ask julie spira Archives - Cyber Dating Expert : Cyber Dating Expert
In the News

Boyfriend is on Tinder. Should I Break Up

Boyfriend on TinderEvery week I seem to get asked a similar question from a woman whose boyfriend is still on Tinder wondering if they should break up.

Here’s Nina’s story.

Hi Julie,

I have been dating a guy for 3 months now and just this morning we had a conversation where I asked him if this is what he really wanted (committing to being in a relationship with me), and he said, “Yes, this is what I want. I love spending time with you, I love how you make me feel (…)”.

I created a fake tinder profile a couple of weeks ago and swiped right on him. To my dismay, I just checked it and he had matched with “me” (picture and name of a different person, hence the fake profile) 9 hours ago (this morning right before our conversation.

My question now is what to do. I don’t feel I can trust him now as he had before said he was not talking to or seeing any other women. I feel a little betrayed. Should I confront him about this and tell him how I found out, or let it slide, or break up? Honestly don’t know what to do.

Nina

Should She Break Up With Him?

Dear Nina,

I’m sorry you’re going through this relationship anxiety with your boyfriend. This is the top question I get from female readers. (See the other links in this article from other women). They find out their boyfriend is on Tinder and want to dump him or don’t know what to do. I appreciate your honesty on how the past month has developed with your boyfriend. Let’s talk about a few things. I’m here to help you, but this is going to be tough love my friend, so get ready.

  1. You’ve been in a relationship for three months.

Three months is still new for a relationship. It’s the honeymoon stage, where everything is fresh and exciting. It’s the perfect stage, as you haven’t moved into a routine. Many relationships breakup at the three-month point, as some people only like the beginning stages of a relationship and don’t want to get serious. From where he sat, he probably enjoyed dating you and hadn’t moved to a more serious stage yet. He wanted to look at options.

  1. You asked your boyfriend if he wanted to be in a committed relationship.

You were happy enough with him to want your relationship to be exclusive. You asked. He answered. He might have told you what you wanted to hear, but he didn’t come out and ask you first to be in a committed relationship, although he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else.

Chances are he wanted to see where the relationship was going to go and got caught up in the Tinder swiping game. It happens a lot. If you’re sleeping together, he also might not want to give that up. He’s a guy. It’s how men are wired. You also don’t know if this morning when he said he loved how he felt with you, that he had swiped for the last time and was ready to delete his Tinder account, right?

RELATED: HELP! I FOUND MY BOYFRIEND ON TINDER

  1. You created a fake Tinder profile after 2 months.

In all honesty, this is where the problem started. There’s a saying, “Seek and ye shall find.” Why did you create a fake Tinder profile to try to catch him? Probably because you weren’t sure he wanted to be exclusive with you.

Let’s talk about trust. It works both ways. You felt insecure about your relationship status early on and didn’t trust him. You wanted to catch him and behind HIS back, logged on as a fake person to see if he’d take the bait. It worked, he’s busted and now you’re unhappy. No guy wants to feel like his girlfriend is checking up on him, even if it’s innocent.

I’m not sure if you met on Tinder and if you took your profile down and he didn’t, but at two months, he probably wasn’t ready to be exclusive, or he would have said so. When a man wants a woman to be his, he does what it takes to make her is girlfriend. That includes taking down all dating profiles in good faith to see where the relationship will go.

The moment you think someone’s cheating or looking elsewhere is the moment you realize something isn’t right. Rather than seeing where your relationship would go over time, you tried to catch him, and you did.

  1. Tinder is a dating site with many users who aren’t single

Here’s a shocking fact. A GlobalWebIndex survey found that that 42 percent of Tinder’s members are already in relationships. Think about it. Almost half of the users are playing around on Tinder. Some are swiping only. Others are chatting only. Many are meeting and hooking up. Your boyfriend may be one of those 42%.

It would be one thing if someone in a relationship was on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram all of the time. They’re social networking sites. Many people are finding love on social media, but Tinder is a dating (and even known as a hookup) app. If you’re in a relationship and someone is active on a dating app, guess what? It’s wrong. I don’t care about the percentages, it’s wrong, period. Having an active profile on Tinder when you’re in a relationship tells the world that you’re single and looking. From your boyfriend’s perspective, he thought he was single and was keeping his options open. He also swiped on your fake profile before you had the conversation.

I understand that some guys and women too, like the validation they get when someone swipes right on their profiles. It’s a digital ego stroke. I also know that Tinder is like a game and people like to see who is out there and swipe right and never speak.

The problem Nina is something’s off in your relationship. You weren’t on the same page at the same time. If you trusted him, you wouldn’t have created a fake profile after two months. You know that a relationship is based on mutual trust. Without it, it cannot survive in the long haul.

RELATED: HELP! MY BOYFRIEND WON’T TAKE HIS TINDER PROFILE DOWN

  1. To Break Up, or Not to Break Up

I can’t tell you to break up with someone if you think he’s your soulmate. Something is missing in your relationship if he feels the need to communicate with women on a dating app. Something is also wrong in your relationship if you feel you need to check up on him. Something is wrong if he’s not happy with himself and needs the validation. The bottom line is, something is wrong.

He says he’s happy and loves spending time with you, which is probably true. But he’s also happy swiping right on Tinder.

I know if it were me, I wouldn’t put up with it. It’s a deal-breaker. I’d want to be in a relationship built on mutual trust. I can’t say if it’s a deal breaker for you, but as soon as you tell him you’ve busted him with a fake Tinder profile, or make up a white lie and say that someone found him on Tinder, I guarantee he will break up with you. You’re asking me if you should break up with him. I think you know the answer. The trust isn’t there.

So you can continue to be quiet and log onto your fake profile to see the exact moment he last logged on and make yourself sick in the process, or try to find someone who will think you’re amazing enough to ditch the dating apps to be in your arms. The choice is yours. I can only hope that you take your fake profile down and never create another one to try to snoop on a guy you really like.

I’m sorry you’re going through this now, but being on a dating site when you’re in a relationship is disrespectful. So is trying to catch him with a fake profile.

My best advice to you is as follows: The next time to have trust in a new relationship. Let it unfold naturally. Men don’t like being with an insecure needy person. If you felt the need to snoop, it was doomed.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may roam. xo

RELATED: DATING IN A TINDER WORLD

Do you have a dating question for Julie? Send your questions here:

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating and Mobile Dating Expert. She was an early adopter of Internet dating and has been helping singles find love online for over 20 years. For more dating advice, sign up for the free Weekly Flirt newsletter.

GET SOCIAL WITH US!

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Find out how Swiping Right will help you find your dream date on Tinder and mobile dating apps.

Photo credit: Fotolia

Online Dating Advice – Gone Fishing, or Is it Over?

Cyberdating Expert Julie Spira at BlogworldDear Julie,

I met my boyfriend on Plenty of Fish and we’ve been dating for about six months. We took your advice and both took our profiles down together as a bit of a ceremony and celebration after two months of dating and have even been talking about the future.

Last week, my friend saw a new POF profile that he posted with a different name, as he viewed hers while he was searching.

My heart is broken. I confronted him on it and he said it was an old profile, one he had before he met me, but deep down I think he always had two profiles up and that I’ve been played.

I’m not sure if I can trust him or not or if I’m overreacting. Please help.

Disappointed in Baton Rouge

Dear Disappointed,

I can feel your pain and what you’re going through is not uncommon. As a matter of fact, I hear this all the time.

Often when a man gets too close to a woman, especially around the 6-month mark, he starts to panic. Men are very basic. The thought of never sleeping with another woman again feels like death to him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or that you aren’t the best thing that’s ever happened to him in the whole wide world.

The Internet makes it so easy for people to take a peek to see who else is out there, especially if he’s thinking about a more permanent relationship with you. In the bestselling book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus , author John Gray talks about the rubber-band man. The guy who gets really close to you and then has to retreat and disappear when he needs time for the tension in the rubber band to build up again. Sometimes he goes into his cave and doesn’t want to be with you. Other times, he pulls back because he isn’t sure of his feelings about love and commitment. Either way, don’t chase after him and ask what’s wrong.

Before you think he’s breaking your heart, give it a little time. A pull back and new Internet dating profile are both something to be concerned with, but don’t overreact just yet. Accusing him of messing around on you isn’t the answer. If he wants to be with you, let him know you’d appreciate him taking down the second profile, but don’t insist on it. It’s up to him to decide if he wants to continue fishing and run the risk of losing a lifetime of love with you.

Now is not the time to get even and put up your profile and start dating until you’ve resolved this issue together. If he truly wants to date others, wish him well and do so as well.

There are over 2500 dating sites  and mobile dating apps, so if you decide it’s time to move on find a different site to hang your digital hat. You don’t find yourself staring at his profile and obsessing whether he’s found someone else or not.

Looking at other women online is very hurtful, I know. It’s emotional cheating, even if he isn’t setting up other dates. But it also gives him the time to look at some photos and decide if you’re the one he wants to move forward with. Think of it as if he’s looking at photos in a magazine. I know it’s worse, but remember, your friend saw his profile online, she didn’t catch him in bed with another woman.

Please keep us posted.

Wishing you much love and joy in cyberspace, or wherever you may swipe or roam.

Do you have a dating question for Cyber Dating Expert Julie Spira?

FOLLOW @JulieSpira on Twitter and Instagram.

SIGN UP for our Weekly Flirt for dating advice delivered to your inbox and learn how our Irresistible Profiles will help you find your dream date.

Dating Advice – How to Take Your Relationship from Online to Offline

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

The Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert mailbox is filling up these days. Many of the questions are from men who would like to move their relationship from online to offline.

Here’s a question from Tim who can’t seem to get past an instant message.

Dear Julie,

I recently started online dating and I have gotten decent responses, but when I ask the women to chat or talk, I never seem to get a reply.

What??can I do to take it to the next step and have girls reply to me?

Tim

Dear Tim,

You are not alone with your frustrations with online dating. Keep in mind that online dating is a numbers game. Some singles are online enjoying chat rooms and aren’t interested in a serious relationship. They may like social dating or just the companionship from their computer screen.

If you are looking for a serious relationship, these are not the women you should be wasting your time with.?There are many women online who would like to hear from you. Here’s my advice.

BE PROACTIVE

My suggestion is to be proactive. If you find someone you would like to communicate with, ask for their email address and phone number. Find out when the best time to contact them will be. If you call a woman and she doesn’t return your call, she may be just busy, or she could be juggling several men. After all, you are both members of a dating site. Try waiting a few days and calling a second time. If she doesn’t return your call, move on.?Period. Erase her name from your database and continue on your search.

RETHINK YOUR SEARCH CRITERIA

If you are attracting women who aren’t interested in talking to you repeatedly, take a look in the mirror and do a personal inventory. Perhaps the image of the woman you want to attract doesn’t really meet your criteria. Change it up a bit and try contacting someone whose profile is different than the ones who have ignored you.

KEEP IT SIMPLE

Make sure your initial emails or instant messages are brief. Say something fun and flirty to pique her curiosity so she will want to be available for your calls. Long-winded instant messages and emails are a turn-off to women. I say leave the baggage at home.

MAKE A DATE

After you have spoken on the phone, if you feel there is phone chemistry, ask her out and put a date on the calendar. You need to move your relationships from online to offline as soon as possible so you can see if you have a connection in person.

I wish you all the best of luck with your search.

Julie Spira

Cyber-Dating Expert

Do you have a question for Julie Spira? Send your questions to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Julie Spira is known worldwide as the Cyber-Dating Expert. She is the author of the bestseller, The Perils of Cyber-Dating: Confessions of a Hopeful Romantic Looking for Love Online and host of Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert Radio Show. Visit her at CyberDatingExpert.com

Follow Julie on Twitter @JulieSpira

Let us know you Like our Facebook Page

The Power of the Facebook Relationship Status Change

Just how powerful is the relationship status change on Facebook? Read this story from “Facebook Leftover” and feel free to share your own.

Dear Julie,

My ex-boyfriend and I are both on Facebook. While we were still together we became friends on Facebook. After our break up, we decided together that we would remain friends. We both removed our status on Facebook from ?In a Relationship? to no status at all, hoping people wouldn’t make a fuss about it.

The problem is, I can?t help but look at his status updates. I still have strong feelings for him. If I de-friend him, I might hurt his feelings and may never have the chance to get back together with him.

Now, I?m the one who is feeling hurt. He recently changed his status to ?In a Relationship? and I know it?s not with me. He?s moved on and is dating someone else and I haven?t. Why does this hurt so much? What should I do?

Facebook Leftover

Dear Facebook Leftover,

There is nothing more powerful on Facebook than the relationship status change. Friends worldwide are obsessed when you change your status from ?Single? to ?In a Relationship? and then back to ?Single. Most people don?t really want to know why ?It?s Complicated? but they like to provide their comments regardless.

Friends who never comment suddenly want to know who you are in a relationship with when you change your status from ?single? to ?In a Relationship.? Even if you change from ?Single? to eliminating your relationship status entirely, some question whether you have done so because you have met someone.

To get over your former facebook beau, here’s my advice: you MUST de-friend him. You can?t obsess over what is happening with him and his new sweetheart. If he is interested in getting back together with you, he knows how to find you. Every day that you hang on to the memories of your past and look at his life, you are wasting your precious youth.

Sound harsh? I?m sorry, but de-friend him now. Don?t stare at his wall and start thinking about your future. Let?s start with putting your relationship status back on facebook and list yourself as ?Single.? Yes, you open yourself up to questions of ?What happened?? and ?So sorry it didn?t work out? comments, but you also allow the world to know that you are single. Perhaps a secret crush may see you as single on facebook and contact you. This is exactly how one of our Cyber Love Story of the Week featured couples met in real life.

Other friends of yours may now think about fixing you up when they hear about a great single guy in town. I suggest you go from single without status, to announcing to the world that you are happy and available. It’s a free way to let your true friends lend a hand in your matchmaking activities and get over the guy who apparently has gotten over you.

Keep me posted and best of luck.

Julie Spira
Cyber-Dating Expert

If you have a question to ask for Julie Spira, please send an email to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Dating Advice – Long Distance Romance and the Big Ultimatum

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Cyber-Dating Expert

Dear Julie,

I’ve met a man online that I’m absolutely crazy about. He’s tall, sexy, worldly, and I knew instantly there was a connection. The problem is, he lives in another country. I know I should try to meet someone closer to home, but every month one of us flies to visit the other. I call him my boyfriend.

I am recently divorced and he’s never been married. He says he dates other women due to the distance. Yet, I hear from him every day via text messaging, emails, and phone calls and we plan wonderful trips together. I count the days until I see him.

I feel like I am being kept on hold just waiting for him to tell me that I’m the one and that he wants me to move in with him. It’s been a year already. What can I do to get him to commit to me exclusively? I am not interested in dating anyone else.

Please help.

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

You are in a classic vacation romance relationship. It can be so exciting, especially when there’s a passport involved. However, you are wasting your precious youth as you wait for him to decide if you’re the one. ?Have you counted the amount of nights you end up alone for significant holidays or for special events? ?You also indicated that you are recently divorced, so this may be a transition relationship, which is not a bad idea.

However, for you to call a man who lives thousands of miles away your boyfriend when you know he is dating others, isn’t realistic. You also can’t force a man to decide to be exclusive. He is sending you all of the messages that this a relationship of convenience and fun. If he isn’t talking monogamy, future, and marriage, he is just plain not interested. My best advice is to put your online dating profile back up on one or two sites and start casually dating. Men hate the big ultimatum and there’s no reason for you to put your life on hold.

It’s time to move the fantasy of your relationship over and let an available men enter your life. You don’t have to break up or stop communicating, but it’s an international friends with benefits relationship you’ve got going.

Good luck with your search.

Julie Spira

Do you have a relationship question for Julie Spira or need dating advice? Contact us at CyberDatingExpert.com/contact

Dating Advice – The Married Man Magnet

Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert

Cyber-Dating Expert

Spring fever is here and my Inbox is filling up with questions from frustrated singles looking for love both online and offline. What happens when you are only attracting married men? Read my dating advice for Sandra who is newly single.

Dear Julie

My boyfriend and I broke up a year ago. We had been together for 6 years and I thought he was “the one.”
He has moved on and is now living with a new woman. I understand that the relationship is truly over.

However, now that I am single, I seem to be attracting married men. At parties, the married men seem to gravitate towards men. I signed up for an online dating service and met two men who were separated, and weren’t really available.

What am I doing wrong? Please help.

Sandra

Dear Sandra,

Thank you for your email. It’s not uncommon for a man to move on quickly when a relationship ends. The fact that you are not pining or jealous that your ex is in a relationship, while you are not, is a good sign that you are healing and moving forward with your life.

Now let’s get to the heart of the matter here. You have become a married-man magnet. Perhaps you are more comfortable talking to unavailable men offline as you know you won’t get rejected. The relationship can’t go anywhere. Keep in mind this is only a friendship, and probably an acquaintance at best.

The truth is, you probably are not ready for a new relationship yet. I suggest you take it slow and make the most of your online dating site. Don’t respond to men whose profiles say “separated.” Ask more questions before you get to a first date.? When you become an available woman, you’ll become a man magnet (without the married).

Keep me posted and best of luck with your search.

Julie Spira

If you have a question for Cyber Dating Expert Julie Spira, please send them to CyberDatingExpert.com/contact