Julie, I want to address this issue of courtship. By the way, the twitter handle for you?

Julie: @JulieSpira and CyberDatingExpert.com.

Dr. Drew: That’s j-u-l-ie-s-p-i-r-a, but Mike, the reason you’re as old as you are is because you were not partaking in all of this, for if you were partaking in all of this, you wouldn’t make it out alive.

Mike: ….All joking aside, I might have started to proceed into, grow into much more dangerous behavior.

Dr. Drew:  Oh, it would have been part of the addictive process.

Mike: I had numerous partners a day, commonly, without tinder. Before Tinder was even invented. Can you imagine if I could order a ho like pizza?

READ MORE: Match Singles in America Study Says Put Your Phone Away

Dr. Drew: Midday Live Dr. Drew With Mike Catheter. We’re talking on 790 KABC and we’ll be back with Julie Spira and the Match survey after this.

Dr. Drew: Let’s go back to Julie Spira. She’s a Match Online Dating Expert. Julie, what is your website again?

Julie: It’s CyberDatingExpert.com

Dr. Drew: Courtship. So why have we expunged courtship? I remember back when I was a youth. It was sort of not cool. The whole idea in the 50s we were specifically rebelling against. And then against now, we have just never recovered from that. And it’s just continuing to deteriorate and then here the three of us are going, “courtship is important.” Why are we not doing that?

Julie: I think people are doing that. We’re finding the boomers are still opening the doors, grabbing that bill first, and picking up the phone and actually calling somebody to go on a date instead of relying solely on their mobile phones.

Dr. Drew: Texting. Yeah. And the millennials are all over the place too. Not all of them are necessarily even dating. Not a lot of them are even having sex compared to previous generations. And when they are, they’re doing it sometimes in sort of aggressive, I don’t mean aggressive in sort of the act, but aggressive in the sense of tactics. So it’s hard to figure out. I’ve been going to college campuses for years and saying, “Please restore courtship. Whatever you want to call it. Restore something where there’s an assessment process, no?

Julie: I agree and the good news is it’s not all doomsday. It is good news. 81% of the singles surveyed said they were interested in finding a romantic partner, a romantic love. Love is alive and well. We’re just looking at millennials, who in my opinion aren’t sure whether they’re hanging out or on a date.

Mike: We definitely saw that in the end of love line where how many guys were confused on where they stood with the girls. Like wildly confused.

Dr. Drew: What do you mean?

Julie: They don’t know how to define dating. Did you ask her on a date? Did you pay for the bill?

READ MORE: Are We Dating Or Just Hanging Out?

Mike: We’ve never actually been in the same room together, but we’re in love. That was a lot of guys, or they would hang out with a girl and she maybe just had pure intentions of being friendly. They liked each others’ company and he thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend. That happened all the time. I got a very clear message when I was 20. But I also took aggressive tactics as well.

Dr. Drew: Oh really? Talk to us about that as well. What happened?

Mike: I don’t think we want to talk about that. Drew, I told you my tactics.

Dr. Drew: I know. (laughing). I just realized it. We can’t talk about it on the air. You know Mike, I think things are improving. To be fair, I guess you were a lone ranger with that stuff.

Mike: I was. I was a rogue warrior

Dr. Drew: Alright. Any other data we want to focus in on here Julie before we let you go?

Julie: Well I think it’s really important to talk a little about FOMO. The fear of missing out. Social media is really causing a lot of anxiety for singles and they’re afraid to post a photo unless they look absolutely gorgeous, because everything is about the photos. I find that really interesting because social media anxiety disorder is something I talk about a lot. So if you feel anxious about social media, take an unplugging day and go back to it the next day.

Dr. Drew: That’s interesting. Yes. Social Media Anxiety Disorder. One day it will be a diagnostic. Because you have anxiety when you don’t use it, you have anxiety when you do use it, you have anxiety for fear of missing out when you’re on it, yeah, it’s really good for mental health.

Julie: Who doesn’t count how many likes they have after posting a photo?

Dr. Drew: Alright Julie. Thank you so much again. @JulieSpira is the Twitter handle, correct? Twitter and Instagram @JulieSpira and of course the website CyberDatingExpert.com, where’s there’s a whole ton of free dating advice, so take a peek.

Mike: Let me just say,  I found this conversation very In-SPIRA-ing.

Julie: Oh I love that, thank you.

LISTEN TO THE FULL SEGMENT HERE

READ ABOUT THE MATCH SINGLES IN AMERICA SURVEY HERE

 

Match Singles in America Study Says Put Your Phone Away

Online Dating Anxiety Disorder

Every year, our friends at Match conduct an in-depth survey of singles to determine their habits in a variety of topics.

In the 7th annual Singles in America study, released for Valentine’s, the dating site surveyed 5000 singles and showed that many suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) on social media, and that some are addicted to the process that I call Online Dating Anxiety Disorder, or ODAD.

On the Match blog, they posted their findings and found that 15% of singles say they feel addicted to the process of looking for a date. It gets worse for millennials, where they are 125% more likely to feel addicted to dating, than older generations.

Singles in America - ODAD

RELATED: Online Dating Anxiety Disorder: Is it Worse During the Holidays?

What’s interesting to note, is that men suffer more from online dating addiction, with 97% admitted to feeling addicted to finding a date, as compared to 54% of women who are feeling burned out while looking for love.

What is Online Dating Disorder, and Do You Have it?

Online dating anxiety disorder, online dating addition disorder, or even online dating fatigue. I call it ODAD and it happens to singles who swipe all day long on mobile apps and to those with the shopping cart mentality who feel there’s another pretty face around the corner. When this happens, I encourage singles to take a break, take a walk, go to the movies, and leave your mobile phone at home.

RELATED: Holiday Dating Online: Does it Make You Anxious?

If this feels like a dating doomsday story, that’s not exactly the case. The good news is over half (53%) of singles have created a dating profile and 40% of singles actually met someone they found online, as compared to 25% of singles surveyed who said they met someone from a friend.

So if you’re feeling burned out on dating and tired of swiping, my best advice to you is to take a mini break. Spend time with your friends, read a good book, have a girls’ or guys’ night out and then jump back on the digital dating saddle and log on for love.

Leave Your Mobile Phone OFF the Table During a Date

Single in America Match Phones
Source: SinglesinAmerica.com

Remember, your mobile phone is really for emergencies if you’re on a date, or for confirming a date with someone, other than the person you’re sitting across from. Keep that phone in your purse and pocket and focus on getting to know your date. The Match survey found that 75% of singles are turned off if you answer your phone on a date and 66% aren’t keen on you texting during a date.

While this seems to make common sense, one of the biggest complaints I get from clients as a dating coach, is that their date was texting and tweeting during the date. Don’t do this. Put your phone away!

If you happen to love your meal and can’t resist taking a photo for your instagram account, ask permission from your date to do so, instead of just snapping away. Let your date know you’re a foodie and love the meal in front of you. This way he or she will be pleased on the selection of the date and won’t feel like they are lower on the dating totem pole than your not-so-smart phone.

For more on the survey visit SinglesinAmerica.com.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert and has been coaching singles on finding love online with her Irresistible Profiles programs for over 20 years. Julie’s the recent winner of the 2017 iDate Awards for Best Dating Coach and is the author of the bestseller The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and ranks as the most influential person in social media in “dating” and “online dating.”

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. SIGN UP for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice.

Valentine’s Day for Women is Like the Super Bowl for Men

Valentine's Day versus the Super BowlIt’s officially Super Bowl week and Valentine’s Day is two weeks from today.

As we count down the days to Super Bowl 51 (LI) at NRG Stadium in Houston. Stadium, whether you’re rooting for the New England Patriots or the Atlanta Falcons, one thing is for sure, it’s going to be an emotional and exciting two weeks for both men and women alike.

Women often wonder if men hate Valentine’s Day and are sending roses and buying them chocolate just to stay out of the doghouse.  Men want to know if the girls are authentically cheering for their favorite team and if they really like sports at all, or are they there just to see Lady Gaga perform in the half time show.

In other words, most men don’t want to be distracted by women while watching the game, unless they’re viewing the cheerleaders on TV.  Guys wait all year for this day and romance is put on hold until one team gets the ring.

This year, the Super Bowl Sunday and Valentine’s Day are nine days apart. Some decide to celebrate the holiday over the weekend before, on February 10-12th and others pony up the price fixe menu at a romantic restaurant, because they know if you’re not together on Valentine’s Day, there will be an explosion, and it won’t be when you’re under the sheets.

Valentine’s Day is the Super Bowl of Dating

I’ve gone on record as saying the Valentine’s Day for Women is like the Super Bowl for Men. It’s a double-header, so enjoy the ride. Most guys won’t even make a dinner reservation or ask a girl out until after Super Bowl Sunday. I encourage you not to wait until the last minute to ask your date to be your Valentine, or you might find out that she’s made other plans.

RELATED: Valentine’s Countdown: How to Land a Date

Here’s my side-by-side comparison of the Super Bowl and Valentine’s.

Super Bowl Sunday is a sacred day for most American men. It’s showtime as most guys count down the days, hours, and even minutes to their favorite television day of the year.

Meanwhile, across the hall, women have their own favorite holiday to think about, Valentine’s Day. With these two major events just over one week apart, it’s obvious that the Super Bowl for men is revered in the same way as Valentine’s Day is for women. Whether you’re a sports fan or a hopeless romantic, comparing the two will help you understand how important these days are for the opposite sex.

Why do I think the Super Bowl for men is like Valentine’s Day for women?

Quite simply, both men and women put all of their emotional energies into these two bigger-than-life events. Often, a woman doesn’t understand why watching two teams trying to score is so important to her guy. He just can’t miss this game. It’s the end of the season and the two best teams go for the ring.

Guys on the other hand, simply don’t understand that if you’re dating a woman and forget to plan something, just anything, for Valentine’s Day, you probably won’t get a date with her on February 15th, or any day after. Guys, if you’re playing the field on mobile dating apps or flirting on Tinder and Bumble, if you don’t ask our your digital crush, you lose. Game over.

Men wait all year for the Super Bowl, this big day in television. Women wait for Valentine’s Day, with the hope that their special guy will either propose, offer to take his online dating profile down, or say I love you for the first time. Women even secretly hope that the guy they are dating might want to change his Facebook status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a Relationship.’ It’s on the digital wish list for women, period.

Are you Prepared for Super Bowl and Valentine’s Day?

Men are very prepared for the Super Bowl. They decide which venue to view the game at and with whom they would like to spend watching the teams battle it out. Women like to be prepared. They start giving little hints out a month in advance about their favorite romantic restaurant, post photos of jewelry or trinkets on instagram and facebook, all with the hope the the guy they’re dating will take the cue and book a reservation before their favorite eatery is fully booked.

However in contrast, when a man’s favorite team loses the Super Bowl, he will be disappointed, but will get over it. He’ll know there’s another chance next year and will spend the entire football season rooting for his team. If a woman’s favorite beau, or someone she is dating ,doesn’t ask her out for Valentine’s Day, she won’t get over it. Expect a breakup or a big confrontation.

RELATED: 10 Valentine’s Date Ideas that Won’t Break the Bank

She’ll assume he’s romancing another woman and will know she’s not on the top of his list. Chances are, his shelf life as her “number one guy” will immediately expire. Unless he’s out of town on business or in a long-distance relationship, he won’t get another chance to romance her. No woman wants to be at the bottom of the dating totem pole, especially on Valentine’s Day. Expect to be unfriended, or don’t be surprised if she doesn’t return your phone calls or texts.

So whether you like football or not, love or hate Valentine’s Day, remember to talk to the person you are dating about what these days mean to both of you. If you’re single, use this opportunity to accept all invitations for both the Super Bowl and Valentine’s singles mixers. Even if your team loses and you’re dateless on the 14th, you’ll be casting a wider net and expanding your social circle.

Go ahead and accept that Super Bowl party invitation. If you’re single, you just might find a date in time for Valentine’s as well. It’s a win-win for everyone. If you need help with your profile or online dating advice, we’re here to help.

Related: Social Media Rules for Valentine’s Day

Which team will you be rooting for this Super Bowl and do you love, or hate Valentine’s Day?

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram.

Sign up for our Weekly Flirt and like us at Facebook.com/CyberDatingExpert.

Thanksgiving Love

Thanksgiving Heart

It’s Thanksgiving week and many of you are headed to the airport or are packing your bags to visit friends, family, and loved ones.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time for many. It’s the big holiday leading up to even bigger holidays. It’s Cuffing Season, where couples are changing their relationship statuses and taking down their profiles.

The stores are filled with holiday ornaments and everyone should be filled with gratitude, right?

Often we look for things that aren’t working in our lives. We compare ourselves to others’ Facebook updates and force a cheery smile when out and about.

Maybe your career isn’t on track. Maybe your relationship is uncertain. Maybe you’re suffering from a recent breakup or can’t get over an ex. All of these feelings and more are very real. The get magnified big time at the holidays.

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays of the year. There have been some Thanksgiving holidays that I wished I could have stay under the covers, but I got over it.

Still, it’s a time to pause and think about those in your life. The memories that still bring a smile to your face, the possibilities of the future, and most importantly, think about living in the present right now. As I embark on a road trip to visit my family for Thanksgiving, I thought I’d share 10 things I’m grateful for this Thanksgiving and hope that you chime in with your gratitude list as well.

10 Things I’m Grateful for This Thanksgiving

  • I’m spending it with my happily married parents.
  • I have a huge girlfriend network online and IRL, who I consider my extended family.
  • I have a boyfriend, who I adore, who gets me and is the love of my life.
  • I live in a beautiful place near the ocean in sunny California.
  • I enjoy daily walks around boats and the water and watch sunsets over the Pacific.
  • I have helped so many singles find love and have been responsible for many marriages.
  • I’m friends with many of my ex’s and we think of each other fondly.
  • I work out with an amazing trainer to keep my mind, body, and soul all in shape.
  • I’ve built a multi-media brand about dating, love, and romance.
  • I stay true to my heart and soul and always come from a genuine place of authenticity.

All in all, I’m healthy, happy, and appreciate every moment of this journey called life.

Gratitude can change your day, your moments and add more joy to your life. So grab your gratitude journal or start one day. Sneak a note into your wish pillow. Grab your mobile phone and create a list.  Know that the possibilities are endless!

What are you grateful for today?

Please take a moment and make your list. You might be surprised at the results.

On this Thanksgiving, I wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Follow me @JulieSpira on Twitter for Dating Advice

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Ghosting: The Cultural Phenomenon in Dating

Ghosted

Whether you’re swiping left and right on a mobile app or meeting IRL through friends or co-workers, when it’s time to call it quits, couples are changing their relationship statuses by disappearing entirely.

Being ghosted is the coward’s way of breaking up.

Singles are finding ghosting the easy way out. Technology that connects us to find love can disconnect us in a digital split second. One day you’re talking about the future lying naked in bed with your boyfriend or girlfriend and the next day you’re blocked on social media and texts come to a complete halt. Confused by this disappearing act, you find your texts are getting ignored, your phone is blocked from receiving your calls and it appears like they’ve moved to another country or into the arms of another without the decency of a proper ending.

As technology affects all aspects of relationships, I have found myself becoming a ghosting or ghosted expert with the barrage of emails from heartbroken singles wondering what they did wrong to push someone away without the formality of a breakup conversation to get the closure they so desperately need.

According to online dating site PlentyofFish’s survey, 80% of millennials admitting to have been ghosted, or being the ghoster. The trend is rising daily among all demographics. Here are reasons why singles are ghosting big time and what to do instead.

1. You’re a Coward. Gone are the days of “post-it” breakups and even email breakups. You know it’s uncool to play Casper when it’s not Halloween, but you don’t have the guts to tell him or her it’s over. Pull up your big boy or big girl pants and do the deed in person if geography allows. You might get a slap on the face or a confrontation you’d prefer not to have, but have the convo. It might be possible to salvage your relationship through healthy communication, or end on mutual terms.

2. You’ve Met Someone Else. If you’re relationship has been on a downhill slide, you’re probably open to meeting someone else. Often there’s double-dipping involved and there could be an overlap that your new squeeze and old squeeze don’t know about. Tired of living a double-life and rather than coming clean (which means yes, did you sleep with someone else?), you ease into a new relationship and ease out of the one you were in by going MIA. If you think your relationship is over, don’t stay in it for the sex. Make a clean break in person, via phone, anything except disappearing into the arms of another, as your soon-to-be ex will see new photos on Instagram and Facebook and you can expect some nasty texts to appear on your smart phone from someone scorned and publicly humiliated.

3. You’re not Feeling It Anymore. You’ve gone through the motions, have met each others’ friends, talked about being exclusive, and then commit to being monogamous. Maybe he or she was a great kisser and your texts bordered on sexting, but once you slept together, it was plain bad. There’s more to the relationship than sex only, but if you can’t imagine seeing them again after oh so boring sex, you ghost. Not nice. People get nervous the first time they have get naked together. The pressure is on big time. Don’t make it about being incompatible in bed. That’s the worst kind of pain after your partner bears their heart, soul, and body.

Read: Ghosted for the First Time

4. You want to Play the Field. Beginnings are exciting. The first text, the first kiss, the first weekend away, yes, butterflies still exist and everyone is on good behavior. You’re having so much fun with your steady squeeze until you realize that you’re attached, when you really prefer to be single. You decide that the grass is greener when you’re attached and want to fly solo. When you’re solo, you think the grass is greener and want to be in a relationship. Meanwhile, your significant other didn’t do anything wrong. You truly like them, but the shiny new feeling wore off and there’s another cute smile flirting with you right now. What do you do? You get out of the digital handcuffs, disappear and don’t explain that you aren’t interested in spending the holidays with his or her family.

What to do if your significant other ghosts you

1. Don’t Send Repeated Texts that Get Ignored. One-way texts are humiliating and the are self-inflicted digital pain. Staring at your phone waiting for his or her reply can become obsessive. Turn your phone off and go to a movie with a friend, take a walk, do anything but press the send button on another text. If the person you were involved with doesn’t have the balls to end a relationship with a conversation, don’t stalk them online or offline to get closure. It will push them away and it will confirm their thoughts that you’re  a crazy ex.  Go no contact ASAP and text a friend or me instead of your lost lover.

Read: Is Your New Boyfriend Ghosting?

2. Give the Ghoster Space. Sometimes a person just needs a break. When someone tells you they want a break, the initial reaction is that it’s a breakup. After all “break” is the first part of the word, right? Give your Ghoster a few days to sort out their feelings, have some space to think about life without you and they may return. They don’t even think they’ve ghosted you, but you’re hurting big time. The best think you can do for yourself is stay busy with your friends while your ghosting lover is thinking it over.

3. Let him/her Go. People who ghost know it’s not the right thing to do, but everyone else is doing it and it’s become so easy, so why not follow a trend? If someone you were involved with finds you to be that disposable, give them a one-way ticket out of your life.

Ghosters have a habit of not ending it formally, because if their other options don’t work out, they want to have the opportunity to return. It’s not a love hiatus when it’s not mutual and it’s fine to call a ghoster out on their behavior. If he/she ghosts you once, you’ll get ghosted again. Don’t become that person in rotation.

4. Don’t Take it Out on The Next Person. Just because you’ve been ghosted, doesn’t mean it’s acceptable and you should ghost the next person you meet. Treat others the way you want to be treated and let’s stop all of this ghosting once and for all.

Have you been ghosted before? How did it make you feel?

Your comments are welcome.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and is the CEO and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. Julie was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love online and on their mobile phones for over two decades. She’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online. Sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter for dating advice and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

It’s Cuffing Season. What Does That Mean for Singles?

Cuffing SeasonCuffing Season is Here

Bundle up! The leaves are turning colors, fall is officially here, it’s getting chilly outside, and singles and couples alike are starting to think about curling up with someone special for the holidays.

This is what happens in the fall. It becomes ‘Cuffing Season,’ when the desire to couple up for the holidays is at an all time high.

What is Cuffing Season?

Cuffing season starts in the fall when the weather starts to change, kids go back to school, and summer romances fizzle out. Suddenly you’ll notice friends of yours who claim to be forever single appearing at a party with a significant other or new boyfriend or girlfriend. Others will flock to online dating sites to hope to connect with someone for the holidays. To be honest here, it’s a busy time for singles looking for love online as they imagine kissing under the mistletoe with someone special or toasting a glass of bubbly on New Year’s.

In thinking back to my past, I can honestly say that I’ve witnessed several relationships fail in the fall and new ones become solidified by November.  Did they know it was ‘Cuffing Season?’ Probably not.

So my friends and tweethearts, as a dating and relationship expert and coach, I encourage you to take the covers off your head, go out with a big smile on your face and be approachable, as it really can be an exciting time for love. Sipping hot toddies or hot chocolate by the fireplace is a visual you just might want to be a participant in. Party invites from business networking events are starting to pile in, so RSVP and fill up your date card.

READ: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO CUFFING SEASON

It’s time to embrace the month we are to be the most thankful for with Thanksgiving around the corner. Time is speeding fast and there are plenty of singles that will be excited to have you in their life.

If you’re in a toxic relationship or one that makes you anxious or are walking on eggshells, it’s time to get out. Staying in a bad relationship for the holidays just prevents you from finding someone more compatible to create new memories with. The possibilities are endless!

If you need any hand holding, check out our Irresistible Profiles packages to help speed up your search.

Happy Cuffing Season.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
~Julie and the Cyber-Dating Expert Team

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She has been helping singles find love on the Internet for over 20 years. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and instagram for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

 

What Happens to Relationships When Summer Ends

text end of summer on beach

Summer Love Affairs

From teenage crushes to boomers with empty nests, something odd happens around Labor Day weekend for many relationships. When you hit the 3-month mark, the honeymoon phase, it’s common to see a shift. It may be a tell tale sign that your relationship can’t go the distance, or you just might be getting tested for the next phase.

For those flying solo, the end of summer can be a reflective time thinking about your relationship status as you head into the holiday season, kicking off with Labor Day.

When summer is over, wardrobes change in closets, the temperature starts to dip, and inevitably a summer romance, one that went from Memorial Day to Labor Day, often runs its course. It’s often a time where relationships fall by the wayside. Before you call it quits, read this entire post to determine if your relationship is worth saving. If you’re already single, then I have good news for you. You’ll be in good company with many others who are looking for someone just like you and this weekend will be hopping digitally, big time.

Also, with students leaving for college, some students will find themselves in a long-distance relationship, which has its own set of challenges.

Single parents with children going back to school, will find their calendars split between parent-teacher meetings and filling up their date cards. It’s a new season, so get ready for the ride.

If you’re logging on to dating sites more often this weekend, you’re not alone. Sunday will be a peak day of the holiday weekend for new sign ups and log ins for singles who’d like to change their status to “In a Relationship” before the year is over.

Does a Change of Season Mean Your Relationship Has to End?

With the change of seasons, how do you know if you can handle a long distance relationship this fall? If your significant other is still in town, how do you know if your passionate summer love was just a fling or the real thing?

If you notice your relationship is tapering off as we lead into Labor Day, should you part ways as friends now that summer is over and wish each other well, or sign up for another season of love? These I can guarantee you are questions that you will be asking yourself. I suggest you take the time to really think about the next relationship stage.

Related: How to Handle the Dreaded Pull Back

The Four Seasons of a Long Term Relationship

I’ve always said that long-term relationships should go through multiple seasons to determine if you’re compatible with your significant other or not. Yes, winter, spring, summer and fall. All of them, each with their unique beauty and differences can help you pass the test of time.

First Three Months

As cliché as it sounds, we know there is some validity to the three-month honeymoon phase. At first, you’ll find everything about the other person to be exciting. It’s like having a first crush all over again. From giggles and hiccups to their exercise regime, you just suck it all in like a sponge that won’t dry out in those early days, especially in a summer romance. All those cute text messages are becoming part of your daily regime. It gives you a high just to hear the customized sound of your partner’s text tone.

When these relationships peak in the summer, it’s often hard to tell whether it’s lust or love with all of the outdoor heat, but oddly, as the summer ends, it’s not unusual to start receiving less text messages from your beau, or to want to spend more time with your friends instead. The days in between getting together seem to be getting longer while the days start to become shorter. The routine of your love life just isn’t as exciting as it used to be.

Months 3-6

During months 3-6, the “imperfect stage,” don’t be surprised if your single friends see your steady sweetie’s profile reactivated online. He or she may just be fishing to see who else might send a text or email, even if they aren’t setting up any dates. Then a Facebook check in mysteriously appears when someone is supposed to be home sick and boom, they’re busted and you’re in tears. During this phase, you should be enjoying time with each others’ friends and family to see how everyone fits in, or not.

If you can relate to these feelings or sequence of events, the problem may not be with the calendar, but more often-than-not be related to serious commitment issues that one of you may be struggling with.

The next think you know, someone isn’t sure if they’re feeling it anymore. Rather than be honest about the relationship, they’re cultivating conversations on Facebook with high school or college pals to create distance, and the trust dissipates. It’s the beginning of the end and it hurts big time.

Weather changes, months change, routines change and even those relationships with the best of intentions run their course. At the end of the summer, it’s like the end of the calendar year. People reevaluate their relationship statuses and decide whether to renew for another three months.

Related: What to Do When He Pulls Back

By months 6-9 and 9-12, you’re probably in a committed relationship. You’ve defined the relationship and might even talk about moving in together or the future.  This doesn’t mean you won’t feel a shift at the end of the summer. It might be just a bump on the road, but it’s a time to review your relationship status and see if you’re on the same page.

What to Do if Your Summer Romance is Fading

If you feel a distance growing between the two of you, this is what you need to do.

Have the conversation first with your partner sooner, rather than later.

Don’t toss away the relationship so quickly. Acknowledge all of the amazing things you’ve done together as a couple and honor the memories you’ve shared. Ask the other person if there’s anything they can do to keep the relationship alive. Space apart isn’t the end of the world, or even the end of your relationship. Often someone needs some time to miss the other and pulls back to regain their sense of self and individuality.  Remember, bumps on the road are an opportunity for personal growth within a relationship, and are not necessarily the beginning of the end.

Say goodbye gracefully.

If at the end of your conversation, you feel you aren’t compatible or if someone has already strayed, wish each other well before you start logging on or swiping right on your mobile apps looking for a replacement.

If it’s really over, it’s important to mourn the loss of your relationship, because your friendship, bond and the daily connectivity will abruptly end. Trying to get together immediately as friends during this emotional time is not a good idea. It will backfire. There’s no such thing as a mutual breakup where everyone is happy. One person might think it will lessen their guilt. I’m here to tell you that it won’t. You fell in love with someone for a reason, not a season.

Related: Time to Let Go of Your Ex

Take a breather and make time for you!

If you find that your summer love has ended, don’t reactivate your online dating profile or mobile dating apps for at least a week. Sure it’s great for your ego to get people lining up to meet you for dates, but it isn’t fair for someone new not to get the best version of you. Dating while you’re still pining away for your ex can increase your sadness. You’re a walking-wounded person and it’s healthy to take a break.

Can you Really be Friends with Your Ex?

Some people stay friends with their ex’s and have no problem with it, but I can tell you it doesn’t happen seamlessly and instantly. My ex-boyfriend is one of my best friends, but it took time to get to that point and we had a serious talk about boundaries. Also the guy I originally wrote this article about three years ago just sent a text over Labor Day weekend, after disappearing many years ago.

After enough time has gone by and you both have moved on with other relationships, it’s possible to be friends with your summer romance in another season, but in my experience, you truly need at least three to six months to segue a romantic relationship into a real friendship (without benefits or jealousy).

But then again, do you really want to be friends with someone who broke your heart?

If you’re ready to find a serious relationship, contact us now for our Labor Day Special of 20% off Irresistible Profiles  and become one of our many success stories!

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam. xo

Julie Spira is an online dating expert and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s the author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram. Sign up for the free Weekly Flirt.

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