In the News

Did You Know It’s Cuffing Season?

Autumn HeartHello November!

It’s starting to get chilly outside and singles and couples alike are starting to think about bundling up with someone special for the holidays. Just yesterday, we had rain in Los Angeles, which is unusual and I bundled up with my ski parka as the temperatures dipped.

In case you haven’t heard of it, it’s officially ‘Cuffing Season.’ You might wonder what exactly ‘Cuffing Season’ is, so here’s the scoop.

What is Cuffing Season?

Cuffing season starts in the fall when the weather starts to change, kids go back to school, and the leaves start to fall on the ground. Suddenly you’ll notice friends of yours who claim to be forever single appearing at a party with a significant other or new boyfriend or girlfriend. Others will flock to online dating sites to hope to connect with someone for the holidays. To be honest here, it’s a busy time for singles looking for love online as they imagine kissing under the mistletoe with someone special or toasting a glass of bubbly on New Year’s.

In thinking back to my past, I can honestly say that several of my relationships started in the fall and solidified in November to being exclusive. Did they know it was ‘Cuffing Season?’ Probably not.

So my friends and tweethearts, as a dating and relationship expert and coach, I encourage you to take the covers off your head, go out with a big smile on your face and be approachable, as it really can be an exciting time for love. Sipping hot toddies or hot chocolate by the fireplace is a visual you just might want to be a participant in. Party invites from business networking events are starting to pile in, so RSVP and fill up your date card.


It’s time to embrace the month we are to be the most thankful for with Thanksgiving around the corner. Time is speeding fast and there are plenty of singles that will be excited to have you in their life.

If you’re in a toxic relationship or one that makes you anxious or are walking on eggshells, it’s time to get out. Staying in a bad relationship for the holidays just prevents you from finding someone more compatible to create new memories with. The possibilities are endless!

If you need any hand holding, check out our Irresistible Profiles packages to help speed up your search.

Happy Cuffing Season.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo
~Julie and the Cyber-Dating Expert Team

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She has been helping singles find love on the Internet for over 20 years. Follow @JulieSpira for dating advice and sign up for the Free Weekly Flirt newsletter.


LIVE Event: Mastering the Dating Relationship Puzzle

Julie Spira - Dr. Gary Penn

It’s an honor and joy to announce that Dr. Gary Penn has invited me, along with Shannon Colleary to his LIVE PODCAST event in Los Angeles on Wednesday, October 21, 2015.

If you’re struggling to find a great relationship or are trying to get out of a dead-end one, this event is for you.

For only $25 you’ll receive:

Wine, nibbles and a great interactive coaching workshop with Dr. Penn and his guests: Life Coach Shannon Colleary and myself, Julie Spira, America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker!


We’ll be fielding audience questions, (anonymously, due to the podcast) which will serve as “mini” sessions for the entire group.

Dr. Penn has certainly walked the walk. He has learned a great deal in his quest to find a loving and connecting relationship. He knows how difficult it is to find “the one”.  He is committed to increasing your odds!

He brings not only his clinical knowledge to this workshop, but also his personal experience to help you work on the self-awareness and emotional availability necessary to find and sustain a loving, healthy relationship.

He’ll help you achieve a state of psychological awareness while teaching you his unique communication and dating skills.


Life Coach Shannon Colleary, best known for her “Asshat Recovery Program” articles on The Huffington Post, is an expert in helping her clients break their addiction to toxic relationships.
Like Dr. Penn, Shannon has walked-the-walk to recovery, ending her last toxic relationship by using steps inspired by the 12-step programs. After which, Shannon attracted a loving, stable, funny man she’s been married to for fifteen years.

And now she’s helping her clients to do the same thing.

Plus, I’ll be there live and on the podcast as well.

Here’s a bio for me:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. Julie is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and is a frequent guest in the media, having appeared in over 650 news stories on the intersection of love and technology. She was named the “Pioneer of Online Dating” by Cosmo and was listed in the Top 10 Dating Advice Columnists to Follow on Twitter.” Her Irresistible Profiles programs have helped millions of singles speed up their search to find love online. Julie will be discussing the 7 Secrets to Finding Love Online and will help demystify the cryptic text messages that women and men send to each other.

Here are some results you can expect from this 3-hour workshop:

  • You’ll discover why you’re attracted to certain types of people; i.e. emotionally troubled, unavailable people, or people who want to quickly fall in “love” and fuse with you.
  • You’ll leave with actionable tasks to break your addiction to a toxic relationship, if you’re in one.
  • You’ll have a new skill set to approach dating.
  • You will have all the secrets of how to approach online dating.

You’ll have clarity about what you really want and need and how to appropriately convey that when dating someone new.


Who this workshop is for:People who are motivated to make a change in their lives with this kind of attitude:

  • “Enough is enough! Tomorrow doesn’t have to be like today. I can change!”
  • “I can take control of my life instead of constantly feeling disappointed and hopeless!”
  • “I can identify my psychological blind spots and learn new and highly functional ways of connecting.”

“It’s time for me to stand tall and move forward with confidence and optimism.”

Who this workshop isn’t for:

  • People who are invested in staying in the victim role.
  • People who aren’t willing to take responsibility for their choices and their life.
  • People who blame others for their hopelessness and misery.
  • People who want to continually live in the past, which keeps them from fulfillment in the present.

That Bat time and Bat channel again? Wednesday Oct. 21st from 7-10 p.m.
The Roc Center, 607 Arizona Ave. Santa Monica, Ca. Between 6th and 7th street, one-block north of Santa Monica Blvd. (310) 450-ROCK (7625).


How big is this event?
We can only take 90 people.
Can men come too?
Yes, this is a co-ed event.
Do I have to talk?
We would suggest that you ask all of your burning questions. However you’re not obligated to speak. You can absolutely learn a lot just by listening to what other people ask and the responses they receive.

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice.

Has the Tinder Hookup Culture Ruined Romance?

Mobile PhoneIn the September issue of Vanity Fair, Nancy Jo Sales wrote an in -depth piece called, Tinder and the Dawn of “Dating Apocalypse.” It’s an eye-opener and validation of a woman’s worst fear. The guys are swiping right to hook up and it’s all just a game.

In the story, it’s reported that 100 million people are using mobile apps, with about 50 million on Tinder. The Tinder blog reports 25 million matches a day. The numbers are mind-boggling and enormous.

The VF story is really about sex and hookups. Mobile apps just happen to ramp up the numbers in a digital second, and singles in their 20s are buying into the hooking up program, I believe which ruins their chance at romance.

READ: Swipe Regret on Tinder?

We’re living in a virtual world of swiping left and swiping right, with many instantly determining if you’re hot or not. But even if you’re not considered hot, many just keep swiping right, as it’s just a numbers game when it comes to mobile dating. Tinder and other apps provide the tools to hook up and have sex with multiple partners a day, or not.

Many women claim they want romance and a long-term relationship, but they seem to feel that sending photos of their private parts and receiving dick photos is a part of the digital courtship process and join the program.

The problem is, some women are hooking up with hopes to change the mindset of the guy they’ve just slept with. Maybe they’ll think of them as marriage or relationship material, or maybe they’ll be swiping right while you’re putting your clothes back on.

As one who has embraced online dating for over 20 years as an early adopter of Internet dating, and one who coaches and helps singles find serious relationships in the digital age, I have mixed feelings about Tinder. I’m thrilled that it’s given credibility to online and mobile dating and gives you a chance to cast a wider net to find a date or a mate.

If you say you’re using Tinder to your friends, one may ask you why you’re on a hookup app if you’re looking for love. But who isn’t using Tinder? Celebrities such as Hillary Duff, Katy Perry, and Ed Sheeran on Tinder, with Sheeran receiving the first celebrity verified profile on the mobile app. They join the Tinder bandwagon because they’re single and it’s easy to use and is fun. After all, after each swipe, you’re prompted with a message to “Keep playing?”

So we continue to swipe with the hopes of finding a match worthy of introducing to your friends and family, but weeding out those who want to hookup and those who want love is confusing.

We hope there’s truth-in-advertising, but men and women can just say in their profiles that they’re looking for a serious relationship, not serial dating. However those same people could be already in a “committed” relationship, while looking for Plan B when the romance starts to fade and the monotony kicks in. Research from Global WebIndex states that 62% of Tinder users are actually in a relationship. So don’t be surprised if a friend sees your steady-sweetie’s active profile on Tinder.

Read: Why Mobile Dating Apps and Tinder are So Hot

So is romance dead or alive on your mobile phone? According to the Vanity Fair piece, it’s looking grim for 20s in New York who find swiping right to be an efficient and inexpensive way to shag a few girls a day or a week, but I disagree.

I encourage the women who are really looking for a relationship to ignore the “dick pics” and take your time to weed out the creepers who want to choke you within 20 minutes. Think about the approach you took while dating with traditional online dating sites or meeting through friends and combine it with the efficiency of mobile dating apps. Keep your clothes on in your profile photos, state your intentions and swipe left until you find someone worthy of having a chat with. While it’s efficient to find someone IRL in seconds, it doesn’t mean you have to meet someone immediately or rush into casual sex if it’s not your goal.

It takes time to get to know someone, whether you meet in a bar, through friends, or on Tinder. Ask a lot of questions before getting involved. But then again, if you’re in it for a night of fun, it’s a piece of digital cake to accomplish that.

To the Tinderellas out there, I wish you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. Xo

Read more to learn how Swiping Right can help you find your dream date.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She’s the founder of, and as a Digital Matchmaker she’s been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Photo credit: Fotolia

Boomers and Seniors Flock to Mobile Dating Apps

Julie Spira Huff Post LiveDon’t be surprised if you see your grandma swiping right on Tinder or other mobile dating apps.

In a recent segment on Huff Post Live, we talked about singles 50+ using mobile dating apps to find love, companionship and more.

In a video clip, I stated:

“Singles over 50 have embraced mobile dating apps. They’ve seen their children, friends and neighbors find love online and if they find themselves alone due to the loss of a spouse, loss of a partner, through death or divorce, the loss of a spouse through death or divorce, it’s a terrific way to build your self esteem and fill your date card.

We know the need for companionship is so, so strong, especially as we age. If you’re finding yourself alone, grab your mobile phones and start swiping right so you can find your one in 40 million.”


What the post-50 crowd really thinks of dating apps on Huff Post Live in this full video segment.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. To learn how to master mobile dating apps, check out our Swiping Right program and follow @JulieSpira on Twitter for dating advice.

#DateChat With Guest Host @StephanSpeaks

Date Chat with Stephan Speaks

Join us for another fun and exciting #DateChat on Thursday, February 26, 2015 at 5p/PT, 8p/ET as we tackle the subject of digital cheating and relationships. Is flirting on Facebook or Twitter considered emotional cheating?

Just what is emotional cheating and how can you use social media to enhance your relationship without crossing the line?

READ: I saw his text messages. Is he cheating or is it over?

This week our guest host is my friend Stephan Lobossiere, a man who’s on a mission to make relationships happier and more fulfilling. Make sure you follow him on Twitter @StephanSpeaks before #DateChat begins.

Stephan is a certified relationship coach, speaker and author. He’ll be giving away copies of his book, God Where is my Boaz? to two lucky #DateChat participants.

Stephan seizes every opportunity to help both men and women overcome the challenges that hinder their relationships. From understanding the opposite sex, to navigating the paths and avoiding the pitfalls of relationships and self-growth, Stephan’s relationship advice and insight helps countless individuals achieve an authentically amazing life. Stephan empowers millions to take charge of the difficult situations standing in the way of the life and love they seek and to make impactful changes on a daily basis and we’re thrilled to have his input on this week’s #DateChat.

With an international following of singles and couples alike, the name Stephan Labossiere is synonymous with breaking down relationship barriers, pushing past common facades, and exposing the truth. It is this understanding of REAL relationships that he brings to everyone he encounters.

Stephan’s a busy guy and we’re thrilled to have one hour of his time on #DateChat on February 26, 2015 at 5p/PT, 8p/ET. Make sure to tell your friends!

READ: Is flirting on Facebook or Twitter Considered Cheating?

Follow @JulieSpira on Twitter



Peril of the Week – The Concert Date

Peril of the Week - Cyber Dating ExpertSometimes it’s great to be impulsive and go on a last minute date, but in the case of this female dater, she would have been better off if she had gone with a friend or knew her date better before their first concert date.

Wondering what happened? Read the latest entry to the Peril of the Week and find out why this date went south.

This past week, I had an amazing opportunity to see one of the world’s most iconic musicians, Stevie Wonder in concert. But I needed someone to go with. On a whim, I mentioned this to someone I was chatting with on OK Cupid.  He jumped at the chance to go.

I did have hesitations on whether or not to go to a concert on a first date but given the superstar playing, I simply assumed there would be enough going on to make even the most awkward date, ok.

I was wrong.

After arriving an hour late, my date suggested I drive to the venue, and could we stop for beers in advance.  While I don’t drink, I do understand the importance of the pre-party so I obliged.

Unfortunately, my date decided this would be a great time to down several 20 oz. beers, and this was all before he pulled out the 5th of generic whiskey to wash it down.  At this point, he shared with me that he had just started drinking again this year and we hadn’t even gone into the concert yet.

Once inside the venue, my date was determined to get us backstage.

If you know me, you know how much I love this. All you have to do is figure out where the easiest way is to get on the floor and head that way.  Right?

No. Not for my date. Perhaps it was the alcohol at this point, but let’s just label this endeavor a mistake.

We did find better seats though, maybe not the floor, but certainly better than our last row tickets.  But this was not enough for my date and the mood was set for the concert and the mood was not fun.

Imagine being seated next to someone exceptionally hyper, very buzzed and wanting more than what we have.  It was not fun…so not fun that half way through the show, I suggested we leave.

I still can’t believe that a 47-year old man chugged three 20 oz. beers and then pulled out a flask of Old Grandad before walking into a concert for a first date.

Do you have a story for the Peril of the Week?

Submit Your Online Dating Stories

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of the Internet and online dating. Julie and her team create Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, sign up for the FREE Weekly Flirt newsletter, and like us at

Photo credit: Fotolia

Cyber Love Story – Lyft Lovebirds

Lyft Love BirdsMobile apps for transportation have caused a huge paradigm shift in the way people are using transportation to airports or just on a party night. With New Year’s Eve, using your mobile app for companies such as Uber, Lyft or Sidecar will help you safely get to your destination.

But what if these mobile apps can actually help you find love from the comfort of one of their cars?

Meet Camille Bates and Ian Osborne, both who are Lyft drivers in San Francisco.

Last New Year’s Eve, Camille was very sad after a holiday season filled with strife. She had ended her relationship with her boyfriend after a year of being together and was feeling down in the dumps. The last thing she wanted to do was to go to a New Year’s party and pretend to be happy. So instead of accepting a party invitation, the social-introvert decided her plan for the evening would be to drive all night to get party goers safely to their destinations.

“I wanted to live vicariously through other peoples’ happiness,” said Bates. “I brought along party favors including glow in the dark wristbands and snacks and was having fun giving out things to my passengers.”

At around 9pm, Camille accepted a ride request from a gentleman named Ian. Coincidentally, Ian was also a Lyft driver on occasion.

Camille had made a New Year’s resolution to follow her intuition and she figured he’d already been background checked by Lyft, so she agreed to join them. As Ian entered the car with his buddies, he instructed her to take them to a house party in the Marina. Ian was sitting in the front of the car next to Camille and his friends were in the back seat. Her passengers were singing songs loudly, and after Camille asked them about the party they would be attending, Ian casually asked Camille if she wanted to join them.

While at the party, Ian’s friends decided to leave to attend another bash, leaving Ian and Camille to themselves at the original party. A few hours and glasses of champagne later, the two headed up to the party host’s roof deck to toast in the New Year. As the clock struck midnight, they shared their first kiss. As they looked over the beach on the Embarcadero in San Francisco, Camille reflected to a month earlier where she was gazing at the same beach when a shooting star appeared. Her wish was to find her soul mate.

Nine magical months later, Ian asked Camille to marry him and they will be getting married in the summer of 2016.

You never know who you’ll meet while using your mobile apps, or how a “pickup” will turn out.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace in 2015, or wherever you may roam.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and is the founder of Julie helps singles find love in the digital age. For dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Cyber-Dating Expert Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Dating Advice – How Do You Know if He Likes You?

Ask the Cyberdating Expert Radio ShowDear Julie,

I have a question about whether this guy I’m interested in actually likes me.

First, let me set the scene for you.

I met a guy who I instantly felt a connection for. Initially there were some flirty texts going back and forth and I found myself getting drawn in very quickly. I was actually concerned that I was getting too attached.

I also noticed that he would be quite flirty with others and this made me anxious. I know flirting is a common thing, but does this make him a player? He also sent me email messages telling me that he loves me, but I think I may have misunderstood his intention.

So, I called him on the flirting thing and he responded with, “I get it.” I’m not sure what that means. I’m also not sure how to proceed with this man.

Do you have any thoughts?

~Frustrated texter.

Dear Frustrated texter,

Texting plays a huge part in the digital dating game.

Many guys flirt with text messages for en ego boost or just to have fun. Since you don’t fit into the girlfriend status of this flirtatious guy, it’s most likely that you’re one of many girls that he likes. If you were dating exclusively and he was calling you his girlfriend, than sending flirty texts to other women would be a form of emotional cheating in my opinion.

But let’s get back to your question of does he like you? It would appear that he likes you and he likes others. Since I don’t know if he’s taken you out on an official date, it’s hard to figure out if you’re in digital dating rotation or you’re still in the friend zone. In the pre-texting days, guys would often see a pretty girl and smile at her and say hello. Remember guys are visual and this is actually a normal form of behavior for a man.

Unless your guy is sleeping with you and others that he’s texting, I doubt he’s a player, but one who likes to have his ego stroked.

Before you put all of your eggs into one digital basket with this guy, just stay friends with him. When a guy says he loves someone, often it means he loves hanging out with someone or even would love to sleep with them. If he says I’m in love with you and you’ve been dating exclusively than that’s another story, and one to take seriously.  From what you’ve written, it doesn’t even sound like you’re dating. So before you say “I love you” back and shed your clothing, just look at him as a flirty friend, date others, and see if he’s interested in dating you. If you get to the point of becoming a couple, just let him know that flirting with others via text when you’re exclusive is something you’re uncomfortable with. If he continues to do so, then maybe it’s time to find another guy to have a crush on who will make you his one-and-only.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Do you have a dating and relationship question for Julie Spira. Send your questions to

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more online dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter, at and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.


Breaking Up: 12 Signs You May Be Getting Dumped

Is flirting online considered cheatingMost of us go into relationships with the best of intentions. We put our best feet forward in the first few weeks or month with the anticipation that the relationship will continue to grow and go the distance.

We introduce our partner to our friends and family hoping to get the vote of approval. Often we share our dreams for the future, plan holidays and vacations together, and learn the fine art of compromising in a relationship, because we know it’s worth it.

Sometimes outside influences can attack our relationship resulting in the inevitable bumps on the road. It’s at these times that we look at our partner and either deal favorably with conflict resolution, or sadly our ego sometimes gets in the way and we end up heading for a fall.

From financial issues to family stress, the romantic gestures from an outsider at work to juggling the schedules of children, or even job pressures can affect the best of relationships.

Here are a few tips to know if you’re relationship is on its way out, or if it’s just a pull back or bump on the road that hopefully will become a distant memory.

  1. They stop sending regular text messages. If your significant other used to start his or her day with a good morning text and good night text, but those have disappeared, chances are the relationship could be fizzling out.
  2. Phone calls are reduced. If your significant other usually calls you routinely on his or her lunch break, while driving home from work, or before bedtime when you’re not together, and the calls have been reduced to once a day or a few times a week, your sweetheart may be disengaging from the relationship.
  3. Pet names disappear. He or she goes from affectionately saying, “It’s me” to leaving messages with their first or full name, assume the familiarity and romance are on their way out. Affectionate pet names are part of a relationship. It’s what makes you unique as a couple and puts a smile on your face.
  4. Plans are made without you in mind. If your normal routine is to see each other a few times a week and on weekends and suddenly your significant other would rather go out for drinks with friends and go home alone instead of into your arms, assume they are creating more distance and are open to the possibilities of meeting someone else.
  5. Future talks are put on hold. If you had been discussing living together or even planning a vacation six months out and now you’re not sure when you’ll be getting together in the next few days, your relationship suddenly might become a short-term affair, and not with someone who wants to go the distance anymore.
  6. Sex dissipates. Having a healthy sex life creates bonding in a relationship. If your boo is having doubts about the relationship, often sex is the first thing to go. When your sex life goes from “hot” to “not,” there’s a possibility your partner is detaching from the relationship.
  7. PDA disappears. If you’re the kind of affectionate couple who holds hands in public and loves cuddling at night and suddenly you find yourself sleeping on your side of the bed, there could be trouble in paradise. If the welcome home kisses are no longer part of your regime, it’s a sign that your relationship might be falling out of the love zone.
  8. Grooming habits change. From getting a Brazilian bikini wax to sporting a new hairstyle, joining a gym, or starting a new diet, when your significant other starts to change their looks and takes more time to focus on their appearance, they might have someone in mind other than you.
  9. They become attached to their phone. If suddenly your sweetheart is staring at his or her text messages, keeping their phone uber-handy, and staring at Facebook instead of focusing on you, you’ve just become lower on the totem pole than his or her smart phone. If they go into another room to secretly respond to a text or a phone call or turn their phone upside down so you won’t see who’s texting or calling, there’s probably trouble in paradise.
  10. Titles disappear. While titles are usually more important to a woman than to a man, if you’ve been introduced as the girlfriend, boyfriend, or partner and suddenly you’re being introduced as, “This is Janie,” there could be trouble on the horizon or you might be moving into the friend zone.  Read: Why Won’t He Call Me His Girlfriend
  11. Reactivates their online dating profile. If you’ve met online, but unplugged your profiles to be exclusive, don’t be surprised when one of you starts fishing to look for Plan B. Typically before a breakup, someone may like to view their options before making a clean break. Read: Gone Fishing, or is it Over?
  12. You’re thinking of breaking up. If the thought of breaking up is on your mind (if you’re reading this, that’s probably the case), you’ve put together your pros and cons list about your relationship or are think you might need some space, chances are your sweetie may be thinking the same as well.

What should you do if you can relate to most of these items on this list? Before you toss your relationship away, understand that feelings can fluctuate, but if the flow has been disrupted by most of these relationship issues on this list, you might be headed for splitsville.

Read: What to Do When He Pulls Back

Before you pull out the tissue box and think it’s over, take the time to talk to your partner about how important they are in your life. Acknowledge there’s been a shift in the relationship and ask them if there are any outside stressors that could be affecting the two of you. One of you might still be brewing about something that happened over a month ago and perhaps an apology needs to be made if your partner is feeling resentful about something or misunderstood.

Acknowledge how affectionate you used to be and let your partner know that you miss those warm and fuzzy happy times and would love to get back on track. Take the time to listen to your partner’s concerns. If you truly think this is a relationship worth fighting for, let your partner know that you don’t want to make an impulsive and abrupt decision that you might regret. Ask how you can help bring back the romance in your life.

If your partner just isn’t feeling it for you anymore, don’t fight it. Thank them for the memories and start the healing process. I know it hurts to have another failed relationship, but I also know that there is someone special out there waiting for you. You just haven’t met him or her yet.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She was an early adopter of online dating and creates Irresistible Profiles for singles on the dating scene. For more dating advice, follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

What to Do When He Pulls Back

aWhat to do when he pulls backDating issues seem to be coming in themes these days.

In the past week, three women have come to me with the same dating dilemma. They’ve met terrific guys online. One on OkCupid, another on Tinder, and one on JDate. All three men are super-successful and are very driven in their careers. They’re the guys who are too busy to be players and truly want to be in a monogamous relationship.

In all three scenarios, the men have asked the woman for exclusivity. Sounds great, right? Well, not exactly.

One woman has been dating a terrific guy, whom she met on Tinder. After six weeks they had the conversation about becoming exclusive. They both projected to the future. The problem is, she’s lower on the totem pole, as his work is a priority. The more she tried to spend time with him and fill his calendar with fun events, the more he pulled away. Eventually, he started spending weekends without her, even though there was no one else he was interested in.

The second woman met a great guy on OkCupid, whom she thinks is her soul mate. They’ve both said they’re in love with each other, but after six months of dating, he still focuses on his work and children on the weekends. The more frustrated she gets with the situation, the more distant he becomes. She sees a future with him, someday. But today, she’s walking on eggshells. What should she do?

The third woman met a fabulous guy on JDate. He told her on the second date that he thought he was falling in love with her and saw her in his future. He wanted to see her every night, until one day when he stopped returning her calls and texts. She’s devastated. She thought he was ‘the one.’

If you can relate to any of these situations, you’re not alone.

All three of these guys were building their castles and were defining their success as a man based upon their career success. While juggling children from a prior marriage, a busy career, and girlfriend, the girlfriend ended up in last place. It wasn’t that these guys weren’t crazy about the women they adored. They would do anything for them… if it was on their schedule. They were doing the pull back and these women were hurting at the sudden change of heart.

Between rebuilding from a divorce, keeping a family together, maintaining a career path to provide for financial success for the women, they couldn’t juggle it all. The more the women pushed to be with them, the more they pulled away. It’s the ever-so-common pull back and it’s gut-wrenchingly painful when it’s happens to you.

Ladies: When guys are in work mode, you’ll probably hear from them less.

There’s no need to stress and think it’s over.

My suggestion to all three of them, and to you if this is happening in your life, was to let them build their castle. Be at their side when it’s convenient for you. Don’t send text messages asking what’s wrong, or you’ll run the risk of pushing him away, period. No guy wants to feel like he’s dating his nagging ex-wife. Also, when a guy starts to fall in love with you, he gets scared. There are a lot of reasons for this. Before they make that commitment that seems to be permanent, they might want to view other profiles of singles on a dating site, even if they have no desire to go out on a date. They may fear never having sex with another woman again. A lot of thoughts go through their minds. As they’re processing all of these emotions, they often pull away.

I know it doesn’t seem right. If he’s crazy about you, he should want to be with you, right? Women are built to multitask. It’s in their DNA. Men are most often single focused, and when they’re in career mode, they’re thinking about work and closing the next deal or hoping to get a raise. When they’re with their kids, they’re in parent mode. When they’re with you, they’ll adore every moment of being with you.

Understand that you’re not playing a game. You’re just letting the man lead, which is in their DNA. If you ever feel that your needs aren’t being met at all, then by all means, have a conversation about it, but don’t beat it to death or give ultimatums.  It’s your decision to stay in any relationship. Men will come and go as rubber bands and often they’ll just need the space to be in their caves from time-to-time.  It’s really OK, if they come back to you. In time, your relationship will develop into a groove and you won’t have to worry if he forgets to send you a good morning text. Perhaps he’s just busy. It doesn’t mean you’re not on his mind. Give him his space and if you truly are ‘the one,’ he’ll return without even realizing he’s been gone.

Have you experienced the pull-back in a relationship? Your comments are welcome.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of She was an early adopter of online dating and has been helping singles find love online for 20 years. For more dating advice follow @JulieSpira on Twitter and sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

Photo credit: Fotolia

Next Page »