Hi Julie,
My name is Stephanie and back in December I met this guy on Tinder. We began talking and instantly hit it off. I had been away in another state so we couldn’t meet up right away so we continued to talk and FaceTime for about a month until meeting. I really liked him and was hoping that when we met it would lead to something real.
We met and the first date was pretty fun. It ended with a kiss. We continued to talk and hung out the week after. The 3rd date had come along and the day before we had had been texting and playing a word game. We sent each other words and we had to make up sentences from them. It was fun and flirty. He gave me the word “official” and I assumed and knew exactly what he wanted me to do with that word. I phrased it as a question and said, “will Stephanie and blank ever be official?”
He said that if we weren’t playing a game he would answer it which he did the next day when we met up. He asked if I wanted it to be official and I said yes. So fast forward about 2 and a half months and we are still together. The problem is that now our first issue has just come up. Recently I thought I had been seeing Tinder notifications on his phone. I didn’t confront him at first, which I should’ve done, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions because I wasn’t really sure what I had seen.
Related: Boyfriend is on Tinder – Should We Break Up
Since it was heavy on my mind I decided to make a fake profile myself and search through Tinder. I found his profile and was instantly disappointed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for one second because I was convinced he forgot to delete it because he had mentioned forgetting to about two months prior.
What made me not give him that benefit was that there were two very recent pictures on his profile. I couldn’t believe he was using it behind my back. I was going to wait to bring it up when I saw him but I got so upset and I had to call him. I asked him and he said he just forgot to delete it. but his responses didn’t seem so honest. I asked him why the two recent pictures were on there he said because it’s connected to Facebook and he had put those photos on Facebook recently.
Since I myself had used Tinder before I remembered that Tinder does not just update your profile like that when you post pictures to Facebook. I couldn’t believe him because his responses were so vague. I asked him to screenshot his matches and he seemed very hesitant and said he had already deleted the app.
Related: How to Delete Your Profile on Tinder
We’ve been arguing non stop and nothing he says I can believe. Even if he wasn’t using it I feel that because he hasn’t reassured me how he feels about our relationship enough to a point that I feel secure, I cannot bring myself to trust him. I told him I don’t feel his feelings are genuine and he proceeded by saying he doesn’t believe mine are either since he was the first on to say “I love you.”
I now feel like he is resenting me for this and is lying about using Tinder. I asked him if he is keeping any other feelings inside and he said no. At this point I don’t know if he is manipulating me so he can distract me from his lies or is truly keeping so much in that he tried to find someone else behind my back.
I just want to know is this relationship worth it? Should I stay and learn how to trust him? Is he playing me because I didn’t confront him in person so he was able to delete everything before I saw? He has told me that my assumptions won’t let me believe him. I said I can’t trust him now. If it’s truly him keeping things in, how do I get him to be honest in the future and let him know that I won’t judge him if he just tells me how he feels?
I really want to be with him but. should I really do all this work to try and figure him out so he can be open, even though he is claiming not to be lying or keeping anything in. I was told to get him comfortable so his guard is down and he will then be honest with me. How do I do this?
The help would surely be appreciated. Thank you so much.
Julie’s reply:
Wow Stephanie!
I’m exhausted reading your email to me and I’m sure you’ve had a lot of sleepless nights. I’m sorry to hear this. I always say, seek and ye shall find.
Let’s start with number 1. You can’t manipulate him.
You can’t make him do anything, period. This isn’t about manipulation, catching him with his guard down to have a convo about his real feelings, or finding the magic wand to make you trust him after busting him with his active Tinder profile.
Number 2. You saw his Tinder notifications.
It wasn’t just a hunch or the secret profile you created to confirm what you already saw. He has an active profile on Tinder. People join Tinder to date or to look for options. Sure he could have been digital window shopping, but once you caught him, he had to come up with stories as to why it was there. It was there because he was curious or he isn’t committed to being official with anyone.
I know this hurts and you aren’t the only one this is happening to. I get emails every week from women and men who have found out their boyfriends or girlfriends are on Tinder or dating sites. If he was committed, he wouldn’t have had the app on his phone and been an active user.
Related: Dating Exclusively With an Active Profile Online
Number 3. You created a fake profile to bust him.
You say you can’t trust him, but can he trust you? Trust is huge. It’s everything in a relationship. It takes time to build and a split second to lose. At this point, your short relationship is in jeopardy. Why should he be worried that you’ll be staring at his phone or will continue to create fake profiles to see if he’s there or not. A woman’s intuition is powerful. You knew right away something wasn’t right. Creating the fake profile didn’t make your relationship stronger, it just turned you into a detective because you were hurt.
Number 4. Is this relationship worth this?
This question you ask isn’t easy to answer. I’ve never met your or your boyfriend. In all honesty, the damage is done. You are saying you don’t believe him. He is creating stories to get out of the mess he’s in and you’re fighting all the time. This relationship had a great beginning, but all good relationships start out with a 3-month perfect phase. It’s what happens between months 3-6 and then 6-9 and then the year mark to determine if you have a relationship that can go the distance.
Related: How to Catch Your Cheating Boyfriend or Girlfriend on Tinder
If he wants to be on Tinder, just let him do so. Then create a REAL profile instead of a fake profile and start dating. You might just find someone you connect with more than this guy who’s been put on the “guilty until proven innocent” list.
Both of you aren’t perfect. So my best advice is to go ahead and date others. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to each other and push notifications from dating apps won’t ever be an issue again.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, but this is the dating process. You date and time will tell whether you have a relationship worth fighting for.
Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam.
xo
Julie
Do you have a question for online dating expert Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact
Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and Digital Matchmaker. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over 20 years and helping them on Swiping Right on their mobile phones. Julie’s the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online.
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Julie Spira is America's Top Online Dating Expert. She's an award-winning dating coach who's been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.
